Story of a Falcon
by Alexita
Summary: The Marauders: The Martyr and The Traitor. The Victim and The Survivor...and The Fugitive. FINISHED. MARY SUE. Totally. See author's profile.
1. King's Cross

So, now I've finally managed to get the new version together. Here, I will repair a horrible, horrible mistake I did in the beginning; the mistake of trying to speed things up. People who have read it before should read this chapter and the next, and you'll notice what it is that I've changed. People who haven't can just ignore this.

XxXxX

_Prologue_

_Now that I am here, at the end of it all, I know now I will never be able to let it go. I thought so once, but it is all etched, burn-marked, in my mind for ever. I relive it every time I dream, go back to those times over and over again. I know I will never see times like that again, times of childish happiness and unawareness. Severus would call it wisdom. I call it a greater loss than I ever could have imagined possible. We have always been different at least when it comes to that. I know I should do something, but everything inside me seems to have seized up. I guess you could call it cowardly, but only by someone who hasn't lived through what I have. Who doesn't know this pain. I just cannot bear facing it._

_So I am just watching and waiting._

_Sirius would... _

_No, I don't think I know that. The only thing I know right now is that I still love him and all the others, even though some of them are lost to me for ever. I will wait._

_Wait._

_Why does my heart burn then?_

XxXxX

Chapter One

Kings Cross (Damnit, my shoes!)

My shoes have definitely given up during the week-long march to London. There are holes in them. Or rather, they ARE holes more that anything else. With a sigh, I have to let them go. But then again, I won't really miss them. They were given to me by my dear mum (may she go someplace really hot when she dies), so that no one would believe that I was maltreated. Like anyone would care. I can't exactly see Rebecca or Amanda getting all worried about my health, suing my parents for not taking care of me well enough. But I COULD see them trying to sue me for having the most ghastly pair of shoes ever to exist. I could even see them win. They would just sleep with the judge, and that would be the end of it.

But I won't think of them. Not now.

Now Kings Cross comes into view. Here my new life will begin. And I'm dressed in an old-fashioned black dress which makes me look like an old maid, my hair is (Quelle surprise!) a lamentable mess, and I've got no shoes. I look like a unfortunate cross between my sixty year old aunt and a hippie. Hooray!

And more important, where in the really nasty place where I would like to send everybody I currently know, can I find platform 9 ¾? The place is milling with people, and I can barely distinguish the signs saying "Platform 9" and "Platform 10". I was always a short person. Bloody wizards, complicating things.

A young buffalo at my left suddenly gives a holler that almost sends me sprawling all over the floor. "OI, MOONY!" He waves and jumps and grins, and he's most certainly one of the silliest boys in the world, if I ever saw one of them. He's absurdly good-looking, seems to need a real attitude-adjustment, and he seems ridiculously fond of drawing attention to himself.

"Padfoot!" a soft voice behind my back almost startles the living daylight out of me. I am very jumpy, I'll freely admit that. Spend a lifetime trying to dodge bullies and your own parents – them not being an inch better than the previously mentioned bullies – and you'll notice that you tend to get nerves like wires. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I startle you?" The soft voice is full of concern, and strangely enough, the words are meant for me. Now THAT'S a new experience.

"Yes. I...I am a little nervous..."

"Start-of-school-nerves, yes. Everybody has those. And you are new, aren't you?"

"New where?"

"Hogwarts, if I am not mistaken. You ARE carrying an owl."

Finally, someone who probably knows the way to that blasted place! "Yes. I am new."

"My name me is Remus Lupin, what's yours?"

"Moony, the perfect gentleman" his companion grins. I give him a look that I know would send shivers down the spine of a Polar-Bear. This is the only thing I am really good at.

"Contrary to you, then?" Well, now I blew the opportunity to get to know any of them. But these two are popular, that is for sure. I probably didn't have a chance anyway...

I am awakened from these dark thoughts by the last thing I would expect. The one called Padfoot is laughing heartily.

"You are all too right, fair maiden. I am a real bastard, I'm afraid to say. But hey, I make it anyway."

"I bet you do." My answer is kind of frosty, but now I can't help smiling. He's right. He is a real bastard. But a charming such. I extend a translucent, long-fingered hand to each of them. "I'm Alexita Neidorsdaughter."

"And I'm Sirius Black, out of my mind."

"What mind?"

"Ouch. Touché. Again. You're a sharp-tongued sort of a girl."

"You have no idea. They call me The Black Widow. I kill all my boyfriends by slicing their throats open with my tongue. From the inside."

"Ugh! Remind me never to kiss you."

"You better not. Then you'd WISH I'd kill you. And I would probably wish for being killed."

"Why?"

"Well, isn't that obvious? Being kissed by YOU is not something I would be able to go through without losing my will to live."

Sirius laughs and puts a hand at my shoulder. Immediately, I back away from him, my eyes flaring warningly. But that just makes him laugh even more. He waves his hand, gestures for me and "Moony" to follow. And, sad as I am to say it, I follow without any doubt. We meet up with a tall, black-haired boy with brown eyes, and a short, chubby one who seems even more afraid of his own shadow then I am. Remus introduces them as James and Peter, introduces me, as if we had known each other for ages. As if I was their friend.

How can this be possible? I am not even nearly as startled by the fact that we walk straight trough a wall to get to the platform. I have been despised for all my life. How can these guys just turn up and _LIKE_ me?

XxXxX

A slight breeze brushes some wisps of my impossible and definitely unhealthily unwashed hair out of my face. The landscape is rushing past outside the window, and I am arguing with Sirius, have been doing so for an hour. James, Remus and Peter has dropped their discussion, and are, at the time being, cheering the one of me and Sirius who seems to be on top of the situation. To my grand surprise, it tends to be me.

The door is opened silently, and a redheaded girl appears. Immediately, James's hand jumps to his hair, and he takes a pose that I guess he figures to be cool.

"You all right over there, Evans?"

Oh gods, he must be joking! No one can seriously be that silly. But judging from Remus' and Sirius' suppressed grins, he is not acting. My lips curl into the familiar sneer.

"Oh, it's you." The girl, Evans apparently, grimaces slightly, her voice full of disgust. Then she – completely ignoring James's indignant "What!" – turns her emerald eyes to me. "And who are you?" Her voice suddenly becomes sunny and bright, and she actually seems interested in who I am.

"This is Alex, Lils, a real sweetheart, to whom I am already hopelessly devoted..."

I give him one of my favourite, piercing stares, brimmed full of frost. "Shut up, insolent prat, she was asking me. Realise for once, Sirius Black, that the world does NOT orbit around you, and heaven forbid that it ever will."

"You see, Lily. She is charming."

I kick him in the shins, then – ignoring his surprised yelp of pain – I turn to Lily. I smile, the bleak, reserved smile which is all I can manage. "I am Alexita Neidorsdaughter. Please don't judge me for associating with these morons, but I don't know anyone else."

Remus hides his smile behind a fake cough, and James grins. Sirius tries to look righteously hurt, but the glint in his eyes tells me he enjoys this game as much as I do.

Lily laughs, a warm laugh, full of humour. "I understand. And don't you worry. I never judge anyone out of the first impression."

"Well, that's refreshing. You wouldn't believe the school I went to before. No one told me that a complete absence of a brain was required there if you wanted to avoid severe depression."

Now everyone laughs, even Peter, although it seems to me that he is laughing just because everyone else is, something that strangely enough makes me sad. But it's almost like my smile is melting a bit, for I can FEEL how it becomes warmer, how the bleakness disappears. They accept me. They are all two years older, they are light-years ahead when it comes to coolness, but they accept me. Me; short, skinny, flat-chested, greasy-haired, non-cool Alex, constantly dressed in clothes that even someone's granny would reject as unfashionable.

If I could cry; if I could remember how you did, if I had any tears left... then I think I would.

XxXxX

I look up from my sudden position at the floor. Opposite to me is a boy, glaring at me like I was a bug he would rather like to crush. But that is not what startles me.

What sends cold, unpleasant shivers down my spine, is that looking into his eyes is like looking at a picture of myself before I got the letter with an invitation to Hogwarts. The bitterness, the loneliness, and more than anything, the hopelessness. He is an outcast, just as I've always been, until just some hours ago.

"Watch out, will you!" he snarls, grabbing the book I assume he was reading when we collided. My temperament immediately catches fire. I am NEVER to be treated like I am inferior, ever again!

"If you would keep your greasy, abnormally large nose out of that bloody book, then you might actually be able to see where you're walking." My voice is soft and icy, my sneer is the one someone would give to an ant before burning it to ashes with a magnifying-glass. "You're nothing" it says. Oh, this tone of voice is so familiar, the sneer is used a hundred times, as they and my sharp tongue was the only weapons against the bullies at my old school. But now I'm not the weak one. It's him. And I'm the bully.

I loathe myself for it, but I can't take my words back. I'm too damn proud. And he is too proud to accept an apology. Pride is the only thing he has left, like it was the only thing I had left, once.

I rise up, straightening my silly dress. I don't even look at him, as I brush past, on my way to the bathroom.

When I'm well in there, I almost get violently ill, but I fight back the bile and sit down. Years and years of my previous life returns to me, awakened by bottomless lack of hope I saw in the stranger's eyes.

XxXxX

My mother met my father, and they fell in love. The first years of their marriage were like an utopia, the perfect world. They loved each other to madness, and they adored me. But when I was about four years, my father started to lose his interest in mother. Maybe he started to see all those little flaws that made her who she was. Maybe he actually started to get to know her. I never trusted love at the first sight. It's a shallow sort of love, that doesn't contain much more than simple-minded adoration.

By that time, I was a lovely little girl, with blond curls and laughing blue eyes. And when my mother started to bore him, my father turned his adoration at me. He worshipped me, I was his pride and joy. And I was happy for the attention, loved his devotion for me. By the time I was six, I was his everything, and he was my big idol.

That's when mother started to hate me. She was bitter over being robbed by fathers love. Not that she loved him, oh no, it was simply a question of prestige. No one would steal her admirer!

They divorced when I was seven, but my mother pledged shared custody, so that she could still spill her gall over me. It was about seven years old when I started to realise that something was wrong with my father. He was becoming more and more intimate. At night, he always wanted to undress me, even if I could do that for myself, and later on he wanted to sleep in my bed. And when he thought I was asleep, he touched me. First it was only the upper half of the body, then he started on the more intimate parts. And I did not understand why it felt so wrong, I was so naïve, so I said nothing.

But I felt dirty, felt like I was worth less, like I should be ashamed of myself. I started to eat less, started to withdraw from my classmates at school.

And my father started to crave more of me, wanted me to do things for him, things that sickened me, for now I KNEW how wrong this was. Now going home from school was becoming a nightmare; Home was a place of fear, shame, degradation and guilt. And anger, an anger that I could not get an outlet for at home. So instead, whenever someone still tried to make friends with me at school, I answered with acid, stinging comments, making the rest of the kids more and more wary of me. They started to scream things after me in the corridors, showering after the PE became impossible, since they hid my clothes, threw them into the shower after me, or scratched me bloody with painted, sharp nails. The boys threw things at me if I showed my face on the schoolyard, and sometimes they beat me. The girls were usually more subtle. They didn't talk to me, they all rose up if I sat down at their table, and they laughed at me behind my back. I was a complete outcast.

At the age of ten, my father went the whole hog, and raped me. Brutally, without listening when I pleaded for him to stop. I wept that night, when he couldn't hear. But he was never to see my tears, no one was. My pride was all that I had left.

XxXxX

I've borrowed an extra set of clothes from Lily, since I hadn't afforded to buy wizards clothes. I had wasted my last money on an owl, since I figured that I then would have at least ONE friend at Hogwarts. And the golden-brown owl, which I in an spell of sadism named Peggy, had quite gentle, understanding eyes that appealed to me.

When the train now grinds to an halt, I look more or less like everyone else, except the fact that I look slightly like a furled umbrella in Lily's robe, due to my chronical skinniness. And – of course – my damnable hair is still as unwashed and tangled as always.

Anyway, my newly found friends – as well as my ONLY friends – have already been sorted into their Houses, and are going to take some kind of horseless carriages the remaining bit of our way to school. I'm apparently going by boat. Great. I hate boats. They make me feel insecure, like I will sink any moment.

All first years, me included, follow a man that is a veritable giant to the shore, where a fleet of ridiculously small rowing-boats are waiting. I end up together with a nervous-looking girl with blond pigtails, who introduces herself as Alice Norton, and almost capsizes the boat trying to rise up an shake hands with me. Along with us are a frail-looking girl with burning eyes, Esmeralda Zabini, and her brother Nero, who seems quite mental.

Lovely.

Without anyone even having to touch a pair of oars, the boat suddenly gives a jerk and moves forward, as if drawn by an invisible string. Magic.

I concentrate on outstaring the big, hulking shadow which I suppose is my new school, and I can't help the thrills of excitement that runs down my spine. A whole new world, a whole new life, and maybe even friends... It's like the dreams I used to have when I was younger, dreams about leaving everything behind, of living happily ever after. And it's true.

The moon rises over the treetops, casting bouquets of silver flowers into the lake. A single ray hits the dark building, and my breath is hit from my lunges. Bathing in the milky light stands a colossal building, its towers and pinnacles stretching for the sky, as if they wanted to grasp the very stars.

The mood is broken by Alice breathing a "Wow!". But I forgive her for that, since I was only this close to doing the same thing. The place is huge, and I can swear this is the most majestic building in the world, if I ever saw it. My new life.

Suddenly, there is a cry of "Watch yer heads!" from the giant man, and we dive into a pitch-black tunnel. Finally emerging at the other side of it, we find ourselves facing a pair of enormous gates. In front of them stands a woman in her thirties, rigid and severe. She introduces herself as McGonagall, professor in transfiguration. Transfiguration? I get a sudden image of turning Sirius into a toad, and have to suppress my laughter. This could really be interesting.

Now the doors are opened, and warm light flows out, as we enter some kind of cloakroom. McGonagall tells us to wait and disappears through another pair of doors. I hear voices on the other side of that door, like hundreds of people talking at once. This must be the Great Hall that Remus had instructed me about. Soon, soon... Soon I will be part of this school, soon I will belong...

XxXxX

Oh, holy hippogriffs! (Oh, the disgrace! I'm starting to sound like Sirius, and I don't even know what a hippogriff IS!) There's too much people in here. How can I be sorted if everybody is watching? It's to demand the impossible of me, this is! Foul! Unfair! Naughty, naughty playing!

Some idiots starts whistling and applauding like mad. I groan inwardly when I realise that the idiots are no others then James and Sirius. I am SO killing them. But it feels good as well, I have to admit, even though it pains me. I send Sirius one of my special, patented "You idiotic pest, I would most certainly scratch your eyes out, if that didn't mean I would be ruining my nails"-glares. He grins and waves. I am slaying him.

Now the hat is carried to the middle of the room. And it begins to sing.

I think I have to sit down.

"Now, let me tell you a story,

If you don't mind listening.

It is not my will to bore you,

But yet, pay attention, my friends.

In a time far past and gone

four wizards had a common goal.

to spread their knowledge, said and done,

they set the founding for this school.

Though witty Ravenclaw fair

preferred those children who were

gifted with intelligence like her,

and of whose devotion was heard.

And Gryffindor, the bold,

was more intrigued by guts,

those who did not always as were they told,

and who's bravery was strong.

Oh, Slytherin, the cunning snake,

admired those of ambition.

those who knew just what to make

of their lives and their positions.

But Hufflepuff, so mild,

demanded no such qualifications.

She taught both prudent and wild,

glad, sour, changing or stationed.

But yet good friends they were

Until that sad, sad day,

A day of which much is heard:

The day Slytherin walked away.

Then I was there, and knew it;

The guilt belonged to us all.

For all had we encouraged it,

The enmity inside Hogwart's walls.

Let us not the same mistake make,

Try building up what's broken.

And not again break

The hopes of peace, which aren't yet spoken.

A silence fills the room, and I can see from the sneering faces of some people in the room that the song is not overly appreciated, most of them sitting at one table, where I also notice the Boy From The Train, staring balefully at...

Sirius and James, making faces over to his table. Interesting.

McGonagall calls attention to herself by stepping out on the floor just some steps beside the Musical Hat. "These are the four housetables, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. When the hat calls out the name of your house, you sit down by the table. Lets get started then. Andrews, Brian!"

I listen loftily as "Andrews, Brian!" gets sorted into Ravenclaw, then my attention slips, and I find myself staring at the ceiling – or rather the lack of it – like a moron when the call "Longbottom, Frank!" echoes though the room. I am probably next in line to be humiliated... I mean sorted. The hat roars "GRYFFINDOR!" and I can feel the very unpleasant sensation of my stomach dissolving...

"Neidorsdaughter, Alexita!"

I know I appear calm, composed as I glide forward and take my place. I've got my best "I am above your puny comprehension"-look in my face, and my eyes are brimmed with what could be mistaken for the next Ice Age.

I have never been so scared in all my life.

I lift the Singalong-Hat and put it on, and the blissful darkness is like balm for my soul.

"Hmmm... What shall we make of this?" A whispering, in some way thin, voice in my ear inquires. Just what I needed. More surprises. "Indeed... Here's a strong will to show your worth, along with a strong hunger for revenge... And you are willing to go to any lengths... You have makings for a Slytherin here..."

Slytherin? Go to the same house as the boy from the train? The guilt? The chill recognition of myself every time his eyes meets mine? And Sirius and James... Even though they're most certainly the biggest prats I ever met, they are still... sort of likeable prats. An Remus, with the slow smile and the gentle voice. Peter, so frightened of stepping out of line, petrified of losing the protection that the other boys mean to him, to be left alone. Lily, who really seems to like me, who doesn't judge from the first look... Slytherin? No!

"Are you really sure on that? Well, I guess it would be dumb to put a muggleborn in Slytherin... And you are very brave, in your own reserved sort of way. And very loyal to your friends... Well, then it has to be...

"GRYFFINDOR!"

The only thing I can think of on my way to the table, cheered by James singing a "Go, Gryffindor!"-song and Sirius setting of a bunch of fireworks, is how glad I am I didn't faint off in mere relief.

"Here, sit down. You seem to need it." Remus gestures at the chair beside his.

What is this? How could he know my knees are almost buckling? "Thanks... How could you see...?"

"Your hands. Your nails have cut into the flesh."

Bugger!

Remus smiles softly, a smile that really seams to scream "It's okay." I have to smile back, even though a nasty little part of my mind thinks that this guy is too smart for his own good.

"Wow Alex, you were cool! Not so much as a nervous tick! The ice-girl. How did you manage to stay so calm?" James exclaims. I LOVE that idiot! I smile mysteriously at him.

"Trade secret."

Remus smiles, a smile just a tad devilish. You have to adore him. Peter looks at me with something that seems to be worshipping. Scary. And sad. Lily waves from a group of girls that seems to be swallowing her. She is all smiles and sunshine, talks and laughs and waves to everybody she knows. She's so popular that I really should hate her. But I don't. Because she honestly likes me; because she doesn't treat me like dirt; because she's everything I would want to be, and yet she doesn't rub it in my face.

Sirius – at my other side – is trying very hard to hit the teachers with bits of his serviette, that he stuffs into a blowgun. And I even like him. I am definitely starting to loose my standards. But what the heck. I'm – for once in very, very long time – having a good time. Except that I am so hungry that I am sincerely considering the opportunity of starting to gnaw at my serviette. Or the table. Anything, really. Hmm, I think I'll just move away a bit from Sirius. I don't want to fall for THAT temptation.

"If I would have your attention for a moment!" And old man ("The headmaster, Dumbledore" Remus whispers) stands up at the teachers table. He's dressed in midnight-blue robes, and his eyes are sparkling merrily in the lights of the candles. "Welcome to Hogwarts, new as well as old students. I am to give some instructions to you all. After dinner. Tuck in!"

I LOVE this old man!

The table is suddenly filled with every dish I ever ate, and more. This is the wet dream of a starving man. And me, right now. I start to load my plate. Doing so, I notice that: A. The table is littered with mint sweets. B. The plates are re-filling concurrently with that people are unfilling them, and C. Sirius seems to want to break the world record in eating, both when it comes to quantity, speed and sound effects. Gross.

Not to say grotesque.

I tell him so, and he argues back. Without chewing down the current shovel of food. I tell him exactly what I think of that. He tells me, in very colourful language indeed, what he thinks about people like me in general. I tell him that I forgive him, since imbeciles always feel threatened by geniuses. And so on, and so forth. This is a real argument at it's best, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

Not that I am going to tell Sirius.

XxXxX

"Ballroom Blitz."

The portrait of the fat lady swings open. I stop dead.

"Ballroom Blitz?"

"Yes. Some sort of muggle song, apparently."

"You tell me? That's one of my favourite songs!"

"Oh yeah, you're muggleborn." Sirius shakes his head. "It's strange, really. It seems like you've been here for ages. Like you've always been our friend." He shakes his head again, and enters the hole that was displayed with the departure of the picture from the wall.

Boys! Was he even aware of that he just blurted out one of the nicest things someone ever said to me? Probably not. I smile at the swelling, warm sensation that seems to be filling by those words, mildly complicating my breathing. There almost seems to be some kind of lump in my throat.

I stumble into the room, and I immediately have to fight back a silly, girlish squeak of happiness. This is just too good to be true. Heavy, rustic furniture clad with red velvet, a great fireplace, cushions all over the floor, a thick velvet carpet and soft white skin rugs in front of the fire-place. Heaven.

I surprise everyone – myself especially – by leaping tiger-style, complete with a growl, into a mass of pillows piled up in the middle of the room. Sirius gives a whistle.

"Wild. That's how I like my women."

I find a very convenient – hard-stuffed – pillow and hit him in the head with it. He answers by jumping after me, starting to tickle me. The bastard!

We end up in a full-scale fight, James and Remus joining us with wild cries. Peter mostly keeps out of it. Of course.

Finally, we all lay sprawled on the ground, laughing our asses of. And now I'm crying. Heavy sobs mingle with the fits of helpless giggling, and tears are streaming all over my face.

"Are you okay, Alex?" Remus puts a hand at my shoulder. His golden-brown eyes are full of concern, he leans closer. I lean my head in my hands.

"Did we hurt you?" Sirius asks sheepishly. I smile through the tears, shaking my head. Swallowing, I try to explain.

"I...It was so...so long since I had any real...friends...I..." The rest of what I am trying to say is choked by a sob.

"How long since?" James asks, and his hazel eyes are full of a seriousness I never saw before. He looks older, more mature.

"About...four years...It all started when I was seven...They started to...call me names...beat me...ig...ignore me..."

"Oh..." Sirius breath seems to be catching in his throat, and he takes my hand, looking quite frankly helpless. Dear, dear idiot.

Remus hugs me. Damn him, like I wasn't crying enough already! I cling to him like a drowning, and I can hear him say: "I know what it feels like...". I believe him. There is something about Remus, that almost makes it seem like his is apologising for his own existence. I remember that feeling.

"How horrible..." James looks shaken, completely taken aback. Stupid, wonderful boy!

Peter doesn't say anything. But I can see that he recognises himself.

"I learnt how to...protect myself from them. With my sharp tongue. By being able to always summon a frosty manner towards them. By fighting, if everything else failed." Oh god, how good it feels to talk about this, to unburden myself!

"So that is why you are fighting like a boy" Sirius comments. I give him a frosty glare.

"Was that supposed to be a compliment? 'Fighting like a boy', as I experienced it, is kicking on a girl lying down, with no way to escape. And that is not something I envy."

Sirius looks as if he is about to be sick. "That is the lowest, most cowardly..." He boxes a pillow when words fail him. You have to admit he's rather sweet.

"I…" Remus falters, fidgeting slightly, before he looks up at me with something that seems to be regret. "I would like to tell you… how much I can understand… what it's like to be hated. But I can't. I really can't." The other boys look awkward as well, and I don't quite understand this. But Remus looks so lost and helpless, so I force a watery smile, hugging him even harder.

"Yeah, and Sirius family is a nightmare, right?" James says in low, sincere tones that still sound quite hurried, almost as if it was a way to distract me.

Sirius grimaces bitterly. "Worse. My mother is the damn model of all evil witches in all tales ever written. My brother is her puppet, and my father is a downright devil. My cousins are ghastly. My family's horrible, every bit, except some few ones, but they'll get disowned sooner or later." He keeps his eyes blank, as if talking about something that doesn't really concern him.

And before I can even think, a bitter smile forces my lips to curl, and unbidden, the confession rises through layer upon layer of protection. "My mother hates me, and my father has this nasty habit of raping me. Charming, eh?"

They all fall totally, dead silent, and that is when I realise what I just said.

No! No, it can't be! I promised myself never to tell anyone! The shame... So disgusting... So WRONG…

I turn away my head. No, I am not crying anymore. This hurts too much. I cannot bring myself to understand why I said it. Faced with kind words and genuine care, it was simply as if something inside me melted away. And I hate myself for it.

They are still quiet, but Remus once again hugs me, Sirius squeezes my hand, leans his forehead at shoulder, and James puts a hand at my cheek. Peter looks at me with a helplessness in his eyes that tells me very well that he would act just the same if he had the courage for it. My heart soaring in unbelieving happiness, as they do not pull away from me, I stretch out my free hand, letting it rest slightly on his. That is all I dare to do. I hope he understands.

We sit so for a very long time, and I fall asleep there, leaning against Remus. The last thing I hear is Sirius mumbling "Never again. I don't know how, but I wont tolerate that." Once more, he boxes the pillow. I love these guys.

XxXxX

I wake up by the sun stinging in my eyes. I am surprised to find I am lying in a huge bed. How did I end up here? Where is here? Oh, well, I guess this must be the girl's dormitory. Guess someone must've carried me here and tucked me in.

Shudder.

I roll out of bed, and doing so I notice I've still got my clothes on. At least they didn't undress me. Wow. That's a mental image I did NOT need.

"Hello there. I'm Emily Weasly. You're Alex, right?"

I jump and spin around, facing a redheaded girl with freckles, sitting cross-legged on absolutely nothing. She gives me a bright smile.

"Did I startle you? I'm sorry. You probably wonder how I knew who you are. You see, Lily thought it prudent that someone a little more accustomed to magic should show you around the castle, and I volunteered, since I'm in the same year as you. You see, on HER first day here, Lily got stuck in one of the magical holes in the stairs for hours, and she did not think it would be a good thing you missed your first lessons too. It's six in the morning, by the way, and our lessons start at nine o'clock, so we've got plenty of time."

Geesh! Can anyone talk that much without getting sores on her tongue? Apparently, since sores always takes down your mood, and this girl seems like a real bundle of sunshine. Oh, well...

I sit down at my bed again, regarding her absolute ignorance of the laws of gravity with interest.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what? Oh, the levitating? Well, it's just something I learned all by myself at home. Did not tell mum and dad, though. Did not want them to forbid it. Anyway, it's easy. Just try to ignore that you really should be staying on the ground. Of course, I needed plenty of exercise. You have no idea how many times I've smashed my butt, as my mind suddenly realised that I wasn't touching anything, and it was wrong."

I'm not even trying. It won't work anyway. Actually, I've never seen so much of a spark of magic from me, except at the wandtesting. And I wasn't really doing anything then.

"Bet you're surprised you haven't noticed that you're a witch. That you haven't showed any signs on being magic." She smiles shrewdly at me. This girl is really starting to freak me out. Can she bloody read minds? "Well, you see, if not aware of the existence of magic, such as it is, most people don't notice, since it requires so much concentration, or – in the case of levitation – the lack of it." She smiles. She has a habit of doing that all the time that I find just a tad unnerving. Maybe because I don't.

I notice her eyes getting strangely absent, glazed over in some sort of way. She glides through the air until she hovers over my bed, then she grabs a bedpost and pulls herself down. When she suddenly is more earthbound, she seems to me to become more real. It's like she loses some kind of abstract shimmer, like she was looking at me from some great distance before. Yet she is just the same, a big smile painted in her freckled face, shining from her azure-blue eyes. She extends a small hand, freckled like her face, and I take it in my sickly pale one. It seems like this is important. Like we were strangers until now.

Emily Weasly. A short, redheaded little figure. All smiles and being open-hearted. And – considering what I'm used to – not so bad, after all.

XxXxX

We slide down the stairs to the dungeons, them having suddenly turned into a slide. Emily is actually rolling more than sliding – laughing uncontrollably – but I manage to stay at my feet. Maybe with not so much dignity, but I'm still standing.

Heh. Story of my life.

Ugh. I suddenly collide with someone, and we both topple over. I am to beg the stranger's apology, when I hear a familiar voice saying: "See, Prongs, the girls just keep crashing all over me. And Alex, shame on you, I didn't think you where that kind of girl."

"Sirius?" I growl, suddenly coming face to face with him.

"Yes?"

"You're a prat. No wait, you're THE prat. If all the prats in all the world would start a club, you wouldn't only be the honorary member, you would be the goddamn LEADER. And let go of me!" I roll off, ignoring the fact that I was the one keeping him down. That's bloody unimportant.

He rises up with all the dignity and grace of a person knowing exactly how gorgeous he is. I myself always preferred intelligence before beauty. And... well, he's Sirius. Just that tells a lot of his intelligence.

"You know I love you too, Alex, but lets not make the other girls jealous." He gestures at James, Remus and Peter, and I have to smile, even if I have a feeling that it is a rather unpleasant sneer.

Emily regards our little battle with great interest, and her sly smile tells me that she can see right through it. That actually surprises me, and I make a mental note of not underestimating her intelligence. It's just that I always assume optimists to be quite daft, since I just can't see how you can be aware of life in the way an intelligent person is, and yet smile at it. Maybe it is so, that people like Emily have a strength that I lack, the strength of laughing instead of crying. I don't know.

"Sirius, does it ever occur to you that other people are thinking beings?" Emily suddenly asks, a sweet smile lightening her face.

"Why, yes, of course..."

"Then how can you still believe that you are irresistible?"

He looks a tad dumbstruck for a moment, then he grins. "Well, how could any thinking girl possibly resist me?"

"Aha, I see. YOU are not a thinking being. Can you show us the way to the Potions classroom, dear?" She abruptly turns to Remus. I really have to reconsider this girl's mental capability.

James is trying to stifle a laughter, and Remus seems to have problem describing the way, as the corners of his mouth seems to want to wander of to his ears. And Sirius looks a tad stupid for a second, then he laughs just as heartily as James, who has now given up his futile battle, and is rolling around at the ground. Even Peter is fighting a smile.

For two seconds, I almost feel like kissing them. All four of them. Now, wouldn't that be a sight?

XxXxX

"Well, welcomed shall you be to your first lesson in Potions."

Everyone in the classroom got a shock when our new teacher entered the classroom. She can't be more than twenty, tall, black-haired and with eyes like a summer sky in late twilight. And in some way familiar...

"I am Andromeda Black, and I am to be your teacher in Potions." Okay, that's who she reminded me of. She is more or less a feminine copy of Sirius, just a little older and with blue-lilac eyes instead of black. The same twinkle in her eyes, the same pale, nicely sculptured face, same glossy black hair. Oh dear.

"Now, I am going to start by calling out all of your names, just to make sure that nobody's got stuck anywhere. Then I am going to give you some ingredients, and it's up to you what you make of it. Okay?"

A gasp goes through the classroom. A teacher that lets us do something just for fun? Then everybody cheer. Except me. I have a habit of never rising my voice, as a matter of fact, I am almost scared of it. But I have to smile. This woman's definitely related to Sirius.

When she comes to my name in the roll-call, she smiles swiftly, the same crooked grin as Sirius. She looks so much like him that I almost fall of my chair. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh d e a r.

She gives us a lot of interesting stuff, explaining what it is to us. I get stuck on a snake-skin which seems to have three heads, Runespore-skin, Andromeda comments. Very interesting indeed.

Then I and Emily simply freak out. We try every ingredient, mixing them up in different ways, brewing and chopping and doing whatever falls into our minds. The result is quite interesting. The potion turns to the exact colour and consistence as blood, and it still boils slightly, even as we put out the fire under it five minutes ago. When I accidentally touch the cauldron, I get a really ugly burning-mark.

"Professor! Can you come here and look? We want to know what this is!" Emily calls excitedly. She seems to do everything in that manner, but it doesn't bug me that much anymore. I am losing my standards, and the worst thing is that I don't even consider it to be a bad thing.

Damn this place.

Andromeda comes strolling over to us, but she stops about three meters away, starring wildly. The she suddenly moves faster then I ever saw anyone move before. In a nanosecond she has drawn her wand, and her sharp "Scourgify!" echoes around the dungeon.

Our potion vanishes.

"Wow. Was it THAT bad, professor?" Emily asks, still all sunshine.

Andromeda still looks shaken. "It was too good, dear, that's the problem."

Even Emily is befuddled by that. "Huh?"

"You've just managed to concoct a love-potion. According to the laws of magic, those are Class-A non-tradable goods. That means that it is forbidden to even own it, unless you have a certain permission, and all that's concocted by mistake must be destroyed immediately."

"Why?" a pale girl from Ravenclaw asks, clearly not seeing why you shouldn't be allowed to force anyone you want to love you, no matter what he or she wants.

"It is a mind-controller, that's why. Forcing the special boy or girl to love you may sound romantic, but in truth, you can just as well force a person to eternal slavery. Only that this isn't the slavery of the body, but the heart and mind. Does that sound nice to you? Would you want someone that you don't like to force you to love them?" I can read from everyone's face that they are picturing falling in love with their worst enemy, and we all go into a collective shudder. I picture falling in love with Rebecca or Amanda, or maybe with Charles and Jonathan, my tormentors at school. Or maybe my father. A total slavery, mind, heart, and body...

No, I won't think of it, or it will give me the worst nightmare in history. I think that thought quite often crosses my mind. "I won't think of it." Forget, and it will go away. But still I know some things just doesn't work that way.

I slip the vial with love-potion that I sneaked from the cauldron before Andromeda saw it, when Emily wasn't looking, inside my robes.

For private studies.

XxXxX

We almost get lost on our way to lunch, and end up at a deserted toilet, from which the ghost of a teenage girl directs us to the Great Hall. I am never going to get used to this. Every little detail of this school has so far never failed to freak me out quite grandly. Especially the talking doors. Can't stand them.

When we enter the dining-room, Emily explains to me that there actually is a ceiling to this room, only that it is enchanted to look like the sky outside. Apparently, she read that in some really dull book about this school.

Suddenly, somebody knocks me over from behind, and I am...

Back at my old school, and they will hold me like this, and soon the blows are going to start to hail over me, and they will kick me and spit on me, and I have to get loose, have to get loose, have to get loose...

"Hey! Alex! Take it easy will you! I am not trying to kill you!"

"James! I am killing YOU! Why did you have to do that?"

"It was a joke, mate. Nothing serious. Geesh, I'm not trying to rape you or anything!"

I can really see him bite his tongue, when he realises his mistake.

"Oh god, Alex, I'm sorry. I don't know why I…. I mean, I… I didn't mean..."

"I know you didn't, James. Just don't jump onto me from behind, okay?"

He nods, looking like a puppy who has pissed on the carpet. I have to laugh, and he relaxes. He waves at the direction of the Gryffindor-table. "Come, they are waiting for us."

They are waiting for us. I could kiss him. But I am not. No offence, he's just not my type, and besides, he's already seriously in love with Lily. People seem to have the overly romantic idea that a girl can't be friend to some guys without falling in love with at least one of them. I don't believe that's true. Guys are still people. I don't fall in love with every person I befriend. Of course, I have never yet been in love, you get a tendency of avoiding it when everybody hates you. But I do not think I will fall in love with my new friends. It would be highly inconvenient, and besides, I'm not really the romantic type.

This is what I think. But I don't know love. Apparently, it strikes everywhere, without mercy, almost like a contagious disease. Only that the persons who infects you don't necessarily have to be affected by it. And you don't die from love. Not from love itself, I mean, but maybe by the things they make you do. I always thought Romeo and Juliet where kind of stupid. But that's maybe only because I don't understand them. Have no chance of doing so.

Love.

I really have to think more about things like that. Isn't that what girls in my age are supposed to do? Of course, I never cared about that before. But what the heck. It wouldn't hurt to be normal for a change.

I really think I'm a cynic.


	2. The Boy From The Train

To old readers: Well, because of the changes of the last chapter, this chapter of course has been edited as well, which basically means that I've added about two pages or so in the middle of it. You'll see what I mean.

To new readers: Nevermind.

XxXxX

Chapter Two

The Boy From The Train (The last thing I'd expected...)

Hogwarts is quiet now. Not a whisper is heard, as I sneak down the corridors through the castle. I need to feel some freedom, my daily dose of loneliness, and the smooth, cold floor under my bare feet sends thrills of excitement through me. I dodge Peeves, slip down yet another staircase, and find myself in the dungeons. Interesting. Didn't Emily tell me that the Slytherins had their common-room somewhere down here?

I brush quietly down the corridors, searching for signs of people. There! Someone has dropped some kind wrapper for candy, and I can hear the murmur of voices...

Suddenly I hear steps approaching, and take I quick leap in behind some kind of a tapestry, halfly devoured by moths. The boy brushing past must be at least three years older than me. He's got sleek, silver-blond hair, a pale, pointy face and an expression of utter superiority. Her reminds me of Rebecca. Itch!

He stops just some meters away from me, facing a gargoyle almost as ugly as himself, and I can hear him whisper "The eye of the snake". A hidden door slides open soundlessly, the loathsome gargoyle jumps aside to let in the loathsome Slytherin.

Quelle chanse!

When the door closes, I slide from my hiding-place, following in his footsteps. I whisper the password to the amiable little monster. It removes itself from the door without a sound, and a dark hallway is opened. I am in luck here. Fancy if I had opened the door, and it would lead straight into the common-room. Then I would find all the Slytherins staring at me, something I don't even want to think of.

I am awakened from my thoughts by a sickening "Crack!", like if someone just got their nose broken, followed my a strangled moaning.

"Ha! The sissy can't even take a regular beating! Have you gone soft over the vacation? Shall we harden you a bit?"

"Sounds like an excellent idea to me!" It is the Rebecca-boy I saw in the corridor just some moments ago, I recognise his voice.

"Let...me...be..." This voice is equally familiar.

"Let you be? No, no, no, we can't. You have to understand that we are only thinking about your own good. You need one...good...healthy...thrashing!" At each word, I can hear a thump. Someone is being kicked. Someone's breathing is becoming laboured, an I can almost hear his teeth grind together to keep from making any sound. I take a look around the corner. The Boy From The Train is lying at the floor. The blood flooding from his nose has formed a pool at the floor, he is pale from the wound, frustration and anger. The Rebecca-boy and a girl who seems to be Nero Zabinis sister are leaning over him, and in the background a large group of people are skulking, enjoying the view, I bet. I cant help it. My mouth curls into my best sneer, and with eyes clear and piercing as winter ice, I step into the room.

"Now this is pathetic. They really look brave, don't they? The two of them. Kicking a boy, lying down... Don't you just adore him, girls? Don't you swoon and sigh at the sight of that young gargoyle breaking the nose of his fellow Slytherin? Don't you guys wish that you could be the lucky one dating miss Zabini, when she leans over his victim, wand in hand, when he has nothing to defend himself with? Because they don't dare taking him on by themselves. Because he is too strong." My voice in nothing but a murmur, a soft purr, yet no one fails to hear me in the devastating silence, in which Neros sister was preparing herself for hexing the boy at the floor to Jupiter and beyond.

The bullies spin abruptly, staring wildly at the alien girl who has unabashedly broken into their secret lair. They are not pleased by the interruption, and they are furious over me defending their prey. The mob looks anxious, but still interested. More entertainment. More blood.

"Who are you?"

"That is none of your concern, dear." You could condense helium with my voice.

"I know who she is. A new one. She got into Gryffindor."

"A Gryffindor? Your new girlfriend, eh, Snape?" He gives his punchbag a kick. "Isn't it romantic? Both greasy haired, both so ugly that not even an Acromantula would date them. Now they've found each other." Another kick. Snape groans.

"I don't care about him, you nitwit. He's a nobody. A looser, that I wouldn't date if he was the last man on earth. But I don't like people who hits the defenceless. That's it." I keep my eyes focused on the bullies, and they meet my gaze, something that gives Snape the opportunity to crawl for his wand.

"And how would YOU be able to stop US?"

"Try me."

They walk threateningly in my direction, wands raised. I draw mine. I can't use it. But they don't know that. Now they are close, so close I could touch them. So I do. My foot fly out, striking Zabini in the shins. With my wand, I stab the Gargoyle where it hurts, and...

"EXPELLIARMUS!" Both of the bullies are suddenly sent sprawling over the floor, their wands flying out of reach. "Petrificus totalus!" They go rigid as boards, unable to move. At the other end of the room stands Snape, wand raised. He looks at me, and I look at him. Then he turns and walks down some stairs, probably to the sleeping quarters.

I turn, and walk out of the room. And I can't help a low chuckle. No one will find out about this. The Rebecca-boy and Zabini will forbid everyone even to mention their pathetic defeat. I will never be punished.

My smile is probably one to be associated with a half-mad serial killer. Life is good.

XxXxX

Six o clock in the morning, I enter the common-room, having roamed through all of the castle, from the dungeons to the Astronomy-tower, investigating secret pathways and shortcuts. Who knows, it might show out to be quite handy one day. And these quiet hours of loneliness has been like balm to my soul. Associating with people, I've found, is quite exhausting. Not so much for my body as for my mind and soul. I don't remember the time when that came naturally, it seems like ages has passed since the time when I was an ordinary little girl, with friends and a happy family. Ages of anguish. Ages of guilt. Ages of hating all of the people I knew. Ages of silent conviction that nobody really could stand me. I don't think that my new friends have realised how much they affected my way of looking at the world, that they razed my whole philosophy after which I have been living.

"_Never expect anything."_

Remus head appears behind a sofa. "Alex? Where have you been? And this early?"

I flash him a most uncharacteristic grin. "Snooping around the castle. Finding out the password to the Slytherin Common-room, for one thing."

"You didn't go in there, did you?"

"Remus, _I_ am not the stupid one in the gang. If you want idiocy, go ask Sirius or James..."

"What is he going to ask us for?" Sirius asks curiously, carelessly sliding down the stairs.

"Stupidity, heedlessness, idiocy, thickness, dumbness, foolishness, daftness, silliness, denseness, obtuseness, foolhardiness... Do I have to continue?"

"One point to Alex" Remus grins. Sirius smiles and takes a seat beside Remus.

James, having listened to our conversation from the top of the stairs, laughs and saunters down the stairs. "Have you swallowed a lexicon?"

"I just find it useful to learn the language I am probably going to speak for all my life properly. And besides, together with you guys, you have to be able to express yourself VERY clearly, lest everything I say would just go in one ear and out the other. With a possible exemption of Remus. But if he really is the intelligent guy he seems to be, then I just cant understand why he keeps hanging with YOU."

"You know, neither do I..." Remus smiled wryly, dodging James, who tries to bash him over the head. We keep bickering and arguing good-naturedly, and everything is just as it's supposed to be. Yet my mind keeps haunting me with pictures of Snape, lying bleeding at the ground, beaten, tortured, with no way of defending himself... Just like me.

And memories, memories of watching Charles and Jonathan through the blood-red haze of pain, as they kick me wherever they can reach... Just like him.

And I can't ignore the wrenching, stabbing, sickly feeling of guilt. If I had only tried to quench my anger that moment when I collided with him... How different couldn't things be now. Maybe, just maybe, we would actually be able to reach each other. I could help. For once, I could be of use to another human being. If only my pride wouldn't be so damn swollen! But of course, if it wasn't, maybe I wouldn't be able to understand him as I do now. But at least, I know I owe him something. I'm in debt to him. What I did in the Slytherin common-room wasn't enough. Not nearly enough.

I am proud. That means I would never break a promise.

Especially one made to myself.

XxXxX

Magic.

When I now finally have felt the taste of it, I find it to my liking. There is a certain tingle that fills the blood as it rushes through your body that appeals to me, and the sharp taste of power fills my mouth like the iron taste of blood, makes my pulse race and fill me with a surging buzz. I watch the peacock feather handed out to me by the tiny professor Flitwick hover through the air. I control it. I make it oppose the laws of nature. My power.

"Uh, Alex, are you still with us?"

The voice of Emily awakens me from my silent reverie, and I loose control of the feather. It soars through the air and lands silently at the palm of my hand. So brittle is power. Brittle and beautiful as glass.

"Alex?"

"Yes."

"Don't do like that. That look you had just a second ago, it... what is it you call it? Freaked me out?" She looks quite shaken, almost...scared?

"What look?"

"Sort of intensive. Like all that mattered in the world was you and the feather. Like you... wanted to do the same to all of us..."

"What? Make you levitate? You can do that yourself."

"I meant CONTROL us. Make us do whatever you wanted... Oh, this is silly, I am just making believe. Nevermind what I said, lets go have some lunch."

I shiver as I follow her down the corridor. She was right. For just one moment, I had been prepared to do everything to gain control of everything in the same way as I controlled the feather. I had felt almost like a... like a bird of prey, soaring through the air above the puny creatures crawling at the ground, ready to strike down at them at any second. The power of controlling others, of being able to lash out at them without anybody being able to stop you. And the power of them knowing it, knowing that there is nothing to stop me, that the only reason I keep them alive is that they are much more fun that way...

Tss, I must be an expert in making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't have that power now, nor is it ever possible that I will. It was just that for a second, I was willing to give anything to get it.

But I wonder if that isn't worse. Having the power to do whatever you chose, but not doing so, that is real power. But wanting that power, because you know that you would be capable of doing anything you chose, knowing that you would... Isn't that how evil starts?

But I don't want to be evil. I don't want to be good either. Being good or evil means that you are always supposed to act in respect to your alignment. I want to chose for myself. I have very unpleasant features in me: Lust for revenge, for power over others. I acknowledge that. But there are beautiful things too: The things that my friends see in me, the things I feel for them. That is to be acknowledged too.

To walk the path of what people refer to as "Good" or "Evil" is easy. It's walking your own path that is hard.

XxXxX

"Miss Neidorsdaughter?"

I look up from my game of wizards-chess with Remus, and my gaze lands at professor McGonagalls rigid frame, only to dart back to the chessboard. "Yes, professor?" I answer, taking one of Remus's knights with one of my pawns.

"You are called to the Headmasters office, young girl. Come with me."

I'm so surprised that I almost miss fending of one of Remus's bishops attacking my queen. "What? What have I done?"

"Yeah? What have you done, Alex, and why didn't you share it with us?"

"Silence, Jamiekins. Professor, am I accused of something?"

She shakes her head severely. "Not here, miss. The office. Now."

I absent-mindedly put down my tower. "Can't my friends come, professor?"

"Why?"

"Why, because she loves us professor, and feels completely unprotected without..."

"Shut it, Sirius. Because, professor, anything even mildly upsetting that I have done during my first week here, I've done with these four." Peter seems to be shocked that I include him. Figures. The I notice the chess-board. "Damn you Remus, that was a very ugly, dishonest trick!"

"But a good one."

"Completely out of point. Well, professor? Please?"

She carefully studies our faces, her feelings and intentions unfathomable behind her grey eyes. Then she nods curtly. "Come, all five of you. Dumbledore's waiting."

Remus rises up, giving me a curious gaze, but I just shake my head. I really don't know what this is all about. Maybe some little Slytherin git actually found the courage to tell one of the teachers of my visit in their common-room, but I doubt it. I think the gargoyle and the elder miss Zabini are too powerful. But what is this about, then?

McGonagall halts, facing a statue of some great, ugly monster. "Lollipops" she tells it. The word seems very strange, coming from her mouth. There is a resounding crack, and a giant spiralling staircase starts to grow out of the floor, reaching higher and higher. We step on, and are carried up to a quite ornamental door made of fine wood. McGonagall knocks impatiently, and a voice at the other side calls "Come in!"

The Headmasters Office is not a tiny bit like the one in my former school, with broken Venetian blinds, a desk cluttered with paper and a perpetual stench of nicotine. That room always used to scare me to death when I was called there along with my bullies to have "A little talk, like adults" because it made me feel like a little stupid, unimportant girl who was bothering the nice, studious girls in her class with her complaining. I feared the room outside The Office even more, since that was where they used to beat me up afterwards. When I whimpered and cried for help, I remember, the Headmaster used to turn on her radio, drowning out my squeals with jazz-music. I think that is why I hate saxophones.

This office, on the contrary, makes me feel safe and confident. Everywhere, there are tiny little machines and devices giving of peaceful humming noises and gentle pings, and the walls are covered with paintings of witches and wizards who all seems to be asleep, some snoring gently. Behind a spotless desk, Dumbledore sits in a large, comfortable-looking armchair. He seems to have been waiting, and smiles at us as we enter, gesturing at a group of chairs. I count to seven chairs. He, apparently, knew that I wouldn't come alone.

"Miss Neidorsdaughter, I presume. Sit down, all of you. Make yourselves comfortable."

Apparently, Sirius doesn't have to be told twice. He props himself down in a chair, throwing up his feet at the windowsill and rocking his chair slightly backwards, looking insolently at home. I give him a murdering glance, sitting down next to Peter.

"Yes, professor Dumbledore. Why did you call for me?"

"I called because of a matter of utter importance. Miss Neidorsdaughter, are you aware of that the muggle police are looking for you?"

There is a crash, as Sirius chair topples over, and he tumbles handlessly into James. I can feel all colour drain from my face as the chock gets to me. "What? What have I done?"

"Do your parents know were you are, miss?" McGonagall inquires seriously.

The colour comes flooding back to my face, as I realise the truth. I had honestly never thought of that. "No" I admit "they do not."

"Why is that?" Dumbledore asks in grave tones. "They are seriously worried about you. It says in the papers that you only left a note that you've escaped, and that your father has gone into a state of chock, and has to be kept on tranquillisers at a hospital."

And what I feel is nothing. Nothing at all. A great numbness seems to be keeping my body in an death grip.

Sirius does not seem to share my problem. "Oh yeah?" he flares, getting to his feet. "In a state of chock, he is? Bloody serves him right! Why would Alex care!"

Dumbledore looks quizzical. "Mr. Black?"

"I understand why he is so angry" Remus says, and to my great surprise I see red blotches shooting up on his cheeks, his voice seems strained and his hands are trembling uncontrollably. Remus is in the verge of loosing his temper! He turns to me. "Do I have your permission, Alex?" he asks gently. I nod my head, still unable to form words, and he turns back to Dumbledore. "They treat her badly, professor. They have been horrible to her. We are angry because..." he halts, drawing breath slowly, in an attempt to take control of himself. "...because we do not think that it is their right to make Alex appear as an irresponsible brat, when she has all the rights in the world to escape. She does not owe her parents anything."

"Indeed? That is quite an accusation." McGonagall says, looking quite stunned at the sight of her best, calmest student having to restrain himself from shouting like Sirius did. "Alexita, what do you have to say?"

I feel my mouth moving through the numbness. "He is right. They have not been nice. Especially my father..." I don't know what more to say, all words seem to have disappeared.

"Your father?" Dumbledore inquires quietly.

"I...he..." There are no words, nothing to say. Everything seems so unreal, and I can't form those words that I know are required.

"He's a rapist." Peter says.

Of all the people I had thought would help me out of that very awkward situation, it wasn't Peter. His quiet remark cut through the room like a razor, leaving silence in its wake. James looks quite stunned and Sirius keeps opening and closing his mouth, looking for all the world like a fish out of water.

"Miss?" Dumbledore asks gently. I nod.

"It is as he says. Thank you, Peter. I did not wish to say it myself. I do not think I could." He says nothing, just turns away his head. But even though I don't think I will ever be so close to him as I am to the other boys, there now is a fine strand of understanding between us. I think he knows how it is to stand at a Headmasters office, with the opportunity to finally tell people how you feel, but not finding the words. Maybe he never had anyone there to help. I am thankful I did.

James clears his throat. "Her mother treats her bad because of it" he says. "And the children at her former school harassed her. She never had anyone to turn to until she got the letter from Hogwarts and eloped. Don't make her go back there, Dumbledore. No-one deserves to be sent to such a place. Alex least of all. She has gone through enough already."

"Yeah. Why can't she get a new home? Somewhere were people care. Let them think that she's dead, or whatever. They don't deserve better. Don't send her back there!" Sirius pushes back a strand of black hair from his face, looking almost threatening.

McGonagall seems to have tears in her eyes, and she's resting her hand gently at my shoulder. And I don't think Dumbledore gets angry often, but he definitely is now. His eyes are stony, and the merry sparkle in them is lost. "I understand" he says. "She will most certainly not have to go back. We will arrange this to the best of all parts. I thank you for telling me this Alex. I thank you too, young men, for helping her. It is lucky she's got so good friends here."

I have to agree with him.

XxXxX

I can't find the guys in the common-room, and I know they aren't at the library or outside or, so I guess that they are at their dorm. That's odd. They haven't really spent that much time there since I started Hogwarts, much less than they used to. They told me. And I could feel tears once more stinging my eyes, even if I managed to keep them away. It feels so odd and different that someone would do something even as small as that for my sake. It feels like an almost-forgotten warmth.

But now, they are nowhere else to be found, so I suppose the dormitory is the right place to look. The question is why they are there. They have, undoubtedly, been acting a bit strange the last three days or so. Between James, Sirius and Peter, meaning glances and unspoken words have been bouncing around quite frequently, and Remus… Remus has not been feeling well at all, that much is clear. He has been so very pale, tired and jumpy, and there is something almost haunted in his gaze. Does this have to do with it, I wonder.

The stairs up to the boys' dorms look just like the ones up to the girls'. Sirius told me that if a boy tries to climb the stairs to our dorms, they will turn into a slide, dumping the boy at the foot of them again (and I didn't even bother to ask how he would know that, mind you). I wonder if the case is the same with these stairs. I nimbly touch the first step with my foot. Nothing happens. I climb three steps. Still nothing. Smiling a bit sourly, I proceed upwards. Obviously, they trust girls more than boys. I can't for the life of me understand why. All the boys I've ever know have been quite trustworthy. Mind, most of them could only be trusted to be spiteful, or to turn their heads and walk away. But at least they were predictable. The girls never were like that. They were inventive. They had all sorts of ways to humiliate and hurt, and you never knew which method they were going for next. I know that I am prejudiced, know that it is probably very wrong to think like this, but it's hard not to. This is how people around me have always been, and I simply cannot seem to trust girls. Not even Emily or Lily. I think I trust them not to hurt me, but I do not trust them not to make me hurt myself. That is impossible.

But I trust James. I trust Remus. I trust Peter. I trust Sirius.

I listen at the doors to the different dorms, catching snatches of conversation or silence. Finally, I can hear James' voice through one of the doors. My first impulse is to open the door, but the second impulse drowns that one out. Instead, I lean my head against the door to eavesdrop. Not a very noble thing to do, perhaps, but undoubtedly the most clever one if I want to find out what the secret they keep hiding from me is.

"…actually can't. She's muggle-born, Remus. She's not even aware of all the prejudice that exists. She will not think less of you." James sounds just a trifle annoyed.

"No matter where she comes from, the first thing she will think is still that I'm a monster. And I don't want that." Remus' voice is uncommonly sharp and quite bitter as well. That's strange.

"You aren't a monster. And if she is as clever as she seems, she'll understand that. She knows you." Sirius' voice is mild and wheedling, and I blink in absolute, utter surprise and shock. What is this about?

"But she doesn't really, Sirius. She's been here about three weeks. She cannot possibly have gotten to know me during that short time. And she IS clever, and she will understand that she cannot. And if that is the case, I might just as well have been acting, right? How will she know that I am not the beast she will expect me to be?"

"I don't think she expects anything."

"But you don't KNOW that, Peter. I don't want to take any chances." He sighs, so deeply that I can hear it even through the door. "I don't expect anyone of you to really understand. I couldn't even tell it to you, you had to find out for yourselves. I've NEVER told anyone about it on my own accord. It's not something you can say, just like that."

"I can't see why" James says bluntly. "It's a disease, Remus. It's not something you've actually DONE, nothing that makes you a lesser person."

"Not everyone agrees. And HOW am I supposed to say it? 'Hey, let me help you with your homework Alex, and oh, by the way, I'm a w-werewolf.'" The sarcasm is somewhat spoiled by the fact that the last word for a while seems to get stuck on its way out of his mouth. I freeze.

Werewolf? What, like those creatures that turn into wolves and go on a rampage each full moon?

Wait a minute… Did I just call one of my only friends a CREATURE! I feel ready to hit myself. In there, Remus is agonising over the fact that I might think less of him if he tells me this, and the first thing I do is confirm his fears. I'm the one who should be thought of as a creature of some kind. How could I?

Prejudice? Well, there has to be. Humans don't like things that are different, things they cannot understand. And Remus must've lived through it all. People hating him because of his… illness, hating himself because of it, not to mention turning into a vicious animal once a month… (Well, so do I, and every woman on the planet, but growing claws and fangs and being fully capable – not to say eager – to kill people, must be classified as worse than just wanting to kill people.) Suddenly, I understand very clearly why Remus is the way he is, why there is always that self-destructive humility somewhere in his gaze and his manners. Why he is so very, very dependant of his friends.

The thought explodes with terrible force in my mind: He needs them so fiercely because they were the first ones to like him for what he was. And because of that, he could go any length for them.

Suddenly, I feel an understanding such as nothing before to this shy, strong, terrified and very brave boy. To belong… He has been given the gift of belonging. So have I. And I need to repay it.

I open the door. The boys, sitting together on one bed, all jump and stare at me. I see concern and vague guilt in the eyes of three of them. In Remus' eyes, however, I see nothing short of panic.

Sirius opens his mouth, but I interrupt before he even gets to say a word. "Yes, I heard. I was eavesdropping." I look at Remus. "I heard. And I feel like such a complete asshole because I even for a moment was scared. Scared of the thought of… you. What you are. Because you don't deserve that. You're… Remus. I'm sorry." I swallow, feeling really small. "And I don't hate you. I like you. You're my friend. I hope I… I hope I am yours. Sorry." I lower my gaze, standing block still, waiting for them to tell me to leave.

"I was afraid when I first found out, too" says James, slowly.

"I was disgusted" Sirius confesses quietly, in a voice that is cutting and acid with self-repulsion.

"Terrified" Peter mumbles.

And even though I didn't hear him move, Remus is suddenly right before me, and without a word he hugs me. He is crying and I am crying, but since we are crying together, I am not ashamed of my own tears, nor does he seem to be of his.

"You are my friend" Remus finally manages to mumble, looking down at me with a watery smile.

"You're one of us now" James proclaims, also standing up and watching us with an approving smile.

If I could, I would be dancing a bloody jig right now.

XxXxX

These are my classmates:

I begin with the girls. Emily Weasley, my giggling-and-girltalk friend (It's a little hard to giggle with Remus. Not to say impossible to talk girltalk with Sirius. Shudder.). She smiles a lot, and never seems to lose her temper. That's a bit scary, but she's okay.

Then comes Alice Norton, the girl that shared boat with me and the Zabini twins. She's good-natured, friendly and sort of motherly, if not necessarily so very bright. Quite clumsy, but generous and open. A teachers dream, since she's always polite and orderly.

Anna Mignon is the founder of the Sirius-Black-fanclub. Yitch. Like his ego wasn't bloated enough already. I admit that he's handsome, but honestly, there are limits. Doesn't the girl got some dignity? Oh, wait, considering her clothes and the way she exposes herself to anything male in a miles radius; No, she hasn't. Get me right here. I don't have anything against flirting. But what that girl does is not flirting. The only thing that differs it from prostitution is that she doesn't charge any money for it. Anyone asking her for a kiss, gets one. She doesn't seem at all bothered by the fact that boys keep touching her breasts and bum as she walks down the corridors, and she can keep faithful to one boy for about half an hour. Maybe she doesn't sleep with them, but that's not the point. It's the mentality that's the point. Like her body was some kind of tool or toy. For someone who hasn't been allowed to have her body to herself, that's just wrong. On top of that she is about as deep as puddle, and she judges everybody that is not like her to be "strange", "scary", "freaky" or "mental". As far as I can se, she thinks I'm all four of these.

Violet Swwart doesn't got a personality. Everything she does is mere reflections of Anna's actions. And she's not even good at it. I pity her.

The boys. First out is Alexander Brown. He is quite shy and studious, and always starts to stutter every time a girl gets near. Seems to have a major crush on Anna. Poor guy. He doesn't seem the type who gets over things like that easily. Since I'm quite shy myself, I haven't got much of contact with him otherwise. Pity. He seems nice.

Frank Longbottom seems funny and quite witty, in a boyish way. He is good in school and studies a lot, but he still spends a lot of time with his friends. A little too perfect, this guy. Makes me feel flawed, in a way.

Hermes and Amos Diggory are the most unlike persons I've ever met. Amos is a real perfectionist, and he hates to be contradicted. Sirius usually calls him Amos-annoying-as-hell-Diggory, and for once, I agree with him. I don't think he will always be this way, though. Seems like he is only trying to mimic someone he admires. Hermes is an artist. He always paints or sings or writes poems. He is lively and intelligent. A little too intelligent, actually, since you can never follow the course of his thoughts. He always comes with strange comments that probably are very intellectual, but they always fly straight over my head, since they seem to be the conclusion of something he has been thinking about for a good while, that I don't know about. But I like him. The world needs more geniuses.

And finally Eugene Lovegood. He's a weirdo, but a nice such. You can talk to him about anything, and he never seems to judge you. The funny thing about him is that he is open to life. When everybody else looks at a thing, they see precisely what they expect to see. Eugene sees it exactly for what it is. That's why most people think he is strange and unsettling. And that is why I think he is one of the most intelligent persons I've ever met.

All in all, I have no objections against my classmates, even though there are some that I would never call my friends. It could be worse. I should know. They're just a bunch of ordinary people. And the best thing about them is this: Even though it's very clear what Anna thinks of me, and Amos definitely is of the opinion that I am annoying since I always question him and interrupt his lectures, I am still not inferior to them in any way. I am respected as a part of the class as well as any other of them. And my acquaintance with the Jamiekins and the others also heightens my status.

See, they are actually good for something! Who would've thought that?

XxXxX

I am just leaving Transfiguration when I hear people shouting down the corridor. I tap Alice and Emily on their shoulders to get their attention. "Lets check out what's going on." I gesture at the distant commotion.

"I don't know." Alice mumbles nervously. "We might get late. And I hate fighting."

Emily gives her a playful shove. "Come on now. We've got thirty minutes to spare, and we might miss something."

Alice nods, still looking quite doubtful, and we move down the corridor. Anna is already there, and I can see her jumping up and down, giggling. Violet watches her anxiously, ready to agree with anything she says. Sometimes I get the impression that she and Peter are quite alike, even though she's got the personality of an old rug, while Peter actually got some.

"Get him then! Come on, Sirius!"

Sirius? What is he doing with all this? We push through the crowd, trying to get a good view. Suddenly, I hear Emily taking in breath sharply, and following her gaze, a sight meets me that drains all blood from my face.

"Come on then Snivelly. Stand up and fight like a man!" Sirius mocks, throwing around with Snapes wand. The other boy in the circle of bodies tries to stand up, but is hit with a hex, sent with almost nonchalant accuracy from James. I can hear Lily somewhere, shouting for them to stop, but the circle of peoples round the scene makes it impossible for her to reach the boys. I see Peter watching them with big, admiring eyes. Remus is nowhere to be seen. I understand him. James, Sirius and Peter is all he got. If he lost them, he would all of suddenly be very lonely. He is probably somewhere else, pretending this doesn't happen.

I look at Snape, wiping a trace of blood from his forehead, his eyes full of hatred as they meet Sirius. And I know what he is thinking. Know what he is feeling. The earth spins around me, I feel the taste of blood, I hear my own voice shouting through the thick layer in which you bury memories that you want to forget.

..."Please let me be... Please... Why are you hurting..." A foot hits me in my stomach "Get off me...I hate you... I hate you...hateyouhateyouhateyou..."...

Snape looks up, meeting my eyes, and his mouth curls into a sneer. I can almost hear him talking inside my head. "You can fend of bullies from me, when you don't know them. When you dislike them. Bet it makes you feel brave. But in front of your own friends, you are powerless. That is why I don't need you, or anyone. Friendship makes you weak. You are all the weak ones, even though you all think you're so big right now. Just wait and see..."

And I know what I must do. I push myself forward, stepping out in the circle. Sirius turns around, and looks quite surprised to see me. Then he smiles his charming smile at me. But I saw the flicker of doubt in his eyes, I know he's afraid that I will tell him to stop.

I cast a glance at Snape, staring at me from the ground, and I let my lips curl into an identical sneer, full of disgust. "You'll get in trouble for this, sooner or later, Sirius. A teacher could turn up any minute. Let him be. He's not worth a weeks detention. He's not even worth your attention. He's not worth anything at all." I keep my eyes fixed at his face, my voice is so low that no one hears me, to the great disappointment of the mob. Sirius looks shocked for a moment, then he shrugs his shoulders.

"Whatever you say, fair lady." He throws Snapes wand at him, keeping his own wand fixed straight at his chest. "Get out, and stop smudging the ground, Snivellus. And wash yourself. You look even worse than usual."

Snape sends him a furious glance, trying to determine if an attack would be worthwhile. Then he turns at heel, storming through the crowd. Everybody backs away from him with disappointed groans. Somebody trips him. He stumbles, but he keeps standing upright, not looking back.

Sirius gives me a fake box on the arm. "Party pooper."

I throw him an icy glare. "Surprise me, Padfoot. Use your head for just once."

He laughs, sees it as a joke, one of our usual arguments. I feel something break inside of me. People never change, no matter where you go. Disappointment blurring my vision, I tell him that I've got a class, and turn away from him. Emily silently joins me. Alice has already fled. Anna looks at me angrily. "Why did you have to spoil it? We were having so much fun!"

I ignore her. People like her doesn't deserve better.


	3. Marauders

Chapter three  
  
Marauders (The plan)  
  
There are people who after a disappointment like this one never would speak to Sirius or anyone of them again. For one thing, I can't afford that. I can't afford loosing them over this incident. And I don't think there is one person in this world who hasn't been disappointed by his or her friends. To stay even though you're sad and angry, even though your friend is not the all-through lovely person that you wanted him to be, that I believe is a test of true friendship.  
  
"A friend is someone who knows who you are, and still stays with you."  
  
Maybe Snape would call it that I'm too weak to leave the boys. But it's a weakness that I prefer to all the strengths in the worlds. And the strength to remain weak in front of obstacles like these seems to me as worth much more than the strength that I owned before, the strength that Snape harnesses so dearly in his heart; The strength to lock everybody out. To put it simply: A weakness founded by a strength is more powerful than an strength founded by a weakness.  
  
Therefore, when I enter the common-room when the day's over, I immediately steer my steps at our usual corner of the room. Right now, I can only find Peter there, taking a nap. It's one of Remus's "sick-days", I found out from professor Flitwick, with whom I got my last lesson. Sirius and James are as always at these times scrounging the library for information about animagi.  
  
I wake Pete by hissing like a snake in his ear. He jumps and I laugh, sitting down beside him. He smiles uncertainly and tells me I scared him. I tell him that that was the point. He tells me that I sound like Sirius, and I hit him with a pillow. The I actually manage to engage him in a conversation. Hard as it may be to pry Peter out of his protecting shell, he is quite an interesting partner in a conversation. I might not always agree with him, but he is definitely not as stupid as he sometimes tries to act like he is. We are having quite a nice time when James and Sirius appear, and Pete decides to seal up again. I sigh. What he does is a weakness that I simply cannot understand. It's one thing to overwin your anger in favour of your friends, another to try to erase your own self. I would do much for power, but I wouldn't do that, since the only power you win by denying yourself is the leftovers from somebody else.  
  
James is waving a thick book and looking quite smug, as he saunters over to us. I can tell that the books from the restricted section, since Sirius is keeping his wand firmly pointed at it, and there are some red stains on the cover that look like blood.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt your little rendezvous, but we have found something this time." Sirius seats himself in front of us, his cheeks quite red with excitement. Peter looks mortified; I merely snort and glare at him.  
  
"Found what?"  
  
"High level transformation-spells." James says, looking even more smug as he gestures at the book. "It's the one we saw McGonagall study all last year. The same year" he lowers his voice "as she became an animagus."  
  
"So how are you going to open that one without it screaming?"  
  
"Oh, it can scream all it wants to" Sirius says and winks.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Open the book, James!" He orders with a flourish, then he takes a watchful stance with his wand directed at the book. The bastard's a damn drama- queen. James nods, and opens it. A wail fills the room, piercing through the silence. I feel certain that this is going to attract a prefect and we are all to spend a month in detention, when I see Sirius lips move, and the scream disappears. Still I have the impression that the book is screaming yet, without making any sound.  
  
"What was that spell?" Peter asks, clearly impressed.  
  
"Quietus" Sirius answers with a broad grin. "It's so simple that nobody seem to have come to think of it."  
  
"They will, when they found out what you've done."  
  
"Alex, Alex, Alex, have a little faith in us, will you. No one saw us, nor will anyone see us when we put it back, thanks to this beauty." James taps a bundle of silvery cloth that reminds me slightly of mercury. Pete's eyes seem to pop out of his head.  
  
"An invisibility cloak! Where did you get that from?"  
  
"My father found it in old Alderberts home."  
  
"Isn't that the old wizard that was... you know... the Deatheaters?" Sirius inquires with a low tone of voice.  
  
"Yeah. They found the Dark Mark hovering over his house just some weeks ago. We are his only relatives, so father was allowed to look through the house for anything we would like to keep. He found this, and sent me it."  
  
"What are you talking about? Who are the Deatheaters?" I look from face to face. They all look so solemn and grave, it's quite scary.  
  
"It's some kind of gang of wizards who're gaining more and more power. They're led by this really evil warlock called Voldemort. They have already killed a whole bundle of people, usually with muggle relatives. And they seem to love torturing muggles. My brother is already talking of joining." Sirius jaw sets, and he clenches his fists, as usual whenever he speaks of his brother. "The bloody idiot. It's certain death, or worse. Sooner or later, this band will fall, and..." He shakes his head, biting his lip.  
  
Peter looks at him, almost scared. "Eh... The book..." he reminds. He clearly doesn't want anyone to get angry. Possibly because he himself is an easy pray in that case. He thinks like a pray animal.  
  
Sirius collects himself. "Right. Lets check out the book."  
  
We open it, searching the contents for the word animagus. And we find it. Excited, we look up the page and start reading. It's definitely the most complicated spell I ever saw. You have to read it like it says, and then backwards, so that you will be able to change back. There is also some kind of potion involved, apparently so that your skeleton will not take permanent damage from it, and it has to be done in moonlight. How very appropriate. This will take time, so much is clear. And we need a lot of things for it. Maps, for one thing, over Hogwarts, since we will have to be able to arrange meetings fast, without anyone getting lost, since we are to keep this secret not only from the teachers, but also to Moony. We start detailing up plans, and Peter comes with the brilliant idea of enchanting maps to show the location of everyone at the Hogwarts grounds. As I said, he thinks like a quarry. He wants to know where the hunters are to be found.  
  
Then one of the prefects enters the room, and we have to hide the book. We agree to that James shall keep it in his trunk, wrapped up in his invisibility cloak, and not to speak to a soul, living or dead, about our plan. And we also agree to a name to this whole, risky operation, a name that only the involved parts will ever know.  
  
Operation Marauders.  
  
"Alex? Are you asleep?" A silhouette appears in the doorway. I look up from my transfiguration-homework.  
  
"Who's asking?"  
  
"It's me. Lily. Can I step inside?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
She stumbles through the dark and reaches my bed. The golden corona of the light hovering over my head makes her eyes resemble those of a cat, yellow- green and flickering, and her hair seems to be on fire. He seats herself with her usual pleasant smile, and when she does so, I notice she's actually very pretty. "Why is it so dark in here?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders. "I like dark. It's peaceful. I can think better if it's dark."  
  
She nods her head, the gently tilts it, looking straight at me. I try to see myself through her eyes. In the golden, dim light, I don't look all that impossible, I imagine. My hair may not look as unwashed as it actually is, and the sickly paleness of my skin doesn't stick out all that much. Since my eyes are pale blue, they probably look fiery orange now. Still, the shadows playing over my face probably enhances my sharply sculptured face, making it look angular, but probably quite dramatic. And what does she feel when she sees me? If I only knew.  
  
"Alex, I... "she halts herself, biting her tongue. "I guess you know now why I don't agree that well with James and the others" she says abruptly.  
  
I nod. I do. She's to open-hearted and warm a person to be able to stand the boys harassing a fellow student. Once I think I was like that. Have I gone cynical? Or just plain desperate?  
  
"You do not like what they are doing to Snape."  
  
She flings her arms out, clearly exasperated. "Why does everyone have to call him that? Doesn't anyone care that he's got a first name?!"  
  
"I don't know his first name, Lily."  
  
"Oh." She looks mollified, a little ashamed of her outburst, perhaps.  
  
"What's his name?" I ask, and I don't know if I do it to make her happy, or if it is because it's really important to me. My feelings are all sort of jumbled up, and the only thing I know for sure is that I want to know.  
  
"Severus." she says promptly. "Severus Snape. And I was really happy when I saw you breaking up the fight yesterday. It proved that I was right in not judging you for 'associating with those morons' as you called it." She gives me a bright smile, and I return it. "Anyway" she continues "what was it that you said to Sirius anyway? I am not snooping" she throws up her hands in defence "if you don't want to tell it's okay."  
  
Is it just me, or does Lily think that there's something going on between me and Sirius? She certainly sounds that way. Is there somebody else that thinks so? It would explain the particularly dirty glances I've got from Anna since that incident in the corridor. Oh dear. On the other hand, it would be quite interesting to piss Sirius fanclub off quite grandly. Hmm... I have to think this over a bit. But still, since I've got nothing really to hide, I can't lie to Lily about what I really said. So I tell her. She seems quite shocked by it, and I understand her oh-so-well.  
  
"But...I don't understand... Didn't you want to help Severus?" she seems to be hovering between disappointment and hope.  
  
I brush my hands over my eyes, suddenly very tired. "Of course I did. I know what that feels like. And James and Sirius knows I know."  
  
"And still they do it?!" Lily seems outraged.  
  
I have to smile. "They don't see it that way. In their world, people being nasty to their friends are horrible creatures, whilst being bad to 'that prat Snivellus' is nothing wrong at all. They don't see that what they are doing is the same thing. Their world doesn't work that way. But they will learn in time."  
  
"But still they cannot be allowed to continue like that just because they are so thick that they don't see it's wrong!"  
  
"I know. That is why I approached them in the way I did. If I had told them off in the way you do, I would just have hurt them, I think. And it would not make a difference. Maybe they would stop that time, but it would happen again, since they're convinced that it's right. But if I make them seem silly doing it, I might actually prevent it in time. And Lily... You know that what you do only encourages them?"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"At least it encourages James. You know he's got a crush on you" Lily blushes "and every time he tortures Severus, he gets your attention."  
  
"But it's bad attention. It's I-really-want-to-slap-you attention instead of kiss-me-again-darling attention." She realises what she just said, and blushes some more. "Why would he want that?"  
  
"You still notice him. It's called pull-the-hair-of-the-girl-you-likes- syndrome, I believe. Only he pulls Severus hair instead of yours."  
  
"But what shall I do then. I can't stop telling them what I think about it. It feels wrong."  
  
"Then don't stop. They will understand in time."  
  
"But Alex... I saw that look you gave Severus. You looked like you really loathed him. Surely you don't? I mean, you don't even know him. And didn't you want him to know that you were on his side?"  
  
I look her in the eyes for some long moments, searching through her open heart with my minds eye, then – having found what I was looking for – I smile sadly. "You're wrong, Lily. I do know him. I know him because I know myself. He's my mirror, and I can see my life, feelings and thoughts reflected in his eyes. And I don't loath him. But what I did, I did for his sake, not for my own. Therefore, it did not matter what he thought of me, as long as I got him free of his tormentors."  
  
Lily looks a tad ashamed of herself. "That really sounded awfully selfish, didn't it? But I just want him to know that he's got someone who is his friend."  
  
"You have tried to help before, haven't you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did he seem grateful when you did?"  
  
Now she looks troubled. "No. He actually seemed like I had offended him more than those...bullies." she spits out the word.  
  
"In a way you had." I raise my hand to silence her protests. "Listen to me, Lily. I know how it feels like to be in Severus position, so therefore I can tell you what you think and feel. When someone starts to treat you like that, you start building protecting walls around yourself. Those walls mainly consists of the words 'I don't need them anyway; I don't need anybody'. When nobody likes you, you convince yourself that you don't want them to, that you don't need them. It's easier like that. It hurts less. But when somebody then comes up that doesn't seem to mind you at all, and starts protecting you, you start to realise that you DO need others. All the humiliations that you've been through suddenly becomes so much more real, you are suddenly aware of your loneliness. That is awfully painful, and when something hurts, you by habit go back to your old mantra 'I don't need them anyway; I don't need anybody' again. And you throw all your anger and frustration at the person causing all this pain, the person that was only trying to help. It is a horribly stupid think to do, but very human. That is why I was so cold. When he's on his back with his pride shattered all over the floor and with Sirius wand directed at his chest, this mantra is all that keeps him from feeling the humiliation and pain. You can't take it away from him then. So if I act like I don't care, I don't hurt his pride and I don't take away from him the only thing that keeps him from tears. Then, when he's alone and not so vulnerable, maybe... I don't know. I never really had any friends at my old school. I don't know how you become one."  
  
Lily looks stunned and amazed, opening her mouth and closing it again. Then opening it again. "And then... Do you think I should stop? Trying to make them stop, I mean?"  
  
"No. Don't. Sooner or later, Severus will have to be able to be saved without getting major fractures to his pride. He might as well have some practice. And if it may puncture James and Sirius pride a bit, I am only SO happy to encourage it."  
  
Once more, Lily tilts her head in that thoughtful way. "You really do love these guys, do you?" I knew she was smart right from the start, and it makes me satisfied in some way to know I was right.  
  
"Yes, I do. All four of them. Each in their own way."  
  
She nods her head in understanding. "Then I am happy for you."  
  
On top of the usual studies, I now have to work on the animagus-spell. We have to know it perfectly, otherwise something might go wrong, and we will end up in a horrible mess, probably getting expelled. We take turns on helping Peter, since he is so darn unsure on himself that he keeps forgetting all the words. And since neither Sirius nor James has got any real patience, I usually end up doing most of the grunt-work. What those morons of boys do not realise is that there is no better way of learning something then trying to teach somebody else. Every time I read the spell sentence after sentence with Peter, more and more gets stuck in my memory. I now know it perfectly in the right order, and I'm starting to learn it backwards.  
  
The potion is a problem, since it contains ingredients that aren't to be found in the students supply, but is kept in a small room next to the potions-classroom. But, Andromeda being who she is, it will probably be easy to avert her attention enough for someone to be able to sneak in there. The plan is to let Sirius do all the distracting, and then Peter is going to steal the ingredients, whilst James is to keep Remus preoccupied. Simple as that.  
  
My job is to brew the concoction, since I am the only one granted admittance to the only place at Hogwarts castle where this can be done without anyone noticing. The haunted toilet of Moaning Myrtle.  
  
As I enter the bathroom, I halt in mid-step being sure for just one moment that someone is in here. Then I realise that, duh, of course there is someone here. The ghost, you ninny, had you forgotten her? I take two steps, and for one second I am sure I hear a distant voice from one of the toilets.  
  
"You read too much, Hermione..."  
  
I freeze. I am sure I heard the voice. Yet no sound now comes from the toilet. I bend forward. No feet. There's no one there. Relaxing, I open the door. A girl, brown-haired and quite short, is sitting by the toilet, watching a cauldron with rapt attention. I fly backwards, colliding with the door of the booth behind me. But when I open my eyes again, there is nobody there. The toilet is deserted. Trembling, I turn towards the door. James is standing there, looking around nervously, as if he does not want to be seen.  
  
"James? What are you..."  
  
I blink. There is nobody standing in the doorway. In fact, the door is shut.  
  
Okay, now things are starting to freak me out. What was this? When I recall the memories of the visions, I realise that it couldn't have bees James. The boy looked too young, his eyes where green, and he had this strange marking in his forehead...  
  
What's happening?  
  
Lily reads Divination, and so does James, since she does it. I have nicked some of their books, reading them when I can't sleep at night. I have read about visions and suchlike. But they usually come to people that have devoted their lives to the Third Eye, and I just have a feeling in my guts that what I saw wasn't exactly a vision. A strange thought crosses my mind. A place like Hogwarts, full of magic, isn't it sort of alive? Is it aware of what happens inside it's walls? What I saw seems to be some other students, concocting a potion that probably leaves, or left, or is going to leave, a lot to wish in the aspect of regard to the school-rules. Maybe some kind of... awareness in this place wanted to show this to me. Show me that I wasn't the only one. Maybe it wanted to wish me good luck?  
  
Or maybe it has got a really twisted sense of humour.  
  
Whatever it is, I feel sort of humble as I step into the toilet, and at the same time a warm, peaceful feeling of comradeship glowing through the years that separate me from those nameless Hogwarts students that I just caught a quick glimpse of.  
  
I am not alone.  
  
We never are, are we? We just have a tendency to forget that sometimes.  
  
"It's nearly full moon. How is that potion going?" James mutters irritably as he bumps down beside me. I give him a long, reproachful look. He sighs and brushes his hand through his hair, in that gesture that's just so typically Him. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm just nervous something will go wrong. So...?"  
  
"The potions ready. I've got it in my trunk. I had to put a freezing charm on it, you know. To keep it from corroding away the vial. It's like acid. Just eats it right up."  
  
"And we're supposed to drink that? Are you sure nothings wrong? Melting away doesn't seem all that tempting."  
  
"I've checked the textbook. The colour is the right, as well as the consistency. And you have to remember what this potion is supposed to do, which is making sure our bones are soft enough not to take permanent damage from shifting shape."  
  
James looks thunderstruck. "You mean we have to drink that muck every time?"  
  
"No. Just the first time. Then our bodies will adapt. But the potions dangerous. When we have drunk it, we have about one minute before it starts to dissolve our bowels and bones. So we have to say the spell right in the first try."  
  
James goes a little pale, but I can see he has confidence enough in himself to believe he can make it. "It will be alright... I hope. I'll go tell the others about that."  
  
He turns to walk away, but I grab his shirt and spin him around. "Not to Peter, you won't!" My voice has a certain resemblance to the cracking of a whip.  
  
James looks as if I slapped him. "I have to, Alex. He must know the risks. To give him a chance to back out. You can't put him in that danger!"  
  
"He won't back out."  
  
"Why is that? He's not that...well..."  
  
"Brave? The hat put him in Gryffindor, didn't it? Anyway, he'll follow you and Sirius through fire, ice and wind. If you do it, so will he. He wont risk loosing your regard." I don't tell him I think that this is only because of their power. Don't get me wrong, Peter is nice, and definitely more intelligent than he seems, but he is unsure on himself to the point of idiocy. He wouldn't want to loose his protectors, if he so has to risk his life. "But if you tell him about the time-limit, he will just get nervous and fumble. He can't afford that. He is better off not knowing anything."  
  
James looks a tad unnerved. "How can you be so damn cold about it?!" he blurts out in sudden anger.  
  
I am about to snap back, but instinctively, I know I'm balancing an a very thin thread right now. I might loose a lot of James liking and trust if I start a row with him right now, and it will take a long time to build it back up again. Maybe it will never ever go back wholly.  
  
Instead, I put my head in my hands, slump my shoulders and try to look as exhausted as possible. "I'm not cold, James. If I was, I wouldn't care what happened to Pete. I'm just trying to do what I think is best. You gave me the task of brewing the potion, and with it the responsibility of it. And I don't want anyone to be put in danger. I know you and Sirius believe in yourself enough to make it under circumstances like that. One could stop trains with YOUR self-confidence. But furthermore, I know that Peter isn't like that. I don't want to be the one to blame, if he gets hurt. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing my face in the mirror, looking down at my hands and know that they were stained with blood. I can't risk that. I cant risk loosing a friend..."  
  
I make sure my voice cracks, and tense all my muscles to look as if I'm trying to choke down a sob.  
  
"I'm sorry, Alex, I really am..." James whispers brokenly, embracing me. "I shouldn't have doubted your intentions. I'm just worried, that's all. Please, don't cry..."  
  
I burrow my face in his chest, hugging him back. Yes, I'm ashamed of myself. Don't think it's easy to fool him like this. But I have to do it. For my sake as well Peters own. Maybe more. This is not the first time I've put up an act in front of my friends, and it won't be the last, I'm afraid. I seem to be doomed to walk around life lying to people. I can just hope that they would understand, if they knew how scared I am, how much I value them and what they have done for me. They help me so much more than they know.  
  
One single tear rolls down my cheek. In it, I put all the gratitude I've got, let it paint a line over my pale skin. And this tear will last forever. I'm full of love that will never fail or fade.  
  
This is for them.  
  
"Could Padfoot be a darling and pad a little softer?"  
  
"Should come from the right person, Jamiekins! It may be that you soar like an eagle on your broom, but on ground, you navigate like a cow!"  
  
"Filch will hear us, so if you please could be a little bit quieter..."  
  
"Shut it, Peter!"  
  
"I just thought..."  
  
"Did you? Really? Did it hurt much?"  
  
"Hey, is Alex still here?"  
  
I sigh. Boys. "Yes, I am still here, and I would advise you both to do as Peter says, or we will find ourselves in a fine bit of a fix! You couldn't even hear me, Sirius, and I'm walking straight behind you!"  
  
"Well, I can't help that some of us doesn't make more noise than a fly when they walk!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? Maybe 'some of us' has learned to tread very softly on their way to the bathroom, in order that their father wouldn't hear them!"  
  
"Oh... Sorry..."  
  
"Just keep quiet, will you, boys? Oh, not you Peter, I was referring to the other buffaloes..."  
  
Then nothing is to be heard except the half-choked laughter from Peter, as we make our way out of the castle, dodging Filch and the teachers currently at night-guard. I keep the potion tightly clutched in my gloved hand, and James is having serious problems navigating both the thick spellbook and his part of the invisibility-cloak. We have to keep quite closely huddled together to fit in it. Luckily, Peter isn't that big, and I don't even reach five feet on top of being thin as a rack. This of course means that Sirius has to bend himself double, and James situation is almost as bad. They look positively silly. You have to see the silver lining on every cloud.  
  
"Down here!" James mutters, tapping a painting five times to open a secret pathway – or rather a slide – down to the Hogwarts grounds. We have to drop the cloak now. I go first, the boys covering my back. The slide ends in a one-and-a-half meter drop, and I tumble quite ungraciously – if softly – to the ground, soon followed by Peter, James and finally Sirius, landing with pronouncedly more elegance than I. They apparently knew about the drop. The bastards.  
  
Then we once more huddle under the cloak, running as stealthily as possible for the Forbidden Forest. When we reach its bounds, and the shadow of the enormous, ancient trees surrounds me, I feel the tension that has been hovering over my body give way to relief. Safe. At least moderately safe. You can't ask for everything.  
  
We sneak a little further, until we reach the small, misty glade we have already decided as the scene for our crime. For a crime it is. Unregistered animagi are strictly prohibited. But I have to admit that it only brings a little spice into the act. I really think I've spent too much time with boys. What horrifies me the most is that I'm getting used to it.  
  
We do not speak, as we make our preparations. We have nicked some goblets from the dinging-hall to keep the potion in. Gold-plated. That should keep the potion from eating through it. That is, if it works as muggle acids, it will. Gold can only be dissolved by aqua regia. I hope.  
  
"Okay. First everybody reads through the spell one more time, make sure they know it. Then I am to take the freezing-charm of the potion and pour it into our goblets. I would advise you to drink it immediately, since I'm not totally sure they will not dissolve. Then we read the spell. We do it in chorus, to make it easier. Any questions?" I try to put all the authority I've got at my disposal in my whisper. The boys nod. They agree to have me as their quiet leader. Now we have all got our roles. Remus is the voice of reason, Sirius the ideas man, Peter the admirer, and James the one who keeps everybody together. And I am the one steering them, in a manner of speaking. Yes, I admit I enjoy this power immensely. I am only human.  
  
Then silence once more rules the glade, as we nervously read through the textbook to make sure we won't fumble when we've finally passed over the point of no return. And, yes, I'm dead nervous, and I can see James's hands shaking, and even in Sirius charming smile there seems to be a slight tremble. Peter is also nervous, but not in the same way. His fear is about failing and looking an idiot in front of everybody, not having your intestines turning fluid. I close my eyes. By all that is good in this world, let my decision be the right one!  
  
"Chadus" I whisper, and the frost slowly melts from the vial. A thin pillar of smoke starts to loftily make for the skies from the melting glass. Quickly, I pour it into the goblets, making sure not to take care that I don't spill a drop at the ground. We don't want a forest-fire at our heels.  
  
The fluid is burning hot, and scorches my tongue as I swallow, but down it goes. I can see my friends grimace, but not a sound elapses from anyone's lips. I smile wryly, but the smile turns into a pained groan, as the burning fluid reaches further down into my bowels. Peter gives half a whimper, James sharply draws breath, and Sirius is biting his lip so furiously that it springs into blood.  
  
With quite an effort, I raise my hand as a signal to the others, and we slowly begin to read.  
  
"A dato, ad infinitum..."  
  
Unpleasant beginning of a spell, this one. From this day to eternity... The pain is becoming more pronounced, and with that, my breathing is becoming more and more irregular, yet I continue reading, syllable after plagued syllable. After ten seconds, long as eternity, the first part is over, and we begin reading it backwards, even more slowly now. I'm scared now, I really am, and I can see the same fear reflected in Sirius's and James's faces. Peter's face only expresses wonder. He gives me a doubtful glance, as if to ask 'Is it supposed to hurt this much?' and I force a smile, nodding in encouragement. He trusts me, concentrating even more at the spell.  
  
He trusts me.  
  
Oh, Peter, I'm sorry!  
  
"...mutinifni da otad a."  
  
As the final word escapes my lips, my knees give way, and I collapse at the ground, clutching my stomach, as the fiery sensation reaches new highs. Yet I can feel a blurry feeling of triumph, as the potion seems to be filling my very bones. Success!  
  
Through a haze, I see James lying on his hands on knees, grasping the grass as spasms of pain goes through his body. Peter is half-lying at the ground, whimpering in pain. Sirius is leaning against a tree, tears of pain in his eyes, a slight hint of panic over his drop-dead-gorgeous face.  
  
James!  
  
Peter!  
  
Sirius...  
  
Success? Oh, please, let it be so!  
  
I open my eyes. It's quite dark right now, but my seeing is better that it was when it was still twilight. Nonplussed, I try to rise up, just to notice that my legs are... well smaller. And my arms...  
  
Slowly and deliberately, I coax myself up in standing position, then taking a good look at myself. And what I see is:  
  
Feathers.  
  
With a cry of triumph, I bat my newly grown wings, gaining height immediately. I soar through the glade a couple of times, after which I land on the tip of the antlers of the deer lying on the ground where James was previously to be found, and give a hesitant little sound. Communicating when you've got the throat of a bird isn't that easy.  
  
The deer twitches, blinks his eyes, and shakes his head. With an indignant cry, I take wing. The deer, looking just as silly as James when he is confused, gets to his feet with just a little wobbling, and looks around at me, sitting perched on a low branch. He opens his mouth, probably trying to speak, but all he gets from that is a silly little squeak. Then something gives me a gentle jostle, and in the next moment, I'm staring up into the face of an enormous dog. My new-found birds' instincts tell me to fly for my life, but my own pride tells that side of me not to be daft. It's just Sirius, for heavens sake. Nothing can grin with so much self-confidence without being Sirius.  
  
I tilt my head slightly. A dog. Figures. He's loyal as a really bad cold. That is: You can't get rid of him.  
  
Now, where's Pete?  
  
A pathetic squeal reaches me from somewhere near ground-level, and I look down. Immediately, I realise two things very clearly. One, I know where Peter is. Two, I'm a bird of pray. I have to bring forth all my self- control to fight back the urge of striking down at the grey-white rat sitting on the ground, looking quite forlorn. Instead, I swoop over his head, lading at the ground.  
  
Lets see. How do you do this then? I try thinking very hardly at my more human shape.  
  
The world spins for a short second, and in the next moment I am sitting crouched at the ground.  
  
I hear three slight whooshing noises, and when I look up, James, Peter and Sirius have all gone back to normal.  
  
"Awesome!" Sirius whispers reverently.  
  
James looks thunderstruck, absently brushing his hand through his hair, as if expecting to find antlers there.  
  
Peter looks at me nervously. "I thought you were going to eat me."  
  
I flash him half a grin. "It was a close one, I admit. You take on some instincts from your present form, I noticed, and one was to swoop down at anything small moving around in ground-level."  
  
"You say so" Sirius mutters sarcastically. "I had to strain my will enormously to keep from barking the whole castle awake, and I just couldn't stop wagging that blasted TAIL."  
  
We laugh quite a bit at that one. Sirius makes a really sour face.  
  
"Oh, come on, Padfoot. Take a joke, will you?"  
  
He lightens up. "Hey, it fits. Padfoot, I mean. It fits my new form."  
  
He seems so exited over his great discovery, that I swallow the stinging remark on my tongue. I let him have his fun. I feel generous tonight, okay?  
  
James looks as if he thinks something over. "Hey. Wouldn't that be an idea? We all get ourselves nicknames, to fit our animagus form. Sirius is already Padfoot. I could be... Prongs, for example."  
  
I am really quite surprised. "That's a brilliant idea, James. Are you sure you're feeling well?" I add with mock concern. He just laughs. Say what you want about this guy, but he has got a lovely sense of humour.  
  
Sirius looks childishly delighted. I have to hide a smile in my palm. "Okay, We've got Padfoot, Prongs, Moony – of course – and..." He thinks for a while. "...Wing and Wormtail." He finishes promptly.  
  
I laugh heartily. "A fine gang we make, eh? Splendid. Well, now I'll just write the note, and we'll be off."  
  
"Note?"  
  
"Yeah, to Moony, if he's human when we get there. To explain. It's not very prudent if we turn to human form, since he could transform any minute. So I'll get him a note, since I'm the only one who's got something even moderately akin to hands. I don't think he would be all that happy if we got Padfoot to carry it in his mouth. Well? Any questions."  
  
Sirius salutes. "No, sir!"  
  
I give him a long, hard look. "Be nice" I commend, turning my attention to the paper.  
  
"Yes, sir!"  
  
I kick him. Not that hard, of course. Just hard enough.  
  
We are in luck, and Remus is still in human shape as we find him, the moon so far being hidden behind a cloudbank at the horizon. He really makes a sad figure, sitting crouched in the darkest corner of the room – as far from the moon as possible, I wager – sobbing dryly into his hands. Oh, god, I just want to turn back, hug him, hold him, tell him that it's going to be alright. I hear James awkwardly shift his position behind my back, and I know he feels just as uneasy as I do. Sirius gives a small moaning, like... well, like a kicked dog.  
  
Remus inhales sharply, getting to his feet and backing away from the door. In his face a horrible fear is written, the same fear that I felt only some minutes ago: The fear of hurting, of failing. Nothing would be so horrible to him than to bite someone, anyone. That would mark him totally as a beast, not just to everyone else, but to himself as well.  
  
Now he looks quite befuddled. I can see emotions rippling across his face, tearing it between surprise to fear to a vague sort of hope. What is this? What are these animals, and what are they doing here?  
  
I cannot take the risk of turning back. The cloudbank is moving fast, as well as the little time we've got left before the moon will shine through, so I'll have to move fast as well. I take wing from where I've been perched at top of James's antlers, and fly swiftly and silently through the grey- shaded room, circulating around Remus's head. Numbly, as if not aware of what he's doing, he lifts his hand. I land on it, making sure to keep eye- contact while I do so. He looks pleadingly at me, begging me... I don't know for what. Maybe he knows that I'm trying to help.  
  
I reach out my leg, showing the quite rumbled note I'm carrying. Nimbly, he picks it out from between my claws, opens it, and begins to read. I can see his expression change as he reads, slowly mouthing every written word.  
  
"Dear Moony!  
  
This is an invitation to a vary small society called The Marauders.  
  
Let me explain myself.  
  
If I've got it right, Sirius, James and Peter found out about you being a werewolf in the second year. After getting you out of the bathroom ("After two hours!" Sirius yells), they told you that it didn't matter, and that they thought that you where – quoting James – "one helluva nice guy" anyway. Am I right so far?  
  
Anyway, they swore an oath then, too, remember. They said they were going to help you. You didn't take it seriously, of course, since how could three twelve-year-old boys do anything about lycantrophia?  
  
Knowing the stubbornness of these boys, I can only assume that you must have been so shocked with the whole situation that your brain temporarily shut down.  
  
They had to give up finding a cure, of course, but they found another way. I think you can figure it out. After all, you're the smart one of the gang.  
  
Wing  
  
with greetings from Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.  
  
Also known as  
  
The Marauders."  
  
Remus lowers the letter, staring at us, one at the time. At last, his eyes land on me.  
  
"Alex?"  
  
I tilt my head a bit, staring right at him, dying to ask "How did you know?"  
  
He smiles, apparently reading my thoughts. "No-one can have those blue eyes without being Alex. Especially if it concerns a falcon. I never heard about blue-eyed falcons, at least." He smiles softly, as his gaze falls on the big, black dog, padding closer. "Sirius, I presume. I see you kept your grin." He ads wryly. I make a rude noise – or try – and Remus laughs. He then nods gently towards the stag and the rat. "James. Peter."  
  
And then he bursts into tears. His knees buckling, he softly falls backwards into an old, mouldy bed. "You did this for me?" He whispers.  
  
James inclines his head, Sirius places his head in his friend's lap and Peter climbs up his leg. I make a soft, purring sound, almost like a dove.  
  
"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve having friends like these!" Remus mumbles, hiding his face with his other arm. Sirius gives an indignant bark at the same moment as I cry out in protest. Oh, you're wrong, Moony, so very wrong. The only thing you don't deserve is this horrible curse that you're plagued with. But you're the best friend one could ever ask for, and we will go to the grave for you, if necessary. Like you would do for us.  
  
I sharp beam of moonlight shots through the window. Remus gives a helpless whimper, gesturing for us to back away.  
  
The transformation is horrible. If nothing else, it seems so painful that it would bring tears of sympathy to my eyes, had not the physiognomy of my falcon form unabled it.  
  
But worse is the trapped expression I see fleeting across Remus's face before the last of his humanity is stolen from it. He is caged inside that monster that is he, and there is no way for him of getting out. Oh, Remus...  
  
Finally it's over. Before us stands a brown-grey beast which mostly resembles a wolf, but which is much bigger and more muscled. Also, the eyes are horribly human. It's Remus eyes in every aspect, except that there is nothing of Remus in the bloodthirst that they are filled with. Yet I can somewhere, deep behind the monster he has become, se a slight shadow of my dear friend, looking out without being able to do anything.  
  
Sirius advances on him, his paws leaving marks in the dust-covered floor. He walks proudly, head and tail raised in alert. Instinctively, he knows just how to approach this new member of the "pack". And Remus lowers his head in respect, his tail hanging limp. He will follow where we go.  
  
And only now I can mentally give a sigh of relief.  
  
We made it.  
  
We create a sort of a system, basically founded on that James and Sirius walks at each side of Remus to keep him from straying out of the Forest, wile I and Peter keep watch, taking care that we won't stumble into nightly wanderers. It functions just fine, and I have never enjoyed anything so much as the raw, moist November wind under my whinges. And even though there was not much of Remus in the werewolf left after the transformation, I can see much more of him now, when he doesn't have to fight the beast to the same extent. I am happy for him.  
  
We return some minutes before dawn, taking care to be gone before McGonagall shows up to fetch him, and we sneak back into our dormitories. I am dead tired as I sneak into my bed, and I'm quite happy it's Saturday, and I can sleep for as long as I want to.  
  
But after a few hours of tossing and turning in restless sleep, I give up, and climb out of bed. I'm still too exited, the rush of the night's adventure has still not left me. Also, gruesome nightmares about everything that could've gone wrong during the night keeps luring in the back of my mind. Sighing, I slip down the stairs.  
  
Remus is sitting by the fire, its copper and brazen light playing softly over his face. I gently pad over to him, slipping down beside him. His eyes do not leave the flames. They glisten like molten rock with the glazed shine of held-back tears.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You would've done the same for any of us."  
  
He looses the grip of one tear, which gently slips down his cheek. "Unregistered animagi..." he smiles bleakly "You could get in to a lot of trouble, you know."  
  
I make a sour face. "We always get into trouble, Moony, that's what hanging around with James and Sirius is all about. And besides, I have to admit it was a real lot of fun."  
  
A laugh. "Tssk, Alex, I'm disappointed with you. You of all shouldn't let people know that. Shame on you."  
  
I hug him, burrowing my forehead into his shoulder. "You don't know how hard it was to just watch, Remus. Just watch, without a chance to do anything. It was horrible."  
  
He returns my hug, brushing a hand over my hopelessly tangled hair. "I saw it was. In your eyes. And I knew it was. I would've felt the same about any of you."  
  
I can feel a whimper shake his body. Dear boy. He's the first one I've ever met who could cry without being ashamed of himself.  
  
A hand lands gently at my shoulder. I look up, and find myself staring into Sirius's face. He is wearing a look of uncommon seriousness, and behind him, James is standing, solemnly gazing down on us.  
  
"We couldn't sleep anymore." Peter mumbles, stepping down the stairs.  
  
"There was too much to think about." James ads quietly, as if not to break the fragile mood between us.  
  
I can feel Remus smile, even if I don't see it. "I owe you one, mates." There is a deep seriousness behind his seemingly jesting words.  
  
"Buy us a butterbeer each and we're even." Sirius smiles gently, the same crooked grin as always.  
  
James grimaces. "Yeah. We need something to take away the taste of that horrible concoction we had to drink. Tasted like sulphur acid. And felt almost as good to drink."  
  
"Yep. Absolutely horrible. Next time, I'm getting Alex to fix a potion for me, I'll be sure to mix it out with some lemonade. Plus, I think I swallowed a rat."  
  
"Sirius!" Peter exclaims, in the same moment as I shout "That was SO not funny, you blockhead!"  
  
Then we all laugh, hugging each other to pieces. Honestly, what would I do without these people?  
  
The following twenty-five days pass sleepily, without much commotion. The days at Hogwarts has their own gentle rhythm, which makes you feel comfortable and at home.  
  
At the twenty-second of December, however, I leave the castle, having been invited over to James's family over Christmas. Apparently, Dumbledore has sent a letter explaining my situation to James's parents, and they willingly agreed to accept me.  
  
I haven't been this nervous since the school-play in first grade. Counting out the horrible tension before our transformation to animagi, of course. I am all jittery during the journey home, not being able to sit still for two seconds together and snapping at everybody trying to converse with me. James and Peter seem to accept this, and gets involved in a deep discussion about Quidditch. Sirius doesn't even seem to notice, he just stares grimly out the window. He has been like this for about a week. Going home isn't exactly something he looks forward to.  
  
I try to catch his eye, but he ignores me, so I give up. Instead, I mumble something indistinct, and slip out the door. I wander through the train full of happy children and adolescents like a uneasy ghost. Finally, I halt outside a compartment where Lily is sitting all alone, looking just as nervous as I feel. I stick my head inside.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, Alex. Sure."  
  
I sit down opposite her. "I don't mean to snoop, but... Is there something bothering you? You don't seem all that happy to go home."  
  
She seems a bit startled by the question, but then she sighs and leans her head in her hands. "You see much. It's my sister. Petunia. She hates me ever since it was clear that I am a which. She's not, you see, and she can't take it."  
  
"Jealous."  
  
"Yes. Mother and father are so exited about it, you see, and even though they mean well... Petunia seems to end up in the shadows, if you know what I mean. And I can't do anything. All my attempts of giving her some solace... she only regards it as useless pity. It hurts her. So I cannot help."  
  
"I see. I'm sorry. Can't be easy."  
  
"Oh, I manage. Could be a lot worse. Anyway, how's your family? You don't seem that happy either."  
  
I ponder this for a while, wondering what I shall answer. At last I decide to tell the truth, if not all of it. "You said that your family could be a lot worse. That's my mother and father. A lot worse. I am not going home. I'm staying at James's house."  
  
Her mouth falls open in surprise. "Are they that bad? What have they done?"  
  
"They... Don't treat me well... I... don't like to talk about it."  
  
"I see." She's all sympathy, immediately having forgotten her own worries as soon as she hears of mine. This girl deserves respect. She's the kind of girl that takes care of homeless cats, who bothers to ask peoples first names, even if nobody else cares, who doesn't judge things by the look of them, who shares other peoples sorrows for the mere satisfaction of making somebody else's life a little less difficult. "But Dumbledore knows, doesn't he? And James's parents. It's really nice of them to take someone home who doesn't have any home to go to."  
  
I smile. It's the exact sort of thing that Lily would do herself. But she doesn't think that way. The virtues of others are more important to her than her own. Respect! "Yes. And that is why I am so nervous. I want to make a good impression. I don't want to make them regret what they've done."  
  
"Do you want a piece of advice?"  
  
"I am grateful."  
  
"Smile. Your real smile, not that sarcastic one that you sometimes use. You have a beautiful smile Alex, even if you don't use it often. It's like... It's like it shows that you have seen how rotten this world can really be, and yet it tells that 'It's okay. As long as there still is people that care about others, it's okay.' Your smile can make people believe in this world. That's a gift."  
  
For a good minute, I just stare at my shoes – well, actually Peter's shoes – not knowing what to say. That must've been one of the most beautiful things someone has ever said to me. As I said, Lily is that sort of person. She sees the good things in everybody.  
  
Finally, I manage a choked "Thanks." Lily smiles warmly, and I can see that my gratitude really means something to her.  
  
Yes, Lily, as long as there is people that care about others in this world, it's okay.  
  
As long as there are people like you.  
  
James's house is at walking distance from Kings Cross, so after having said goodbye to Remus and Peter, who are both leaving by taxi, James, Sirius and I start out down a random street. We don't talk much, Sirius lousy mood lies like a blanket of depression over the three of us. When we finally reach James's gate, I can see his jaw set, and he seems to become even more distant from us.  
  
Oh, dear. Poor boy. I can imagine how he feels. I think I felt the same every day when I was going home from school before I got the letter from Hogwarts. The feeling of being trapped, of having to belong somewhere, no matter what you want or think of it. It feels like claustrophobia, like being caught in a web, like beating around yourself to try to get loose and just getting more and more ensnared... And you can feel your lungs burn from lack of air, and you know that this eventually will be your end...  
  
By standing on my tiptoes, I manage to throw my arms around his shoulders in a hug. "I am not going to tell you that everything will be okay, but... well, you will be seeing us at Christmas eve, and... Just stay alive until then, okay?"  
  
A smile is tugging at the corner of his mouth now. "Is this an official display of emotions, Al?"  
  
I grimace. "Firstly: Don't ever call me Al again. Secondly: No, it was an unofficial, even illegal, display of emotions, and don't tell me about it, cause then I'll have to arrest myself. Goodbye Padfoot."  
  
Now he grins broadly. "Bye Whinge. Bye Prongs. Try to keep from blowing up the house until I am with you again."  
  
"What? Like you being around would prevent us from it?" James looks sceptical.  
  
"No. So I can show you how to do it properly. See you!"  
  
And he is gone, running down the street like a madman, as if making sure to get away before he regrets it.  
  
James gives me a grateful smile as we turn our steps up the aisle leading to his house. I bet it is hard for him to see his best friend like that, drooping like a wilting flower. I pat him gently at the shoulder. "Hating your home is awful."  
  
"I can only imagine. I must be a real hell."  
  
"Yeah...yeah, it is."  
  
Then we walk quietly up the stairs. But it's not an awkward silence; It's the silence between two friends, it's a silence built on understanding. I find it quite nice.  
  
Click. James twists the key a quarter of a turn, opens the door and shouts at the top of his lungs "Bow all ye insignificant servants, for the young master of this house is back!"  
  
A voice from the kitchen answers "Coming soon, pumpkinpie!"  
  
James fakes a highly indignant voice. "Mum! Here I am trying to impress the young lady, and you just spoil it all!"  
  
The voice from the kitchen again "Oh, yes of course. The young lady. I'll be there in a minute, Jamie!"  
  
James sighs. "I wish she could stop calling me that." And then he ads, seeing the gleeful look at my face: "You unsympathetic bastard."  
  
Which of course only makes me laugh even harder.  
  
"Hello there. Alexita, I presume?"  
  
My eyes are immediately glued to the floor, as if they were kept down by the mere weight of the lump which seems to be growing in my throat, effectively preventing me from speaking.  
  
I can feel how Mrs Potter smiles. "I bit shy, perhaps? No worries. Oh, let me take your bag. Come now – you too James - I've got dinner ready..."  
  
She takes me by my hand an leads me out into the kitchen, then disappears with my bag. James sits down opposite me at the dining table. "She's always like that." He smiles.  
  
I look up, feeling I have to say this. "You're very lucky, Prongs."  
  
He blushes, but seems happy. "Yeah... I guess so..."  
  
"Arf!"  
  
My first impression is the James is being attacked by a very hairy footstool, then I realise that he is actually being licked in the face by a small and very energetic dog. James laughs and tries to keep it away, though very half-heartedly.  
  
"He seems happy to se you again, my son."  
  
I jump at the unfamiliar voice, but force my gaze up to meet the one James's father is giving me.  
  
"And this must be our guest?"  
  
My voice seems very small. "Yes, that's me. I'm Alexita Neidorsdaughter. A...a pleasure to meet you."  
  
We shake hand, and he smiles warmly. He seems much more sensible and calm than his son, yet they look much alike, with black hair and hazel eyes. "We hope that you will be comfortable in our home. James has told only good things about you, and Dumbledore sent us a letter to... explain things."  
  
My eyes jump to the floor once again. "Good... I mean..."  
  
I can FEEL the warning gaze that James sends his father. He seems to realise his mistake, and puts a gentle hand at my shoulder. "I am sorry. Now is not the time to speak about such sordid matters. And the dinner is getting cold."  
  
I lift my gaze, let it wander between James, who's looking anxious, to his father, smiling gently at me, to his mother in the doorway, looking concerned, to the dog, oblivious of the tension around him. One loving, caring family; Without rivalry, without hate, without fear, without the clogging feeling of being unavoidably...stuck.  
  
I smile broadly, remembering Lily's words. "I think I will love it here." 


	4. Christmas

Chapter four  
  
Christmas (Safety)  
  
Mrs Potter is a rather short woman, with short-cropped brownish red hair which I don't think she could keep in any hairdo to save her live. She is freckled, blue-eyed and she keeps smiling her own very enthusiastic smile, as if she expects every second to bring her all the joys of the world. And I actually think they do. She's wearing a spotless apron with strawberries embroidered all over, and if the words "Home, sweet home" had their own odour, it would be hers.  
  
She opens the door to the guestroom with a little flourish, and I look inside. It's a quite cosy room, actually. Usually in a guest-room, you find every gift that the family just can't get rid of if they want to keep being friends with the giver, but still doesn't want to have to look at every day. Here, on the contrary, someone has really strained him- or herself to make the guest feel comfortable and at home. A small lamp at the bedside table gives of a warm pinkish glow, and a painting full of flowers and bumblebees at the wall opposite the wall gives off a soft humming sound. Remus's bag, that he borrowed me when he saw me trying to carry off all my lent books and clothes – both my own a Lily's – by hand, is to be found at the bed. Everything seems so neat and tidy that I feel quite forlorn a helpless, not knowing what I should do first.  
  
"Here. You can pack up a bit, and then you could take a bath after that. You always feel better with a nice warm bath after a long trip, don't you think."  
  
I was just making my way into the room, but now I stop dead at the carpet, my eyes glued to the pattern of happy roes running along the edge.  
  
A bath?  
  
The feeling of wet metal against my skin, hot water in my ears, in my mouth, I can't breath, she's holding me down, her hands clutching my neck, mother you're hurting me, mother please stop, mother...can't...breath...  
  
Left alone in the shower. The small trickle of blood running down my leg is washed away by the unsparing beams of water. I can't feel my tears through the burning-hot liquid, but I know they're there. My hand reaches for the tap, twisting it. Ice-cold water beating me against the floor, washing away the feeling of his hairy body against mine, his knobbly knee prying my thighs apart... I run my fist into my mouth, I bite it as hard as I can, and I scream.  
  
"Mrs Potter..."  
  
"Oh, please call me Jenny, dear."  
  
"Jenny... I... There was no..." My voice breaks.  
  
"No what?" I can hear how she steps closer to me.  
  
"There...was no lock. At the bathroom door. At...home..."  
  
"Which home."  
  
"Both."  
  
"Sit down here, deary." She puts her hand softly at my shoulder, and with a gentle push makes me sit down at the bed. "There's a good girl. Now... They came in, didn't they? Your parents. When you were in the bath."  
  
"Yes. Oh, father only had a shower. With these curtains around that you couldn't see through. I tried to shower without them, but the hall got flooded, and he... punished me. So I had to keep those curtains shut, and I never knew it when he was suddenly to pull them away and... and... And mother had only this small bathtub. She used to come in when I was sitting there naked... and her nails... There used to be red markings all over my back for weeks after it... And sometimes she put her hands around my neck and held me down until I... fainted. And she told me all those things about me, that I was ugly and worthless and that nobody really liked me... And the worst thing was... that she was... right..."  
  
I turn my head away, letting my hair fall into my face so that she won't see my tears. Which of course is silly, since my whole body is shaking with sobs. I can feel her hand stroking my ghastly hair, and she mumbles something that sounds quite melodious. I strain my ears to hear what.  
  
"Poor little lamb,  
  
creep close to mum,  
  
the lightning and thunder can't hurt you.  
  
Poor little dear,  
  
trembling with fear,  
  
I won't let the blackwolf get you..."  
  
A lullaby, apparently, meant to calm scared children when they've woken up from a nightmare... I lean heavily against her shoulder, and she embraces me, rocking me back and forth gently, as if holding a newly born babe.  
  
And then she speaks. "If you refrain from those things that scared you in the past, it means you still are frightened, and the past is still real and alive. But if you walk right into in, telling yourself that there is nothing to be scared of, you know, then you win over it. All those things that happened will lack meaning, will be insignificant, and your life right now will be much more alive. Try. A little at the time. I know you can. And maybe you won't stop being afraid just by taking a bath here, but every time you face your fears, a little bit will be washed away, until they won't make a difference anymore. Are you with me?"  
  
I answer with a mumbled "Yes" and bury my face into her shoulder even more. And she patiently holds me, gently stroking my back...  
  
Like a mother calming a little child that has just woken up from a nightmare...  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Plink.  
  
I turn around in my bed, trying to fall asleep again.  
  
Plunk.  
  
Is it raining, or what?  
  
Plink, plunk.  
  
The noise is coming from the window. A bird?  
  
Plunk, plink, BANG!  
  
What the...?  
  
I get out of be and run to the window, peering outside. Sirius is standing at the lawn, waving his arms and grinning. I open the window.  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Can you let me in? I can't seem to get a reaction from James."  
  
"Maybe he's all too used to you trying to break his window. What was that last thing you threw?"  
  
A big, flashing grin. "A firecracker."  
  
"Damn you, Padfoot!"  
  
"Please Al!"  
  
"Who are you speaking to?" I wonder, looking around overdramatically.  
  
"Please, miss Alexita Neidorsdaughter?"  
  
"Now that's a good boy. Be right there..."  
  
I close the window, pull off my pyjamas and getting a dress on in a blink of an eye. Then I start for the door, but change my mind. I go back to the window, opening it once more. "Are you alone out there, Padfoot?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Can you see anyone watching?"  
  
Sirius turns around a few times, watching the windows surrounding him with rapt attention. "No" he finally answers. "Totally dead. And after all, it's half past five in the morning."  
  
I groan. "I am SO killing you."  
  
Sirius makes a sour face. "Not my fault that Regulus felt obliged to wake me up at five. And after not being able to fall asleep, I decided that this was an excellent opportunity to sneak out without my mother noticing. So, here I am." He bows.  
  
I jump out the window.  
  
I hear Sirius scream, but ignore it thinking "Falcon, falcon, falcon..." to myself as hardly as I can.  
  
Ten meters left.  
  
Five meters.  
  
Three...  
  
And finally I feel air filling my whinges, and I soar upwards, triumphantly looping and spinning. I take the opportunity to tap James's window, whereafter I land in an apple tree and turn back. I hear Sirius running towards me as I climb down.  
  
"Don't you EVER do that to me again!" he yells, dragging my bodily down and twisting me around. He looks positively livid. "Have you got any idea how scared I was, Alex? Any at all?"  
  
I meet his gaze, struck dumb by his sudden anger. "Scared?"  
  
He smacks his forehead. "Suddenly you just jump headfirst out the window at the fourth floor, about fifteen meters from ground level! Of course I was scared. I thought you were going to die for sure. Why didn't you transform before you jumped?"  
  
I hang my head, actually ashamed of myself. I never thought about him, didn't even consider how he was going to react. Selfish, horribly selfish.  
  
"I am sorry, Sirius. I really am. I did not think..."  
  
"You didn't think, you say? Really?" he snaps sarcastically.  
  
"Please, Sirius, don't be angry. I feel horrible enough already." I meet his gaze, pleading forgiveness. His expression softens.  
  
"I am not angry. I was just frightened, that's all. Thought that we would loose you. You mean too much, Alex. I couldn't take that, and I know the others feel the same." He pulls me up in a hug, almost strangling me. But I can take that, considering how happy he just made me. To mean something to someone is something very big. It makes you feel important.  
  
I hear the grin in Sirius voice when he speaks once more.  
  
"But it was an awesome trick, that."  
  
I hit him. He just grins. I glare at him. Then, at the exact same moment, we bust into laughter, throwing ourselves down at the soft grass. There we sit for an hour and a half. We do not bother to wake James.  
  
Some moments are for two people only.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"Alex? Alex, wake up!"  
  
"Muh..."  
  
"Come on, Alex!"  
  
"James?"  
  
"Clever girl! Yes, it's me!"  
  
I open my eyes, then shut them again in an attempt to shield out the vehement glare of the sun. "What are you doing in my bedroom, James? Stick to Lily, you!"  
  
I can HEAR how he blushes. "Alex! But anyway... You have to get up Alex, come on! It's Christmas!"  
  
I open my eyes again, giving James a frosty stare. "I know it's Christmas. Unlike some other people that I could mention, I am in absolute position of my wits, thank you very much!"  
  
And of course, he just laughs, and then he more or less drags me bodily out of bed. At least, he leaves the room to give me time me to get dressed, so I guess there's a silver lining to every cloud.  
  
I usually do not care so much about how I look; There have been very few opportunities in my life when I could give my self up to vanity. But since today is a quite special day – at least to me – and Mrs Potter already has lent me one of her old dresses to wear today, I actually stay for some seconds before the mirror.  
  
I immediately recognize Jenny Potter as a woman of great taste. The dress she lent me is a quite classical long, ladylike piece of clothing, pale- blue in colour, "To match my eyes" according to Jenny. Oh, well.  
  
I take some effort to comb my hair, only to find it extraordinarily painful. I am definitely going to put in my mind to remember never to fall asleep with wet hair ever again. Ouch.  
  
At least I manage to take away some of the resemblance to a thorn bush that my hair previously owned, and to tie it up in a knot at the back of my head. There. Not THAT awful, is it?  
  
James knocks impatiently, and with a slight shrug, I step out into the corridor. James whistles. "Wow, Alex. You look good in that, you know. I actually never saw you wearing anything that wasn't... black."  
  
I shrug my shoulders. "I like black. It's practical. Plus, it goes well to my cheerful disposition."  
  
A laugh. "Still Alex, try to put on something more colourful sometimes. You look pretty in it."  
  
"Reading between the lines: Otherwise, I don't."  
  
"Oh, come on Al, that was so not what I meant, and you know it! I was just trying to express that I think you..."  
  
"Don't call me Al, for crying out loud! And didn't I tell you to stick to Lily?"  
  
"Alex! Stop it! And don't you worry" he ads with a malicious smile "I'll save you for Padfoot."  
  
I fling my arms out in exasperation. "Why does virtually EVERYONE think that I'm in love with Sirius? Is it some kind of contagious disease? It's not like I've been found smooching him or something!"  
  
James laughs. "A petty really. And who does "Everyone" mean specifically, then?"  
  
I grimace. "Lily, that's for sure. And Andromeda's been giving me significant looks of lately. And Anna Mignon seems ready to brutally murder me."  
  
"Oh, that bitch." James makes a disgusted face. "She's scary. Did you know Sirius hides behind me every time we're able to spot her before we meet her in the corridors? He says he hates the way she always looks at him. Like he was a priced bull that she wants to examine in addition to decide whether she should buy him for her collection or not. Creepy."  
  
I have to laugh at this one. "Did you know she's founded a fanclub for him? The Sirius Black Fanclub?"  
  
We enter the living-room. "No way she has! That's so...ugh..." He shudders, waving his arms. "I just mean, doesn't the girl have some dignity?"  
  
"James?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You have met her, haven't you?"  
  
He ponders this one for a while. "Alright. So she hasn't. Anyway... D'ya think we should tell him? I mean, just to freak him out royally?"  
  
I give him my best Sirius-grin. "Hell yes!"  
  
"There you are!" Mr Potter calls good-naturedly from his side of the room. "Time to open your presents."  
  
This is an absolutely perfect scene. The loving parents, the exited dog, the young boy joining them... and me. And I belong; I am a part of it. Shit.  
  
I am not going to cry, I really am not!  
  
I push back the tears threatening to overwhelm me and prop myself down into a squashy armchair, and James hands me my first gift. A book, so much I can feel through the wrapping.  
  
"Guess who this comes from?" James asks with a wry grin. I grin back.  
  
"Moony, who else?"  
  
"How could you guess?" He hands me a card with a waving Santa Claus, only that Remus obviously has hexed it: The Santa Claus is wearing Albus Dumbledores face, and under his arm he's carrying thick schoolbooks. So typically Remus. I turn it over and read: "Merry Xmas Alex. I hope you'll survive your time at James's house with your sanity more or less intact, though I sadly enough doubt it. If you're feeling that you're slipping off the verge, this might help you. Enjoy!"  
  
Intrigued, I tear of the wrapping from the present, exposing a book titled "Wisdom and Wittiness for Warlocks and Witches. Quotes for every occasion."  
  
Ha!  
  
Meanwhile, James's mother has disentangled yet another gift from the big pile under the Christmas tree, handing it over to me. Well, actually it's two presents strung together with a thin rope, one soft and one hard. It shows out to be a hand-knitted sweater and a packet of chocolate frogs from Emily. From Peter I get a big package of different kinds of candy, from Lily I get some money to buy some school-robes of my own (Heh...) and from James and his parents I receive some different assorted clothes plus a pair of shoes.  
  
Sirius has also hexed his card. It probably once showed Rudolph the Red- nosed Reindeer. Now it shows Prongs the Red-nosed Stag. He has exchanged Rudolph's head for James's, but NOT in animagus form. He looks quite interesting with his big, red cartoon-nose. I fall over laughing. James does not seem nearly as amused as I am. Unappreciating git. While blissfully listening to James being teased by his parents, I open Sirius's present.  
  
A long silver necklace spills out in my hand. From it hangs a miniature falcon made of something that looks all-too-much like platinum, and with sapphire eyes. I hear a sharp intake of breath, and look up, only to find James holding a similar necklace, only made of gold and with a stag made out of red gold in the end. We look up at each other, shocked. "Rich bastard" James mumbles.  
  
Mr. Potter looks quite baffled. "You've got one very lucky friend, it seems" he points out.  
  
I shake my head. "Money is something he gets instead of love. But he's and angel for giving this to us anyway. Could you put it on?" I add to Jenny.  
  
James snorts. "Angel?! In that case, angels are REALLY falling in standard nowadays." But he also carefully attaches the necklace around his neck.  
  
I come to think of something. "Speaking of Sirius, shouldn't he be here by now?"  
  
"Oh, so this comes from young Sirius?" Mrs. Potter inquires, looking quite impressed.  
  
"Yeah, and Alex is right. He really should be here by now. And it's not like him to be late here, is it?"  
  
A worried silence fills the room. I can see the thoughts and speculations of the members in the Potter family fleeting across their faces; They do not trust Sirius's family, they're afraid that something might have happened to him. I make up my mind.  
  
"Then I'll guess I'll have to go get him."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
I feel like I'm going to a masquerade. First, James draped me in his cloak, then Jenny put on some quite heavy make-up, and finally, Mr. Potter hexed my hair into some weird braiding. Apparently, all these things make me look like a witch from a pure-blood family. I don't know, since I never really studied one.  
  
As I stroll down the streets, heavily laden with snow, a thought strikes me. It's in the middle of the winter. How come it was late summer at the yard outside James's house? Must be some fairly complicated spell. Hopefully, there are no muggles living there.  
  
I let my thoughts stray, trying to keep from thinking about where I'm going. But to no avail; I'm dead nervous as I reach Grimauldplace. And as always when I get nervous, walls of ice fly up around me, cutting me of from the outside world, cutting of my own feelings. My eyes become frosty, my smile an unpleasant, sarcastic sneer, my voice sharp and acid. It's like I transform, or maybe rather like all the rather unpleasant thoughts and feelings that I keep inside of me breaks out and takes control of me. Right now, this is exactly what I need.  
  
I ring the bell, and then wait silently for someone to answer. The door is opened by a boy that seems to be slightly younger than me, rather pale and peaky, but otherwise with a striking resemblance to Sirius. Regulus, probably.  
  
Upstairs, I can hear voices. First, a woman's voice, sharp and commanding, then Sirius, shouting.  
  
"Yes?" Regulus demands.  
  
"I like to speak to Sirius Black. I am a friend."  
  
"He can't go out. Mother said so."  
  
"Then may I speak to your mother?"  
  
He looks a bit uncertain, afraid to call down his mother's wrath upon him, no doubt. "Who are you anyway? Are you one of those stupid mudbloods or traitor families that Sirius hangs with? Because mother says that he shouldn't se them."  
  
I step closer to him, eyes flaring. "How dare you?! A mudblood? A traitor? Let me tell you one thing: I come from one of the purest families of all the north. Speak like that about them ever again, and I will break your scrawny neck. Now get me your mother!"  
  
He gives me one last scared glance, then flees up the stairs. Poor kid. Can't help he's brought up in this horrible family, really.  
  
Now a lady appears at the top of the stairs, gliding down with the whole, commanding grace of an empress. "Yes? You wanted to speak to me."  
  
"You had forbidden your son to leave the house. I ask you to reconsider it."  
  
She looks displeased. "He will only visit these... Potters..." she spits out the word. "Traitors of all who are blessed with pure blood, they are."  
  
"Not if he goes with me, he won't."  
  
"Indeed?"  
  
"I don't associate with that kind of people." I make a disgusted grimace. Yes, I am enjoying this. So what?  
  
"Indeed." A pleased smile. "And what family are you from, miss?"  
  
"I am Alexita Neidorsdaughter. Our name is not much known of here. I come from a line stemming from the great warlock Neidor of the north. We keep to ourselves, since we don't want to get our blood polluted, nor do we want any contact with muggles and suchlike. I'm here for school incognito. We pretend that I live together with some very distant muggle relations." I make a face. "Of course I haven't even met the scum, but mother thought it best this way. She wants to protect me from bad influences. But since the house of Black is one of the purest in England, she willingly agreed to my associating with some of the siblings stemming herefrom." I give her a curt nod, which she repays with a pleased smile.  
  
"Then, of course, I am willing to reconsider my actions. Wait a moment." She disappears up the stairs. With her gone, I make a disgusted face to the world in general. What a horrible old hag!  
  
Then she once more appears from a doorway at the top of the stairs. Sirius is trailing after her, suspicion written all over his face. When he notices me, he stops dead. "Alex!" he exclaims, clearly not believing the witness of his own eyes.  
  
His mother turns to him, which gives me an opportunity to mouth "Keep up the act" to him. He nods swiftly, indicating he has understood.  
  
"I'm sorry. Mother, Alexita, you have to forgive me. I was only very pleasantly surprised, that's all. My dear, it's absolutely splendid to see you again!" He exaggerates his role, of course, but his mother seems to swallow it. She beams at us both, as he takes my hand very seriously and kisses it. Ha! If she only knew...  
  
"See there, Sirius. Maybe keeping this charming young girl company will keep you from meeting the wrong sort of people, and instead lead you to meet more of OUR kind."  
  
"Yes mother" he answers, sounding subdued and throughoutly ashamed of himself. Like he ever was...  
  
We leave, whishing Mrs. Black a very merry Christmas. As soon as we round the corner to the block, we look at each other, and almost fall over from laughing. We stand there for some minutes in the blistering cold, then Sirius points out that I'm starting to look blue, and we begin making our way home to James's house.  
  
"Thanks a bundle, Al...ex."  
  
I grin. "A close one, Padfoot, a close one indeed."  
  
He just answers my grin with an even bigger one, and tries to hit me with a snowball.  
  
"Hey! Get of me, you bastard!" I give him a shove, landing him in a big pile of snow at the side of the road. He just laughs, getting to his feet, and we start walking again.  
  
Still, the silence makes me nervous by some reason, and I ransack my brain for something intelligent or at least intelligible to say.  
  
"So... What do you think of my splendid outfit?" I gesticulate at the make-up and the braids. Sirius tilts his head to one side and studies me critically.  
  
"Well... It looks quite dashing, but" he finishes "you don't look like Alex like that. And I like Alex more."  
  
"You know, Padfoot, sometimes you can actually be quite sweet."  
  
He makes a sour face. "I blame it all on my unhappy childhood."  
  
"What? You being sweet sometimes?"  
  
"Yes. You won't tell anyone, will you?"  
  
"Damn you Padfoot, you're hopeless!"  
  
He grins broadly. "That sounds more like it."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The day after, we all go to Diagon Alley so I can get some new clothes. We decide to meet by a small restaurant where we are all going to dine at twelve, and they leave me at the new shop, Madame Malkin's.  
  
Marianne Malkin is a young witch dressed in very stylish, very purple robes. She is short and a bit round, she smiles and talks almost as much as Emily, and worriedly shakes her head at how skinny I am.  
  
"You really should eat more, dear" she chides me as she pulls a robe over my head and starts nailing up the seams. I answer her with a bleak, albeit friendly, smile. Interacting with strangers is not really my teacup.  
  
When she's finished measuring, she takes my name and begs me to come back at half past eleven, since her sewing-machine in broken and she has to do it by wand. Since that gives me a good opportunity to snoop about a bit on my own, I'm not the one to complain, I just beg Marianne Malkin goodbye and slip out the door.  
  
I follow the stream of people, ending up before a giant marble building with the word "Gringotts" written in large gold letters over the great entrance. So this is the famous wizarding-bank... I make a mental note, as I slip down a dark alley.  
  
It's like entering a whole new world. The sunlight seems more dimmed, an unpleasant odour fills the air, and people hasten down the street without looking at each other. A rickety sign tells me that I've found Knockturn Alley. Charming place. But interesting.  
  
I pull up the hood of the cloak that I borrowed from James, sliding down the street and trying to remain unnoticed. I soon realise that this must be the nest of the worst scum in all the wizarding-world. Evil warlocks and trolls mingle here, glaring sullenly at each other. I wouldn't be surprised to find Sirius's mother here... Not that I want to.  
  
Lost in my thoughts, I don't even notice the middle-aged woman working her way in the opposite direction until I collide with her. For one horrifying moment, I believe that it is actually Mrs. Black that I've bumped into, then my mind gets it self together and tells me that, no, this is a complete stranger.  
  
Tall, black-haired, maybe once upon a time pretty, but now worn-out and tired. Violently make-upped and with frayed and stained robes.  
  
"Excuse me... I did not see you." She smiles nervously at me.  
  
"Oh, it's really my fault. I'm afraid I was walking with my head in the..."  
  
I am interrupted by a sharp intake of breath behind a woman and a surprised "You?" Startled, I look up, having a feeling that I've heard that voice before...  
  
Oh.  
  
Hello there, Severus Snape.  
  
"Yes, it's me. Surprised?"  
  
"Oh, you hanging around here would not be at all popular amongst your... friends, would it?" His mouth curls into a cold sneer.  
  
"That would be none of your concern, would it? Neither is it of any importance. I am not Sirius Black, nor James Potter, nor Remus Lupin, nor Peter Pettigrew. I am Alexita Neidorsdaughter, and Alexita does whatever it Alexita pleases. And right now, it happens to be strolling down Knockturn Alley. Capish?"  
  
Severus mother smiles hopefully. "Oh, you're one of Severus's friends from school, are you?"  
  
She seems so happy about it. A swift pain crosses over her son's face.  
  
"Yes. Something like that. You might call it an ally."  
  
"Oh?" Her face expresses true joy. "Well, I'm Severus's mother. Julie Snape. A pleasure to meet you."  
  
"Alexita. And it's a pleasure to meet you too." I take her hand and shake it. I really like this woman, although everything about her screams of uncertainty and a need to be taken care of. And surely enough, Severus hand at her arm is the protecting hand of a parent on a frail child. Oh deary, deary me...  
  
"Well, wouldn't you want a bit coffee, or...?" She seems almost childishly delighted. Probably sad that she has never met the friends that Severus has invented to convince her that he's happy at Hogwarts, since he did not want her to be unhappy for him.  
  
"I would be delighted." My voice is quite firm, and Severus gives me a startled glance. He did not expect this, so much I can see. I give him a wolfish grin, as I follow Julie, eagerly showing the way.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Julie Snape is limping. A special kind of limp, like she wants her thighs to make as little contact with each other as possible.  
  
And now I see why she is so heavily make-upped. Now I see what she is trying to hide.  
  
A big, greenish bruise going from cheekbone to chin, and a black eye. And the limp... I remember that. I remember what it is like to limp like that. Amanda usually said that I looked like someone had shoved a broom up my arse, which all in all wasn't that far from the truth. Not at all.  
  
I cast a furtive glance at Severus, leading his mother's way. Does he know how much alike each other we are? Probably not. He does not know that I'm aware of what it is like when going to school is a waking nightmare, and when your home offers no safe haven. Yet I know that he knows, and right now I want to do nothing so much as to reach out my arm and touch his hand. But of course, I don't. We are still too far apart.  
  
We stop at a quite squalid, small café, and Mrs. Snape, talking and giggling like a little girl, leads us to a table at a far corner. She's like a child, in some aspects. A frightened, hurt child, who's doing everything she can, almost manically, to forget the hell that is her life. She can't have been old when she married the bastard doing these awful things to her. In her late teens, at the most.  
  
We sit down, and Julie leaves to order a cup of coffee each. As soon as she can't hear us, Severus turns abruptly to me. "Why are you doing this?" he asks aggressively.  
  
I meet his gaze, trying to reach deeper inside him. "Because of what I said to your mother. I may not be your friend, but I am an ally of yours."  
  
"Why would you, of all people?" he snarls bitterly.  
  
"Tssk, Severus. You're intelligent, I know that. So do not judge me by my friends. I am instead giving you an opportunity to judge me by whom I am now. Try."  
  
"But... If they would notice this..."  
  
"Then I would be in trouble to no end." I finish tiredly. "Remus, of course, would be my friend just as much as ever, and Peter wouldn't know what to believe. James maybe could accept it, and Sirius..."  
  
"Black." His smile is quite unpleasant. "He would hate you, wouldn't he?"  
  
I look up, clearly displaying my pain. "It's possible. And I won't pretend that I wouldn't be devastated if that was the case. But this is worth it."  
  
"What's worth it?"  
  
"Doing what I feel is right. Maybe getting closer to you."  
  
"And why would that be important to you?" He stirs restlessly, his face still hostile. Yet I can see a glimmer of hope somewhere deep beyond the veil of ice that he keeps his soul hidden behind.  
  
"Because we are very much alike, Severus Snape, and you're a fool if you do not notice that."  
  
"Then call me a fool!" he retorts acidly. "In what way would that be?"  
  
Still keeping his distance.  
  
"We both know how it is to be bullied at school. We both know what it's like to be very, very lonely. We have both thought at least once 'I don't need them. I don't need anyone.' And I do think that we both are cursed with the same hopeless hair." I allow myself a sour smile. "And what more... Oh, yes, both our fathers are rapists."  
  
He goes completely white, even his lips, and I can actually SEE how he trembles from thee shock. "How... did you... know...?" He stutters, staring at me as if was I a ghost.  
  
"The bruises. No make-up in the world can hide those. And did you know that your mother's limping" I ask, almost casually. "A special kind of limp, the kind that you get when you're trying to walk without involving your hips in the whole business. The kind of limp you get after being raped."  
  
He glares. "How would you know?"  
  
"Because I used to limp like that" I hiss, leaning forward. "I know the pain that your mother suffers. I know how much it hurts, how you can't even go to the bloody bathroom without almost fainting from the pain, how you try to hide it, how ashamed you are, and how often you wash your hands... You hear that often, don't you? How she can go up in the middle of the night just to wash her hands, wash away the self-deprecation that constantly gnaws at her."  
  
I fight against the tears, and he can see it. Good.  
  
He looks at me for a long time, meeting my gaze and holding it fast. When he then speaks, he does so very slowly, as if weighing each word. "If you then know how it is to be bullied, how come you associate with bullies yourself?"  
  
I sigh. "You know how it is to hate your life, to believe that everyone detests you, and so do I. And then I run into people who seem to like me, who care, who would do anything for me. Do you know what that's like? No, you don't. But that I know, and I know that I would give my life for those people who gave it back to me. Without them, I would be just like you, bitter, angry and, beyond all things, despairing. They gave me hope. For that I owe them a lot, to say the least. And then I can actually take Sirius and James acting like jerks sometimes."  
  
His mouth curls. "Sometimes?"  
  
"Yes, sometimes!" I flare, getting tired of this game. "You act horribly sometimes, yet you aren't a through-and-through creep. I act badly sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm all bad. The same goes for all my friends. Sirius and James may be very immature at times, Remus doesn't dare tell them to stop, Peter has got as much a spine as an amoeba, but none of them are real arseholes. Very few people are, though I am not going to defend either of our fathers."  
  
A grim smile. "No. They don't deserve it."  
  
"I can't ignore you, Severus, can't ignore that I see a big piece of me every time I look into your eyes. And the point is this: I accepted for friends a bunch of guys that sometimes can act like that kind of people that I've hated all my life. Would you do the same?" It's a simple question, yet everything hangs on it. I smile wryly, and stretch out my hand to him.  
  
And very, almost painfully, slowly, he grasps it.  
  
It is of course now that Julie finally has to come back. She gives us a very interested look and put down our cups and plates. I at first thought that Severus was going to snatch his hand very quickly out of mine, but he holds his ground. And I understand. Nothing would make Julie Snape so happy as to believe that her son had a girlfriend. And Severus Snape does anything to keep his mother happy.  
  
I am starting to really admire this guy.  
  
"I'm sorry that it took so long a time" Julie exclaims breathlessly, and gives her son a look that clearly says "...although you do not seem to mind." I feel so much sympathy for this woman. She has showed me that I'm not alone. I am ever thankful.  
  
"I asked them to warm our pies bit, and it took longer than I expected." she continues.  
  
Warmed? Burned, rather. But I eat to keep Julie happy, as does Severus. And we talk, and we laugh, and I'm feeling strangely at home. I'm doing what is right.  
  
Yet, as I an hour later hurry back to Madame Malkin's, there is one thought that just leaves me no rest, ashamed as I am to say it;  
  
"What if Sirius ever finds out?"  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
When I finally arrive at the restaurant with my new set of robes, everybody is already there, including – to my great surprise – Remus and his parents.  
  
"You're late" James points out. "She's ten past twelve already."  
  
"The sewing-machine was broken" I explain "so it took a little longer. Quite nice, since that gave me some time to roam this place a bit."  
  
"Indeed. And what did you do then?" Remus asks good-naturedly. I notice he's a bit pale, and he's got some new scars in his face and on his arms. Full moon the day before yesterday. Christmas Eve. Life's not fair.  
  
"Oh, you know, knocking about Knockturn Alley and such..."  
  
Mr. Potter goes pale, and Sirius look like he's about t faint. "Alex..."  
  
I roll my eyes. "Oh, for the love of all that is holy, do you really think I'm that stupid? Of course I wasn't hanging around there. I happened to turn down the alley going there, but I turned around as soon as I realized what kind of place it was." The lie burns at my tongue, and I really feel awful. Yet, what should I say? "Oh, I had a bit of coffee at a café at Knockturn Alley with your arch-enemy Severus Snape, and pretended to be his girlfriend to keep his mother happy"?  
  
Hardly likely.  
  
Then I turn to Remus's parents- Nervous, nervous, nervous, why am I so bloody nervous? "Hello there. We haven't met before. I'm Alexita." I reach out my hand, and they both shake it.  
  
"A pleasure to meet you, Alexita. We've heard so much about you." Mrs. Lupin says. She seems quite nervous, she too, and seems to have aged a bit in pre-time. I can understand that very well.  
  
I relax a bit, daring a jest. I put my hand against my forehead, faking a deep sigh. "What kind of lies have you heard about me?"  
  
Remus laughs, and his parents smile. "None, I hope" Mr. Lupin says in a rich baritone. He's probably a very good singer. He's also aged before his years, I notice. "We do not think our son a liar. Of course" he ads, with a twinkle in his eye "if he was one, it could be very possible that he told us that he wasn't, and lied. That's the tricky thing about liars."  
  
I laugh at that. "Yes. But I have to agree with you: Your son most definitely isn't a liar. He can't even keep a secret from his friends for a very long time."  
  
I meet their eyes, smiling softly. They seem a bit shocked at me knowing about their sons' big secret, but they recover quickly.  
  
"And you seem like a bright and loyal young girt, which is exactly how Remus described you" Mrs. Lupin points out.  
  
"Hopefully" Mr. Lupin ads "you will be able to help my son to keep an eye on these nutcases." He ruffles James's and Sirius's hair. Of course, with James, you can't really see difference, since he keeps doing that himself all the time, but Sirius gives an angry yelp at having his carefully done hair messed up. I shake my head and smile, meeting Remus's eye.  
  
"Oh, I think I will. Friendship can tame the wildest beast."  
  
And Remus smiles back.  
  
Being around Sirius and James is like waking up from a quiet dream. There are light-years between their constant yelling, laughing, howling, fighting and general wildness, and Severus's quiet voice. Yet the contrast is some way soothing. It brings me in balance. I can get too much of quietness as well as anyone. It's like my friends complete me, bringing out all those parts of me that I need so desperately to live out. With Emily, I can giggle and whisper and just simply be an eleven year old girl; With Lily I can be earnest and discuss, knowing she won't laugh at me, that she will treat me like an equal; With the boys I can laugh and play and live and do all those things that I have been missing for so long. And with Severus, I can drop all layers of protection that I inevitably wrap myself in around others, be the quiet, sharp, and yet sensitive soul that I am in the darkest depths of my heart.  
  
They are all important to me, each in their own way.  
  
One day, I will have to try to explain it to some of them, the ones that won't understand at first.  
  
Severus, at least, understands so much as not to crave of me to do this just yet. We have sworn not to tell anyone of our very forbidden friendship.  
  
Eat your hearts out, Romeo and Juliet.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The hustle and bustle at King's cross makes me feel very small. I keep close to Remus, since he's much taller than me, and everybody makes way for him. I might've done the same with Sirius and James, but the second seems only interested in finding Lily in the crowd, and the first is so swarmed about by girls that he almost drowns. I smile wryly at Sirius's almost panicked face when he's attacked by Anna Mignon.  
  
I smile less when he makes a leap and hides behind my back.  
  
If gazes could kill, I'd be ready for the grave. Anna doesn't look kindly upon those who gets in the way of her little romances.  
  
"Padfoot! This is way to get me killed, you know!"  
  
"What?" His eyes widen with incomprehension.  
  
"Her" I jerk my finger at Anna. "She will gather all the Sirius Black Fanclub and brutally murder on the charge of eventually being your girlfriend."  
  
"G...girlfriend?" Sirius looks as if I had knocked him over the head.  
  
"It's she who thinks so, not me" I mutter sourly.  
  
Sirius stares at me for some seconds, then break down laughing. I shake my head.  
  
"You laugh. Wait until you find me with a knife in my back, then you try to laugh!" Which of course makes him laugh even harder.  
  
Annoying bastard.  
  
I kick him, and then promptly turn my back to him, trying to find Peter. Finally, Remus is the one who manages to save him from the corner where he has been hiding from some guy named Lucius, apparently trying to kill him for stepping on his owl.  
  
Dear...  
  
Then I'm suddenly caught up by the crowd, and I'm brutally swept away from my friends. Damn me being so small! Damn people never seeming to notice me! Unable to find anyone I know, I decide to make my way to the platform. After all, I will hardly be able to miss them at the train.  
  
I have just spotted the sign saying "Platform 9" when someone taps me lightly at the shoulder. I turn around, finding Severus looking like depression personified. "Severus! What's the matter?" And then, as a horrible suspicion creeps over me: "Where's your mother?"  
  
"She wasn't able to come" his voice is cold and flat, one might say emotionless, if it wouldn't be for the helpless, pleasing gaze he gives me.  
  
"Unconscious?"  
  
"She... can't get up."  
  
I nod, trying to give him all my sympathy in one gaze. Words would be of no use here. They're too blunt, cannot describe all the nuances in neither my nor his emotions right now. So we just stand there, in mute understanding.  
  
"Is Snivellus bothering you, Wing?"  
  
Sirius! His voice cuts through the mood, leaving us without words for quite some time. I know he uses my nickname to mark for Severus that he is an outsider, that he doesn't belong in the vicinity of us, and he better get out, or else...  
  
I give Severus a quick gaze, pleading forgiveness for what I am about to say. "Get out of it, Padfoot; I can manage very well by myself, thank you. And you!" I turn to Severus, eyes narrowing, my voice crisp and cold. "Get AWAY from me, you useless, hook-nosed nitwit. Your rancid odeur is making me nauseous. Go on. Go take a shower or something. You need it."  
  
I can see how he smiles slightly for a second, then his expression hardens into a perfect imitation of anger and disgust. "Should come from the right person, alright. I'll leave. The mere nearness to such appealing stupidity makes me sick. Adieu."  
  
He bows mockingly, then leaves. Sirius scowls after him. "You should've let me give him a good beating, Al" he complains.  
  
"Yeah. And what would that look like to him, you think? Like I can't make it on my own, like I always run for you when things get unpleasant, that's what it would look like! Let me fight my own battles, Padfoot."  
  
He looks impressed. "Wow, Alex" he says, whistling "you think like a boy!"  
  
I give him a look of utter disgust. "I sincerely hope not. Now let's get moving; they're probably waiting for us already."  
  
He does not notice me sighing quietly to myself, as we pass through the gate to platform 9 ¾. It's getting harder and harder to lie. It's like the lie grows, becoming heavier and heavier. And the more the lie grows, the more painful is it going to get, when I finally crack. When it finally collapses in on itself.  
  
I catch Severus's eye through the crowd, and he smiles bleakly.  
  
Will I even be able to see him during this term?  
  
I look up at the frame of the boy walking before me. If he knew the pain he is causing me... If he knew why...  
  
Oh, Sirius...  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"Today we are going to deal with a bogart found here on the castle... Can anyone tell me what a bogart is?"  
  
Not me. I make myself as small as possible, listening absent-mindedly to Amos Diggory explaining what a bogart is, gaining five points for Gryffindor.  
  
Bla, bla, schmachedibla...  
  
Bored. I pick up the essential parts, the spell defeating the thing, and so on and forth, but I can't really feel interested. I just follow everybody else when we head out of the castle, en route to the quidditch pitch.  
  
We stop before the broom cupboard, and professor Egelia starts droning again. Bla bla and who can tall what bla bla five points to Ravenclaw bla bla...  
  
The Gryffindor Quidditch team is practicing. I see James waving, and wave back. Someone shouts from the audience. I smile wryly at Sirius, trying both to watch to practice and wave to me, and Remus, probably telling him to SIT DOWN or he will fall off. Peter just watches them anxiously.  
  
How very typical for them.  
  
"Miss Neidorsdaughter? Are you listening?"  
  
I look up, meeting the annoyed gaze of my teacher. "Not as much as I'm supposed to. I was a little... distracted."  
  
"Well, you can admire boys later, miss, now..."  
  
"Admire, professor? What is there to admire?"  
  
Giggles. Anna looks like she wants to turn me inside out, hang me from a thorn bush and wait for vultures to start tearing at my intestines. Professor Egelia seems to have problems deciding weather the corners of her mouth should go up or down.  
  
"Well, that depends on the boy. Anyway, would you kindly be the first to try defeating the bogart, miss?"  
  
I am about to nod, when the realization reaches me. The thing I fear the most. I clear my throat.  
  
"I don't think that will be such a great idea, professor."  
  
"Now, come, miss Neidorsdaughter. I am sure you're up to it."  
  
"No, professor really..."  
  
"She's scared" Anna says in a theatre whisper.  
  
I'm really too proud for my own good.  
  
I step forth, drawing my wand.  
  
"Now remember, laughter is the only thing that really can defeat a bogart." Egelia smiles cheerfully.  
  
Bloody easy for her to say.  
  
She opens the door, and I raise my wand.  
  
"Rid..."  
  
And all my body-fluids go to ice, the earth dissolves underneath my feet, I feel nothing in my hand, nothing around me, nothing...  
  
I can't do this.  
  
"Come now honey, after all it must be my right... Only doing this because I love you so much... My beautiful little girl..."  
  
My throat is so parched, that my cry of "Daddy, no!" gets stuck, comes out only as a helpless croak.  
  
Ritch.  
  
There goes my shirt.  
  
And then I'm pushed away, landing face against ground. I turn around, and for two seconds, I see Mrs. Black standing at the pitch, before she is turned into a house elf by Sirius sharp "Ridiculus!"  
  
The next moment, Remus pushes the bogart into the cupboard, now in the shape of a full moon.  
  
The supreme saviours.  
  
James lands before my feet, kneeling at my side. "Alex? Oh, please Alex, tell me you're alright, I saw it all from up there, I..."  
  
"No. I'm not alright." I am trembling, and I can feel how my eyes start to burn. "James, please get me out of here before I start to cry. I... don't want them to see."  
  
James nods, standing up. "Remus, Sirius, Pete, take Alex away from here. I'll speak to the professor." He suddenly seems more grown up. James does like that sometimes. Just sheds that irresponsible teenage-boy shell and becomes someone more understanding, more caring.  
  
Remus helps me up, and I stagger away from the scene. I get as far as an abandoned changing-room, before my knees fail me, buckling. Sirius catches me in the fall, seating me at a bench. And the next moment, I'm in his arms, crying my bloody eyes out. I feel a hand at my shoulder, hear Peter making a sympathetic noise, hear the door slam as James enters, and I think: "This is never going to leave me, this is always going to be there, luring at the back of my mind. I will never be free from it. This is the nightmare that I am going to be waking up screaming from forty years from now, this is what I am going to be unreasonably scared of even when I'm old and senile. This is my fear, and it won't go away. Ever."  
  
"It's alright, we're here for you. You will never have to go back there, you're safe Al, perfectly safe..."  
  
"Sirius?" My voice becomes sort of muffled against his shirt.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What have I said about you calling me Al?"  
  
He leans back, laughing, wiping tears from my face. "Nothing that you won't have to say again at least once, Al."  
  
And of course, I have to hit him.  
  
It's all a matter of principles.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
James wraps me in his cloak, and we leave the changing room, heading back for my class. We watch silently as the bogart finally screws up, turning itself into a dead spider, and explodes with a sharp crack.  
  
Afterwards, professor Egelia comes forward, putting a hand at my shoulder. "I am so sorry miss" she says, shaking her head. "I shouldn't have forced you."  
  
"You didn't force me professor, and you know it. I forced myself. Thought I would be able to face it. Didn't want to show myself weak."  
  
"Well... I guess it's lucky your friends were here for you. Mr. Black... Well, for once you actually WON some points for Gryffindor." She smiles, a tad sourly, and I laugh shakily.  
  
"Who was that man, Alexita?" Anna's voice seems to be cutting through my mere flesh. I turn around to meet her gaze. That blue eyed gaze nailing me against the wall, framed by pink eye shadow and a face unnaturally brown from at least a bucket full of creams and powders. The blond hair fastened in a perfect hairdo by a myriad of baby-blue hairpins. Her expression accusing, like I've done something horribly wrong. And in her world I have. In her world, there's death-sentence for dragging attention away from her, especially the attention of cute boys. In her world, I am worse than a mass- murderer.  
  
Egelia is about to say something, but suddenly I'm so angry that I barely know what to do with myself.  
  
"It was my father Anna. That's my fear. My father. He's been raping me, you see."  
  
I don't shout; in fact, my voice is nothing but a whisper, yet I could very well have howled it by megaphone all over the pitch, judging from the effect by it. As one, my classmates turn to stare at me.  
  
"Eugh. That's so disgusting." Anna makes a face.  
  
Something evidently snaps inside Sirius at this. "Oh, so you think she liked it, do you? 'Come on, father, take me one more time, will you?' Why do you think she's so scared of it? Do you think she had any choice, huh? How stupid can one bitch get?"  
  
"But Sirius..." Anna whines.  
  
"Don't you 'But Sirius' me! I don't even know you! Just do me a favour and jump from a bridge or something."  
  
Ha! I know I shouldn't be happy about this – Anna will never forgive me, and she can be dead scary when she wants to – but I allow myself a moment of glee. Actually, it's not for my own sake. I'm angry with Anna on Sirius's behalf. She treats him like a bloody THING. An object. Sure girl, if you want to objectify yourself, go ahead. I'm not going to stop you. But stay the HELL away from my friends.  
  
Then I come back to my senses. I don't want t make any more enemies than necessary...  
  
"Sirius..." I touch his arm lightly. He abruptly starts from his rage.  
  
"I'm sorry, Alex... Don't know what got into me..."  
  
"You lost your temper. Very understandable, if not that wise. It's alright. Let's just leave, okay?"  
  
But Anna's had enough. "You think you're so big, don't you? When all the boys come to save you from that perfectly revolting bogart? You think you're so grown up to come from a horrible family and then just sneak your way into this gang of elder boys, who only really lets you be with them because they feel SORRY for you?"  
  
Sirius goes perfectly livid, James looks like he just got the quaffle to his head, Remus opens his mouth and Peter backs away. But I hold up my hand, gesturing for my friends to be silent, to let me speak.  
  
"You asked me if I felt big, Anna. No, I didn't. I swear, I have never felt so small, as I did today, and I continue every moment to feel small."  
  
Anna stares at me, apparently struck dumb by my honesty. I smile grimly.  
  
"But I will grow, Anna. I will grow; In fact, I grow for every moment passed. But you will stay the same way for ever. You will always be a small, narrow-minded person, since you never will abandon the conviction that the world turns on your command. I've got everything I need here, with my friends. And nothing you can say, nothing you can do, shall harm me. I might be small, I might be scared, I might be broken, but I'm ten times stronger than you. Have a nice day."  
  
And with that, I turn, leaving my classmates behind, the marauders trailing after me. From the corner of my eye, I see Emily doing thumbs-up.  
  
For a moment, I allow myself to let go of all my worries and woes, enjoying the sharp spring air and the sun warming my neck, my mute comradeship with the people walking side by side with me.  
  
For a moment, I enjoy pure happiness.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
I'm an idiot. A bloody idiot not being able to control my anger.  
  
The whole school suddenly seems perfectly abuzz with the news about my terrible childhood. Everybody seems to whisper about it, shutting up as soon as I come close. And I'm getting sick and tired of all half choked "That's so horrible" or "But isn't she a bit...you know, odd" and suchlike behind my back.  
  
I only whish to be left alone, nothing more. How hard can that get? My memories are painful enough as it is, without people poking around in them. Sirius seems ready to go off like a bomb any minute, James is almost as bad, Peter is so nervous that he jumps at even the slightest commotion, and even Remus seems severely annoyed, snapping at everyone and everything. The mood in our little group hasn't hit rock bottom as much as rock bottom hit us, and I freely admit that I'm not doing anything to improve it. I've become moody and dark-spirited during this week, speaking even less than usual. I regret it so much, letting Anna know about my father. I should've known to keep my mouth shut. I got myself stuck in this, and now I will suffer the consequences.  
  
I'm in the common room, when I once again overhear a conversation in so loud whispers that I am sure everyone in the whole room hears it.  
  
"Yes... raped by her father, that's what they say... yeah, I heard there was something about the mother too... I mean, she must've known... covered up for him..."  
  
"No wonder she's a bit... unusual. I mean, just look at her. Always like... unwashed, quite filthy actually... And so skinny, just skin and bones, so I heard from Anna, that classmate of hers... And she like, stares at everybody... scary, that's what it is..."  
  
"You have to feel sorry for her... I mean... hardly her fault if she's got... problems."  
  
I dig my nails into my flesh.  
  
Sirius is basically shaking with fury, and it takes both James and Peter to keep him from jumping up. Remus seems about to say something to the two girls, when another voice breaks in.  
  
"WILL you give her a break? Do you think you're making it easier, sitting here gossiping so that everyone can hear. Do you think she wants to be looked at as a mentally unstable VICTIM?" Lily puts her hands at her sides, burying her emerald gaze into the two. "Whatever has happened to her is her own business, and since you two obviously don't know her, you shouldn't make any conclusions about her from what you hear. Who do you think spreads those rumours anyway? Hardly her friends. Her friends let her be, and so should you. Go on. Find something better to do, will you?"  
  
The girls look ashamed. Lily is very popular and much respected, always treating everybody well and looking out for everyone in need. "We're sorry." they murmur, eyes glued at their feet.  
  
A teacher might've said "Don't tell me, tell her!" now. But Lily just nods. She's wise enough to know that I rather stay out of attention as much as possible right now. She turns around, giving everybody in the room a steady gaze saying "I hope you were all listening" and then head for her dormitory. When she passes me, I feel her hand at my shoulder for two seconds, squeezing it lightly. And she's gone.  
  
I've got a powerful ally in Lily Evans, so much is clear. And as soon as he deflates his head a bit, getting rid of the irresponsible teenage brat once and for all, James might have a chance to get a wonderful girlfriend. Sirius looks a bit sulky over not being allowed to yell at the girls, but forgets it the next moment for the joy of teasing James over the wistful glances that he threw after Lily.  
  
"Like a puppy begging for a bone" as he puts it.  
  
James peevishly tells him that he, of all, shouldn't be talking about dogs. That shuts him up.  
  
For a good ten seconds.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
I am gliding down a stream in one of those magical rowing-boats that I went by on my first trip to Hogwarts. I'm in a tunnel, and around me, caves open about every tenth meter. In one cave, Emily is levitating, waving at me.  
  
"Try not to concentrate" she advices me, and her voice is close, as if she sat right by me in the boat. "That's the secret. It becomes much easier if you just let go..."  
  
And she's gone. In the next cave, I see father hugging me as a six-year- old.  
  
"My little girl."  
  
And mother stands close by, eyes narrowing in hatred.  
  
And I want to snatch that smiling kid out of his arms, hold her and protect her. Give her a full life. But I can't leave the boat, and the next moment, the girl is ten years old, lying crying in her bed.  
  
And then she's gone too.  
  
And there's Rebecca and Amanda at a party. I see Rebecca staggering of to the bathroom, I see Amanda holding back her hair as she throws up. And then Amanda is standing in a closet with a boy, fumbling with her clothes. And I know she doesn't want this, but I know she has no choice. She's got a reputation to protect.  
  
And I'm on my way again.  
  
And there's Mrs Black, talking to her husband of that charming young girl Sirius has met. Of very pure blood. And then she turns around and meets my gaze, and I'm so scared, for I know that my secret is visible somewhere in my eyes.  
  
And she's gone.  
  
Peter, much older now, talking to someone that I can't quite distinguish. The shadows are too deep. All I can see is a pair of very red eyes shining from the darkness. Peter is crying, clutching something around his neck. The necklace from Sirius...  
  
And then there's darkness again.  
  
Remus as a werewolf, biting and clawing at himself.  
  
Anna with some guy, his hands all over him.  
  
Alice Norton and Frank Longbottom, much older, both staring blankly at a wall. Their eyes are empty.  
  
Lily and James, kissing.  
  
And then the boat stops. At each side of me, there are caves, one full of blinding light, the other one almost pitch black.  
  
"Alexita. Let me help you."  
  
"Severus?" I try to find him, a shadow against the shadows.  
  
"The boat is soon going to sink, Alex. You cannot stay! Come with me!"  
  
And then, a new voice.  
  
"Wing? Is it you there? What are you doing with him? Stay in the boat, Al, I'm coming." I can hear how Sirius tries to make his way to me, but I cannot see him. There is too much light, it hurts my eyes.  
  
"You mustn't listen to him, Alex! Leave now, before it's to late! Here! Take my hand."  
  
I can barely see it. The boat wobbles precautiously.  
  
"Alex, no! Don't go to him! He's not to trust, he is trying to trick you!"  
  
"Alexita! Mother's waiting. Don't keep her waiting, Alex. HE might come. You know of who I speak, damn it!"  
  
"Al! What is he talking about? How does he know you? Alex? Is there anything you haven't told us? Have you LIED, Alex?"  
  
"You have to take my hand!"  
  
The boat is taking in water now. I look for the hole, but find nothing. The water comes out of nowhere, hot and suffocating.  
  
"Remember who you are, Alex? You are a marauder! You can't fail us!"  
  
"You told me you were going to be my friend! Don't fail me. Don't fail mother. Alex, please!"  
  
The boat dissolves underneath my feet. I hear Sirius crying out for me.  
  
"Alex! You promised never to do that again! Never to jump again! Should've transformed before..."  
  
I make a grab for Severus's hand. And miss. The water swallows me, and now it's so cold that my muscles cramp, it fills my mouth, I spit, I can't breath, I cough and I...  
  
Wake up.  
  
"Happy birthday!"  
  
I stare wildly, blinking the water out of my eyes. There's Remus, leaning over me with a slight smile, James, laughing so hard that he barely can stand, Peter, in the same state, Emily jumping up and down, Alice, holding a cake, Lily, shaking her head... Sirius, holding a bucket...  
  
With a wild cry, I'm out of bed, tackling him to the floor, tickling him and hitting him wherever I can reach. "I...am...going...to...kill...you!" I pant, mostly from the effort of keeping his hands nailed against the floor.  
  
Sirius just laughs helplessly, staring up at me. "No...you won't... You... like me...too much!" With a last effort, he pushes me off, and in the next moment, I'm the one staring up at him. "Giving up?" He wonders gleefully, nose to nose with me, grinning all over his face. Which gives me a chance to bite him. Really hard.  
  
"Ow!" He falls backwards, clutching his lip. I rise up, staring down at him.  
  
"I won" I tell him. By this time, Peter, James and Emily all lay sprawled at the floor, clutching their stomachs. Remus is leaning against the bedpost, laughing helplessly. Alice and Lily both smiles broadly, shaking their heads and exchanging glances. Sirius stares at me dumbly for two seconds, then he starts laughing as well, massaging his bleeding lip.  
  
"I'm not going to be able to kiss a girl for several weeks" he tells me. "My lip will look like a ham."  
  
"My heart is bleeding for you" I laugh, helping him to his feet.  
  
Lily gives us a gaze that speaks volumes. "Sirius, wouldn't this be a time to ask Alexita's apology and give her the presents?"  
  
Sirius goggles. "Apology? That would take half the fun out of it, Lils!"  
  
I sigh. "We can't expect him to act like a civilized person, Lily. But I wouldn't say no to those presents." Lily smiles and hands them over, and we all settle down on my bed, except Sirius, since I push him off. "Bad dog! Sit!"  
  
He smiles his well-paid-supermodel smile, standing up, nonchalantly leaning against a bedpost. Sigh.  
  
I get about a ton of candy from Lily, Alice and Emily, bough down at Hogsmeade, probably. Then the marauders hand over their present. It's quite small, about the size of one and a half hand, oval and flat.  
  
I open it, and find a small painting of us five in exquisite detail.  
  
"Sent in photography of us to a company who makes these." James explains. "Dead expensive, so don't you lose it."  
  
I regard the picture in silence. Sirius and Alex at the picture seem on the verge of a full-scale fight. Remus is reading a book with his fingers in his ears, and James is showing off in front of Peter with that annoying snitch that he always seems to be carrying in his pocket. The upper half of the frame says "The Marauders" in large gold letters, and the lower half has the message "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" engraved in it.  
  
I don't say anything, just hug them all four.  
  
"And... oh yeah, there was this one as well." Sirius throws me a small package. I catch it, reading the attached card.  
  
"Happy birthday.  
  
Best wishes from  
  
Romeo  
  
PS. Mother sends her congratulations. DS."  
  
That guy's got the weirdest sense of humour I ever...  
  
I tear of the wrapping, revealing a thin bracelet made of one piece of white gold, adorned by an opal the size of my forefinger nail.  
  
"You know who it's from?" Lily asks, eyebrows raised.  
  
"No" I lie, slipping the circlet on. I am so going to get Severus for this.  
  
"A secret admirer, Al?" Sirius teases, giving me a shove.  
  
"Funny admirer, in that case" Remus notes dryly. "How many secret admirers ads a congratulation from his mother? That sort of requires for Alex to know who the mother in question is." Damn Remus for being so clever!  
  
"Yeah, you're right. Are you sure you have no idea?" James inquires curiously.  
  
"Absolutely none. Must be someone half mad, or something" I answer, thinking sourly that this actually is quite accurate. As I said, I am going to get him for this.  
  
But since Sirius never lets go of a thought once he gets it, I have to stand him singing silly songs about Alex and Romeo kissing all day. If he only knew...  
  
A fine irony of fate this is. I have a feeling that someone up there dislikes me.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"Severus."  
  
He looks up from the thick book he's reading, and smiles slightly at the sight of me. "Alex. I take it that they found my gift."  
  
"Sirius did. And damned be you for it!"  
  
"Not exactly the response I waited for, no."  
  
I sigh deeply. "I guess I should be angry with Sirius more than you, but I suspect that it was your twisted sense of humour that triggered him."  
  
His eyebrows almost seem to connect with his hair. "Indeed?"  
  
"He has been singing silly love songs about Alex and Romeo all day. I think I will go wild if I hear more of the blasted noise. Sounds like someone swinging a cat around in its tail." I slump down at a chair opposite of him. I keep my copy of the Marauders Map in my lap, just in case. If any of the other marauders come near the library, I will know. But I will probably only have to worry about Remus, since he is the only one frequently visiting the library.  
  
Severus actually goes quite red by my words. I shake my head in mock surprise.  
  
"Blushing, Sev? Didn't think you could."  
  
"Even I suffer from normal body functions, I am afraid. And don't call me Sev, or I'll swear I'll start calling you Al!"  
  
I groan. "Not you too!"  
  
He smiles wryly, but there is no malice in that smile. It's genuine, full of warmth under the sardonic surface. I laugh softly.  
  
"But thanks for the gift. It was beautiful." I twist the golden circlet around my arm. Doing so, I notice there's something written on it. "What does it say?" I ask, brushing my finger along the slightly grooved surface.  
  
"'Verae amicitiae sempiternae sunt'" Severus mumbles, meeting my gaze.  
  
"Latin?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What does it mean?"  
  
He turns his head away, staring steadfastly at his own hands. "'A true friendship is forever'. I found it at an old shop selling antiquity. Thought it... fitted. Hoped it did." His tone of voice is almost aggressive, as if expecting me to laugh or snort.  
  
"It does." I mumble, reaching out and lightly touching his hand.  
  
He does not look up. "There is one thing... It's magical."  
  
"How?"  
  
"It... won't come off."  
  
"Won't come off?"  
  
"Not until one of us fails the other. The owner of the shop told me."  
  
I thug lightly at the bracelet, and find his words to be true. It doesn't seem to get smaller, yet, at first it seemed certain that it would come off, and the next moment, it was just as obvious that it was too tight to budge.  
  
"I'm sorry. Should've told you before."  
  
"It's okay. It is absolutely wonderful, so what does it matter if it never comes off?"  
  
It takes some moments before he realizes what I've just said. Then he smiles gratefully, though he still refrains from meeting my gaze.  
  
A dot at the Marauders Map tells me that Lily Evans has just entered the library. She heads in our direction, but as soon as she gets close enough to see us, the dot stops abruptly, slipping in behind a bookshelf.  
  
I smile, turning my eyes towards the shelf, finding her and meeting the puzzled gaze from those almond-shaped green eyes. I wave to her ever so slightly with my left hand, under the table, so that Severus won't see.  
  
"Oh, I almost forgot..." Severus looks up. "Mother very much wanted to invite you in for some days during the summer vacation. Do you think you can come?" I do not fail to notice is pleading expression.  
  
"Oh, I think I can fool Jenny that I'm going to some very distant relation or something."  
  
"Jenny?"  
  
"Potter. She will want to know where I am. After all, I'm their responsibility now."  
  
"Yes, of course. Well, I..."  
  
I suddenly notice two dots reading "Sirius Black" and "Remus Lupin" moving very hastily in the direction of the library. "Shit!" I get to my feet, stuffing the map inside my pocket.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sirius and Remus. I have to go. I'm sorry. Bye." I grab his hand for two seconds. It's cold. I squeeze it gently, then hasten down the corridor, diving in behind the shelf where I know Lily's hiding.  
  
"Lily! Help me. Remus and Sirius are coming. I have to have some kind of a reason for being here."  
  
Lily eyes narrows a bit in disapproval. "You're hiding this from them."  
  
I groan inwardly. "I shall explain later, okay? Please Lily?"  
  
She meets my pleading gaze for half a second. "Okay, I'll come."  
  
We head together for the doorway, almost colliding with Sirius and Remus there.  
  
"Lily? Alex? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Trying to find a calm spot" Lily shrugs.  
  
"Trying to avoid the assorted morons you find anywhere. But alas, not even the library is safe, it seems." I give Sirius a stinging glare.  
  
"I am afraid it is all my fault" Remus says with mock regret. "I wanted Sirius to help me look up a thing in a book."  
  
"You're forgiven" Lily tells him very seriously.  
  
"Yeah, everybody's got their weak moments" I nod sagely.  
  
"Is everybody against me?" Sirius asks, flinging out his arms.  
  
I, Lily and Remus look at each other for a split second, then, grinning broadly, we tell him as one: "Yes!"  
  
Sirius lets hear a theatralic sigh. "Why are geniuses always met with misunderstanding alone during their lifetime?"  
  
I snort. "If that would be the case – something I don't only doubt, but find plain ridiculous – be content with the thought that we will all love you to madness, as soon as you have the good taste to die."  
  
At that, someone bumps straight into my back. I spin, to find Severus glaring at me.  
  
"Get of me, you filth" I hiss, backing away.  
  
"I beg your apology, and assure you that it was purely coincidental. I would rather die than touch you by purpose."  
  
"Oh, please do. Die, that is."  
  
He gives me a reproachful look, and leave. I am on the verge on breaking down laughing. Am I the only one who noticed the amused glint in Severus's eyes?  
  
Judging from Lily's raised eyebrows: No, I'm not.  
  
Sirius gives me an admiring look. "You pulled that of fantastically. Sharp as a razor, as always."  
  
"Blunt as a potato, as always" I retort. "Come now, Lily."  
  
And we glide away, leaving a laughing Remus and a spluttering Sirius behind.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"I cannot tell them now, Lily, that's the simple truth. They are not ready to handle this just yet. I would loose them. And I am not ready to handle THAT."  
  
"And Severus then?"  
  
"He respects it. Keeps up the act. It's a game of ours." I make a sour grimace.  
  
"So he's your friend now?"  
  
I touch the bracelet softly, tracing the spidery letters engraved in the smooth surface with my fingers. "Obviously."  
  
Lily tilts her head in that adorable fashion that only she can manage. "So he's the mysterious Romeo."  
  
"'Oh, what's in a name?'" I quote wryly. "Yes. He is. You sort of have to admit it fits. Sirius can take the role of the cousin, for example."  
  
"That Romeo kills? Hopefully not. More rather Julia's husband-to-be."  
  
I laugh curtly. "Picture me marrying Sirius, Lily. Our house wouldn't last for a day, none of our families would be present at the ceremony, we would be fighting before the priest had finished talking, and to think about the poor, poor child... Or even worse: The wedding night." I shake my head with a shudder. "'Apocalypse' is the expression that strikes me as most fitting."  
  
"Well, Julia wasn't to happy about it either, was she?" Lily teases.  
  
I throw a pillow at her.  
  
"Fine. Then you shall be the nanny."  
  
I get the pillow back. In the back of my head.  
  
"What about the 'Mother sends her congratulations'-part?"  
  
I sigh. "Julie Snape. Have you ever seen her?"  
  
"Only for a short moment. Thin woman, strongly make-upped, nervous."  
  
"The make-up, Lily. It's not there because of mere vanity. It's to hide all the bruises. Did you by the way notice how she walked?"  
  
Lily bites her lip, trying to remember. "Stiffly, I think. Like her hips were hurting really badl..." Her eyes widen in shock. "Oh. Oh dear. Oh d e a r."  
  
"Exactly. I met them at Knockturn alley."  
  
"Alex! What were you doing there?!"  
  
"Exploring." I shrug my shoulders. "It's quite an intriguing place, actually."  
  
"I don't think THAT would really be my choice of words..." Lily mutters. "So what happened?"  
  
"I explained a few things to Severus. Got to know both him and his mother a little better. I could only stay for an hour, though. Had to get my clothes and meet up with the others. And since then... We've only been able to talk to each other for some minutes at the time. There always seems to be someone – mostly Sirius – turning up when we least expect it. There have been some really close ones, I have to admit, but we've always been able to make it look like we're fighting, so far. I even smacked him once. He did not really appreciate THAT much improvisation, so much I can tell you."  
  
Lily shakes her head. "I just can't figure out really what to make of you, Alexita. Every time I think I know you, you always slide right out of my grasp. You're my friend, but I still can't understand you."  
  
"Lily... I can't understand me. Sometimes, I think that I've got it right, but so far, I've always been proved wrong. I do not think anyone fully knows themselves. We are constantly lying to ourselves, claiming to know what we would do in every given situation. But we don't, Lily. It's only when we suffer from something ourselves that we can fully understand. We continue to fool ourselves, just like we do when it comes to other people sometimes. If anyone asked Sirius if he knew me, he would answer "Yes" without any doubt. Yet, look at how much I've kept hidden for him. Can you claim that he knows me fully? No. And as I keep lying to myself, how can I ever know or understand what I am?"  
  
I stare out the window, fixing my gaze at a cloud drifting past. It's got the shape of a dog's head. Padfoot...  
  
Uhm, am I feeling so guilty that I am starting to see things now? Well, apparently, I am. I bite my lip, somewhat enjoying the sharp taste of blood filling my mouth. It makes me feel more real. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I am not really present, that I'm only watching this from a great distance. Regarding, pondering, never touching. The feeling gets so strong sometimes, that I almost scare myself.  
  
Then being around the marauders usually helps me out of it. They can always make you feel so much alive, that you almost start to whish that you weren't. I smile softly, my right hand clutching at the miniature falcon around my neck.  
  
My right hand... The same hand that the bracelet hangs from...  
  
I snap back into reality, pulling my gaze away from the window to meet Lily's.  
  
"I am waiting, Lily. Just waiting. Some moment will be the right one, I hope. One moment... But it is not today, that much I can tell you now. Just wait and see, Lily. You will notice when the time comes. It will probably set off one of the largest quantities of emotional explosives ever on this school since the days of the founders. Just you wait." I smile wryly, shaking my head. "I know I shall. I shall wait. And I shall pray for good luck. I'll need it." 


	5. Spreading my wings

Chapter five Spreading my wings (My old aunt...)  
  
And so hours turns into days, days turns into weeks, and the weeks turns into months, and all of them passes swiftly through my finger, as is the habit of hours, days, weeks and months. They leave no other trace than fragments of memory, perhaps a few worry-lines, and all-too-many burn marks after the fire-crackers uses for a prank that went a bit out of hand. (Damned be Sirius.) The hide-and-seek game of mine and Severus's continues, growing harder and harder, it seems, for every day passed. Yet, we're getting used to it. Maybe we don't know anymore what our friendship would be if we did not hide it. Maybe we don't know what we would be if we didn't always carry masks. A lie grows. And under it, the person carrying it shrinks, is obliviated by falseness. Therefore, it is lucky that I grow so much together with Severus. Status quo. Nothing lost, nothing won. I go to my lessons, I fool around with the marauders, I talk with Lily, I laugh with Emily, and for some stolen moments, I get the chance to BE together with Severus. And I feel safe. And I am scared. And everything's okay. And it's obvious that it isn't. And I really don't know anymore. Through my lessons, I gain more and more access to the wizarding-world, to the magic. To power seemingly unending. And the more I get, the more I want. I do think the hat should've put me in Slytherin, yet, I am happy it didn't. It was my choice. And maybe I do fit in more in Slytherin, I don't know, but my heart – in some weird way – will always stay with Gryffindor. I belong without belonging. In my class, I am one of the gang without being "one of them". And with the marauders, I am Wing. I am a marauder, yet I am clearly distinguished from the others. I am uncontrollably happy about this. Severus doesn't understand. He cherishes the quiet, soft bitterness of loneliness, the sweetness of its everlasting pain. I need it, I accept it, I let it run through my veins as a part of me... But I can never learn to love it again. Yet, just as much as I shall always love the marauders, I shall love him as well. Thus we are undeniably connected, linked together in a breathless harmony. Chained, if you want it. I cannot leave, and neither can he. I sigh, shifting position ever so slightly, keeping my eyes glued to the flames. There is still a fire burning at the hearth, for no apparent reason it seems, since the air is already suffocatingly hot; each breath feels fluid, clogs itself in my throat so that breathing seems like something rather futile to attempt. The short, violet dress that Jenny sent me is rather unpleasantly glued to my body from the damp heat. If June is going to be like this, I don't want to see July. Anna passes by with Violet in her heals, giving me a disdainful gaze. I probably don't look all that fresh, impossible hair glued to my forehead by sweat, and I confess that it must've been a while since I took a shower. I try to avoid it. I am still scared, even though I try to ignore it. Anna doesn't like me AT ALL after Sirius yelling at her. But I wouldn't give a damn about it for all in the world. I happen to like myself. If she doesn't, that's a bummer for her. That's so to say her pain, and I will gladly let her claw her heart out in hate of me, if she really, really wants to. It's strange how things can change you. When Rebecca treated me like that, I shrunk from her gaze, staring at my feet, adopting her disdain for my and pressing its sharp edges against my heart, thirsty for inspiring any kind of feeling, good or bad, wanting someone to feel ANYTHING for me so badly that I absorbed all that they threw at me. And yet, as people tried to make contact with me, I denied this my thirst after human touch, throwing back all the hatred I nourished in my heart at they who were only trying to help. It was a call for aid; I was begging them on my bare knees for salvation for my scorched heart, for understanding that never came. Who wants to understand when someone spits at your outstretched hand, stabs you in the back when you try to shield her from the blows? I was so very vulnerable. I was so very scared. A panicked cat doesn't ask who it scratches, even if it happens to be its owner trying to drag it away from the fox. And then, as a miracle, a letter with the text "Miss Alexita Neidorsdaughter, Kingfisher Crescent 6, The Bedroom in the Basement" arrived, and became the wings I so dearly needed to fly away. And when free from the fear that was my home clutching at my soul, I think some of my defences simply melted away. I had myself, I was my own person. When coming home to wanting, taking hands and hating eyes was the only thing I had to look forward to, I did neither have my body nor my soul to myself. But when I finally eloped, I got back both, and like a bird leaving its nest, I clumsily took flight, soaring for the open skies, where no one could touch me. And thus free from much of my fear, I was able to accept the friendship offered to me by the marauders. I might have hissed and spitted and flashed my teeth and claws a bit, but it took only some minutes before I had taken them all to my heart, no longer afraid. But not to be afraid is not the same thing as courage, and it would take long before my searching fingers were able to clasp the sword that was made for them. Under a night, I risked all I ever dreamt of for love of a friend, I was reborn to a new shape, a new me, and though I was scared, I never wavered. I became a Marauder. One of those who dare. I became Wing, and the air parted to let me in. And even if I may not be strong enough to face the fear of my past, I was brave enough to reach out to another soul, touch him. And if I am not hardened enough to lose the love of my friends, I am courageous enough to love without doubt. Because I never doubted. I was so damn frightened that I almost pissed my pants, I am nervous and trembling, and sometimes even ashamed, but I would do it all over if I had the chance. This is something I've learned. Therefore I meet Anna's gaze and smile my best vampire-smile. I stare into her glossy blue eyes until her gaze must waver and drop. Ha!  
  
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In a letter I explain to Jenny that I am going to visit my old aunt, who lives a short distance outside London, the first week during the summer vacations. I furthermore ensure that I'll already have a car waiting for me, and that I will be transported to the Potter's house at the end of the week. Simple as that, no suspicions raised. Almost too easy, as a matter of fact. But there is always the more problematic part of losing the boy's at King's Cross. I decide to tell them that Dumbledore has asked someone's parent who is going the same way as I am to give me a lift. They swallow it, even Remus, even though he quirks his eyebrow a bit as if to say "More complicated than necessary, if you ask me". And then, some days later, I enter the common room with an annoyed scowl, muttering swearwords under my breath. "What is it, Wing?" James inquires, offering me a seat next to him. I bump down, sighing deeply. "You know I said that Dumbledore would make sure to offer me a lift?" "Yeah? So what?"  
  
"McGonagall told me who I was going with today." I make a sour face, kicking at a footstool. "Julie bloody Snape. Charming, eh?" Peter gives a sympathetic whistle, and Sirius looks like I would've entered the room with a sign around my neck saying "The END of the WORLD is nigh!" "No way!" he exclaims. "Yeah. I know. I will probably die from air intoxication on the way there." "But why didn't you protest?" Sirius wonders incredulously. "And what should I say? 'I'm sorry, professor, but I can't go with Julie Snape, since her son is an insufferable, slimy git with serious problems concerning his personal hygiene?'" "Well... that about sums it up quite nicely, doesn't it?"  
  
I meet Remus's gaze, and we both sigh deeply. "I honestly don't know why I try, sometimes" I tell him with suffering written all over my face. "I know, sister, but I pray thee, don't give up. I need you by my side in these dark hours." I nod, and my voice has the grave tone of a martyr when I answer. "I shall stand by you, and suffer the suffocating stupidity of these fools without a word. But I tell thee; In heart, I shall weep." And then we both fall of our chairs, laughing uncontrollably. Sirius tries his best to look hurt, but fail miserably, grinning broadly. James only shakes his head, and Peter smiles into the palm of his hand. "I honestly don't know what we would do without you two" Sirius tells me and Remus very seriously. "Go, if that is even possible, more insane than you are now?" Remus suggests wryly. I shake my head. "No Remus. They wouldn't do anything at all." James quirks an eyebrow. "And why is that?" I smile loftily, allowing myself a luxurious stretch. "Because you would be dead for such a long time now, that your bodies would be entirely rotted away. As your brains so obviously already haOUF!" I am interrupted by James throwing himself at me, hugging every trace of air out of my lounges. As I laughingly struggle to free myself, I see Sirius throwing himself at Remus, dragging Peter with him, and for some sweaty, noisy minutes, everybody tries to wrestle down everybody else, until we finally run out of breath. Then we all lay sprawled in a panting, blissfully happy heap of legs and arms entwined, trying to regain some air. For some minutes, no one says a word, and we all rest in a warm, peaceful silence. Then, James's voice: "We will always be friends, right?" Sirius tiredly hits him with a pillow. "Ouch! What was that good for?" "Nothing. It was the stupid answer that your stupid question deserved, Prongs. Of course we are always going to be friends! We are the marauders, right?" Remus and Peter nods, and as one, they all turn to me. I, Alex, Wing and – in some ways – the leader. I smile softly. "For once, Sirius is right. Of course we are. Even a blind hen can find a grain." I add with a malicious smile. "Ouch! Someone pinched me!" Remus exclaims, trying to back off. "Sorry. I was aiming for Alex." "Ow, Wing! What was that good for?" "Sorry Peter. Thought you were Sirius." "Ah, young love!" James sighs. And two seconds later, he yelps with pain, as both mine and Sirius's feet make contact with his legs. "Come on! Don't tell me you were aiming for each other AGAIN!" "No. You can be perfectly assured that I, at least, was aiming for you" Sirius tells him, and kicks him again. "I – for once – agree with the previous speaker." I hiss softly, pinching the inside of James's arm with the precision of one who had many years practice on what you can do to the human body that hurts the most. And then we both glare at Remus and Peter, who both seems to be bursting with laughter. What's so damn funny, I'm just asking?!  
  
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After having hugged all the boys several times, assuring them that I will miss them and that I will write to them, it's time for me to go. I feel a slight touch at my shoulder, and spin around to find Severus, wearing a look of utter disdain that is somewhat marred by the tiny, almost invisible sparkle of humour somewhere deep inside those black eyes. "You. Come with me." He gestures at the exit. "I come when it pleases me." I tell him coldly, turning back to the boys. "I am afraid I have to go now. Even going with THAT" I gesture at Severus with a disgusted grimace "is better than going all the way by foot." I hug them all once more, giving both Remus and Sirius an extra squeeze and a "Good luck." They need it. Their vacations aren't exactly going to be that all-over pleasant. Then I give Severus a disdainful nod, and follow in his heels as he makes his way away from the marauders. As soon as the people milling around King's Cross bring us out of sight, we look at each other and smile. I feel his hand gently brush against mine, and take it. I feel strangely safe. Like coming home, I would say, if it weren't for the fact that "safe" and "home" are words that don't really mix well in my mind. "Oh, Alexita my dear, there you are!" Julie waves from beside a seemingly ancient car, and my smile becomes even broader. She looks so happy, so free from worries. She has flowers in her hair. "Alex!" I turn around, and find Lily waving to me, smiling shrewdly. I wave back, laughing at no apparent reason. Severus sends me a questioning glance. I press his hand reassuringly. "You did not think we could keep it from Lily, did you?" He shakes his head with a wry grimace. "No. Not really. But you could always hope, could you?" I just smilingly shake my head at him, and then drag him with me to the car. Julie greets us with hugs and kisses, talking and gesturing and she is so happy, so happy that her boy is home, so exited that I could come. Poor, vulnerable woman. Heartbreaking, undeserved fate. We all enter the car, which is considerably bigger on the inside than the outside. And even though I am sure that I saw an old man sitting in the drivers seat when I looked from the outside, it is now a very short creature with enormous ears and huge, electric blue eyes. I give Severus a puzzled look, and he smiles that slight smile that is really nothing more than gentle lift in one corner of his mouth, "Our house-elf, Hedge. His family has followed ours for ages. The blind leading the lame." He ads caustically. After all the times I've heard Sirius complaining about Kreacher, I at least know what a house-elf IS, if not what it looks like. "Why is that?" "Because our family – once one of the greatest pure-blood families in the world, now judged to be a pitiable trace of half-mad, in-bred idiots – have as only memory of our previous days of glory a line of house-elves totally inept when it comes to even the simplest task around the house. The only thing Hedge is good at is driving the car. His sister Lula can't even do that. She can make watering flower-pots end in catastrophe." Severus shakes his head bitterly. I notice that he keeps his voice low, so that Julie can't hear him. Story of his life, probably. Keep quiet; Maybe they won't hear you then. Maybe the bullies won't hear that you're hiding at the bathroom, maybe father won't hear that you're up at night, maybe mother won't hear something she doesn't want to. Keeping quiet; Maybe no one will notice me slipping out at the schoolyard, maybe father won't hear me on my way to the bathroom, maybe mother won't notice I'm home... Being invisible is practical. You don't attract attention from your enemies, you won't hurt your friends. Which enemies? What friends? When you're invisible, no-one cares about you. No-one knows about you. Because you are no-one. The marauders made me visible. I am making Severus visible. Right now, he has to be content with being visible to me. But one day... One day, he will be someone. Anyone. A person, instead of the self-consuming blank spot in the corner of your eye. That blank spot that so many hates so much because they can't place it, can't understand it. A thought surfaces somewhere in my mind, the freak matrix of my wandering consciousness; "What is that Gargoyles name, anyway?" Severus gives me a puzzled look, and I realize that I spoke the thought out loud. "That pale, pointy-faced, snotty little thing. Slytherin. Looks like he could afford the world if he really wanted it, but believes that it is beneath him." Severus makes a disgusted grimace. "I suppose you mean the one you stabbed with your wand. Lucius Malfoy. Without doubt the biggest, most insufferable prat I ever met." Then, the slightest of smiles. "He limped for the whole day after that you had so kindly manhandled his privates." "What ARE you talking about back there, dears?" Julie inquires curiously, turning to face us. I meet Severus's gaze, and we have to fight to suppress our laughter. "Nothing, mother. Nothing at all." Julie smiles. "I see. There really seems to be an awful lot about "Nothing" to talk about, doesn't it?" And she turns around. I poke Severus. "You're blushing" I point out. He doesn't say anything, just scowl out the window at some fairly innocent bypassers. I squeeze his hand without a word, smiling to myself as I watch London pass by outside the window. Like coming home...  
  
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Severus's home is a whole bloody mansion. A whole bloody very rundown and withered-looking mansion, granted, but still one hell of a lot of building. "Home sweet home." Severus voice is laden with heavy sarcasm, his face cold, his expression empty. The towering building greets him with a look just as friendly. I mean it. This house really seems to GLARE at us. There is a shuffling of running feet, and a small shape appears, running madly. "Young master is home!" it squeals. "Yes, Lula" Severus agrees tiredly "I'm home. Try to carry in our luggage, will you." "As young master commands" the house-elf answers, trying to bow while still running. She topples over, doing a not so graceful cartwheel that ends with an even less graceful crash into a set of rose-bushes, ornately planted, if clearly not cut for some centuries. "Lula's fine" her voice pipes up, somewhat muffled, amidst the thorns and leaves. Severus simply shakes his head with a look of plain despair. "Hedge, will you please help your sister out of that bush, and then carry up our luggage?" "Hedge will do as young master command" the house-elf answers, running to his sister's aid and managing to trip headfirst into the bushes, getting hopelessly entangled with all the leaves, branches and arms and legs belonging to Lula. "Glad to hear it" Severus comments dryly. "Alex, will you come with me? I'll show you your room." I nod without a word, carrying Peggy's cage with me. For safety reasons. I happen to LIKE my owl, okay? Severus smiles grimly. "Wise move" is all he says, pushing up the frankly enormous gates. They emit a wailing, hair-curling sound of un-oiled metal in death-agony. We hurry up a winding staircase carved out of withering marble, slip down a murky corridor lit only by feeble, black candles, and end up in front of a small, disused wooden door. Severus opens it, and I enter my home for the next week. Someone has been working feverently to make this room look comfortable and lived in. Newly dusted furniture, sparkling clean windows and curtains, new bed sheets, fresh flowers in a vase at the table. Julie. Yet nothing can hide the stagnant, dry smell from a room where no-one has lived for ages. This house is almost a castle. It would be able to house several families, and still have room for a whole army of servants. Or maybe one very big family... What was it Severus said? "...now judged to be a pitiable trace of half-mad, in-bred idiots..." How many can there be left, in this grave of a once flourishing house? Is it only Severus's mother and father, except himself? "My room is just next to this. A bit up the corridor sleeps my aunt, on my father's side. Try to be quiet if you have to pass her room. She is... not very well. Father's and mother's room is in another part of the house. Not that my mother is allowed to sleep there often." Severus's lips curl in a bitter grimace. "She mustn't think that she is as important as HE is. He lets her sleep at the couch. Only when he... wants something of her..." His voice trails of and he keeps his eyes glued to his feet. I put my hand gently beneath his chin, forcing him to meet my gaze. "I understand." I smile; the mild smile that I reserve for my friends only. "Do you?" I let my gaze wander, straying out of the window. "When the wolf haunts the lair of its prey, fear is equal, the pain everyone's." I don't know where I got it from. It's just the image of a wolf... The hungry, beastlike expression in my father's eyes... Poor little dear, trembling with fear, I won't let the blackwolf get you... The werewolf consuming Remus, stealing his humanity... Severus nods, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze before he lets go. There is a far distant crash in the end of the corridor. "That must be the house-elf." A deep sigh. "Why don't you try to make yourself at home a bit here and wait for your luggage, and then you'll knock on my door when you're ready, alright?"  
  
I nod, and we part. Some minutes later, Lula arrives with my luggage, which actually seems to be kept in whole pieces. At least comparing to Lula herself. I bid her to enter my room and sit down until she can walk in at least a moderately straight line, and all the while I pack up, making myself comfortable. It strikes me that this room is not much different from my other room at the Potter's house, just as Jenny is the same kind of person Julie would've been, had she been allowed a happy and peaceful life. And yet, life here must be as widely different to life together with the Potters as night is from day. There can't be more than about ten miles between both houses, yet a whole world keeps them apart. And I'm caught between them. Great.  
  
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Severus and I spend the afternoon wandering about the enormous garden at the backside of the house. No-one tends to it since the time Hedge almost cut his own ears off trying to trim a rosebush, which allows the plants to grow everywhere, totally unchecked. In the wide, black pond in the middle of the garden I can hardly distinguish the water because of all the water- lilies. The rose-garden has turned into a huge maze. The branches of the willows, growing at the side of the pond, touch the ground, creating still, dark green caverns, and the oaks in the far-stretching alleys are so old that three people holding each other's hands couldn't reach around them. I am rapidly falling in love with this place. Yet, there is something old and hostile about it that makes my skin curl. All the wile, we talk quietly to each other, or just walk quietly side-by- side, in perfect understanding. He shows me the spots where he used to spend his time when he was younger, where he went when he wanted some time alone, where he his when his father was angry or drunk or both. I imagine Severus wandering about this desolate place as a little child, without anybody except his parents, his aunt and the house-elves to keep him company. Without any friends, not even an animal of some kind. Just this ancient, hulking building, the silent, brooding trees, and the occasional stray bird. He explains that his father is violently proud of his heritage, and therefore, Severus was never allowed to associate with "lesser breeds", nor did he meet any pure-bloods, since all of them shied all of the family Snape like cats shying water. "Especially" Severus mumbles, his gaze wandering over the silent pond "since my parents are such an unfortunate match." I listen in silence, not wanting to press him. "My father and aunt... In a last, futile attempt to preserve the family line, my grandfather and grandmother married each other. They were sister and brother." He makes a disgusted face. "That's why my aunt's ill. She suffers from some disease to her head. She is partly lame. Of course, she could be much better if she was allowed to get to a muggle hospital, but father would rather die than let her near such a place. And father himself... There's probably something wrong with him as well. He's not really what you could call 'Mentally stabile'." A wry grimace twists his features. "And your mother? Why were she and your father so unfortunate a match?" I keep my voice low, as I bend over to inspect a rose, stroking its velvet petals. "Apart from the obvious, you mean?" He smiles slightly down at me. "Anyway... My mother..." He halts himself, leaning down until his eyes are level with mine. "Her maiden name is Black." I exhale softly, taken aback. Severus smiles at my chock, nimbly snatching a petal from the rose, crushing it between his fingers. "She's the cousin to the mistress of Grimauldplace. The only child in her branch of the family. She was seventeen when she fell madly in love with my father and eloped from her family. Of course, she was immediately disowned, and I am not even acknowledged. The Black family doesn't look kindly upon those who step out of line. But I bet you already knew." He keeps his voice smooth, even. We do not usually mention my close relation to Sirius and James. I can understand that he wishes to avoid it, and I respect it. "I have met her. Your mother's cousin." I shake my head in disgust, rising up. "A perfectly horrible old hag, she is. It fills me with deep satisfaction to know that I managed to hoax her grandly." "Indeed?" he remains crouched over the rose, nimble fingers trailing the thorns gently, caressing them almost lovingly. "I managed to make her believe that I am a snotty, pure-blood witch, Malfoy- style. It says enough about her just that she managed to mistake my lack of manners for good breeding. She's probably already planning my marriage with Sir..." Fuck. Tongue slipped. I fall silent, ill at ease. Severus just nods, standing up. "We have to get back now. Dinner soon. I will have to warn you. My father will be present. Just so you know. Just try to ignore if he's being nasty towards you. He's always like that. He does not know how to... now, what is that word... behave?" A caustical smile, which I return. "Race you back" I tell him, starting to run towards the mansion. I can hear him following, can hear him laughing, and I feel so very happy. I can feel the garden turning sort of warmer, less like a heavy shadow at the corner of my eye, and the house turns its glare somewhere else. We defeated them.  
  
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"Four plates? Why four?" Severus throws up an arm, gesturing for me to halt. "I thought I'd told you... Severus has a guest with him. She is staying here for about a week." Julie sounds nervous. A grunt, someone sits down. "Who is she?" "Alexita Neidorsdaughter. Newly started school this year. A real darling, the sweet girl..." "Alexita, hm? Haven't heard about her family." The voice, that I assume to come from Severus's father, goes soft, threatening. There is a clatter of someone fumbling with crockery, like the person's hands are trembling too much to keep a firm hold. "She..." Julie's voice is almost cracking from nervousity. "Maybe she... her family is from another country..." There is a hiss, followed by quiet, foreboding words. "I sincerely hope so. I will not have my son associating with... lesser kind." "You'd rather have him being with people like my family?" Julie sounds upset and angry, yet her words are quiet and respectful. Fearing. Another hiss. "You try my patience, Julie. You don't really want to try my patience, do you?" I and Severus nod to each other, entering the room together. Julie and her husband look up, the first expectant and relieved, the second suspicious. Severus nods respectfully to his father, but I can see the flame of hate flicker inside of him, lighting his eyes for a split second, before doused and hid behind a wall of self-control. "Father. This is Alexita Neidorsdaughter, a friend of mine. Alexita, this is my father." I curtsey, meeting his black eyes without wavering, keeping my gaze cool and polite. My pose is proud and challenging, back rigid, face directed slightly upward. I will not give him the satisfaction of believing himself dominant. "Neidorsdaughter? I have not heard of your family. Fill me in." The air seems to crackle with emotions; anticipation, threat and fear. I can see Severus's body tense, as he prepares himself to fight to the last breath. "We stem from the warlock Neidor of the north, a great wizard and founder of a very pure line. We keep to ourselves to avoid bad influences, and we are therefore not much known of, nor do we know much of the affairs of wizards outside our country" I lie smoothly. "I am currently written with some muggle relatives, even though I thankfully enough have managed to avoid even the slightest contact with them so far. They are a mere assurance that my being here does not attract unwanted attention. That's all." I tilt my neck elegantly, burying my gaze into him, daring him to doubt me. Somebody, hand me that Oscar! I deserve it. I don't get an Oscar, but I am granted with a curt nod. I am accepted. Ha! Kiss my ass, James Dean! I can see Severus smile ever so slightly, giving me a thankful gaze. Julie seems to relax, smiling once more and disappearing into the kitchen to bring the food. I sit down beside Sev, and then silence falls over the table, continuing to reign as Julie re-enters, and we all are seated. Julie asks some questions about my family, and I quickly invent some answers, but when there's nothing left to say, we all continue eating in silence. Well, at least moderate silence. Severus's father's manner of eating is a bit... noisy. Actually, he beats a very hungry Sirius to it, which is quite impressive. Severus keeps his head lowered, so that wisps of hair fall forward to shield him from his father. His face is a mask of hatred and disgust. I touch his hand under the table, and he lifts his gaze, looking at me. I give him an understanding gaze and an encouraging smile, which he returns, albeit bleakly. After what seems to be an eternity, dinner's over, and we retreat to our rooms. As soon as we are out of eyeshot, I stop, tugging at Severus's robe. He turns around, giving me a puzzled gaze. Standing on tip-toes, I give him a warm hug. We stand like that for some minutes, silent, in perfect harmony, and then we start walking again. We stay up quite late talking; It must be over one o clock when I leave Severus's room to enter my own. I am so tired that I barely can feel anything; Just a faint sense of wonder. One year ago, I had no friends, I was completely alone. Now I spend every day in the company of people who loves and respects me, and just some meters away sleeps a boy so much alike me that I still can't believe it. All my worries, all my fears suddenly seem so much more manageable. Things can change. Evidently.  
  
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I have been here for about five days now, it's in the middle of the night, and something is disturbing my sleep. Someone is fumbling at the door. I light the candle at the bedside table, lifting it. The door opens, and Severus's father enters. "Excuse me, but what are you doing in my room...sir?" I ad the last part after a cold silence, making sure to fill that one word with as much acid as I can muster. He HAS to get I'm a trifle annoyed. He doesn't answer, at least anything intelligible. He just mumbles something muffled, stumbling across the floor towards me. "Drunk" some kind of sixth sense tells me, and I get the feeling of something wet crawling down my spine. I definitely don't like this. "Will you be so kind as to tell me what you want?" I keep my voice cool, yet my inside is in an uproar. The wand? At the table, out of reach. Shit. What shall I do? Scream? No, not yet. "Sir?" "My guest..." he mumbles. "My house... have to follow... the rules of the house... my rules..." He drops something at the floor, which gives of a metallic sound. A beer-can, probably. Okay, the charade isn't funny anymore. "You mean 'Anything female is yours to abuse'? I'm sorry sir, but that's completely out of the question. Believe me." If you could take the temperature of my voice, it would be zero degrees Kelvin. He stares at me, blinking, as if he expected me to curl up in a ball and plead him to go away. That's probably what Julie does. My eyes narrow. "Will you be kind to leave my room now, sir? I will not take this much longer." His eyes widen by the threat. "Why, you little... you little bitch... I shall..." He stumbles over to me, surprisingly fast considering how much alcohol he must've consumed. To put it mildly, he stinks. I roll out of bed, landing at my feet at the opposite side of him. "Get away from me!" I hiss, backing. He makes a dive for me, over the bed. I barely dodge it, but one of his flailing arms manages to give me a powerful blow over my left eye. He is strong and very mobile, though lacking in coordination right now. I circle the bed, trying to get in reach of the bedside table... And slip at the beer-can. The next moment, he's all over me, hands fumbling at my nightgown, keeping my legs pressed against the floor. Now I'm scared. But I'm also absolutely furious. No-one is EVER to do that to me again. I won't tolerate it! Now, what was it Sirius said about self-defence? I bring my wrist down heavily at a major nerve centre in his back. He inhales sharply from the pain, and I use the opportunity to free my leg, kicking him violently in the stomach. The crutch would've been better, but I didn't really have time to aim. At least this knocked the air out of him for some seconds. I crawl out from under him, giving the wooden panel that separates my room from Severus's a kick. Then I grab my wand, but I do not use it immediately. Only if I am really threatened, since I am not allowed to use magic. "I would advice that you leave my room now, sir. I told you that I would have nothing of that, and I meant it." Of course, this is a miscalculation, I realize just the next moment, when he lunges heavily at me. He is heavily drunk and dead furious. He does not listen to reason. We both land at the bed, and my hand is smashed against the wall. The wand falls out of my grasp, disappearing beneath the bed. Shit. I fight furiously, biting and clawing and punching and shouting, using every trick that my bullies as well as the marauders taught me, just to win a little more time... Severus, for the sake of whatever gods there are out there, hear me! His knee pries my legs apart. He manages to pin my hands against the mattress. He tears my nightgown upwards with his teeth. I can feel him now, the same feeling that I remember from old, and memories rise in my mind like bile in my throat. He does not do anything yet; he wants me to really realize that he's won. He grins sadistically towards me, and his heavy alcohol breath is almost making me faint. A tear slides down my cheek, and I feel how I loose control of myself, starting to tremble with fear and frustration and dismay and the memories flooding my mind, filling me up, consuming me, and daddy please stop, and help me someone, and don't touch me don't touch medon'ttouchmedon't... "IMPEDIMENTA!" And his eyes go all glazed over, forceful hands pushes him away. "Alex? Oh god, Alex, are you alright? Did he...? Alex!" Severus leans over me, lifting me up in sitting position. I cling to him like a drowning, crying against his shoulder. "Alex? Please answer me; did he manage to... do anything?" I shake my head, still keeping my face burrowed against the rough white textile in his nightgown. "Oh, thank the gods..." he whispers, stroking my hair with one hand, the other circling me protectively. I hear a faint, shuffling sound when Severus's father rises up. "Go away father" Severus tells him flatly. "I might not be able to stop you from touching mom, but I'll rather die than let you touch my friend. Ever. Do you hear me? You will not touch HER!" The door closes. He's gone.  
  
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	6. Summer days

Chapter Six Summer days (Masquerade)  
  
The owl with the official warning to Severus for using magic outside school arrives next morning, when we are on our way to the car. He doesn't even look at it, just crumples it in his hand and sticks it into his pocket. I see Julie waving from a window. Her face is very swollen and very blue. I look into her eyes, and I see that she knows what has happened. I wave to her, forcing a smile to encourage her. Then I hastily turn away so that she won't see the tears in my eyes. "It will be best like this." Severus mumbles, putting a hand at my shoulder. "If you stay... I don't know what he'll do, but you can be sure it won't be good." I can see that he is trying to convince himself as much as me. Well, of course he's disappointed. Who wouldn't be? "Yes. It will be best like this. And we will meet at school, right?" "Yes. Yes, we will." His voice sounds tired, defeated. "I know what you think of, Severus. I'm so sorry about it. It's just that I can't..." He turns his head to me with a pained expression in his face. "Please Alex. Don't talk about... them. Not right now." I nod. "I'm sorry." "You know that I understand, Alex." "Yes Severus" I agree silently "I know." He kicks up some gravel. "This is all so wrong. I... I just hate it. Why does he always have to... break things for me?" He keeps his voice low, but I can hear it tremble from emotion. "And that he would do that to you of all people... It's wrong." "I'm fine Severus. I'm just sad that I can't stay. I... feel safe here. These have been some of the happiest days of my life, you know." He mutters something about "...dead old rickety house..." "Maybe so. But a dead old rickety house with you in it. You and your mother. That means a lot, you know. You mean a lot." He just smiles at me, softly, thankfully. He never smiles like that usually. Usually he sneers quite coldly. Just like I save my real smile for my friends, for those I feel safe with. In a manner of speaking, I've found his smile. His true smile. "Well, I guess we have to say goodbye. Unless you want us both to drive to Grimauldplace and abuse the car-horn so violently that the whole house wakes up." He smiles crookedly, and for one REALLY weird moment looks just like Sirius. I don't tell him that though. I would never DREAM of insulting anyone that badly. I grin. "Tempting, very tempting. But Mrs Black is scary enough already, without being pissed of, so no thank you. Well... See you." "See you, Alex." We hug, I step into the car, and soon the mansion is nothing more than a dark shadow, Severus a forlorn little dot. I lean my head against the window, trying to regain some sleep. I didn't get much of that last night. Half an hour passes and then... "Where does miss want that I shall put her?" I look up from my complete failure at sleeping. "Just up this street and to the left at that restaurant, Hedge. Drive some hundred meters. I'll make it from there." "As miss commands." "Why do I always get nervous when you say like that?" I mumble against the window. The next moment I fly forward, as we collide with a lamppost. Hedge can drive the car, granted. Nobody said anything about parking it. I open the door and squirm out, dragging my bag and the owl cage after me. Peggy's out somewhere. "Bye Hedge. I can walk from here. Just try to make your way back, okay?" He mumbles something, pulls a mysterious switch beside of the steering wheel, and the car vanishes with a faint "pop". "Handy" I mutter, walking the short distance to James's house. I take the elevator. I am actually quite exhausted. Which is proved by that I manage to miss three times before hitting the doorbell. I hear James shout "I'll take it!" and in the next instant the door swings open. "James. Could you let me inside? I'm quite tired, and I need to sit down."  
  
"Alex? But you are not supposed to be here yet. And where did you get that horrible bruise? Alex, please, what has happened?" I sigh, nimbly touching the still sore bruise over my left eyebrow after the blow I received from Severus's father. I am not lying about this. Everything that is me squirms at the mere thought. I am of course not going to tell the whole truth, but I will at least tell him what has happened to me. He deserves it. "Look, James... Can we step inside first? I am absolutely pumped." He keeps his eyes at me all the time, worriedly scanning my face. I gesture at him to follow me, and we step inside my room. I put down Peggy's empty cage, throw my bag at the bed, and then I throw myself after it. James sits down at a chair, leaning forward, waiting. "A man attempted to rape me." He falls of the chair. "What? Oh, no Alex, tell me you're joking..." "Would I joke about this? No James, don't say you're sorry, I know you didn't mean it that way. But that is what happened. I was on my way back from a shop, it was quite late in the evening, and... well... My aunt was quite shocked, so I suggested that it would be best if I went back...home." James stares at me, struck dumb by my words. "But... Nothing happened, did it?" "No, I was saved." "Oh, thank the gods..."  
  
"By Severus Snape." "What?!" James blinks, disbelieving. "I know. I am as shocked as you are" (No I'm not.) "but by some reason he was close by" (Closer than you think.) "and managed to knock the man out. Then he just glared at me and left." (Sorry Severus, but you know I can't tell the truth. Not yet.) James just shakes his head. "This is the weirdest... But I guess he has to have a heart too." And then he ads, muttering: "Somewhere beneath all that grease." "This also means that I am in debt to him, whatever I may think of him. I would therefore be happy if you and Sirius... kept away from him for a while. As a sort of repayment, if you understand?" James sighs. "I guess you're right. Of course. But you know that we do it for you, and not for him." "Yes James. I know that very well." "We should tell Sirius now."  
  
"Is he here?" "At the kitchen, finishing of some of our breakfast." "Sounds like Sirius alright. Sure. Get him here, will you. And be a darling and tell your mother I've arrived. I'll explain to her later." James leaves, and after a short while there comes a loud "WHAT?!" from the kitchen. Sirius opens the door about two seconds later. "Alex? What on earth are you doing here? And you're hurt! Alex! What is it? What has happened?!" His hair, I notice, is a mess, and he's sporting a split lip. "I should ask the same thing. You look awful." He totally ignores my comment, sitting down beside me and giving me a questioning gaze. "Well?" I lean heavily against his shoulder, feeling so very, very tired. This constant acting is draining me. "James" without looking up I notice him coming into the room "would you please tell Sirius? I don't think I'm up for it." Sirius reacts as expected. Shock, rage and then shock again, as he realizes who my saviour was this time. He agrees, albeit reluctantly, to avoid harassing Severus for a while. For my sake. Then he gently circles his arms around me, laying me down in the bed. "Sleep a while, will you Al? You seem to need it." I am so drained that I don't even have the energy to hit him. I just grimace tiredly at him, and fall in blissful sleep. Home...  
  
"Lunch?" I open my eyes, and find Sirius standing by the bed with a tray in his hands. His hair is back in perfect order, but his lip is still swollen. "Yes please. I'm so hungry I could eat a hippogriff." I accept the tray, and he sits down, smiling his most annoying, charming smile. "What has happened to you?" "An argument with my dear mother and father." He shrugs, like if he wanted to tell me that it doesn't matter, but there is something in his eyes, something that's hurting. I shake my head at him. "Why do you always have to be so brave, Sirius?" He snorts. "And that should come from you? Honestly Al." I laugh, throwing a pillow at him. "Well, I guess I'm just as stubborn as you are. Which makes us both quite silly, doesn't it?" A big, flashing grin. "Yep. Isn't it wonderful?" "You are hopeless, aren't you?" He bows. "At your service, milady." "Ah, just look at them. He and she, in perfect harmony." We both turn to the door to be confronted by James, wearing a big grin, and, behind him, Remus and Peter, both fighting against laughter. "If you lovebirds" -he dodges a pillow sent by Sirius- "could give me some of your reluctant attention, I would be happy, since I then could tell you that we've got some guests." I give James a long, steady look. "Are you suicidal, Prongs?" "No, my dear, I can assure you I'm not." "Then don't you EVER mention that word in relation to me, okay?" His eyes widen in fake innocence. "What word? Oh, you mean lovebi-" "I mean it!" I turn to Remus and Peter, both who are laughing into the palms of their hands. "It's not funny! Anyway, be my guests and come in, I was just to eat lunch when this moron interrupted me." I glare at Sirius, who smiles mildly in return. Sometimes that boy drives me absolutely wild... "Anyway" James continues "I was going to tell you that mother thought it would be wonderful if we all took the car and went out to the countryside. Take some food with and have a bath and so on. What do you think?" "Excellent idea, if you ask me" Remus smiles and sits down at a corner of my bed. Then his brow furrows. "What has happened to you?" "Er..." I turn away, ill at ease. "We'll take that later Moony" Sirius says, giving Remus a pointed look. "Someone has beaten you?" Peter asks worriedly. "Later, Wormtail!" Sirius snaps. "I don't think Alex is up for it just yet" James explains. This of course makes them even more worried. I sigh. "Look. A man tried to rape me when I was on my way from a shop. Nothing happened, since I was saved by Snape. Okay?" "Snape?" Remus and Peter exclaims at once. "Yes. So what?" "Just a tad... unexpected, that's all." Remus smiles a tad wryly. Then he goes serious again, taking my hand. "But Alex... Are you alright?" "I'm fine. I just... don't want to talk about it, okay?" I don't. Every second I am dead scared that my tongue will slip and I will say something, anything that will raise suspicion. Especially now when Moony is here. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: That guy is too smart for his own good. Or my own good, as the case is right now. "We understand." Remus smiles gently, and I get a lump in my throat. He's too good for this world. "Well, shouldn't we inform Mrs Potter that we'll gladly follow?" "As soon, and I want everyone to understand this, that I've eaten my lunch." Sirius quirks an eyebrow at me, and I glare sullenly. "I am very hungry, okay? I am – hopefully – still growing. I need to eat a lot!" Sirius grins broadly at me. "Hopefully you aren't. Growing, that is. I want you like this, always. You wouldn't be you if you weren't short. It's... characteristic." I give him a withering look. "Easy for you to say. You're so tall that I wouldn't be surprised if your lack of brain comes from constantly hitting your head on low hanging branches." We glare at each other for a split second, and then we both burst out laughing uncontrollably. James shakes his head. "I would give anything, and I mean ANYTHING to understand those two." "Amen" Peter mumbles.  
  
This car is also much bigger on the inside than the outside. I also notice the same sort of mysterious little switch beside the steering-wheel that I noticed in the Snapes car. Jenny seems to push some equally mysterious buttons, she mutters something, pulls the switch and... And the world starts to spin, it dissolves, there is only light, there is the feeling of falling, falling fast and... And when I look up, I'm definitely not in London anymore. "Where are we?" I look around at the others. Remus is leaning his head in his hands mumbling something that sounds like "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this..." Peter looks like he's on the verge of getting sick, and James is keeping his eyes very firmly shut. Sirius is grinning. "Lovely ride, wasn't it?" "You're right. It WASN'T! What happened?" "Magic. What do you think?" Mr Potter turns around in his seat, smiling reassuringly. "No need to worry. We only took the fast way." "But what if someone saw us?" James shakes his head, finally having opened his eyes. "This is a secure area. There are some of them. No muggle ever goes here. Come!" He steps out of the car. Remus looks up with a reproachful face. "You have absolutely no sympathy, do you?" "Come on Moony!" Sirius tries to push his way out. I trip him. He deserves it. It would be much more satisfying if he didn't simply laugh at it. Finally Remus regains his capability of moving, stumbling out of the car, followed by me, Sirius and finally Peter. The other door is apparently stuck. I look around me with interest. We have landed on a patch of soft grass, surrounded by a grove of birch-trees. I notice some other cars parked at some distance from ours, and I smell water. James and Sirius are already running, tearing of their shirts while doing so. I look at Remus and Peter. We all grin, starting to run. We turn around a corner on the trail we're following, and the sea opens before us. I hear the wild cries as Sirius and James throw themselves into the water, James flailing handlessly, Sirius diving gracefully. Figures. I halt a moment to pull of my dress, and then follow them, Remus and Peter in my heels. I dive after Sirius, managing to take a firm hold on his feet and pull him downwards. Then I swiftly swim for the surface. Out of reach of Sirius, of course. The water isn't as cold as I'd imagined, actually, it's quite pleasant. "You're hair is a mess, Sirius" I inform him. "Doesn't matter." He grins. "I'm gorgeous anyway." Well, yes he is, but I'm not letting him know that. Instead, I splash at him. James jumps at me from behind, pushing me down. Panic. I kick my legs violently backwards, trying to rid myself of him. Being free once more, I swim for the surface, emerging gasping for air. James is doubled over, and he doesn't seem to be able to swim. The realisation hits me, and I hastily swim up to him, dragging him towards the shore. "How are you, Prongs?" I ask as soon as we can reach the bottom. "In pain" he grimaces. The other marauders are on their way in. "What happened?" Peter wonders nervously. James makes a sour face. "Alex managed to kick me straight..." He makes a gesture that speaks volumes. The other boys grimace in sympathy, and Sirius breathes an "Ouch!" Remus looks questioningly at me. "Wing...?" I bite my lip. "Sorry, James. I think I suffer from some kind of claustrophobia. I always panic when I can't get any air. My mother often used to do that when I took a bath. She held me down until I fainted. And when we had swimming classes at school..." I shudder. "I... reacted instinctively." James looks ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry, Alex, I really am..." "You did not know. And I hurt you more than you hurt me." A wry grimace. "No way?" "What are you doing sitting there, kids? You should be swimming." Mr Potter asks, coming strolling over the sand. "A smaller incident" Remus tells him loftily. "Easy for you to say" James mutters. "Hi there!" I turn around and am confronted by a big smile. Emily, my shocked brain tells me. "Hello... What are you doing here?" "Here with my family, as you can see" she jerks her finger over her shoulder. A large group of wizards and witches in all ages are approaching us, talking and laughing. Jenny is talking to a woman a bit over middle- age, who is carrying a toddler in her arms. "My aunt, Tanya, and her grandson Bill." Emily informs me. "And there comes my cousin Arthur and his fiancée Molly, and Arthur's younger brothers Henry and Tom, my brothers Phil, Anthony and Terence, and there's my mother and father and my unmarried aunt and Tanya's husband Igor – my uncle, that is, since Tanya's only my relation by marriage – and my grandmother and grandfather on my father's side. There. All Weasleys in this part of Brittan collected together. Mind-boggling, isn't it?" "To say the least. I would say growing up in your family would give anyone a very good memory." Emily laughs, a laugh that is turned into a scream when James and Remus both grab her from behind and drag her bodily into the water. "You... bastards..." She splutters, laughing nevertheless. "We thought you needed a bath, Emily Weasley, and as the real gentlemen we are, we sought to help you." James grins broadly. "Alex? Shall we teach these louts how to behave?" Emily wonders calmly, almost casually. I grin a vampire-grin. "Anything for you... my lady." The last minutes are very loud, very violent and very, very wet, as both Sirius and – after a moment of doubt – Peter join in. The more grown-up people watch us from the beach, shaking their heads and smiling at these crazy young people. The other Weasley kids regard us with a mixture of admiring and scepticism. Who are these morons? We spend the afternoon swimming and splashing and playing games, until those adults who are still out of the water call us up for dinner. Then we all run laughing to the blankets spread over the sand, except James and Sirius, who are trying to catch a fish with their hands. So very typical of them. "Come up, both of you!" Jenny waves. "The food will get cold!" This of course is a quite stupid argument since we only brought cold food. Nothing would keep warm after all this time. There is an enormous splash and Sirius and James both fall backwards in surprise, swimming hastily away from the vexed fish. Then they both look at each other and laugh. In the next moment, they're both tumbling heedlessly towards us, splashing water in every possible direction. I look at Sirius and I think: I can almost understand Anna. Right now, when the droplets of water glitter on his skin and the black hair sticks in his forehead and he's laughing and half-naked... And then I think: Whatever did I get THAT thought from? I shake my head, wondering if I shouldn't spend some nice calm days at a mental hospital, since I'm getting these attacks of temporal madness. I also feel vaguely ashamed, and strangely enough, my thoughts stray to Severus. What is this? Oh, I know very well what it is. It's silly, that's what it is. I'm getting struck by some kind of gushy over-romanticallness that is definitely not me. No more of that, thank you very much! I'm not making this more complicated than it already is by imagining up a load of nonsense. End of discussion.  
  
And so week after week of the summer vacation pass – well there hardly is any way of preventing them from it, is there? – and I walk around in some kind of disbelieving buzz. Life can't truly be this wonderful. Some faint memories reach me from the time when I was whole, memories of sunny days and laughing parents and strawberries and grass beneath my bare feet. But I don't long back to those days, I don't feel any regret. That was the beautiful sunset that foreboded the storm that later that night was going to wreck your house, leave you lonely, hurt and very, very frightened. I concentrate on what is now, and I'm filled with a happy delirium. Lily even sends me a letter, inviting me over to her place for some days, about two weeks before school starts. I accept without any doubt. I was really starting to miss her. She is like that. She lights up the world around her. She is sunny of disposition, intelligent, funny, pretty, wise and brave, and she always speaks her mind when there is something she doesn't approve of. I do not claim that she is perfect, that would be highly unfair to her. A perfect person would also be a boring person. But she is all those thing that everyone at some point of their lives wishes to be, and yet nobody could really hate her. It would be like kicking a kitten. You just don't do things like that. I arrive at a neat little house with a neat little garden and a neat little family waiting for me. All of them are smiling, except a girl with heavily bleached hair and very pinkish make-up. She stares sullenly at her feet, lips moving slightly, like she is mumbling oaths to herself. "Alexita!" Lily comes running, catching me in a warm embrace. "Come, you have to meet my parents." She takes my hand and more or less drags me after her. I can't help laughing. I am actually quite touched. She really is happy to see me. I am introduced to Mr and Mrs Evans, and they are both so exited to meet a friend of Lily's from school, and so happy I could come, and they want to hear all about me, and say hello to Alexita now Petunia, you're being extremely rude! A swift pain crosses Lily's face. Petunia looks up, meeting my gaze with eyes like polished steel. Don't think that you're impressing me, they say. Don't think you ARE someone, just because you can wave a wand around and perform some cheap tricks. And I understand. And I feel very sorry for her. Her and Lily. "Alexita" I say, holding out my hand to her. "Petunia." She reluctantly accepts it. "I have heard a lot about you. Your sister seems very fond of you." She twitches. Didn't expect that, I am willing to bet all Sirius's hair- styling products on. Heh. Heavy bet. "Indeed." She stares at the ground, her face a mask to hide her feelings behind. She's a bit like Anna, but a much more intelligent and very, very unhappy Anna. Because she is intelligent, even though in a sort of one-way fashion. She's got insight without being open, if you understand. I smile at her as friendlily as I can muster, then turn back to Lily. "Well? Take me to your lair." She smiles, and I can see she is grateful that I understand. "I'll show you my room. Unfortunately, we don't have a guest-room, so you will have to spend your nights at a mattress on the floor. But if that's alright with you...?" "Oh, all the better. It would be a new experience, if nothing else." She shows me in, talking and laughing all the time, showing things and explaining the functions of every room. Down the hall, up the stairs, down a corridor... "And this" she opens the door with a flourish "is my room." It's very clean, very open and very modern, yet has some unfathomable cosy quality. It sort of screams "Welcome!" at you. Sunlight plays over a spotless desk where an opened copy of 'Unfogging the Future' is to be found; shines warmly at the mattress at the floor and the perfectly folded sheets at its side. "Perfect" I grin, flopping down at a chair and spinning around at it a few times. "Now, you HAVE to tell me-" "What happened at Severus's house, right?" She smiles. "Am I THAT transparent?" "I know you, that's all. I knew you would ask." "Well?" I shake my head, trying to sort my thoughts. "It was very empty. It's just Severus and his parents and his aunt and the house-elves in a house where you could keep all the students at Hogwarts, plus the teachers." "House elves? Don't they usually follow those great, pure-blood families?" "Well that's what the family Snape once was." "And now?" "Well... It seems that Severus is the only one in his generation. The name is dying. But the house elves will always follow. Even if by no other reason then that not many else would have them. Those two are chaos walking the earth." "Seems depressing." "Would you say that Severus is of a cheerful disposition?" "No I would not."  
  
"Well, there you have the reason. One of them. The biggest is – of course – his father. He is... a horrible person. He prevented Severus from seeing other children in his age before he started at Hogwarts, rapes his wife and beats both her and Severus, and..." I close my eyes, breathing deeply, like a sky-diver right before the plunge. "He tried to rape me." Lily's eyes widen in shock. She doesn't say anything, understands that this is hard for me. But she puts her hand upon mine, resting at the desk. To let me know she's here. "He came into my room at the dead of the night, the fifth day during my stay there. Dead drunk. He... almost managed to... get to me... God, Lily, it was horrible. All those memories... I felt like drowning. But Severus heard. Hexed his father, pushed him away... Protected me." I swallow, clenching my fists. "I had to leave the next day. Didn't dare to stay. We all... thought it would be best that way. But of course we were...disappointed." I look up, meeting her worried, caring gaze. "You have no idea how good it feels to talk about this to you. I... told the boys he was just some man that attacked me at the street. Told them I was at my aunt's place. I did not dare to talk about it. I was scared to say something that would make them understand that I did not tell the whole truth." "You hate it, don't you? The acting. The lying. The fear." She keeps her voice soft and low, sincere. "Yes." I bite my lip. "I hate it so very badly. And even when I'm with Severus I have to watch my tongue all the time. I don't want to hurt him by dragging them up." "Then why do you do it, Alex?" "I told you, Lily! I can't take that just yet." I give her a pleading glance. "I'm not ready for it, and neither are they. I have to wait until they grow up a bit." "Grow up? Are we talking about the same guys?" She gives me a playful shove. "Well, Remus would understand. He's fine. Peter doesn't matter since his opinion is founded by what the others think, sad but true. And I do think that James will grow from this immaturity in time. He's not always like this, you know. But Sirius... Oh, Lily, I don't know..." She nods, giving me an encouraging smile. "I understand. It isn't easy being you, is it?" I shrug my shoulders. "Life ain't easy. You just have to get used to that. Everybody's got some pain. You have Petunia. I just... get a lot at once right now. I manage." "You are very brave, you know that?" she tells me very seriously. I smile, shaking my head. "I'm not braver than the next person. There are a lot of things I can't take. A brave person doesn't lie, especially not to avoid confrontation. I do what has to be done. What I am able to. I can hardly do more than that. No-one can." I give her a long searching gaze. "A brave person walks through her whole life as a light for others. Someone to look up to, who will help you when you fall, laugh with you and cry with you. Care. Take the time. A brave person asks for a persons name and stands on his side even if everyone else cheers the bullies or pretends they do not see." She blushes when she realizes that I am speaking about her, but then looks up at me with eyes like glittering emeralds. "A brave person can also be a person that has gone through all the worst things a human can be exposed to, and yet is strong enough to keep her own value. Who never crouched, but was rather broken standing. Who can fight in the shadows, with every method that she has at her disposal, even if they are very poor, to protect and help and be there for a person she loves. Who can wait in silence, even though she is tortured and scared, for the sake of those who matter the most to her." For a minute, we do not say anything. She stands there before me, silken locks falling about her face, smiling gently. I look down to find her slightly freckled, sunburned hand on my still quite pale. "Here we are, complimenting each other to no end. We should be ashamed." I smile sardonically, and she laughs. "A few compliments aren't that bad, I think. There is much that is worse." Well, I guess that is right. Screwing your children, beating your wife, mistreating someone just because he or she is different, being narrow- minded and prejudicious, making someone feel like he or she is worth less, killing, torturing, enslaving, that is worse. There is so much that you can do that is worse than being a trifle vain, a little too proud. It feels nice to know that I did not turn out that bad. After all.  
  
"Hurry up, Alex! We'll miss the train!" "Easy for you to say, long-legs..." "Hey, where's my owl?"  
  
"On your head, Pete..." "Is everybody here?" "No, James is still back there!" "What IS he doing?" "Spying at Lily, of course." Remus groans, disappearing for a while, then re-appearing, dragging James after him. "I... can't...believe...you" he mutters through gritted teeth. "We'll miss the train if you are going to dawdle like that!" "I wasn't DAWDLING, I was just..." "Whatever. Just hurry up." We all tumble through the wall to the platform at once, tripping over each other. I manage to crash into the back of Nero Zabini, and give him a wolf- grin before catching up with the others. We stumble up the stairs to the train, dragging out bags and cages with us. We manage to find ourselves an empty compartment, flopping down at the chairs and grinning at each other. "Towards a new year" James proclaims. "New pranks!" Sirius grins. "New mischief." Peter smiles slightly. "New idiocy." I comment dryly. "And loads of new homework." Remus finishes with a satisfied grin. We all stare dumbly at him, and then burst out laughing. "I actually feel much better than I did one year ago." "And how did you feel then?"  
  
I smile at the memory. "Nervous. Shocked. Confused. Different." "Well, you were. Different, that is. Never met one of your kind." Sirius gives me a big, insulting grin. I hit him. "Bet you hadn't. And I... I was convinced that I was a nobody, a person you could not like, an outcast. And then you guys turn up and ACCEPT me. You have to understand it was quite a shock." "You looked quite stunned when I didn't jump down your throat at all those insults." Sirius smiles crookedly. I shrug. "It was my defence. I was convinced that you were an insolent, self-centred prat, and that you would use every given chance to make my life miserable. And behold: I was right!" I dodge a slap and grin at him. "But guys! Today it's exactly one year since we met Alex, and four years since we met each other! This must be celebrated!" "Sure, James. It's your money." He doesn't say a word, but solemnly pays for chocolate-frogs for all of us. Say what you want, but he can be a real gentleman. I'll tell that to Lily sometime. Yes, I am evil. Deal with it. Then we munch at our chocolate, bicker with each other and just generally enjoy life. The door swings open, and two girls step in, looking around with disdainful faces. The older one, dark-haired and devastatingly pretty, smiles listlessly. "Sirius." He makes a sour face. "Bellastrix. Do me a favour and disappear, will you?" Shit, his cousins... I quickly lean my head forward to let my hair fall like a protecting curtain between my face and them, pretending to be concentrated on fixing my nails. Don't want them to tell Mrs. Black things that she is better off not knowing. "You do know what your mother thinks about THEM." The blond one gestures with a disgusted face at us. "That" Sirius hisses between gritted teeth "is one of my main reasons for seeing them. Get lost, Narcissa." She looks about to retort, but then spots someone up the corridor. "Oh, it's Lucius! Hi Lucius!" And she is gone. Bellastrix gives us one last look of deepest contempt, and brushes away. Sirius bashes his head against the window. "I hate those bloody..." I am very thankful I can't hear what he mumbles after that. I have a feeling he was using the more colourful branches of the English language. There is a knock on the door, and I open to find Alice Norton in tears. Apparently, she has lost her kitten, Tibbles. We all shake our heads. No we haven't seen him; no we have absolutely no idea where he can be. She thanks us anyway, and continues down the corridor, knocking at the next door. I shake my head and sit down. You would almost think this place was an intersection, judging from the wild traffic here. I rather want to be alone with the boys right now. One year. One whole, wonderful year. I am so very, very thankful... At impulse I rise up, hugging them all, one after another. "Thanks for existing" I mumble, sitting down again. Sirius raises his eyebrows. "How did you become so sweet all of sudden?" I stick my tongue out at him. "I blame it all on my unhappy childhood." And then we both have to laugh, ignoring the puzzled looks from the other marauders. Sometimes, being coherent is not all that important. 


	7. Back at Hogwarts

Chapter Seven

Back at Hogwarts (Starting to detest cleverness...)

I look up from my sudden position at the floor.

"Watch out, will you!" Severus smiles wryly.

"If you would keep your greasy, abnormally large nose out of that bloody book, then you might actually be able to see where you're walking." I laugh, helping him up. "Déjà vu, or what?"

"Mhm... I have to admit that stung a bit."

"Well, it wasn't like you deserved it. I was a bit... touchy back then."

"Still is."

"Bastard."  
"Yes, that's me."

I smile. "You know... I almost threw up from bad conscience back then. I knew myself how much those random comments from strangers can hurt. I felt like a bully."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Well..." I shrug. "It was still a rotten thing to do."

"You made up for it later, did you not?" He nimbly touches my cheek.

"I try my best. And it felt SO good to give those slimy Slytherin gits something to think about."

"Does that include me?" he wonders teasingly, pulling at a tuft of my unruly hair lightly.

"Maybe. You just won't ever know, will you?"

We smile, two identical vampire-grins. Two dark creatures created from those dreams that you wake up from wet with sweat and with a sadistic smile imprinted on your retina. Sprung from the shadows at the back of your mind.

"Anyway... I noticed that it was you that kidnapped my owl."

He shakes his head. "Not kidnapped. She stayed, sitting by the window and staring at me until I had to pick up a pen and write to you. And when I tied it to her leg, I can swear that she blinked at me before she took off."

"She's one smart bird. I was very pleasantly surprised to find the letter. I was a bit down right then, and it managed to cheer me up."

"What had happened?"

I grimace, leaning against the window. "Nightmare. I went up to let in some air, and was almost knocked over by Peggy."

He stares at me. "Peggy?" he inquires incredulously.

"Sadism. Pure sadism. Anyway, I had to stand five hundred questions about who the letter was from. And then came a lovely reprise of all the WONDERFUL "Romeo and Alex"-songs. But it was worth it."

"Glad to hear it."

Emily passes us, giving me an interested glance, eyebrows raised. I stick my tongue out at her, and mimic "You would only dare tell!" with a pointed gaze. She just grins, disappearing into a compartment.

"Who was that?"

"Emily Weasley. Classmate. Smiles a lot. Optimist."

"Oh, one of those."

I grin, giving him a fake punch. "Someone has to make up for people like us."

"Cynics, you mean?"

"Yep. But she's okay. She's got her heart where it should be, and she's much more intelligent than one would think."

He stares silently out of the window, and when he speaks again, the words come out in intervals, like he has to force himself to speak them.

"Alexita... will it... always be like... this? Always... hiding. Always... keeping this a secret? Because... I don't know. I just... feel bad about it."

I sigh. "I know, Severus. I hate it. I really do. It's just that... I can't tell just yet. Please don't be angry with me, but I have to wait. Some day..."

"Yes. Some day. Of course I'll wait."

"Thanks." I smile gratefully. "But I really have to go now. Sorry. Well... bye."

"Bye."

And we part. I hurry back to our compartment, sit down quietly and stare unseeingly out the window.

"Alex? What is it?" Remus puts his hand at my shoulder.

"Nothing. I'm just tired."

And I am. So damn tired.

And a week passes without much ado. Life at Hogwarts falls into its own steady gait, striving for some kind of distant, unclear destination. I am in the library – trying to gather information about the memory sleep-spell for an extra work for Flitwick, the charms-teacher that really seems charmed by me, or rather my talent for the subject – when Remus finds me. He sits down opposite of me, wearing a very serious expression, even when counted with Remus-standards.

"Yes?" I look up from a book describing the great – and clearly insane – warlock Erosan's total memory wipe, by memory sleep-spell, of all the married men in the medium society Windsock. The thing he wiped out was the mere memory of who everybody really WAS married to, and then leant back to watch the general confusion breaking out, having a real good laugh. Then he had an even bigger laugh when he awoke the memory again. Twisted sense of humour, if you ask me. But a great warlock he was.

"Alex... I don't really know how to put this, but... are you hiding something from us? I mean... you seem so stressed all the time. Tired. And sometimes you look at us when you think we do not see, and you look so very sad. And you sometimes mutter things like "Not yet" to yourself. And you absolutely refuse to tell us anything that happened at your aunt's place, and every time we come near the subject, your look almost panicked. There. Maybe it's just loose suspicions, but I would whish you to tell me IF there is any reason for them."

I stare at him, and then drop my head in my hands.

"Damn you for being the cleverest boy I ever met, Remus. You complete bastard."

"I take that as a 'yes'."

"You...you found this out all by yourself?"

"Yes."

"And... did you..."

"No, I did not tell the others. I know what it is to have a secret that you REALLY do not want to share. And if that is the case, I wanted to spare you from James's and Sirius's curiosity." He smiles his own, gentle smile. "But Alex... I do not whish to snoop, but is it really so bad that you have to hide it from us?"  
I look down at my hands, stirring restlessly. "What were you afraid of when you hid your secret from the other boys?"

"I was afraid to loose them, of c... Oh. Is it THAT bad?"

"Yes Remus. It really is. Oh, not bad, really, not like it was bad for you. More... very, very unfortunate."

"I see. Something that you do not know if they will understand, right?"

"Dead at the target. Listen, Remus, I am perfectly sure that you would understand. Maybe not like it, but understand. I know I can trust you. But I do not want to tell you, by the simple reason that you would then have to keep it secret from the others. I don't want to put you through that. Not YOU. I don't think you could take it. I... well, I am used to lying, Remus. Ashamed as I am to say it, I really am used to it. And I've got... help. But you... Keeping a secret from them, when I know you feel that you owe them so very much... Your guilty conscience would drive you mad."

He shakes his head, smiling at me. "I cannot believe that some people think you to be a cold person. You are one of the most caring persons I've ever met. I feel very sorry for the person that tries to hurt someone you love."

I return his smile gratefully. "I am nothing without you all, Remus. All those who love and care for me... I could not make another day without them. That is why I cannot tell the other's yet. I dare not."

"Does someone know? Someone that can help you when the burden becomes to heavy?"

"Well, Lily. She has a knack for getting to know things. And Emily, I think." And then there is one more, but I cannot tell him that. He must not know that this has something to do with a person. He would figure it out easy as that if he knew.

"Good. Those two are VERY capable of handling things like that, so much I know."

"Yes. Lily has been like a gift from above. Always so understanding, always helping, always caring. I owe very much to her."

Remus rises up, winking at me. "I shall ask no more, so your tongue won't slip. I am thankful you consider the debt I feel towards the other marauders, just as I feel towards you. Whatever secret it might be, I do not think I could've made it. I would sooner or later spill the beans, and all hell would break out. I will try not to think about this, to keep my brain from jumping into conclusions that I can't handle."

"Thanks for understanding."

"The same good to you."

He turns to leave, then turns around, as an afterthought.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"This is mainly about Sirius, is it not?"

I give him a gaze full of pain too overpowering to fight. "Yes, Remus. This is most definitely mostly about Sirius."

"Damnable." I mutter, plopping myself down at a stool opposite of Severus.

"Hm?"

"Remus. He's unhealthily clever, that boy. Found out that I've been 'hiding something', he did."

"Indeed? And...?"

I sigh, gesturing angrily towards the ceiling. "Is it someone up there who has THIS much against me? Why does everything have to be so bloody complicated?" I get a questioning glance, and calm down a trifle. "I did not tell anything, really. I did not want to put him through that."

There is a brief flash of pain in Severus's eyes, and he quickly glues his eyes to the book he was reading when I came in. I clap my hands over my mouth, as I realize what I just said, how it sounded.

"Oh, dear, that came out horribly, didn't it? What I meant is that I did not want to have to force him to keep that secret. Not that it would be horrible for him to hear the truth. Everybody does most definitely not hate you THAT much."

I hear him mutter something like "I could mention a few..." but I choose not to comment it. What is there to say, really?

"But you have to see... Remus... "Ack, what can I say now? Mentioning anything about how very much indebted towards the others he feel would really be shooting him in the back, especially since he has been so understanding. "Keeping something hidden from Si-" I catch myself on the verge of saying 'Sirius and James' "the others would be horrible to him. I manage. Barely. But he... He is too honest."

Severus simply nods, looking up from his book once again. He understands. He does not feel as hostile towards Remus as he feels towards the others. But he holds him in contempt, though, for not speaking his mind to Sirius and James about their harassments, when he is so clearly weary of them. He does not – cannot – understand how greatly Remus values his friends, how scared he is to loose them.

I can. Perfectly.

I carry an inner monster within too, in a manner of speaking. My fear, my anger, my lust for revenge. My darkness, my shadows, my protecting walls of ice. Yet they understood. Yet they accepted. I cannot enough express my gratitude. And I am so very scared of failing, of hurting, of loosing.

But even though guilt is gnawing at me at every waken moment, there is also the calmness, the satisfaction, that tells me that what I am doing is right. In my heart I carry Severus's smile, his outspokenness together with me – my secret treasures – to strengthen me when the bad conscience sets in.

I study Severus's face, and I can see the faintest trace of disappointment. I understand that he had hoped that Remus's would've uncovered the whole secret. He hates to always have me whispering things like "Shit, Sirius! Must go. Sorry." and disappear from him in a blink of an eye. To only be able to really communicate with me by letter. To have to pretend to be my sworn enemy all the time. Sure, sometimes it can be amusing. But like the time I slapped him... I had just put my hand at his cheek in condolence, since he had just received a letter from his mother, stained with tears. And at that exact moment, Sirius turned up from nowhere, and I had to turn my friendly gesture into a stinging bitch-slap. And Sirius laughed. He laughed. When Severus was dead worried about his mother, grief-stricken over her undeserved fate; when he had just received a blow straight in the face by his best friend – his ONLY friend – who had to deny him for the sake of his bullies... Then Sirius LAUGHED. I was THIS close to kneel him in the groin, I swear I was. But I controlled myself, turning from Severus to follow my nothing-expecting friend. But my heart shrunk as I stole a glance over my shoulder, to see Severus standing alone in the abandoned corridor, a hand over his sore cheek, defiant, seemingly bottomless pain burning hot like a searing, unyielding flame in his eyes.

If there are gods – something I strongly doubt, or at least that least that they are good – they may be my witness on how rotten I felt then and there. And yet I am too afraid. I am not a good person. I am very selfish, in fact. Much of what I do for Severus is done by selfish reasons, I freely admit that, and I am not... generous, I guess, enough to risk loosing my friends over this.

But Severus understands, since he is the same kind of person. He knows deep down that he would do the same thing. This may not be very attractive, but that is what we are, and that is nothing anyone can do anything about, least of all ourselves. But I admire him. For his insight, his courage and that he stands fast by my side, whatever happens.

Thus I am ever thankful.

Ever indebted.

We sit silent. There is really not much need for words. Words do often conceal more than they tell. Only in the silence between friends, the silence that is neither awkward nor forced, the silence of closeness, of understanding, of not having to say anything, you can truly speak to a person.

I let my eyes wander, following the flittering shadows of the candles, gazing across the library into the night that looms outside the windows. My eyes are caught by the book Severus is reading. That is no library book, no book that should ever be allowed to students. A dark magic book.

I shrug my shoulders. Everybody has to make their own choices. Dark magic appeals to Severus because there is something in it that he recognizes as a part of himself. A kind of burning hunger. He devours this want of more, and it eats him in return. That is what darkness is all about. Wanting. Wanting so badly that you shy no means to get it. I know very well of it, it is a part of me too. But I don't place that much of importance with it. It just IS. I won't try to take it away, and I won't try to further it.

Everybody has to make their own choices...

And if I told him to stop? I smile tightly at the thought. I would never dream of disappointing him so badly. He has enough people trying to reduce him, push him around, control him. He has to find for himself what it is he wants. I cannot help him, I do not want to help him, and he doesn't want to be helped. The foundations for respect. Learn when to back out, learn when your help will only destroy.

Letters appear on the marauder's map.  
"Wing?"

The letters are dark blue. Remus. I dip my quill in ink and write back. "Yes?"

"Another argument with that git?"

"I am waiting to get a book he is using. I am strongly suspecting that he reads as slowly as he can to piss me off."

"Let me hit him." Black letters. Egocentric.

"Bugger off, Padfoot."

"Can you cut it off? I am trying to use the map!" a bunch of green letters angrily states.

"To spy on Lily" red letters points out.

"Shut UP, Wormtail."

I write in black ink, yet when it touches the parchment they turn a dark purple. "Listen, I cannot talk with you right now. The slimeball will notice. Over and out."

"What?"

I sigh. "Another way of saying "Goodbye". Ciow!"

No more letters appear. A relief, I really must say. I sigh and wonder to myself why I ever let Sirius spell the map into carrying messages. It seemed a good idea at the time. Now I have to put up with a lot of useless prattle every time I pick it up. Great.

I stuff the map my in my pocket, thinking that I can check it from time to time.

Big, bloody mistake, I realize just some moments later.

"A nobody it was? A looser? And then we all ask ourselves: Why are they now sitting here, so sweet, so unexpecting, so totally absolved by each other."

There can be no mistake of who that drawling voice belongs to. Severus glares, shutting his book with an angry "SNAP!"

"Get out of it, Malfoy!"

He shakes his head in mock concern. "Now, now, now... I know some people who would not be very happy to know this, am I not right?"

I get to my feet, and even though I am not very tall, I sort of feel him becoming smaller in front of me. "You do that, and I will tell the whole school that the great Lucius Malfoy got beaten by a first-year who did not know a thing about magic and Severus Snape. Think about it, Malfoy."

His eyes narrow. He would probably be devastatingly good-looking if he did not wear that snotty grimace. It's the same with Sirius. All the time he is laughing and fooling around with us, he is drop dead gorgeous, but every time he starts picking at Severus, I cannot for the life of me call him handsome. "You would get expelled."

"Me? I've got top grades in every subject, more than that in Charms, Defence Against the Dark Arts and Potions. They would never expel me over a small thing like that. Maybe put me in detention, but not expel me."

"I am not afraid of whatever you'll try to do."

Severus nods, giving him a sarcastic smile. "So much I had actually expected. You have all your cronies to lean on, don't you? But I do not lean at anybody, and yet I am not afraid. Now, who is the brave one?"

"We are not people who lean at others" I add very quietly.

Lucius smiles unpleasantly. "And what about those Gryffindor idiots you hang around with all the time?"

I laugh hollowly. "That is called genuine friendship. Leaning is not needed. Supporting each other, yes, but not hiding. Try it some time."

"And what do you call this?" He gestures menacingly at me and Severus.

"That, Lucius Malfoy, is something you would never understand."

"Ah, how sweet. We'll see if everybody will think that, though."

And he turns at heel, and sweeps out.

I swear. Loudly.

"Why does the world always do this to me? Severus?"

"Yes."

"Will you help me?"

"Yes, Alexita. I will."

The bomb is dropped at lunch some days later. I notice Lucius Malfoy heading for our table, and I nod to myself. I send Severus a quick glance, and he gives me a thin-lipped smile. Sighing quietly, I start buttering a piece of bread. Time to wear yet another mask.

"Where do you have your boyfriend?" Lucius wonders maliciously, halting some meter away from us. At a safe distance, I think scornfully to myself.

"What are you talking about, Malfoy?" I ask carelessly, putting down my toast.

"Boyfriend?" James says with a nonplussed face.

"Oh, so you have not told them yet, have you?" He sneers gleefully at me.

"Told us what? What is the git talking about?"

"I have absolutely no idea, Sirius. What is it Malfoy? Hallucinating again? You really should take that medicine of yours a bit more often."

The boys snort of laughter, and I smile triumphantly at Lucius.

His expression does not change. He just smiles a bit wider, his gaze cool. "Told them about you and that rat Severus Snape."

I get to my feet, eyes flaring, fingers curled into vicious claws. "How DARE you?! How dare you even imply that there should be anything even akin to the slightest touch of affection between me and that... thing?!"

There is a sound of chairs being shoved over the floor behind me, as all of the guys rise up. I hold up my hand, gesturing for them to stand still. Meanwhile, Severus has moved across the floor, and is now standing at some short distance away, regarding Lucius with utmost contempt.

"I am actually for once agreeing perfectly with the previous speaker." He states coldly, regarding me like you would something disagreeable that your dog did on the carpet. "I can assure that I would not dream of even coming close to this pathetic excuse of a human other than by accident."

"What I think Malfoy is talking about" I smile listlessly "is that he came across me waiting for Snape to hand over a book I needed at the library."

I can see that Lucius starts to think this scene unpleasant by now. "Like you would want to read that dark magic book! You, with your good-guy friends" he spits at me.

"Oh, so now we do not only have a secret relationship, but we are also studying dark magic together. My, my, we have been naughty, have we not?" Severus asks in cold amusement, shaking his head.

I laugh caustically. "What is it next, Malfoy? Orgies in drugs, whips, leather and cream? Honestly..."

People around us laugh. Lucius is staring to look REALLY uncomfortable, yet he still stands fast.

"Can't you see? Are you all blind? They are working together!"

"Ha! Well, I think Snape will at least agree with me on one point: Over both our dead bodies!"

Severus nods, giving me a look of pure, open disdain.

I shrug my shoulders, giving Lucius an insulting, carelessly dismissing gesture with my hand. "I think we have solved this. Would you both be kind and leave now? Your presence is making me nauseous, and I am actually tying to eat."

Severus bows mockingly, and I throw him a sardonic kiss as he leaves. Lucius gives me one last, furious look, before dramatically turning at heel, sweeping away. People around me at the Gryffindor table applaud, and I notice Emily laughing very hard into her serviette. Lily is shaking her head, but the corners of her mouth seem to live their own lives, wandering up towards her ears all the time.

"Whatever did he get THAT from" James wonders in shocked disgust, gazing after the disappearing Lucius.

"Probably nowhere. He just wanted to get to Alex." Remus guesses, shaking his head.

"What do you mean, Moony?" Sirius inquires, sitting down. "Why would he do that?"

"Well, his only REASON was probably that she is our friend, and he is a slimy Slytherin git. And when he saw Alex waiting for the book in the library, he got an idea. Because what would make us more upset with Alex than her being together with some other Slytherin git, especially if it happened to be Snape? Not much, right? So he invented this story, and tried to make us believe it."

"But he did not know what he was up against" Peter smiles.

Sirius laughs, stealing my toast. "Nope. Because what can be worse than a really irritated Alex?"

"A hungry Sirius" I snap back. "Give me my bread, you thief!"

He smiles, shoving it into his mouth and swallowing it before I can say much more. I really wonder how he can manage to look handsome with his mouth stuffed full of bread.

"Well, promise me that you will never do anything like that, Alex. I honestly do not think I could live through that."

"I don't do promises, Sirius. I almost always end up breaking them."

He shudders. "Then I really advise against you promising that. REALLY."

And I sigh quietly to myself. What is this mess that I have gotten myself into?

Three days later, I walk into the common-room to find Remus starring moodily into the hearth, the flickering fire painting sharp shadows over his face. It's one of those nights again. His mood has been steadily dropping for the last week. It always does. But now a little less than usually, since we devised a way to make things easier for him.

I sit down beside him. "It is not really the transformation, is it?" I inquire quietly. "It's loosing control. Being helpless. Not being able to do anything about your own actions. Of having the monster inside you. Not having any CHOICE."

He looks up at me in surprise, and then smiles sadly. "You are really too intelligent for your own good, you know that?"

I smile back. "Exactly what I always have thought about you, Remus. Especially of late. You think too much."

He shrugs his shoulders. "Somebody has to. To keep track of the other's. You have no IDEA what it was like before you came."

"I might be able to guess" I state wryly. "Sirius comes up with some lame-brained, half-impossible idea. James loves it because he is a lame-brained, half-impossible boy. They barge straight ahead, crushing everything that comes in their way, and Peter applauds them all the way. Something like that?"

"Yep. And I was the one who had to take care of the mess afterwards. Two were too many for me. Now we can share the load of those two nutcases, and when they are out of the game, Peter is no real problem."

I grin at him, dramatically putting a head against my forehead and sighing deeply. "Ah, being a genius is not always easy!"

"Never is."

We sit quiet for a moment, smiling broadly into the flames. Then I feel his gaze at me once more, searching, inquiring, as if trying to work something out.

"Now you are doing it again" I point out without looking up.

"What?"

"Thinking."

I can feel his smile, even if I don't see it. "I think I am addicted. But I was just... wondering..."

"I pray thee, what is this puzzle that brings down yonder great wonderment?"

"I... No, I said I should not think about it, and I won't. It would be like shooting myself in the back. Complicated, and not worth the efforts."

I nod, understanding very well what he is talking about. Once more, we fall quiet, until he suddenly speaks again, seemingly to nobody special.

"What DID he get that idea form?"

"Remus?"

"Malfoy. I just can't see what he got so complicated a lie from?"

Well, it was just partly a lie, I answer in my mind. But I understand now what he is wondering. He is starting to get what it is that I have been hiding. Shoot. Time to ease the pressure a bit here...

"Because I have saved Snape from Malfoy once."

"What? You have never told us..."

"No. I did not think it to be really... necessary. It was that night when I found out about the password to the Slytherin common-room. I lied to you, then. I did enter."

"Alex!"

I give him an earnest look. "I know it was stupid, Remus. But I was a bit tired, and I wanted to just... DO something, anything. So I went in. And I came across Malfoy and that eldest Zabini girl..."  
"Abigail."

"...beating the hell out of Snape. I... could not let it happen. I know full well what it is like to be in that position. So I told them to stop."

"And then they stopped?" He gives me a sceptic glance.

"No, of course not. But they jumped at me instead of Snape. I managed to keep them busy long enough for him to crawl for his wand and hex them both. Then I just turned went away. There was really nothing to say, and I did not want to give the other Slytherins a chance to react."

Remus gaze is calm and calculating. "Malfoy and Zabini would not let anyone that was not there know about this, would they?"

I smile. "No. They did not. I haven't heard a word about it. Though I actually was worried when I was called to the headmaster's office."

"I see... Well, then I understand. You know, for some moments, I was actually beginning to believe..."

I laugh, hitting him. "You must be REALLY tired Remus, that is all I have to say."

"Mr. Lupin? It is time for you to go." The voice of professor McGonagall breaks into our conversation. Remus sighs, getting to his feet. I rise too, giving him a hug and a soft "Good luck."

"I'll need it" Remus mumbles, as he steps out the door.


	8. To have a Choice

Chapter Eight  
To have a choice (But love is NOT an option)  
  
The boys keep their promise, and stay off Severus for a while. But nothing can keep them from clashing for a very long time. I do not only blame Sirius and James, to do so would be highly unfair. Severus is just as nasty towards them, as they are to him. I can understand that their patience has to run out sooner or later. And by all means, be enemies, I can manage that. It may not be easy, but I can manage.   
It's when it stops being an argument, and starts being bullying... Then it pains me more than I thought possible. When they come onto him two on one, when they continue hitting him when he is lying down. When they do not do it out of anger, but of spite, of will to humiliate and hurt.  
To show him how much better they are.   
Whatever forces are out there shall know that I almost hate them then. Almost. Yet, they are me too dear to loose. I balance on a very thin thread, at a knifepoint, a barrier between two worlds.  
I am on my way to the tower, when I hear shouting down the corridor. The voices are so very familiar. I close my eyes in pain. So it begins again, their unending battles. Will they ever seize to torment me?   
No, now I was unfair. They do not now how much this tears at me, that when I look at them, I see three of the ones I love the most, fighting bitterly. Two against one. A hopeless battle, such as mine. But they KNOW that I have been there myself, dammit! Why, oh why, can't they see...?  
Without thinking, I am already stepping down the corridor, towards the commotion. But I halt in mid-step, drawing a deep breath. What can I do? What can I say? I feel the taste of gall towards my tongue, the world spins, there is an ache like a bond of metal tightening around my skull. I lean forceless towards the wall, my legs unable to carry me anymore. I truly do not know how to solve this. I know how Sirius will react. And James. How could I forget James? He is just as bad...  
Or is he? For one moment I am in doubt, and then I shake my head in disgust. Now I was truly unfair. I know very well that they are both just as guilty. It's just that... I have to admit it. With Sirius, it feels more personal, more like he is betraying ME. I cannot explain it, but that's the way it is. And selfish as I am, I judge him harder than James because of that. He has not deserved that. It's the harm he is doing Severus that matters, I really have to remember that.  
But now, what to do about this? What can I do, that will not make them angry, annoyed, and that will not hurt Severus? Oh, please...  
And then, ten times sweeter than the melodious cry from the most virtuous songbird, comes a voice:  
"James Potter, you full blood prat! Let him go!"  
Thanks all that is holy for Lily. I could kiss her!  
James, taken aback:  
"But Evans..."  
"No buts, you stupid boy! And that goes for you too, Sirius Black. Get of him! NOW!" I hear the distinct sound of someone – meaning Lily – tapping her foot. Then comes a whispered, reluctant counter-curse from Sirius.  
"Here, let me help you."  
"Get of me, mudblood bitch!"  
"Suit yourself."  
Though the words are spoken with the outmost carelessness, I can hear that Lily was truly hurt. She only tried to help. He is being unreasonable, I know. But I have done the same thing, know very well that it is actually James and Sirius that all the bitter anger that he threw in her face belongs to. I hear shuffling of feet, as Severus starts down the corridor. I wait for him. As soon as he storms around the corner and gets to see me, he stops. Then he starts walking again, slowly. I fall into his step.  
"Severus..."  
"Yes, I know" he snaps aggressively. "You do not want this. I have heard it! You could nothing do. As always."  
The sob comes over me before I can stop it. It tears at me, shakes me brutally, like was I a toy in the hands of an uncaring god. Tears start to paint thin lines down my face.  
Please, let this torment end! Please, please, oh god, I never believed in you, but if you can just stop this, please...  
He stops, staring at me.  
"Alex?"  
I turn my face away; I do not want to burden him with my tears, my sorrows. He has so many of his own.  
And then I am in his arms, just as the time he saved me from his father. One arm around me, under my arm, supporting me, the other one tracing its way gently through my tussled, dirty hair. And he whispers in my ear:  
"I am sorry. I was unfair. I do not, can not understand, I should be thankful that you take the time, that you... you..." I can feel his muscles contort to fight down a sob and I do not care if James or Sirius would turn up right now. Let them turn up! Let this take an ending, let them know, I don't care, all that matters is that the pain goes away...  
But they do not come. Instead, I see Lily turning around the corner. Seeing us, she nods and smiles gently, turning around and heading for the Gryffindor tower. She followed him... Even though he hurt her, gave her nothing for her care and empathy, she followed to see that he would be okay...   
Clutching Severus tightly, a say a silent prayer of thanks for Lily to whatever powers that might be listening. She deserves it.

"Oooh! Alex walked under the mistletoe!" Before I know it, Sirius jumps on me, giving me a light kiss on the mouth. He grins. "I have been sitting here all day, jumping on every girl coming in."

I slap him, and Remus groans. "Get a life, Padfoot."

"I'm very happy you did not kiss me" Peter points out with a shudder, dodging Sirius who tries to catch him in his arms, grinning sadistically.

"Hey! The other girls did not mind!"

"A. I am not a girl. B. Which means that Lily has not walked by yet."

"And lucky that is for Padfoot" James growls, glaring.

"Don't you worry Prongs. I won't steal her. I've got too many already!"

I hit him once more. "Excluding me, I hope."

"Oh, you never know..." H winks at me and quickly jumps put of reach.

"You know, just because you happen to be handsome, the whole world won't fall to its knees for you."

Sirius looks highly pleased, smirking broadly at me.

"What?" I snap irritably.

"You said I am handsome." he points out.

"Well, you are. Big deal."

He just smirks even more. I bash my head with a cushion, wondering why I ever opened my big mouth.

Remus smiles mildly. "And how did miss Anna Mignon react on your kissing-frenzy?"

Sirius looks a bit green. "Eh... I think I got temporarily blind just when she walked in... All the times."

"All the times?"

"Yeah. When she heard what I was up to, she walked in and out about ten times before finally giving up. You unsympathetic gits." He ads, as we all fall over laughing.

"Hey, what about us dressing up Snivelly as a girl and sending him in here" James joyfully suggests.

I picture Sev dressed like a girl, kissing Sirius, and almost break my ribs from laughing.

"Then I would end my acquaintance with you faster than you can say 'Chutzpah'." Sirius states with a disgusted face.

We all grin at him, which of course makes him jump-attack us. By some reasons, most discussions with my fellow marauders seems to end with me laying together with them in a laughing, screaming heap. Sigh. Boys.

I fight back with all might, trying to ignore the feather-light feeling of Sirius's lips against mine. I am falling victim for this gushy idiocy again. I really do not need this, okay?

I have not fallen in love with him, but if I continue like this, the risk is there that I am going to. And since that would – if nothing else – totally mess up our friendship, that is the last thing I want. I like things the way they are. I need no love of that kind. I am perfectly happy like it is now.

I sigh, whacking James over the head with a pillow. Why do I seem so very inclined to complicate things all the time? Can I just have this blissful happiness that I feel right now, thanks? Can I for once feel joy untouched, and not have to worry about the risk that I will loose it?

Someone tries to grab me from behind, and I bite at the grasping hand. Sirius gives a pained yelp, and I grin at him. He shakes his head, smiling and massaging his fingers. Joy untouched....

I hardly even notice the months passing by. Time seems to fall into some kind of unchanging, steady flow into the future. The only remarkable thing is that we all stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. I notice that Remus is remarkably happy about this. Figures, I guess.

I keep contact with Severus through owl-post. He continues with "Romeo", so I sign every letter with "Juliet". Just for the mere hell of it.

But still, day after day seems to be slipping away, and I really do not mind. Everything feels safe and warm and comfortable. It's like I'm all wrapped up in a soft shell. Sure, it is very unpleasant when James and Sirius pick on Sev, but he does not seem to take it so very hard anymore.

At least that was what I thought.

But as I am now running through the forbidden forest – in search of some loneliness – I hear a very familiar voice. Crying.

I turn from the track, emerging in a very hidden, small glade just some meters into the vegetation. Severus sits leaned against a tree, eyes closed, the tear-lines on his face reflecting the evening sun. I can see that he notices that someone approaches, but he does not get up, nor even open his eyes. But his hand clutches firmly at the wand at his side.

I fall to my knees beside him, taking his head between my hands, giving him a light kiss on each cheek. Salt water, smell of human, warmth beneath my fingertips...

"Alex." It is no question; just a mere stating of fact.

"How..."

"You are the only one that touches me like that exept my mother. Like I am someone that matters to you." There is a trace of bitterness to be found in his quite voice.

I drop my head into his lap, turning my gaze against the sky. Immediately, one of his hands starts tracing its way through the unidentifiable mess that is my hair. I laugh silently.

"You are obsessed with my hair, Sev."

"Yes. I believe I am. Get over it."

"Why? It is not exactly clean."

"Is mine?"

He smiles wryly at me, eyes still closed. I don't say anything, just stretch out a hand towards the tangled wisps of black hair that almost brush against my face. Just as hopeless as the white-blond mass spreading out in his lap. In desperate need of a comb and probably some gallons of shampoo. My reason for not washing it is quite obvious; I have still not overwon my fear totally. Severus's is probably more of an aggressive "What does it matter anyway? It will hardly make them hate me less."

I sigh, burrowing my hands deeply in the pitch-black mess of strands. "Do you come here often Severus? Come here to cry?"

He makes an uncomfortable grimace. "No. Not that often at all. I keep it all on the inside. Until I can't hold it anymore. Then I come here. I can hold a lot of pain, Alexita."

"Why haven't you told me?" I inquire softly.

He shakes his head, something mildly complicated by my hands now being totally stuck in his hair. "I don't want you to feel guilty" he tells me quite brutally. "And you would. I don't blame you. Sometimes I am angry, but I know I cannot blame you for... wanting more than just me."

I clench my hands into fists, and he grimaces from pain. "That is not what it is about, and you know it. Its about love. Both to you and to them. You are just as good in my eyes."

He smiles sadly. "Anyway... I just felt that I could deal with this on my own."

I laugh shortly. "That may be a reason. But not the whole. You are proud, Severus. You don't want people to see you when you are weak, if you can avoid it."

"You truly know me, Alex." He states wryly.

"I know myself."

And now he finally opens his eyes. Black. Totally black. The pupil can only be distinguished by the feeling of something in there watching you, drawing you in. A black hole framed by the blackness of space. Only noticed because of how it affects its surroundings.

...I always thought that Sirius had black eyes too, until some weeks ago. Only then did I realise that they are a deep grey, with faint tones of blue and purple. Like schist...

In the pale, colour stealing light of the cloudy afternoon sky, Severus's skin seems white as marble. So does probably my hair, skin and eyes.

I loosen one of my hands, taking his in it. Translucent, long-fingered, spidery... They fit almost perfectly when I put my palm against his.

I smile drowsily, huddling closer to him in the briskly cold march air, and slowly drift into the land of sleep...

My dreams are fragmental, swirling through my head like mist a many-coloured mist. They seem mainly to consist of hundreds of faces sweeping by, random words snatched from unintelligible conversations, glimpses of familiar as well as alien places; All without any distinguishable connection. All of sudden, McGonagall appears out of the omnium gatherum, telling me that I am late and that I should hurry.

Hurry? Late? Late for what, I want to ask, but a cold, prickling sensation starts down my spine when I realise what day it is. Shi-

"-it!" I sit bolt upright. Severus casts me a puzzled look. His lips are blue.

"Are you still here? But you are freezing!" I put my half-numb hand at his cheek. Like touching an icicle.

"Well, I could hardly leave you."

"But why didn't you wake me up?" I groan, stiffly getting to my feet.

He shrugs, and I swear inwardly at him, even though it is unfair.

"Listen... do you know what time it is?"

"Why!" He grimaces at the pain in his half-frozen limbs, as he slowly gets to his feet.

"I cannot tell." I give him an anguished look. "Please, Sev?"

He meets my gaze for a split second, then look down at his own, faintly red and trembling, hands. "About eight, I would guess."

So much? McGonagall must be bringing Remus down to the shack by now. Bugger!  
"I..."  
"...really have to go." Severus finishes tiredly.

"Look, Severus..."

"No, please Alex. Just go, alright?"

His expression is calm, but emotions storm in his eyes as I meet them. He turns away.

I step up to him and hug him, holding him close for some very long minutes. Oh, gods, I wish I could stay! But I cannot let Remus down. Not when it comes to this.

"I would not go if I had a choice" I mutter against his chest. "Not now. I want to be here with you. I am so very, very sorry."

I turn my face towards him, and I can see his eyes searching my face for a lie. Then he nods curtly. "Go then, Alexita" is all that he says. I smile at him, then turn to run as fast as I can out of the glade.

As soon as I am sure that he cannot possibly see me, I take a risk and turn falcon. Wings are more effective than legs, and falcons are swift birds.

I beat my wings to gain some height, scanning the woods. There is Severus, slowly making his way to the castle, and...

There! By the edge of the woods they are waiting, safe out of eye-shot of the castle. Sirius striding back and fourth impatiently, James jumping up and down to keep warm, Peter switching feet nervously. I pull into a steep dive, levelling away just some meters over ground, turning human without even landing. I drop to the ground right before Sirius's feet.

He does not even waste enough time to look shocked. "Where have you been?" he hisses fretfully.

"I fell asleep. Sorry."

"Asleep? Where? You weren't in your dormitory according to Emily."

"In the forest. I was very tired, okay?"

"In the forest? Are you nuts? There are all sorts of creatures about there!"

"Nothing worse than what I meet every day, I can assure you." I give him a cold grin. "Shall we go?"  
"We were only waiting for you" James says smoothly, trying to prevent Sirius from exploding. "Come on!"

Sirius shakes his head and mutter something about "...and she calls me careless..."

I take his hand in mine. "You're cold" he points out.

"I can feel that. I'm sorry Sirius. I really am... It was stupid." This, of course, is a lie. I'm not sorry for what has happened. I'm sorry to be late, but not for what I did to be so.

He shakes his head at me. "Just don't do it again, okay? I was worried."

He was worried. Because I was gone. Seeing Severus. Who needs me now. And I am not there. I'm here. And I am lying to Sirius. Who was worried over me when I did not show up.

God, I feel like an arsehole!

Just one week later, it's my birthday again. I am this time awoken by the boys yelling "Happy birthday!" and hitting me in the face with a tart. After I have thrown it back at James and Peter, yelled good-naturedly at Remus, and bit Sirius in the arm, Lily calls us all to order. They all hand over their presents, congratulating me in a more orthodox way.

After having opened them and thanked them all – except Sirius who first gave me a flobberworm in a package before handing over the real gift, and because of that is treated by an icy silence – James throws me a last package with a grin.

"Guess what came with your owl to my window?"

I pick it up, reading the note with half a smile.

"Happy birthday, fair Juliet.

If it goes as bad as last year, kick them all for me.

Love, Romeo."

I laugh quietly, and Sirius quirks an eyebrow at me. "Don't tell me you don't know who it is from."

I give him a long, steady look. "Curiosity killed the cat. Or in your case, the dog."

"Well, I am sure it had a really fun time dying." he shrugs with a grin. I sigh deeply. Ignoring the curious glances I get, I rip the wrapping off. Lily is smiling in a way that suggests that she is trying very hard not to giggle.

A small, deep red seed falls out, followed by a small note, reading in fancy, starkly pink letters, that clash horribly with the seed:

"The Friendship-Flower (African amiosa-plant) is a magical flower that gets so strongly connected to the person planting it that is will bloom, wither and even change colour after how the planter feels, and it is capable of certain movement, usually to seek warmth. It is also a popular theory amongst many prominent botanist-magi that it has its own, complicated consciousness, and therefore in a sense can understand what is being told to it. The perfect gift to your friends and loved ones, the Friendship-Flower does not only offer splendid beauty, but a close friend who is always there to listen."

At the bottom of the card, Severus has scribbled down a line himself.

"Thought it suited you."

I bite my lip to keep the tears pressing on my eyelids from flowing over, swallowing hard and breathing deeply through my nose.

"...a close friend who is always there to listen."

Even though I always have to leave. Even though I always abandon him.

I look up at Lily, seeking help. She takes the card from me and reads it through. And then a bright, beautiful smile slowly starts to dawn on her face. Her eyes are shining enough to make the sun shrug its shoulders and go on vacation to Majorca, where it at least is properly appreciated. Remus gives us both a long, thoughtful gaze.

"I think Lily knows something we don't." Peter silently points out, making us all jump. By some reason, it always startles everyone when he comes up with something intelligent, something that makes me quite ashamed of myself. But James and Sirius stares at him for a long time, before they have the good grace to answer.

"I think you're right there, Wormtail" Sirius says in almost the same tone as you compliment a child for remembering what comes after G in the alphabet. I feel like hitting him, but Peter doesn't even seem to notice. Sigh. I can see Emily grind her teeth as well, looking at Sirius as if he was half a worm found in an apple she just bit. Intelligent girl. Then she snaps the card out of Lily's hand, eagerly reading it. First, she looks at tad befuddled. But then her eyes light up, and a grin spreads across her face that would make a skull jealous.

"SHE – and probably Emily too, judging from the reaction – knows who this secret admirer is. And so does Alex." Sirius turns those strangely warm, dark-grey eyes towards me. "You are having secrets."

"Yes." Well there hardly seems to be any point in denying it.

He grins and winks. "Well, we will find out sooner or later. You know that, don't you?"

I nod. That is what I am afraid of.

Something in me hurts a bit as he shrugs, not mentioning it anymore, and I realise to my utter horror that that part wishes for him to be jealous.

Idiot! I am an idiot!

Later that night, when I am on my way to the dormitory, I notice that someone is already in there. A shadow spills out over the hall floor, prolonged and wavering by the candles. I stop behind the open door, peeking through the crack.

To my grand surprise, I see Sirius. How he managed to get up here without a girls' permission is a puzzle. But then again, he suffers nor real lack of girls.

He is holding something in his hand, staring at it. His posture is tense, speak clearly about uncertainty. Then he suddenly throws the thing away at my bed as if it burned him, and sweeps nervously out of the room. As soon as I hear him slip down the stairs-turned-slide, I step out into the light and into my room. On my bed, shining white against the dark velvet, lies the birthday-card from Severus.

I didn't see this.

When there is only one week left until the summer holidays, I receive a letter from Severus's mother. I brush away "Dark arts: A guide in defence, level two" and settle down to read.

"Dear, dear friend.

I wish that we could invite you over once again, since I truly enjoyed having you here, and Severus seemed so very happy to have you with him. He is a bit shy, the poor boy, and therefore does not meet many children in his own age..."

I do not think that is the problem, no.

"...and he seemed to miss you exceptionally during the Christmas vacation. But because of the sad misunderstanding during your last visit, I am afraid that it would upset my husband a bit."

Misunderstanding? Upset a bit? Poor, fragile woman. I can understand so very well that she keeps lying to herself. Who wouldn't?

"But I wondered – and I hope you understand that I am not trying to thrust myself, or rather my son upon you – if Severus could not stay over at your place? Your family seems so truly delightful, and I am sure he would be perfectly happy there."

She sure is used to always apologise for herself.

But this is a problem. Severus sleeping over at the Potters? Wouldn't think so. Not unless one wanted either James or Sev or both dead. And probably Sirius too.

No. Ashamed as I am at the thought, I have to invent an excuse.

"I look forward to seeing you. Perhaps we could meet in Diagon Alley some day? Knockturn Alley truly is ghastly, but I had to pick up some things there for my husband. Nothing illegal, I hope you understand, just wares dangerous enough not to be kept at the ordinary market."

Ha! I believe that as much as I want. Not meaning that she is lying. SHE probably thinks that she is speaking the truth.

"With wishes of all the best for you until we meet again,

Julie."

I stare at the letter for some more seconds, then slowly pick up a quill. Snatching a bit of parchment from my heap of notes for the Defence Against the Dark Arts-exam, I start to write.

"Dear Julie,

it is lovely to hear from you and to know you are well. I am currently very tired – all those exams, you know – but on the whole feeling well. It is sad that I should not be able to come over, especially because of what I am now going to write.

I am truly sorry to inform you that Severus staying with me for the summer is impossible. My mother has a very sensitive health and is at the time being very ill. Since I receive visits from healers every day when I am home, I am safe from the disease, but a person staying only for a short while could pick up the disease and carry it with him for days before it break out. Since I would never dream of risking the health of so good a friend as your son, I have no choice but to sadly decline. But hopefully, there will be other chances in the future.

I would love to meet you at Diagon Alley, (and I fully agree that Knockturn Alley is an awful place. I was actually quite lost when I met you there for more than a year ago... Where does the time go?). I'll talk with Severus about it.

With my best wishes and all my love,

Alexita."

I read the letter through, nodding to myself. Perfect.

A chill runs down my spine. A perfect lie? What a horrible concept.

Then I grab another parchment, scrabbling a quick note to Lily.

"Lily! I need your help. I want to see "Romeo" under the summer, but without any interception. Please invent something up for me. I trust you.

Alex."

I give them both to Peggy, giving her the directions and sending her away. And now, there is nothing to do but to wait.

And study. Damn the exams.

The next day, Emily comes over to me with mischief glittering in her eyes.

"Lily has thought things over. She thought that we could all claim that we are going on sort of a girls-only day to Diagon Alley. That is, we just drop you of there at about twelve, and pick you up again later that night. You can both sleep at my place. We've got a lot of spare beds. That means we can both see each other and you'll get to meet your Romeo." She grins broadly at me.

I stick my tongue out at her, turning to look out the window. "Thanks. Tell Lily that I owe her a bundle. You too, by the way. For not telling, and... so on."

She takes place beside me, following a hunting hawk with her eyes. "How did you manage all this, Alex?"

"Manage?" I laugh hollowly. "Whoever said I tried to get into this situation? It's just that I... didn't have much of a choice. There was too much of him in me, too much of me in him. We... are sort of birds of a feather." Falcons, perhaps?

"I understand. But... isn't it hard when..."  
"They torture him?" I sigh, leaning my head against the cool glass. "Horrible. It feels like being torn in two. Sometimes I almost hate them. It hurts to hate someone that you love so dearly. But sometimes they are just so..." I shake my head. "I understand that it is hard for Remus to tell them to stop, and if he was just allowed by Sirius and James to get a bit more self-esteem, Peter wouldn't be this bad, I think."

Emily nods grimly. "Yeah, I know. Sometimes they almost treat him like a... footstool or something. I feel like punching them right then."

I smile. "And so I lie to them, and walk behind their backs. And I feel terrible about it."

"I can understand. But why don't you tell Remus? I am sure he would understand, and he obviously suspects more than the rest."

"He does. He knows that I am hiding something. But I cannot ask of him to keep something secret from the others. I simply can't. He is too honest."

Emily looks thoughtful. "There is something with Remus, is it not? Something that makes him dependant on the others?"

"Don't think about it" I whisper quickly. "And don't talk about it. The fewer that has even a clue that he is... different, the better."

She nods. "Secrets are hard to keep, even though you really try."

"Yeah. I should know. I am the bloody expert on secrets." I exhale slowly, and the condense forming on the glass blocks out my sight.

"And what are you? Friends, or...?"  
"No, we're not a couple, if that was what you were referring to. We're friends. Very, very good such. We share so very much."

"Fathers, for example?" Emily asks shrewdly.

"Yes. Severus's father... does not treat his mother well."

"Rapes her?"

"Yes. And treats Sev like dirt. Hits him when he is drunk. A real arsehole." I grimace out into the summer evening.

"You've met him?"

"Yeah. You know that I told you that I was going to my aunt? Well, I wasn't."

Emily looks mildly surprised, then laughs, flinging her arms out. "Well, you managed to fool us all, didn't you. Well, all exept Lily, but that goes without saying."

I smile wryly. "She looks right through you. She knows a lot about people."

"Yes..." Her expression turns thoughtful. "And the man that tried to rape you then, was that... Severus's father?"

"Yes." The memory is still a bleeding wound across my heart. Not so much the attempt itself as the look on Severus's face afterwards. All that hate and sorrow and frustration... It hurts to know that he suffers like that.

Those blue eyes seem to hold so much more than I ever counted with for her. I keep underestimating her so gravely because of that enormous strength that keeps the smile on her face, even at the worst of times. I know someone that could need that strength...

Slowly, very slowly, a new idea unfolds in my mind. I smile sadistically.

This could be fun...


	9. Sunshine

Chapter Nine

Sunshine (Weasels eat rats, right?)

"Alexita, my dear!"

I smile warmly at the sight of Julie, rushing forward toward me. She catches me in a hug, leaning backwards to smile down at me. "It is so good to see you."

"It is good to see you too. I've missed you."

Severus appears at her side, smiling slightly.

"Can I get a hug too?"  
I laugh, flinging my arms around him. "Missed you, Romeo."

He quirks an eyebrow down at me. "Very funny" he comments dryly.

"Yeah, I know. I've got an unfailing sense of humour, you see. It's one of my many charms. And I am very modest too."

"Yes. I've noticed. Just as modest as some of your friends you can mention."

Well, he seems to be in a good mood, if he can speak about "the others" like that. I stick out my tongue at him at the horrible insult, Julie laughs and tells us we are cute, we both protest wildly, highly offended. We continue out of The Leaky Cauldron, strolling together down Diagon Alley. Julie seems highly exited, talking rapidly, gesturing and laughing, seemingly simultaneously. I think to myself with a sigh that she probably doesn't get to come out that very often.

Then Severus taps my shoulder, pointing at something. A follow his finger, and to my surprise and glee, I see Lucius Malfoy together with a woman that probably is his mother. As we come closer, he looks up, and his eyes goes wide at the sight of us. I wave to him, smiling and gripping Severus's hand in my free one. Then almost fall over laughing at his absolutely furious face. Severus shakes his head and smiles wryly. Julie doesn't notice a thing, just looks mildly surprised as Severus has to almost drag me forward because of me being quite immobile from laughing.

"You happy young people" she says with a melancholic smile. "How I remember those days..."

Well of course she does. She is very young herself, after all. Some thirty-two years, it must be.

"Everything being new to your eyes, every day an adventure, the first sweet taste of love..." She smiles, here eyes far away. "Take care of these years... Take care of every second of them... Soon they'll be over and they will never come back..."

There is a deep aching sorrow in those light-blue eyes that strikes me like a blow in the midriff. My mirth pour out of me, and I am left empty an lost, helpless before the void opening in the eyes of this betrayed and unhappy woman.

But Severus seems used to these moments. "Mother?" He touches her lightly at the cheek. She blinks, and I can SEE how her awareness is pushed back somewhere in the back of her mind together with all her pain. She smiles her usual, sunny and childish smile.

"Oops, got a bit lost in my thoughts there. Oh, but there is the restaurant! We really HAVE to go there, it is so neat..."

We follow her silently. I am so badly touched by this moment of sudden thoughtfulness, and Severus is walking with anguish like an open wound in his eyes. I take his hand once more, not knowing what more to do. What is there really to say? That I'm sorry? Could I do anything that would make it different? Better to make him think of other things...

"Severus?"

"Yes."

"I... I wondered. You said that your mother is the cousin to the mistress of Grimauldplace. You also said that she is a Black. I cannot get that right. Shouldn't she be the cousin of the master of that horrible old house then?"

"No. My mother and her cousin, as well as her husband, all belong to different branches of the Black family. Quite distanced. My mother's aunt married a Zabini, so she naturally lost her maiden name Black. She was the sister of my grandfather on my mother's side, so mother was born a Black. Complicated, is it not?"

"Yeah. I thought the Weaslys was a handful."

"All the big pure-blood families breed wildly amongst themselves and each other."

"And yet they condemn you?"

"Yes."

I shake my hand at this pointless folly. What does it really matter? I know I am powerful, and I am as muggle-born as anyone can be. I do not say this aloud, though. I think that Severus in some way still is violently proud of being a member of a once-great house. But what has this kind of pride led to so far? If Julie had a family that would support her, would she still be the slave of her own husband? Wouldn't think so.

Pig-headed idiots!

"Well, how have you been?" Emily asks, bouncing up and down at my side as we walk towards the car.

"Great." I smile at the memory of the evening passed.

Lily shakes her head. "Do you know how very much alike you are sometimes? I mean, sure, he is tall and quite dark, and you are the opposite, but... well, your way of walking is the same, you use the same gestures, you smile the same way, you talk the same way, you wear the same expressions. It's almost scary."

"Yeah, I know... First time I met him, I though I had run into a mirror or something. It was like looking into my own eyes..." I fall silent, my thoughts straying back to that first time I met him.

"When was it you met him?" Emily asks, reading my thought as always.

"At the Hogwarts Express." I grimace wryly. "I was horrible towards him. I... I had just found friends, for the first time since I was about seven, and he... snarled at me... I lost my temper..."

"What did you say?"  
"I said... No, I can't! Let's just say I sounded just like Sirius and James."

Lily's eyebrows goes up. "Oh dear. That wasn't good, was it?"

I laugh hollowly. "That was an underestimation, if ever I heard it. It was so damn low that I feel sick just to think of it. Because I KNEW how very alike we were from the first sight." I kick a perfectly innocent dustbin to vent out my anger at myself.

Emily's eyes shine brightly, as she looks at us, as if a sudden idea just struck her. "This is a whole damn conspiracy!"

I give her a playful shove. "You are always being so melodramatic, Em!"

"Yes, of course I am! Somebody has to, and it might as well be me. But I find this very inspiring, and you just let me be as exited about it as I wish!"

I smile helplessly, and Lily gives an amused laugh. "Alright, have it your way. This is now officially a Conspiracy."  
"Good." Emily turns around at before us, gesturing for us to stop. She makes me take Lily's hand, then takes my right hand in her left and Lily's left in her right, so that we form a triangle. She gently presses my hand , and I feel Lily squeezing my left one. I laugh, pressing back.   
"We are now all members of The Conspiracy, holiest of orders at Hogwarts. May she who ever fails be forced to date the giant squid. Or worse."  
"Worse?" I inquire.  
"What about James Potter?" Lily mutters sourly, and we all laugh.  
"Hey!" I exclaim, coming to think of a thing. "We are one member short."   
"Who?"  
"Lucius Malfoy." They stare dumbly at me for a split second before we all start to giggle helplessly.  
"Lucius Malfoy, honorary member of The Conspiracy!" Emily exclaims with an extravagant gesture.  
"Should we tell him, you think?" Lily wonders, half-choked by laughter.  
"Nah" I smile sardonically. "I am not THAT tired of life."  
"But he won't be able to kill you, darling!" Emily smiles a smile like a half-mad, suicidal vampire at the sight of a solarium. "Because as soon as he draws wand, you will immediately be saved by your knight in...hrm...shining...armour..." She falls over laughing.  
"What, Severus? Knight in shining armour?" She nods. I give her a long, steady look. "You're mad." She smiles broadly, once again nodding eagerly.  
"Or Sirius. Just take your pick."  
"Yeah, right. They would surely try to save me at the same time, and then start fighting with each other, whilst Lucius kills me and even manages to get his hands on an escape-ticket to Bahamas."  
"And then they would both blame it on each other" Lily ads.  
"And wake me up from the dead to solve it all" I finish darkly.  
Emily shakes her head at me. "I don't understand you." She tells me severely. "You've got two guys who are ready to tear the other to pieces over you..." She turns to Lily. "Can YOU see why she is complaining?"  
I hit her, but I still have to laugh. Lily sighs, and says in a tone so horribly quasi-deep that I grimace wildly: "Some people are just never happy."  
I stick out my tongue at them both. "I am so not answering to that!" And then we all burst out laughing again.  
We arrive at the car still giggling, and Mr. Weasly shakes his head at us. "Girls..." he mutters smilingly, something that makes me highly offended.  
What have we done NOW?

We spend an hour and a half at the movies, and Emily seems absolutely fascinated by the whole concept, to mine and Lily's great amusement. I manage to prevent her from throwing an empty cup at the screen, trying to get a reaction from the actors, and we then spend quarter of an hour teasing her over it, until she threatens to throw a not-so-empty cup at US. We sulk, and she grins, asking a million questions about how a cinema really works. We tell her that we really don't know, and she regards us in silence for several unsettling minutes before muttering "How strange" to herself.  
All in all, we have a really good time, something that I wouldn't really say about the poor couple sitting behind us. They leave when there is only half an hour left, glaring sullenly at us. Well, well...  
Then we head home to Emily, who lives in an old cottage at the edge of a large wood, quite a bit too small for a family consisting of six people; four children and two adults. But with a lot of patience and love, they manage to make it work anyway. "If there's room to care, there's room to spare" as Em's mother cheerfully tells us. And they at least have the minor advance of being able to put a shrinking-charm at the beds when they do not use them.  
They only have one bedroom and a kitchen. The parents and the two youngest boys sleep in the bedroom and Emily and her two year younger brother Terence share the couch in the kitchen. Now Terence gets to sleep with his parents in the double bed, and I take his place, Lily occupying one of their spare-beds. There is actually room for two more extra beds in the kitchen, if you would fill it all up.  
"It's not very fancy" Emily tells us happily, bouncing around at the couch. "But it's good enough for us."  
"It's better than many places" I tell her, shaking my head. "My mothers' flat was very... fancy. Enormous windows, everything made by exclusive designers... She got a lot of money from her parents, my dear mother. Not that we were rich. She just choose to spend the money on a luxurious home instead of... I don't know. Maybe nutritious provisions and reasonable clothes for her child. When you are underfed and wearing old, tattered second-hand clothes, living in a big, fancy flat doesn't help. And it was so... empty. All these rooms that we didn't use, filled with nothing but dusty air and the sound of silence waiting for words that never came... Depressing, that is what it was."  
They both look at me with big eyes, as the quiet flood of words spill out of me, like blood cleaning out a diseased wound.  
"My father's place was smaller. Just two rooms, except the kitchen and so on. Too small. You couldn't move anywhere without the other occupant knowing it. I dreaded going to the bathroom. So cramped... Like being constantly caught in a big trap." I swallow the bile down, my hands shaking now. "Home... The word is never going to mean those places I left. That was just somewhere I lived. Or rather a prison. I have left it behind me now. I am never going to look back with regret, or even the faintest sense of melancholy. Sometimes... sometimes those places haunt me in my sleep. But then I get out of bed and up to the window, watching Hogwarts sleep, and I think that it is over. I am free. I've spread my wings, left the nest, and I am going to continue flying forever. And where I come from is just going to be a distant dot at the horizon, too far away to harm me ever again." I smile at their solemn faces. "I at least know that it could've been worse."   
"Worse? What can possibly..." Lily's voice is hardly more than a whisper. I sigh, and turn my gaze towards the window, where the stars start to peep through the clouds.  
"It could be an old, ramshackle manor with hundreds of empty rooms. The echoes of its previous days of glory could still echo through the dusty, dimly lit corridors, along with the laughter of generations grown up there and long lost. It could be totally isolated from all the world, and I could've wandered through the corridors, longing for a human that does not belong to this dead castle and it silent world, to touch me. Wandered through the vast, unkempt garden with all its silent, brooding greenery, talking softly to the trees, because they are the only ones that will truly listen. Because my mother's brain is broken from sorrow, my father's from bitterness and anger, my aunt's from disease, and the house-elf's by heritage. I could've been so utterly alone that I never had seen another human apart from my family when I finally was freed from this prison. Freed from this emptiness to meet a world of disappointments and failure, of hate and self-contempt. And without anyone to listen. That is worse."  
A long silence, then Emily's voice:  
"Maybe that is worse, or maybe it is worse to YOU because he is your friend. I would guess that he thinks that what happened to you is a lot worse. But whatever is true when I comes to that, you have to remember that his life is not like that anymore. There is now someone there to listen. And I think that means a lot."  
I laugh hollowly, all the bitterness suddenly coming to life inside me. "Yeah. Someone who will listen. At least for about two minutes, before she whispers "Shit, they are coming, got to go!" and disappears to associate with his bullies. Do you think that makes it better or worse for him?"  
Lily smiles gently, shaking her head. "Now you are being silly, Alex. Of course you have made it better for him. He's got someone except his poor mother who cares about him now. To just know that you exist, and that you are his friend... Don't you think that is something he thanks whatever gods there might be for, the first thing he does when he wakes up in the morning? To have the regard and love of another person is something fantastic. Don't belittle it."  
Silence follows in the wake of her words. I try to make out the faces of the two other girls through the gentle darkness of the summer night. A pale full-moon causes a pair of emerald-green eyes to shimmer, sheds its soothing silver dust over a wide grin, makes the hair falling into my face glisten pearly-white. Full moon... I sigh, wishing I could send Remus my condolence in some way right now. I've seen him afterwards, when we weren't there to prevent the wolf from biting itself. And now...  
Poor Remus...  
I lean back against my pillows, smiling at the other members of the Conspiracy.  
"Good night, sisters."

I ring the bell, impatiently waiting for someone to answer.

"Jamie, be a darling and open!"

"Mum, I'm in the shower! Sirius?"  
"Doing my hair, you nitwit! Pete?"

No answer. Probably still sleeping.  
"Oh, by all that is holy, I'll open it!"

The next moment, the door is opened by a Remus sporting a horrible scar straight over his face, a face clearly telling me that he is not in the best of moods. His eyes soften a bit when he sees that it's me.

"You're back. Come in."

I nod, slipping inside and heavily putting down my bag.

"I thought of you" I tell him softly. "I know it's not much, but I hope it is at least something."

He smiles bleakly, his hand inevitably going to the wound. "Yes. Yes it is."

I sigh, shaking my head. "I have said so probably one too may times, but... Life's not fair. Not a bit. So many that has to suffer that doesn't deserve it... I know this sounds damn melodramatic, but it tics me off, alright?!" I kick an umbrella-stand. Someone has apparently put a permanent sticking-charm on it, so the only thing that happens is that I hurt my toes, something that really does nothing to improve my mood. A swear, and Remus shrugs with a smile.

"I'm getting used to it." His tone sounds so careless. He does not want me to worry.

"Don't lie to me, Remus" I mutter between gritted teeth. "You never get used to that kind of pain. Ever."

"Cheerful, aren't you?"

"I know, you idiot. I know very well what it is to be forced into something that you don't want, that you know hurts you. That never seizes to hurt you." I rub my toe, staring defiantly at him.

He sighs, tiredly brushing a hand over his eyes. "You can always hope, can't you?" he asks bitterly.

I bite my lip, cursing myself inwardly. "I'm sorry, Remus. I really am."

"For what? Telling the truth?"

He stares, transfixed, at a non existent spot some meter to the left side of me.

"For being so faithless. There is always hope, you know. I am just an embitted, silly cynic. Please disregard everything I say when I am in this mood."

He sadly shakes his head. "You were more or less repeating my own thoughts. Hope is just another word for lying to yourself."

"Yeah. So I thought myself. Until I met you." I put my hand at his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "Am I making myself clear? And you would only dare loose your hope, do you hear me? We became unregistered animagi for you, Remus. Don't make it be for nothing. Don't fail us. Because we will never fail you."

He stares at me, and slowly, very slowly, a smile creeps up over his face. "You are right. Of course you are. I am the one who should apologise for being a cynic. You have done so much for me..."

"Like you have done for us."

"Like what?"

"Just being there. Helping out in every situation. Giving us – bloody undeserving gits – of your trust." I grin widely at him. "Like me... You told me your... secret after we've just known each other for a couple of hours. Just like that. I am still surprised that you did it. Just to make me feel better, to know that I was not alone."

I blushes ever so slightly, looking down at the carpet. "I just knew... that you would understand. You seemed like... like you've been called a beast and suchlike yourself. Like you knew."

"Actually, it was 'Wraith'. 'Monster of the Swamps' and 'Slime'. Among others." I smile grimly. "So I proved to them that they were right. A part of me turned monster. Every time I fought back, I tried to envision my hands as claws, my teeth as fangs, and I tried to put all my hate into my eyes. And it really scared them. That's why they started coming onto me in large gangs. And every time they beat me to the ground, I thought to myself 'I've won'. Because they feared me."

He stares at me in shock, and I realise how hardly I've clenched my fists, how bloodthirsty I must look. I slowly draw breath, relaxing.

"There you go. That was the beast inside of me. And you don't have any choice. I always did."

He looks at me for a very long time, and then says slowly:

"Did you?"

And the world seems a little bit warmer.

"Remus? Oh, hi Alex, welcome back! What are you doing here? Snogging? Why didn't you invite me? That's so unfair!"

Note that he manages to say all this in one breath. There is a distinct smell of hair-spray and cologne about him.

"We were talking, Sirius." I smile icily. "You DO know how to talk, do you? There's a good dog!"

His grin doesn't even twitch. It just gets wider, as he lifts me up and carries me towards the kitchen.

"Let go of me, you jerk! Sirius! PUT ME DOWN!" I scream, hitting him wherever I can reach and biting his shoulder. He laughs.

"Remus! Help me!"

Looking over Sirius's shoulder, I find Remus at the floor immobile by laughter. The bloody git!

The door to the shower is opened, and James pokes out his head, at the same time as Pete opens the door to James's room, staring wildly at the scene. And then they both double over, laughing so hard that their legs fail them. I am going to kill them!

"Padfoot!"

"That's me, my lady" he states with that boyish grin of his.

"Let me down!"

"No, my lady."

"You are getting me really angry, Sirius..."  
"Ah, but you are so cute when you are angry!"

I slap him.

Jenny stares as we enter the kitchen, and then AT LEAST has the good grace of turning away before starting to laugh. I am getting serious problems with the corners of my mouth. They want to go upwards, and I want them to go downwards. I make a last, futile attempt.

"If you don't put me down right now, I..." I give up. I fall into a helpless fit of giggling, still hitting him feebly. "You... complete... arsehole..."

He laughs, gently letting me down. "Now, that was the password."

I am bent over by now. "What? Arsehole?"

"No. Laughter."

I throw a spoon at him, and then I turn to throw one at James and Peter, standing in the doorway. Which of course fails dismally. Damn Prongs's reflexes!

"You are bastards, you know that? And that includes you too, Remus, so don't smirk like that!"

"We know we are. That's our charm." Sirius fires of a dazzling smile. Damn him.

"Oh, yeah, you are all so irresistible. I camp outside your dormitory to be the first one who glimpses you all in the morning..."

"Knew you loved me Al."  
"...when you all look ten times worse than Severus Snape, you early birds."

Well, that took the air out of them. For the two seconds before they all once more bursts into laughter again, that is.

I shake my head, smiling fondly at these hopeless boys. Then, coming to think of something, I turn to Remus. "Moony? Weasels eat rats, right?"

"I think so..."

Peter goes a bit pale. "Okay, THAT made me nervous."

"Oh, you should be." I smile broadly at him. Then I fling out my arms, exclaiming to the world in general:

"God, it feels good to be home!"


	10. Passing time

Chapter ten 

Passing time (Huge, black puppies...)

"Look, guys, I really don't like boats, okay?"

"Al! You promised!" Big puppy-dog eyes. Well, he should be good at them.

"That was yesterday. Now it is today, and I really don't feel up to it."

"Come on!"

"Look, I... feel insecure."

"Alex, listen, if you're scared we won't go, right?" Remus, the sly bastard, naturally uses psychology. He knows how damn proud I am. Muttering, I step after them. The young wizard checking out tickets winks at us, and tells me that he will make sure that the captain does not fall asleep.

Well, that's reassuring.

I look out over the waves, trying not to think of that there's only the boat and nothing more between me and them. And then the vast depths.

I am a good swimmer. Yet the thought of nothing exept sea beneath me scares me. It's a matter of control. Or rather the lack of it.

"I don't like it either. I actually can't swim very well." Peter steps up beside me.

"Mhm... Why don't you tell them?"  
He blushes. "Nah... They would only tease me."

"If you don't like it, tell them to stop."

His does not look into my eyes. "Oh, I don't want to argue... They'd just think that I'm in the way..."  
"I wouldn't. And I can't imagine that they would either."

He just shakes his head, staring into the water. I can feel that he is uncomfortable with the whole situation. I was right. He is never going to be given strength by any of the boys; because he is never going to try to take it, and they won't give it spontaneously. So he has to get it elsewhere from.

"By the way, what was that about weasels eating rats?" He looks up as he speaks, clearly relieved that he has found something else to talk about. "Does Emily want to eat me, or what?"

Oops. Forgot he is not as stupid as he acts.

"No. It was just a deranged thought I got... It was nothing, really. I can promise you she won't even try to eat you. She likes you."

"She does?" He looks genuinely surprised. Oh, this is too easy!

"Yes, she does. She finds you mysterious." I grin at him. "You don't open up to people that often."

He blushes, looking down at his shoes. "Oh..." is all he manages.

Manipulative?

Hell yes!

"Hey, come on, up here!"

James waves from the second deck. Sirius has thrown himself into a chair, and is now basking in the sun, his shirt stuffed into his bag. I feel like bashing my head against something. Remus got some really strange looks from some of the girls entering the boat, due to the still nasty-looking scar going from temple to chin in his face, so I notice that he is now very pointedly hiding behind a book. The girls whisper amongst each other, then they all shrug, and settle back to stare at Sirius, giggling at every move he makes.

What's wrong with some people?

I and Peter walk up the stairs (well, the further away from the water, the better), finding ourselves chairs.

Sirius leans over to me, something that makes the girls look sorely disappointed. I am so not feeling sorry for them. "Can you shoot them for me?" he mumbles.

"What? Enjoy their admiration, Casanova!"

"I feel like a THING."

"Aww! It isn't always easy being beautiful, it seems."

"You've got absolutely no sympathy, do you?"

"None at all. Spend some time being called ugly by people, and you'll get why."

He sighs. "I guess. But I hate being stared at anyway."

"Alright, alright, I'll fix it."

I turn my head abruptly towards him, catching them all in a frosty glare. I make sure that my hand is resting lightly at Padfoot's chair.

They sullenly look away.

"There you go. Happy?"

"I am for ever thankful." He grins at me.

"Glad to hear it."

"Oh, and by the way..." he looks a bit awkward. "Could you please... That is... My birthday is tomorrow, and... I am going to have a birthday-dinner with a large part of my family. Mother invited you. Please, will you help me?"

I smile a vampire smile. "Off course. That would be my pleasure."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Maetona island is apparently a popular place to go during the holidays among wizards. We are only to stay for a day, but most people spend at least one night here, sleeping in tents or at the youth hostel.

The grown-ups stay at the beach, enjoying the sun, whilst we pick up a trail circling the island, and head off. It feels good to just be outside, enjoy the fresh air and the scent of sea.

We stroll downhill towards a natural beach, walking barefoot in the still quite cold water. Sirius and James keeps splashing around until Remus threatens to push them both into the water if they don't calm down. Some boys... Sigh.

We have walked for about a kilometre when we hear cries from a bit up the beach. As we round a rock, a boy – about ten years old – comes running up to us, obviously panicked.

"Help..." he leans forward, out of breath from running and shouting at the same time. "My brother is... out there..." He points with a trembling finger. About two hundred and fifty meters out in the water, clinging to a rock, a pathetic little shape is being tossed around by the waves. I think he tries to yell for help, but he is probably unable to keep the water out of his mouth for a long enough time.

Sirius starts tearing off his shirt, but Remus stops him, holding him back. "Sirius, don't be an idiot. How do you think the child got out there? Currents. You'll get sucked out, and then you'll both die!"

James looks like he is franticly trying to think. "And what if... Sirius went out in animagus-form?"

"Shush, you idiot! Not so loud!" I wave my hand at him. "And how should he take the child in, you think? By the scruff of the neck? Plus, you'd get the child more panicked than it already is."

"Then what shall we do?"  
"Run for help?" Peter suggests quietly.

"No time. Oh, you run James. You are the quickest. Get some people over here!"

"But Al... You could go as a bird..." Remus mumbles. "No-one would ever know..."

"No Remus. I have to stay here." I take out my wand from my pocket, biting my lip. "Go now, James!" He looks at me for two moments, then starts sprinting back. He turns of around the rock, and I think I hear a faint pop as he turns into a stag. I lift my wand towards the small shape.

"No, Alex, It won't work. He's too far away and too heavy, and you know we're not allowed..."

"I don't give a bloody damn, Peter! That is a child. That is all I have to know." I concentrate on the spell, letting it burn against the back of my mind. "Vingardium leviosa!"

The child, with a startled cry, slowly rises up of the water. The boys all stare at me in absolute wonder. I grit my teeth. And what now? "Accio child"? No, that won't work. It could be any child. I need to focus all my energy on this one.

"What's your brother's name?" I ask the older child, still keeping my eyes fixed on the hovering shape.

"Fuyad" he whispers.

"Accio Fuyad!" Oh, gods, let this work!

Slowly, the child starts moving. I imagine I can hear that he is crying loudly, from fear and chock and confusion, even though I know that it is impossible. The crash of the waves would drown it out.

"Wow, Alex, how can you..."

"Shut the fuck up, Sirius." I don't yell. It's a cold, crisp command. I have to stay focused.

Meter by painfully slow meter, I haul in the child, keeping every thought at the spell. I feel how my powers are starting to drain rapidly, my arms are shaking and my breath comes in short, painful gasps. When the child is only three meters away form the shore, I yell for Sirius to get him before he drops. My friend sprints out into the water, catching the small boy out of the air at the same time as I feel the spell slipping away from me, tuning into burnt-out ash in my mind. I fall to my knees, gasping for breath.

"Alex?" Remus bends down, putting a hand at my shoulder and staring worriedly at my face. "My god, you are pale as death! How are you?"  
"I'm fine... Just... drained me a bit... that's all..."

"Drained you a bit? Alex, I couldn't have done that. He must be eight years old, at least. Too heavy to bring in from that distance."

Peter stares at me with clear admiration, silent from wonder. Why am I not surprised?

Sirius comes up to us, carrying the still-sobbing child on his shoulders. The elder brother is crying now, and Sirius bends his knees to get in eye-level with him.

"You have been very brave" he tells him firmly, grinning encouragingly and ruffling his hair. "What's your name?"

"Muy..." The boy stares fixedly at the ground. "You really think I was brave?"

"Definitely. I know I am impressed!"

That boy is a gods-gift sometimes!

"Muy? Fuyad?!" A witch is running towards us over the sand, followed by James and his parents. Her eyes are red from crying, and when Sirius hands over her youngest son, she almost strangles him with her hug.

"What happened? Oh my god, are you alright?!"

Remus rises up. "Your son is perfectly alright. He was carried out by the currents. Alex here carried him in with a spell. I would advice that you give him some air." He ads with a friendly smile.

She laughs shakily, loosening her grip on her noticeably relieved son. "A spell? But surely this little girl..."  
"Oh yes, she could."

She stares at me, and my eyes are glued to the ground. Shyness, my nemesis. She stands like that for a very long time, I can feel her gaze upon me. Then, very quietly: "Thank you."

And then I can finally smile and look up. I don't say anything like "It was nothing." That kind of modesty would just be horribly insulting. It was the life of her child. That's not "nothing" dammit!

Then she turns to the other child, suddenly very stern. "Why are you here? I told you to keep close! Your brother..."

But now Sirius steps in, his arms crossed over his chest, anger making his eyes seem to darken to black. "The responsibility was not his. He is a child. You are the mother. You should've kept your eyes on them. You cannot blame him. How do you think he feels right now? He was almost as scared as his brother. Do not dare to take this out on him."

I swear I have never seen him this angry since the time I jumped out the window.

The mother stares at him for some seconds, before burying her face in her hands, starting to cry violently. "I'm... so sorry... so scared..."

James's parents take care of her, supporting her and telling her that they understand, that everything will be fine. Sirius takes Fuyad back in his arms, and Remus takes Muy by the hand, and we all head back for the boat. We are mostly quiet, exept for Fuyad giggling at Sirius making silly faces at him.

Everything feels just fine. It is always nice to know that you matter. That you are needed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I look like a vampire vamp from a B-movie. Eyes framed by black, wine-red lips, my perpetually pale skin. Hair pushed back from my face and forced into a complicated knot involving a lot of braids and stylish hair-pins. Black dress, black cape.

I also look several years older. Well... Anything for the show. I press the bell.

Some few seconds later, Regulus opens the door. He pales noticeably at the sight of me, keeping my last approach in dear memory, no doubt. He bows shortly, showing me the way in.

He stands staring out the window; his face gloomy, his posture tense.

"Sirius?"

He turns around. His mouth falls open.

"What?"

"What... have you done to my friend Alex?"

I laugh at him, entering the room and sending Regulus a cold, dismissing glance. He disappears.

"They styled me up a bit."

"You look... VERY different."

"You tell me. I feel like a vampire."

"Then you should fit in perfectly with this lot." He grimaces sourly, massaging his cheek. The skin shines red and sore.

"Now what is that?"  
"Mother did not appreciate me expressing what I felt about this little family get-together."

"Bitch."

He grins hollowly. "Couldn't have put it better myself."

"Is everybody in your family really that awful?"

"There's my grandfather and grandmother on my mother's side. Ghastly. On my father's side... Senile enough to be harmless. My cousins... Well, you know how they are. My aunts and uncles... Unbearable. And my mother's aunt and uncle... Awful as well, but at least a bit reasonable."

I feel a jolt at the pit of my stomach. Severus's grandparents! Shit. I bite my lip, hoping I won't let my tongue slip out of anger or malice.

There is the chime of the bell, and Sirius straightens up, sighing. "Now lets face these horrible beasts."

"I will have to a bit of acting. I hope you'll be able to take that."

"You're kidding me? I love it." He grins down at me, and I smile tightly, taking the rigid, proud pose that I am almost getting used to now.

I can hear people talking and laughing lightly in the hall, Sirius's mothers voice hovering over them all in supreme splendour. The voices approach, and the door flies open. They are quite a large group, almost all of them tall, black-haired and dark-eyed, with the exception of Narcissa, her just as blond mother, and the white-haired elders.

"Sirius." They all walk forward to him, shaking his hand ceremoniously. He nods at them, speaking their names through tightly pulled lips. His eyes are totally blank.

"And this is young Alexita Neidorsdaughter, of a very pure, northern line." His mother, Cassandra apparently, smiles graciously at my, like were my existence her own brilliant idea. I curtsey, looking each one square in the eye. Fortunately, me being dressed up like this prevents his cousins from recognising me. They must've caught some glimpses of the short, pale, quite unwashed girl that keeps hanging around with Sirius and his gang. But they do not connect her image with this... well, lady.

"A pleasure to meet you all." My voice is even and smooth, I keep all emotion from my eyes, even as they fall upon Julie's parents. They seem... broken. They lack a bit of the unfailing pride of the others. Severus voice echoes inside my mind.

..."The Black family does not look kindly upon those who step out of line."...

But they are still humans. What did it take out of these two to exclude their only daughter? And have they not regretted it bitterly, sometimes, when only the moon was there to see their tears? I feel my heart soften a bit, yet the anger is there. Julie, Julie... She could've lived a different life. She could've been spared the pain.

We all gather in the kitchen for dinner. I am thankfully seated at Sirius's left side, with one of his younger aunts on my right. She seem only interested in talking to Bellatrix, so I can ignore her. I talk quietly to Sirius, and we both manage to avoid any subjects that would rise suspicion.

Yet I take notice of all the conversations going on around me. It is immediately clear to me that the Black family is not the solid unit that they try to make it to look like. Under the surface, there are rivalries and old insults remembered in bitter silence.

Something that feels particularly obvious when Severus's grandmother points out to Sirius mother, in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"So I take it that you are no longer troubled by the rebellion of your eldest son." The grudging undertone in her voice is very badly hidden.

"No, no" comes the seemingly hearty answer. But Cassandra's eyes are icy. "He has regained his senses, much thanks to Alexita." And then she ads, malice playing in her eyes: "It is a pity that your daughter could not be saved the same way."

Touché.

And the words welling come before I can stop them. "Yes. I heard something about that. She choose a quite unfortunate match, did she not?"

All eyes dart over to me. Sirius looks stunned. I ignore them all, keeping my eyes at the old woman, caging her gaze with mine.

Cassandra answers before she can even open her mouth. "Indeed she did. The man she eloped with was from a highly disgraced family. You would not believe if I told you..."

"I guess not. So she was disgraced, and rightly so. Madam?" If there's any hope for them, they should hear the underlying question.

Julie's mother looks down.

"Yes. That's how it was."

Silence.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later, horribly unavoidable in a way I can't explain, I am left alone with Julie's father. He sends me a sharp look from underneath his thick, white brows.

"You are not what you claim to be." It is no question.

"I have my own secrets" I reply smoothly. "Every human does. And what these are is really none of your business."

"And you're clever. Too clever. Not a person to trust."

"Most certainly not. There are very few who are."

"You've learned that the hard way, I take it. So what do you know of my daughter?"  
"That she was excluded when she needed you the most." My voice is flat and hollow, a stating of facts.

"And do you really think that we turned away because he was of a disgraced family? We gladly would've taken the shame, if that was the only problem. But he was a raving madman! A drunkard, on top of that."

"Still is" I comment dryly. "So her need for you was even bigger. And because of that you turned away. I see."

He gives an annoyed hiss, turning away. "She refused our help! Called it useless pride; said we were blinded by tradition. Wouldn't listen."

"So you stopped trying." I shake my head at his back. "I think you missed out on the finer points of loving. Otherwise, you should've known it is something unselfish. Something that should be able to face the anger and lack of understanding from the loved one more than anything else. But you took the easy way out."  
He looks back, eyes filled with bottomless pain and bitterness. "Don't you think I know that?"

"I hope you do. It is not more than right that you should."

"And who are you to condemn? To judge?"  
My gaze do not waver, I stand fast. "One who holds your grandson very dear."

And his anger seeps out, like water through a broken dam. "My grandson?"

"You do know she's got a son, don't you?"  
"Of course I know. But I never had the chance to meet him, never even met someone who knows him..."

"Now you have."

"And he is not..."

"Like his father? No. But bitter. Very bitter and angry. And clever. Not a person to trust." I smile hollowly.

"Understandable. And Julie?" His voice quivers. He is scared, oh so scared, of what he might hear. Yet he has to ask.

"Broken" I tell him brutally. "Both in mind, body and soul. Denying, hurting, helpless in front of her husband. A slave."

He closes his eyes in pain. I continue without mercy. He has to know!

"He rapes her. Beats her. Treats her like a possession. Beats his son. Keeps him from seeing any other children of his own age. Except off course Alexita Neidorsdaughter, from a very pure, unknown house." I smile cynically.

He nods. The violent pride that marks the house of Black was long ago lost to him, along with his daughter.

"You are playing a more dangerous game than you know. One does not hoax Cassandra unpunished."

"I am not afraid. Not much scares me nowadays."

"Loosing young Sirius does."

Fuck. "How did you know?"  
"You have kept your friendship from my grandson from him, by some reason, since you obviously knew more than him about Julie. Right?"

I nod. No point in denying, and end up looking silly. "They hate each other. Arch-enemies. But it is not a matter of families."

"No, of course not. No matter how much Cassandra claims the opposite, Sirius will never give up his little rebellion. The family Black does not mean anything to him."

"Oh yes it does. It means lack of freedom and rights."

He shakes his head. "It is all so futile. Mark my words, he will end up either killed by them, or deeply unhappy. Or being one of them."

"No. He's strong."

"So was my daughter!"

"Yes. But she did not have anyone at her side. Sirius does."

"A liar."

"Yes, I am. But I still love him. And then there are other's. Believe me when I say that he will be just fine." I smile, shaking my head at him. "I do not blame you for loosing your faith. I do believe you loved your daughter, cared about her."

"Doesn't every parent?" He sighs, looking tired.

"No."

"No?"

"My mother only loved her hatred, my father only my body. And Severus's father loves no-one and nothing but himself."

"Nothing?"

"You did not actually think he could love Julie?"

"No, but maybe..."

"Severus? Hardly. He spoiled the opportunity when he cried at his mother being beaten. If he is not as his father, he cannot be loved by him. And Sev craves not the love of that man. Rather his life."

"I see. So he is a Black in many aspects."

"Probably. Poor boy."

"I think I can agree to that."

So we stand silent for some seconds, and I feel that there is nothing more that I can say to this man.

I turn and walk out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sirius is graciously permitted to walk me back. What it all comes down to, I think, as we stroll down the street, is the "Walk back where?". I mean, if she knew...

"How could you know about my mother's cousin anyway, Alex?"

I jump. "Oh, that... I heard some Slytherins talking. I put in my mind to remember it, since... well, it's obvious, is it not?"

"What is?"

He is damned be me going to know this! I want to see his face. "Well, because of her son, granted."  
"Her son? She's got a son?" He looks stunned.

"Didn't you know? That Severus Snape..."  
"What?!" He stumbles and falls from mere surprise, staring up at me. "You mean that I am related to..."

"Yes. And I am not that surprised. I mean, I went with Julie to my aunt. She looks very much like a Black."

"What, insane?"  
"No. Poor woman, probably has enough problems without having to look like you."  
"Hey!" He gets to his feet, brushing some dust of his clothes.

"Anyway... Don't EVER say anything about this to Snape, right?"

"'Bout what?"

"His mother."

"Why?"

I close my eyes, breathing deeply. "You can insult him, hit him, hex him, but don't you dare involve his parents in it. It's personal. It's none of your business. You JUST DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT!" Suddenly, I am shouting, annoyed by his stupid, confounded expression. He flinches, backing away from me. His eyes show how hurt he is, even though he keeps a straight face. I calm down.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. But look... Remember last year, that time when that girl from the seventh year... What was her name? Umbridge? Anyway, when she came with snide remarks about YOUR family. We had to SIT on you to keep you from killing her with your bare hands. That's what I am talking about. And when everybody was talking about MY family at school... You were ready to rip them all apart!"

"Yeah... Alright then. You're no fun."

"Nope. Deal with it."

He is quiet for a while, then: "Do you think I would be bothering James's parents if I slept over too? Bellatrix is staying, and she keeps pinching me and telling really gross bedtime-stories. And calling me baby-Black." He scowls.

"I think they'd be just fine with it. Plus, we need to have you out of your house tomorrow anyway."

"What for?"

"OUR birthday-surprise for you."

"Your what?"  
"Oh, come on Sirius! Of course we are going to celebrate you too!"  
"How?"

I laugh at his eager face. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now, would it?"

"Gods, Alex, that was so ugly!"

I grin at him. "Yep. I'm so proud of myself."

"Bastard!"

"Now, what a thing to say, Padfoot! I'm shocked with you. Shocked!"

He laughs, giving me a friendly hug.

"Yeah, right."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"This is so humiliating."

We laugh, leading his way. "That's the point, Padfoot" James explains smugly, prodding him in the back, making him stumble. I catch him, laughing at him looking so darn stupid, what with the blindfold, the pink wig and the loose-nose.

"Steady on, Sirius. We'll want you in one piece." I lead him forward, grinning sadistically at the other boys, who are all collapsing with helpless laughter.

"Well that's reassuring like hell, alri- DAMN!" His foot slides at the slippery bottom of the fountain I just led him into, and he goes crashing into the water. Remus fishes him out before he drowns, and we all laugh like mad. Sirius more than anyone else. Sometimes, he truly has to be loved. We get a lot of confused glances from the muggles around us, something that does not surprise me the slightest.

"Bachelor-party" I lie smilingly to an old lady staring particularly much at Sirius weird apparition, and we all snort with laughter.

"Lies and deceit!" Sirius tries to explain to a lamppost; we laugh even harder, and lead him on. Once in a while, we stop and spin him around, making sure he has absolutely no idea where he is.

And then we finally stop, after having made it to the outskirts of London. We rip the blindfold of.

"What in the world...?"

"That's a funfair, Sirius. Honestly. Your ignorance of the muggle world is appealing."

"I blame..."

"...it all on your unhappy childhood?"

"Yep."

I sigh, pushing him forward.

"Hey! I am perfectly capable of walking for myself, now that you so kindly have given me my ability of sight back. And you still haven't told me what this place is."

"It's the muggle idea of fun. Basically, it's all about being tossed around and dropped from heights. And eating a lot of sugar-based products."

"Sounds mental. Can I try it?"

I look at Sirius, eyes sparkling at the idea of some fresh insanity that he hasn't tried, to Remus, who is barely stifling his laughter, to James, who is looking just as childishly delighted as some of the seven-year-olds passing us, to Peter, who seems to be torn between excitement and well-hidden mortal fear, and I have to smile – though just as much out of exasperation as of fondness. "Why do you think we took you here, you ninny? Off course we are going to let you try, even though there is no knowing in what state this place will be when we leave it."

He grins, and Remus has to lean against a wall to prevent himself from collapsing with laughter. James looks impatient.

"Can anybody tell me why we are just standing here?"

"Oh, holy mother of bubblegum..." I roll my eyes, and then, addressing Remus: "We will have to buy the boy an ice-cream, dear, or he will never shut up when we are in there."  
Remus smiles broadly. "Maybe we should just drop him off at the day-care lady who tends to the small children?"

"If you don't shut up" James growls "I am going to hex you both in front of all these muggles, and then I am going to blame all the trouble I get into on you."

"And I am certain that your mother will share your views" I most amiably tell him. "Now come on, will you guys?"

I meet no objections on this point, and we all join up in line. After ten minutes of wait, during which I notice Sirius and James becoming more and more fretful – give me strength! – we finally enter, and the expectations of a wonderful day together with my friends almost makes me break down in spontaneous, joyful laughter. Fortunately, I manage to disguise it as a fit of coughing. Honestly, I have my dignity to think of!

Sirius – off course – immediately manages to find the most intimidating attraction of them all. Hardly surprising, but a bit inconvenient. I can see from the look on Peter's face, that he hadn't expected to tackle something like this just yet. Resolving that he should have to try some less horrifying experiences to start with, so that he will have a chance to gain some confidence, I declare that I am not going anywhere near that thing so shortly after breakfast. Seeing Sirius's disappointed look, I have to smile, telling him that sure, you can go by yourselves, but can't you please stay and keep me company, Peter? Sending me a look of pure thankfulness, he manages the acquired display of reluctance, before giving in, with splendour, and the other boys expect nothing. Well, with Remus obviously excluded. He seem at firs inclined to stay with us, but finally follows Sirius and James, "to make sure those nutcases won't tear thing down" as he puts it. Tss... Whatever he wants to call it, he looks almost as exited as his two friends, before they disappear in the crowd.

I had not expected Peter to thank me, this is embarrassing enough as it is for him, but he pays for my ice-cream as a way of showing his appreciation. We eat in companionable silence, when I hear a voice that I though I would NEVER have to endure again.

"Well, look who it is... Alexita! Such a pleasure to meet you again!"

I slowly turn around, seeing those hateful brown eyes that has followed me into so many nightmares, shining with menace. Still tall, still auburn-haired, still too pretty to be allowed for such a low creature, still giving the impression of regarding people with her make-up rather than her eyes, still flanked by Amanda, Charles and Jonathan...

"Rebecca."

"Heard your father had been put into jail. Always suspected him to be a nutter. After all, he seemed to LIKE you."

Well, that was some news. Dumbledore had ensured me that my father should be "taken care of", but I had never understood the full extent of it. Didn't want to have anything to do with it, to be honest.

"And who is this? Your boyfriend?" She turns her make-up toward Peter. "Most certainly equally ugly, at least."

I see the realization of who this girl is flash through Peter's blue eyes, and to my great wonder, I see them flame with sudden anger.

"So this is that idiot you spoke of, Alex?" He asks me conversationally, regarding her with open critique. "Funny. I actually thought she was pretty."

WHAT?! Who the bloody hell is this person, and what has he done to my friend Peter? I can only give him a swift, thankful smile right now, but I am so damn proud of him that I could almost laugh out loud.

Rebecca, on the other hand, seems far from wanting to laugh. Her thick eye-liner turns her eyes into two black lines, as they narrow dangerously.

Amanda, running to her leader's aid: "How sweet. The baby-boy is defending his girlfriend. Run home to your mummy, will you, before we decide that we've lost all our patience with you."

Charles and Jonathan laughs, and Rebecca once more is perfect in her composure, giving her minion a graceful smile.

"Where did you go, by the way? Pray tell, did they finally expel you for intoxicating the air in the classrooms with your putrid smell, or was it just that they grew tired of having your ugly face around?"

I withdraw all my feelings to that cabinet of ice that I keep at the very bottom of my heart, letting the role that I've played in front of these people take me in position, utterly and without a trace of what I was just some minutes ago.

"On the contrary they found that, just as any human has really nothing much to learn in the company of pigs, I had nothing more to learn in the your charming company. No, wait, I take that back, being as it is horribly unfair towards any pig to be in any way deemed equal to you."

Peter smiles, Rebecca's perfect complexion pales from anger, Amanda seems out of words. Charles and Jonathan each takes a threatening step towards us.

"And so I gather that you ended up where everyone is just as ugly as you. Does it feel good to be accepted? Well, let me tell you that amongst us normal people, freaks like you will always be treated with the disgust you deserve.

"If being normal means lowering oneself to your level..."

"...I rather take that disgust any day." I coolly finish Peter's sentence. Suddenly, Jonathan moves. Before I have any time to react, Peter is being shoved to the ground. I can see him hitting his head on a bench, before I am shoved towards a wall by Charles, breathing garlic into my face.

Amanda's triumphing voice: "Let's celebrate our reunion."

"Alex! What in the world is happening?!"

"Another pathetic, ugly friend of yours?" Rebecca wonders, turning around.

Charles loosened his grip a bit at the intrusion of the new voice, something that enables me the pleasure of seeing all blood leave Rebecca's face at the sight of the black-haired demigod that now enters the scene, closely followed by two other tall, handsome boys.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?" Sirius demands aggressively, taking in the sight of the four strangers, me shoved up against a wall, and Peter, trying to stop the flow of blood sipping from a gash in his forehead.

"What's that got to do with you?" Jonathan wants to know, but is prevented from uttering anything else by a furious glance from Rebecca's make-up

Sirius regards him with disbelief. "Because one of my best friends is shoved up against a wall, and another is bleeding at the ground, that's why! Are you dumb, or what?"

Jonathan growls, stepping forth, but Amanda puts a hand at his shoulder to stop him. She clearly doesn't want to get in trouble with these boys more than necessary.

"It's Alex's old schoolmates" Peter explains, getting helped to his feet by James. "The bullies."

"Oh, really?" Sirius's voice becomes low and dangerous, and now it is evident what family he belongs to. Nothing is as scary as a pissed-off Black. Charlie uneasily lets go of me, backing off.

Amanda, queen of right-words-at-the-right-occasion: "She's nothing anyway. Just some freaky kind of whore. Why do you bother?"

And before Sirius or James even gets the chance to move, Remus has slammed her up against a wall. "You are never to call her that, ever again! Do you hear me?" His voice is kept low, but it quivers in barely suppressed anger. I see his eyes flash with his own, Remus's, anger, as well as the anger of something else, something dangerous, something wild, something ANIMAL. Amanda whimpers.

Slowly relaxing, Remus backs off, regarding her with cold, open contempt. "Don't throw stones in a glasshouse. YOU shouldn't be speaking of whores, if half of what I have heard about you is even near to the truth, something I find no reason to doubt. Now go. Get out of our sight."

And they leave, casting us furious glances as they do so, but too intimidated to do anything else.

"I can't believe that there EXISTS as big gits as that!" James stares after them, shaking his head in wonder.

I think of Severus, and do not answer. How can they not see, how can they avoid understanding? Instead, I turn to Peter, holding a serviette against his head to stop the blood. "Thanks for helping me against them Pete. You were great." I smile at him. He blushes, looking at his feet.

"That goes for you as well" I say, turning to the others. "Thank you."

James smiles back, giving me a quick hug. Sirius pensively regards Remus. "Hey, Moony...?"

"Moon waxing." He is massaging his wrists, not looking up at us.

"Oh."

An uncomfortable silence falls, until Remus suddenly looks up, smiling. "Come on. We're here to have fun, you know."

"Yeah." Sirius grins. "Let's have some fun."

And then we all laugh. Just for the sake of laughing, really.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We spend the day indulging in fooleries and nonsense, such as is generally the case of the doings of our little group when left to enjoy ourselves. As we leave the place, there is not an attraction which hasn't been beyond estimation abused; not a piece of junk-food or candy which has not been tasted and thrown at one of us or – even worse, and exactly the case quite frequently until Remus threatened to make reality of his words about the day-care centre – at complete and utter strangers; not a ghost in the Haunted House that hasn't endured a world of censure for looking not the least like any ghost yet known.

We did the great mistake to let James loose at the gaming-corner. He at once was drawn to the much appreciated sport of hitting piles of empty tin-cans with a ball, and managed to win three times in a row, before he was kindly asked to leave. As a punishment for our ignorance, we had to put up with his big, self-satisfied grin, and on top of that, endure dragging his prices along. We managed to attract quite much attention by being in the company of three huge, black plush-puppies.

Sirius at the end of his day proclaims himself beyond doubt contented; I sigh, Remus shakes his head, yet we both exchange smiled behind our friend's back, and we both know that, although not so expressive in our praise, we are just as happy with the day passed.

As I enter my room a the end of the day, weary to the bone, but still smiling broadly to myself, I notice something that startles me quite a bit, even though something else was hardly to be expected.

My African Amiosa-plant is blooming.

I put down the plush-puppy in my hand on my bed, and step closer, pulling away the curtains to allow some light inside. The blossoms look quite different from each other. I examine a red lily, with and emerald-green centre, that seems to glow faintly with a comforting, warm light, and I get the feeling of recognition...

Well, it has to represent Lily, for sure! Smiling at my own stupidity, I move on to the next one. A small, vividly blue flower, which gives of the feeling of it smiling warmly up at me. Emily.

The next one a shy, pale-blue bud, not at all as developed as the other flowers. Peter, without any doubt. I sigh. The sight of the nondescript bud, seemingly scared to face the light from the window, fills me with silent melancholy.

Following it comes two closely entwined flowers, one dark-red rose, the other a delicate, white-streaked-with-gold violet; both of which gives of the feeling of home and comfort. Mrs and Mrs Potter.

Quite close to their flowers is one whose light-red petals surround a golden centre. I smile broadly. I bet James would be pleased to know that his flower goes in the Gryffindor colours. The following flower is a very delicate one. The amber-coloured petals are almost transparent, and the light falling through them makes them glow in a way that reminds so much of Remus's eyes that I cannot but smile even wider.

The one at its side owns a slight, fragile appearance. Light yellow, big, silky petals forming the shape of a bell. They surround a deep, deep red centre, and some light streaks of red spills out on the petals. It looks like it is bleeding. Julie.

All these flowers form an almost perfect circle, surrounding three others. Two of them are on the first glance black, a second reveals that one of them – with the flower the shape of a tulip, but with its head bowed like the one of a lily – is rather a very dark, purplish blue. The other one is truly black. A black orchid.

Both of them are turned away from each other.

Well, it certainly fits. I sigh, wishing things to be a lot simpler than they are.

The last flower is a white orchid, much smoother in its construction than its black companion, deepening into a pale-blue against it's centre. This flower offers me some puzzlement, until I realize that it probably represents me.

I slowly reach out my finger to touch it. As I feel the velvet of the petals against my fingertips, I also feel a wave of comfort settling in my chest, and I get the impression of sunshine and water, of safety, of a peculiar sort of affection, that might not be called love, but comes very close; the impression of a green, living pulse, of days of growing and living, days of simply being.

I am not as startled by this as I have the feeling that I should be. A warm, strong complacency holds me in its power, and I suddenly feel all my drowsiness returning. Gently stroking the strange plant one last time, I once more pull down the curtain. I put out the bedside-light and throw my clothes off, then crawl into bed.

I fall asleep with the diffuse feeling of someone watching me, lulling me and filling my head with thoughts of nothing.

Nothing but sunshine and the feeling of safety.


	11. A pleasant enough surprise

Chapter Eleven  
A pleasant enough surprise (Introducing Baz...)  
  
The messages flashing across the black sign occupy my quite diverted attention enough for me not to grow all too bored.  
"THIS IS PLATFORM 9 ¾ AND THE TIME IS 08:48 AT THE 1:ST OF SEPTEMBER. IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWHERE OR ANYTIME ELSE, KINDLY CONTACT OUR INFO-WIZARDS FOR ADVICE THE TRAIN WILL LEAVE THE PLATFORM IN 12 MINUTES PLEASE MAKE SURE TO KEEP A LOOKOUT OVER YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS, SINCE THE THIEF IS ALWAYS IDLE WHEN YOU ARE NOT PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT NO MAGIC IS ALLOWED ABOARD THE TRAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE A CERTAIN PERMISSION DISPOSING OFF YOUR GARBAGE AT THE FLOOR IS AN ACTION OF NONCHALANCE, THAT W I L L COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU..."  
The latter message is proved by a candy-wrapper jumping up from the floor and starting on the mission of trying to stuff itself into James's ear, until he finally grabs it and throws it into a dustbin. His mother scolds him, his father smiles, and the rest of us regard the scene with philosophical calm.  
The platform is already filling up with students, sisters and brothers, cats, owls, toads and parents. I wave at a blond girl making her way through the crowd with a face of building irritation. She looks surprised, and it is probably that which makes her acknowledge my greeting with a nod, before catching herself and stomping away.   
"O-o's that?" Sirius inquiry is mildly complicated by a great yawn.  
"Petunia, Lily's sister."  
"Ah... A real bundle of sunshine, is she not?"  
"The wizarding world grates on her nerves. Fancy being a muggle yourself, and getting to know that your sister is a witch. Enough to make a person horribly jealous."  
"I see..." He leans back against his trunk looking bored. Uh-huh. Not good.  
I notice Severus just a second before him, and therefore, when his gaze fixes on his arch-enemy, I am able to withhold him from anything stupid by putting a hand at his shoulder.  
"Not this early in the morning, Sirius. Show him that you – at least – have a feeling of common decency."  
To myself, I confess this sentiment to be quite laughable, as Severus DEFINITELY has a greater sense of decency than Sirius, even if the latter does have more of a feeling for what is right and what is wrong, than does the former.  
But Sirius nods, maybe not in agreement, but at least in obedience. I am ever thankful. It IS really too early in the morning for me to be able to handle something like that.  
The journey at the Express passes without much commotion, and I am even able to steal some minutes together with Severus, something that we both value very much. When we arrive at Hogwarts, the skies are throwing something that reminds very much of the Pacific Ocean into our heads, but the general spirit is cheerful in spite of these miserable conditions, and we enter the Great Hall under much laughter and cheerful exclamations over how absolutely soaked through we all really are. Or in mine and Sirius case, a just as cheerful exchanging of insults and general bickering. Looking around, I notice that I cannot spot Anna anywhere. Sitting down by the table, I make Violet an inquiry on this subject, which she answers by staring down into the table.  
"She's gone."   
"Gone?"  
"To France, with her family. She's to go to Beauxbatons." She seems really uncomfortable. With the subject, with being lonely, with speaking, with speaking to ME in particular, with people actually watching her. Watching her as a whole person, not just some kind of diffuse out-growth on Anna. Ever present, ever unimportant.  
"Oh... Oh, I'm sorry."  
She looks up, dubious. I can see the question in her eyes. Why would YOU be sorry that she is gone?  
"She was so good a friend of yours" I clarify. No idea to pretend that I would actually miss Anna. But I feel sorry for Violet. She must be scared to death.  
"Yes..." She falls quiet, awkwardly staring at her empty plate. I leave her to the attentions of Alice, who has spotted someone that she can take care of, and is only SO happy to do so.  
I notice Sirius lips moving, forming the words "Thank you God!" and I grin at him. Well, I understand that he's thankful. The Fanclub being ever present around him has been really grating on his nerves, as well as mine. Having Anna gone, it will hopefully die out, or at least not be as persistent as it used to be.  
I lean my head against the table, suddenly feeling how much the trip has drained me. In the background, I can hear the song of the Sorting-Hat, but I cannot make out any of the words. The background creates a comfortable buzz, that lulls me into some sort of complacent half-slumber. Something that makes the surprise when James digs his elbow into my ribs all the more nasty.   
"What?"  
"You've got a new girl in your year. Over there." He points, and I follow with my gaze. At the end of the line of first-years, a much taller shape can be distinguished.   
"Won't it be a bit lop-sided if she ends up in Ravenclaw or something?"  
"Yeah. But it can't be helped. She has to be sorted. Or do YOU want a Slytherin in your class?"  
"Depends on what type of Slytherin."  
"The Malfoy-type?"  
"Ugh. Passing on that one."  
He grins, nodding at McGonagall, stepping forth with her list.  
"Affelaby, Indra!"  
"RAVENCLAW!"   
"Axelsen, Tina!"  
"HUFFLEPUFF!"  
"Bazindskja, Alezandra!"  
She is actually almost as tall as Sirius, with frizzy reddish-blond hair, glasses, and a myriad of freckles. Her way of moving is gentle and shy, her eyes quickly dart around the room, shining from curiosity. She is not what you would call classically pretty, but there is a warmth in her uncertain smile and a brightness to her eyes that is very catching. She sits down with a sort of clumsy elegance, pulling the hat over her wild hair with some effort. There is a very brief pause, and then...  
"GRYFFINDOR!"  
We all stand up and applaud, and James does thumbs-up and grins at me. Well, Anna was reckoned a Gryffindor as well, so I don't take that as guarantee for Alexandra being pleasant. The way she smiles at us as she joins us at the table, on the other hand...  
She sits down between Remus and Violet, opposite of me, and we all nod friendlily at her, and then go back to watch the sorting.  
As the hat is being carried away, we once more turn our attention to Alezandra. I lean over the table to shake her hand.  
"Hi. I'm in the same year as you. I'm Alexita Neidorsdaughter."  
"But you can call her Al." Sirius points out. I grab an empty plate and bash him over the head with it. Unfortunately, at the exact moment as is makes contact with his head, the spell over all the crockery works, and in the next moment, Sirius is engulfed in a hot flood of shepherds pie.   
Alezandra looks shocked, and she is apparently fighting against an impulse to giggle. Remus, handing the laughing Sirius some twenty serviettes, smiles reassuringly at her. "This happens quite frequently, really. The day the two of them are not fighting each other is probably on the funeral of either or both. We are getting used to it. I'm Remus Lupin, by the way, and the one under all the pie is called Sirius Black, and those two who are laughing themselves to pieces are James Potter and Peter Pettigrew."  
"Well... As you heard, I'm Alezandra Bazindskja, but since that breaks your tongue, I am usually called Baz."  
"Better than Al" I mutter darkly, sending James and Peter into new bursts of laughter. Sirius, trying to prevent the pie from getting under his robes, fortunately doesn't hear. Seeing his pathetic struggles, I take pity over him.   
"Scrougify."  
He looks just a tad sheepish. "Oh damn... I had forgotten we're allowed to use magic here."  
"Idiot." I smile fondly at him, avoiding the potato sent in my direction. Then we both try to look as innocent as possible as one of the prefects furiously inquire who the prat is who is throwing food at him.  
Now Baz obviously is not able to push down her laughter. She leans back, eyes glittering with amusement as she regards mine and Sirius power-struggles with interest. I smile at her, shoveling up some food at my plate. She really seems promising. Open, gentile, immediately captivating in her easy, friendly manners.  
And somewhere at the back of my mind, traveling like a slight tingle down my spine, is the feeling that she is to play a big part sometime in my future. And I think I'm just fine with it. Really.

It came as no surprise when our letters arrived, that Remus had been elected as a Gryffindor prefect, nor did any of us wonder at seeing Lily's robes adorned by that silver badge. And since this means that she is authorized as well as obliged to report to the teachers about any fights, and in that way might get them to take house-points from the perpetrators, Sirius and James have gotten one more obstacle when it comes to harassing Severus.  
I have absolutely no sympathy with them. Especially as I see how much Sev actually tries to just keep out of their way for my sake.  
Yet it still happens. Well, nothing can really stop them, it seems. But it becomes evident that they now have one more person opposing them in their actions...  
We are on our way to the Potions-class, Emily, Baz and me, when the corridor is suddenly blocked by a crowd. I can hear Sirius's voice, intermingled by swearwords spoken by Severus.  
"Oh no. Not AGAIN!" I groan, leaning against the wall. Emily looks dismayed as well. But Baz keeps walking, slipping through the crowd. The next second, I can hear her voice.  
"Will you please put down your wand, Sirius?"  
She sounds a trifle sad and disappointed, but otherwise, the words are spoken very calmly.  
"Baz?"  
He sounds so shocked by HER interrupting, and I can almost see his dumbstruck face.  
"You heard me."  
The next second comes a slight gasp from Sirius, and then:  
"Give that back!"  
"You wouldn't put it away. Will you please move on? You are blocking the corridor." The last words are obviously spoken to the crowd. Sounds like she simply took his wand from him. Well, he was hardly expecting it, something she obviously made use of.  
And the crowd slowly dissolves, leaving only the persons in its centre. Severus is locked against the wall with a hex, James seems to have forgotten that HE still has got his wand, staring open-mouthed at the girl facing his friend. Sirius seems at loss of words, but he is clearly quite angry.   
"Well, don't you just stand there James. Get him loose."   
James dumbly looks down at his wand. I loose my patience.   
"Liberum!"  
And he is loose. I can see him twitch at the sound of my voice, and he glances in my direction. His face is like a mask. It betrays nothing.  
Baz walks up to him. "You alright?"   
Severus turns his head away. Looking concerned, she lifts her hand to touch his arm. He backs away, hissing.  
"Don't touch me, filth!"  
And in a flurry of dark robes, he is gone. Baz looks forlorn.  
"Did I do something wrong?"  
"No. That's the way he is." Emily pensively explains, avoiding to look at both me and the boys. Diplomatic. You have to give her that.  
"Who made you prefect?" Sirius demands to know. Baz turns around, finding someone to vent out her hurt feelings on.  
"I am not a prefect. But I am human!"  
And she is running down the corridor, not heeding to Emily's call for her to wait.  
"Wow, that was very tactful, Padfoot." I comment dryly.  
"What? She had nothing to do with that!"  
"Well, that's your opinion. She obviously had another one. That was no reason whatsoever to hurt her. She just did not like what you were doing, and put a stop to it."   
"How come you always take his side?"  
"I'm not taking anyone's side except Alezandra's. I think that was exceptionally unnecessary."  
"I really said nothing."  
"Maybe so. But it was the you said "nothing" in, I believe. You could SEE that Snape had just hurt her, and to then act in such an unfriendly manner... Off course she was even more hurt. She only tries to do what she thinks is right, and ends up having everybody hating her. And it's only her second week here! How do you think she feels?"   
Now he is actually blushing slightly, looking at his feet. "Didn't think of it like that."  
"I know you didn't, Sirius" I tell him gently, stepping up to him and putting a hand at his shoulder. "You wouldn't have done it then. Don't you think I know you well enough to realize that? Just talk to her, tell her that you're sorry, and everything will be fine. Okay?"  
He sighs. "Alright. But I am not apologizing for giving that git what he deserved."  
Something inside me seizes up and for two seconds, I feel like hitting him. But I fight the urge, keeping my voice calm. "I didn't say anything about that. But she may continue to break up your fights. Try to be a bit civil to her then, alright?"  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He grins. "Coming, James?"  
And both of them are gone, hurrying up the corridor towards the stairs.  
Emily swears loudly. "Now this is just fine! We are already late, and we have to find Baz, who could be anywhere! Plus, I feel highly inclined to kill all three of those ever-fighting morons. I'm sorry, Alex, but what Severus said to Baz was so totally nasty..."  
"I know." I rub a hand over my eyes. "But there is nothing to be done about THAT. It's so natural a way to react for him. And I know I would've done the same thing."  
"Well, I can't say I like it more just because of that. But what shall we do now?"  
"You tell professor Black that Baz was feeling ill, and that I went with her. I'll find her."   
Emily nods, starting off towards the classroom. I watch her go, weary and tired.

The marauders-map tells me that Baz is outside by the lake, so that's where I go. She looks very lonely, sitting curled up in a ball at the foot of an old, gnarled tree. The gray light falling from the cloudy sky makes her hair seem almost as white as mine, whipping around her head in the wind, and her face seems to be carved from ivory. Her black, wide robes makes her body slightly resemble that of a wounded crow.  
"Baz."  
She looks up, and I can see she has been crying. The brown eyes are lined with red, and traces of tears glisten on her cheeks.  
"Alex." I cannot hear her whisper over the wind, but I can see her lips move. I sit down beside her.  
"How are you?"  
Her face contracts, as she is overwhelmed by a sob. "I was... only... trying to... help..."  
"We know that, Baz." I gently tell her.  
"But..."  
"I am sure Severus meant no harm. He is just a bit unsociable and taciturn. It's best to just leave him alone."  
She looks so forlorn and helpless. "I don't want anyone to be angry at me" she mumbles, biting her lip.   
"No one is angry with you."  
"Sirius..."  
"No, Baz, he is not. He was just a bit... unbalanced right then. He was really sorry to have hurt you. You will see."  
She plucks with the hem of her robe, staring out over the lake. "What they did was wrong" she says, almost as a manner of defending her own actions.   
"Yes Baz. It was."  
"Why didn't anyone stop it?"  
I sigh. "That's just the way of people. As long as it doesn't happen to them, they recon it's amusing."  
"But... It's wrong. Why didn't you...?" She wants to believe me better than them, wants to think I have a god reason, I can tell from the pleading gaze she is giving me.  
"Can you keep a secret?"  
She flinches. "Please don't. I hate keeping secrets. It feels bad. Almost like lying."  
I nod. "Then I respect that. But I cannot tell you why then. I would be too complicated. But will you trust me when I say that I've got a good reason?"  
She gratefully nods, smiling through the tears. Oh, god, how naïve this girl is! But there are a lot worse failings that the human nature can be afflicted with than that. Being naïve usually doesn't hurt anyone but yourself.  
"But now we're late for class!" She suddenly exclaims, eyes widening in horror. I cannot but smile, rising up and helping her to stand.  
"It's okay. Emily has told professor Black that you weren't feeling well, and that I went with you."   
"But" she looks a trifle unsure "isn't that like lying?"   
"Not the least. Were you feeling well?"  
"Well... no, but..."  
"And I followed you. You see. No lie in that. Now come. We don't want to be gone more than necessary."  
She nods in agreement, and we hurry up towards the castle, crouching as we face the power of the autumn wind. It feels good to be around this fragile, beautiful-minded girl. It's like protecting a small animal or a new-born babe. It makes you feel good about yourself. And yet, the feeling is not totally selfish. You truly want to help and support, you truly enjoy seeing her trust you. Just like she is so very unselfish in her great need to be of help. She is a true romantic, and more than a little childish and naïve, but despite that, even an ultimate cynic like me can appreciate her many virtues. It's really very hard to dislike her.  
In this moment, I for the first time feel what can be described as true motherly feelings. Nobody is to hurt this wonderful being if I can help it, if I am so going to shield her with myself, in every manner possible! It's quite overwhelming for so selfish a person as me to feel something like this. Never in my life I have felt so strong an inclinement to protect; it has always been me who has had to be protected. The Marauders were my saviors, and gratitude is what has founded our friendship. And even though I in a manner has "saved" Severus, we are always equal in everything. But this is the feeling that I suspect that one feels toward a child or a younger sister or brother. The feeling of being superior, yet needing, protective yet depending. I want to take her under my wings and shield her from the world and its cruelties. And this is what I resolve to do. I will try not to hold too tight, to smother her with my will to keep her safe, but I'll be damned if I am not always going to be there for her. There. That is a promise.

I am eight years old. I never had any curves to talk about, and off course, at this early age, my body is a child's and nothing else. Yet there are those hands, fumbling over my nipples, over my stomach, over my back, over my behind, over... into...  
I fight not to press my eyes shut, not to hyperventilate, not to tense, not to in any way give away the fact that I am awake. Under his hands, my skin grows dirty, diseased, impure. I am ashamed, mortified, but I cannot understand why. It is just... just...  
Wrong.  
I can hear him groan behind me, breathing heavily into my ear. Faster and faster. And then he trembles, and something sticky and warm runs down my back.  
I remember mother saying something – when I was younger and a nice person that she could like – something diffuse about Bad Men, and I am so very, very scared.  
And then he is gone.  
And then he is there again. And I am older, and now I am not to escape so easily, I know that. He has already done it two times and I tense and his hands and his hot breath and someone help me and I am on my hands and knees and no not THERE and oh god it hurts and and and...  
And as he turns me over, afterwards, there is someone else there, reeking of alcohol and sour sweat. Severus's dad.  
They talk together, saying something about sharing. And hands, hands all over me, bearing with them the pestilence of shame and guilt and futile anger and a loneliness big enough to fill this whole universe, to break its boundaries and engulf even the outskirts of the human imagination.   
It's fine. Severus will save me, just as he did the last time...  
Right?  
But no-one comes. I am left at their will, in a universe of pain. No-one comes. I am on my own again, and as I feel them inside me again and again, I can hear my classmates laughing, their voices cold and high-pitched, haunting me even as I put my hands over my ears and scream and scream and scream.  
And the agony won't seem to stop...  
  
And I am awake.  
Trembling, tears streaming, gasping for breath, I lie curled up as a fetus at the foot-end of my bed. These nightmares are tearing me down, draining me so totally...  
God, Severus, why are you not here? I feel that I need you tonight. I need to feel your presence and know that you understand. But of course, that is impossible. The thought of a two year older, Slytherin BOY here almost coaxes my lips into a smile, until a sob flushes even this little sparkle of mirth away, leaving me as dismayed and in desperate need of solace as when I woke up.  
I won't be able to fall asleep. The mere thoughts makes my stomach contract, and I am so very scared of dosing off even the slightest bit, that I tense every muscle, screwing up my eyes in fear and determination to keep awake.  
This won't work. I've got school tomorrow, and I am so very, so desperately tired already. I NEED some sleep.  
I remember when I was about five or six. I always used to creep over to my mother and father's bed when I woke up in the middle of the night, usually from nightmares. Now... No, that wouldn't work.  
Would it?  
Oh, I couldn't care less how it looks! Rolling quietly out of bed, I slip out the door, down the stairs into the common-room, up the other stair-case. Into the fifth-year boy's dormitory. I stop a moment in indecision. With James, things would only get horribly awkward, Peter wouldn't be able to talk with me for a week, and Sirius...  
I blush. Definitely not Sirius.  
Nodding to myself, I slip over to Remus's bed. He will understand. He won't be awkward about it. He will know how to act.  
I sit down at the edge of his bed, gently prodding him.  
"Moony?"  
He moves slightly.  
"Moony?"  
He opens one eye, trying to focus his gaze on me. "If that is you, Sirius, I am so going to..."  
"No, I'm not Sirius."  
He sits up, blinking in surprise. "Wing? What are you doing here?"   
"Nightmare. Can't sleep."  
First, he looks uncomprehending. Then he smiles, slowly and gently, and everything is fine again. I am safe.  
"Well, come then..."  
He makes place, and I creep down under the blanket. The bed is big enough to give us both room, yet I can feel the warmth that signals his presence, and my whole body relaxes. Before I have time even to say a word of thanks, I am asleep.

"Alex? Alex, you have to wake up now."  
I open my eyes. Remus sits by my side, smiling as me. At first, I cannot for the life of me remember where I am. But then it all comes back. The nightmare...  
I shudder, coaxing my self up in sitting position.  
"Do you want to talk about it? You know, it usually helps to drive it away."  
I draw my legs up, hugging them. I look down at myself, and I know that those hands have touched me and that the marks from them are still there. Invisible, but still there. The memory of the dream sits like some kind of clogging, sticky substance in my throat, blocking out all my words.  
"I... cannot. So disgusting..."  
I close my eyes to black out his expression of sympathy and utter powerlessness, as he understands what I mean.  
"Oh, god Alex..."  
"I'm... fine... Moderately."  
"My ass you are. As you said, you never get used to being forced into things. Not even in dreams. Don't you think I know that?"  
I sigh, letting go of my self-control and gently starting to weep. And he holds me, whispering meaningless words of comfort. When I am all cried-out, he leans back, looking down at me with a stony expression to his eyes.  
"I swear, Alex, if I ever meet that man, I am going to... bite his throat open. And I really dislike biting."  
Well, he would.  
But to hear words like these from Remus makes my world feel a bit lop-sided. I smile. "God, Remus, don't do that to me."  
"Do what?"  
"Every time I hear something like that from you, the world starts doing cartwheels. You are supposed to be the sensible one."  
"It's unfair" he says, pretending to pout "why should Padfoot and Prongs have the sole right to nonsense?"  
I laugh and he laughs with me. The world is really quite a nice place, after all.  
"Okay, how am I going to interpret THIS situation?" James asks in an amused tone of voice, standing by the end of the bed. Sirius looks a bit...unsettled? James seems to notice. "Alex, you horrible woman, now you've made Padfoot jealous!"  
Two seconds of silence, and then...  
"Don't make yourself dumber than you are" Sirius says with a crooked smile, and everything is back to normal. Phew. For a second, I was almost worried.  
I throw a pillow at James, more out of habit than anything else. "I had a nightmare, so I decided to go bother one of you. It turned out to be Remus."  
"Oh." James immediately goes serious, sitting down. "But you're fine now?"  
"Yes. I think I am."  
"Was it... Was it on of THOSE dreams?"  
I nod.  
Sirius swears. "Damn, Alex, if I ever meet that man..."  
"You are going to bite his throat open?" I suggest with a half-smile.  
"Nah, I was going to say that I would curse his arse all the way to China. Or further. Like Jupiter or something. I mean, what have the Chinese done? But that was a pretty good idea, though. Wherever did you get that from?"  
I look at Remus, and we both start to laugh.  
"Nonsense it was..." he gasps, grinning.  
"Yeah... That's how it goes when you... when you let... your animal away with you..." I manage. What really is so damn funny, I don't think either of us knows. But it feels good to let the laughter out. And that's really all that matters.

It all consists of those small insults, disguised as compliments and false "friendly advice", I notice, regarding the scene in front of me in rapt attention. Those kind of things never worked at me, Rebecca soon found out, since I always hit back when attacked. Didn't feel conscious about it, since it could hardly get worse. But with Violet, on the other hand, this is the perfect method.  
She evidently sought protection from her outsidership with a gang of Ravenclaw girls in different ages, some kind of society for studying. But observing them now, it rather seems that they are using her as a errand girl, someone to pick on when they have nothing else to do. Not that I think that they are all horrible people, they just found out that here is someone who won't disagree or be put out if you criticize her a bit, and then they, probably without even being aware of it, started to make use of this more and more, in addition to heighten their own self-confidence by knowing how hopeless Violet is in comparison.  
That is, most of them. Of course, there is a source, the person who started it all. Actually, I remember her. It's the girl in my year who was not able to understand why a love potion – a mind-controller and way of forcing your own emotions on another person – should be classified as illegal. She's the original turncoat, a person that would not dream of making an acquaintance unless it provided to her own benefit. A false friend, a hypocrite; quasi-deep and about as emotionally developed as a tapeworm.  
It's not really hard to notice how much I hate these kind of people, is it?  
"We understand that it is hard for you, Violet" she says smoothly, a small, small spark of glee somewhere behind the facade of those brown eyes. "I mean, there is a reason for everybody not being sorted into Ravenclaw."  
A first-year in training, eager to fit in: "And when Gwen and the others has helped you, I am sure you will understand at least a bit." As a reward, she gets a gracious nod from another of the elder girls.  
"It's okay not to understand. Some people really have to have more time to like absorb this kind of information?"  
I snort mentally. "Absorb this kind of information"? Kiss my behind.  
A laugh from Gwen. "But Violet, where did you get that horrible ribbon? It looks totally out of order. People with hair like yours have to find more discreet colours. There! Away with that nasty thing!"  
Reading between the lines: Don't you dare try to draw attention to yourself. Don't forget that you're a nothing.  
The really quite pretty ribbon is torn out of Violet's hair, and dramatically thrown at the floor. Some minute later, Gwen pretends to drop her pen, bends down under the table and stuffs the ribbon into her own bag. She will wait a day or two, and then start to wear it. By then, her friends will have forgotten about it. And Violet will say nothing, because Violet is Violet, and she doesn't dare say anything of the sorts.  
I start to drift towards them, pretending to be absorbed by the book I am reading.  
"No no no, Violet, that is wrong! See? You have to convert the sum of the pentagram before dividing it with the derivative of M. Honestly, sometimes you are so THOUGHTLESS!"  
I bend over the complicated magical equation, smiling icily. "Actually, Violet is right. Otherwise, you will end up with X being a negative energy, and that is impossible, since this is a spell than works only in the actual field and none of the, ethereal, sub-real or theoretical ones."  
Gwen examines the equation with a bored glance, and pales at the realisation that I am actually right. "Oh dear! I am just so absent-minded today!" She smiles, but there is an unmistakable sharp edge to that smile.  
"Is that what you call it? I prefer thoughtless." My tone is sharp and cutting.  
Her laugh is horribly faked. "Violet! Is this HILARIOUS girl your friend? Why haven't you introduced us?" The underlying threat shines like steel in her eyes.  
Before Violet can come up with something more than an incomprehensible noise, I cut in. "I'm a classmate. Alexita's my name." Her eyes widen, she obviously has heard gossip about me and my little... incident with the bogart. "Anyway Violet, I and Remus are having a bit of a problem with a potions-project of his, and we find ourselves quite at loss. I went to see if you could help us?" This is no lie. We freely took it upon ourselves to work with an extra project for Andromeda, and right now we're a bit stuck. It wouldn't hurt to have another brain working on it. And it wouldn't hurt Violet to improve her self-esteem a bit. Because...  
Because she's that sort of person who just looks away and pretends to not hear when people are nasty. Who just takes all the shit that people throw at her. A very convenient person to have around if you have a weak self-consciousness yourself, a person to compare yourself with so that you can say to yourself, without having to feel that you are lying, that "At least it could be a lot worse". An easy prey for people such as Anna and Gwendolyn, who love to have a person to boss around, who love to be in the centre of attention without having to fight for it.  
In short, a weak person. I used to look down upon her likes before; I know Severus does. But I, strangely enough, want to help her. She is so vulnerable and lonely. So very much different from me; I always knew to defend myself, to fight back with fists and words and dirty tricks. And even though she is not much of company, wide-eyed and quiet, I hope that some day, that will be different. What it all boils down to, I think, is that Baz is to blame for it. She opened me for this urge of protecting that is so natural to herself, and now I am stuck with it. I really should hate her.   
Whatever.  
"Well? What do you say, Violet?"  
She tremulously nods, but if she feels gratitude or if she is just to scared of me to decline, I cannon decide. But she stands up, shakily waves goodbye to Gwen with a vague promise of being right back, as if she knows that the other girls really does not care. Then she silently follows in my heels, not looking up from the floor. I keep my mouth shut, since it will probably be easier for her that way. But it feel good, I notice, doing this for her. Warm. Like the glow of sunshine against something inside me that has been frozen before.   
Like the feeling of an inner spring.


	12. Quidditch?

Chapter Twelve  
Quidditch? (Unexpecting bliss...)  
  
"Alex?"   
"What?" I tear my gaze from my Divination-homework, wondering why on earth ANYONE can fin tea-leaves so prodigiously fascinating, as to write a whole chapter about it. I mean, it's just a soggy, brown pile of muck. Nothing to get so exited about.  
James sits down opposite me, wearing what Sirius refers to as his Quidditch-captain face. I rise my eyebrows.  
"What news on the Quaffle-front?"  
He does not even notice the sarcasm. "Mathew Brown has quitted his post as Chaser. Says Quidditch interrupts with his schoolwork." He snorts, as if it was OBVIOUS that Quidditch is MUCH more important than one's grades.  
"So?"  
"So we need a new chaser."  
First, I don't get it. When the realisation finally hits me, it is actually quite alike getting a bludger to my head. I stare at him.  
"You are not serious!"   
"Hell yes I am. You already know the basics as well as finer points of flying. It is a part of you now, just as my reflexes has been heightened, Sirius's sense of smell improved and Peter even better on sensing danger."  
"Not on a broom, James."  
"I don't think there's all that much difference. It's all about being able to use wind and air-currents to your benefit. And having a really sure eye. And I know you do. So you're not getting away."   
The funny thing is that he does not even consider that I could refuse. To him, that is absolutely impossible. Quidditch isn't a sport. It's a duty and an overbearing part of LIFE. Saying no is not an option.  
Sighing to myself, I realise that there's truth in that, if you just think about it. I could not say no to him, much as I curse him for it. "Fine. I'll be at the selection. Because there WILL be one. I am won't risk being the cause of the discrimination someone who deserves the post more than I do. Compredre?"  
"I understand." He nods gravely, and I can't help laughing at him. "What?!"  
"You're so silly that it makes you sweet!" I manage, gasping for air.  
"WHAT?!"   
"What's going on?" Remus inquires, strolling over to us.   
James immediately falls back into his role as Quidditch-captain. "Alex is going to try out to the new position as Chaser." He informs solemnly, something that just ads fuel to the blaze of my mirth.  
Remus groans. "You realise that I will have to kill you now?" He inquires very seriously of me. I cannot answer, since I am still laughing too hard. This obviously attracts the attention of Lily and Emily, as they both appear at Remus's side.  
"Now what is this?"  
Remus turns to Lily with a dismayed face. "Alex is going to join Jocks United."  
Okay, that's unfair! "It's not my fault! James is forcing me!"  
"Forcing you?!" James exclaims with an injured air.  
"More or less, yes! You're abusing your position as one of my best friends! You KNOW that I cannot deny you anything, you cunning bastard."  
"I am so not-"  
"Oh yes, you are!"  
"I'm not!  
"Are too!"   
"Not!"  
"Yeah, right!"  
"Time out! Time out!" Remus steps in, playing referee. I am laughing; James looks sullen. Lily shakes her head with an air of helplessness, turning to walk away, and Emily is regarding the scene with the expression of an expert studying the behaviour of wild animals.  
Actually, I am quite flattered by James being so sure on my abilities. But to admit that would be throwing away a perfectly good argument.  
And THAT would be a terrible waste, now wouldn't it?

"Alexita Neidorsdaughter, step fourth."  
I feel exceptionally silly in these pyjama-like robes and the broom in my hand. But James beams, even though he is careful to keep his face indifferent, so I bite down my urge to get the hell out of here. I swing my leg over the broom, and get myself airborne.  
"Right. First, we are going to see how well you can catch passes. Patil!" A blond boy leaves the strict line the team is forming, getting himself up to my height.   
"Alright! Try to catch!"  
An easy pass, thrown straight into my arms. I can't help but raising my eyebrows, as I throw the quaffle back.  
"Too easy? Okay. Fine for me." A wide, white-toothed smile. The next one goes flying with terrible force over my left shoulder. I spin around, diving after it. I let my bird-of-prey instincts take over, the quaffle is nothing but a quarry, a mouse moving over the fields far below me. A quick burst of speed, and the red ball is secure in my hand. But it was a very close one.  
James voice: "This is NOT keeper practice, Patil, and if I see you pass like that during a game, I'm kicking you from the team."  
"Easy, cap, it was just a joke." One more of those big, friendly smiles. "Alright, girlie, back to the serious stuff. Now we'll pass while we're moving, right? So if you'll just speed up the pitch..."  
I obey his orders, moving as fast as I can towards to goalposts. Some seconds later he is diving in from above me, throwing the quaffle over. And now I see what James really meant with pre-installed knowledge about flying. Instinctively doing some calculations in accordance to the resistance of the air and wind-force, I slow down, veering slightly left. Not a very elegant catch, but still a catch. Feeling a bit uproarious, I gain myself some height, speeding past him. Then I suddenly drop steeply, throwing the quaffle back to him as I pass just some feet before his nose. He laughs, blue eyes shining from the exhilaration of flying. We turn at almost the exact same time by the end of the pitch, veering in opposite directions. He then speeds in behind the goalposts, and on me turning back to meet him, he once more throws me the quaffle. I catch it, and easily throw it through the golden hoop of the nearest goalpost.  
We are both grinning slightly, as we return to the team. A girl carrying the bat of a Beater shakes her head at her blond team-mate. "Patil, you obnoxious flirt..."  
"I wasn't doing nuthin', Wood!" He protests with an air of absolutely faked hurt righteousness. "Just having some fun!"   
"Well, you certainly play well when the hoops are unguarded" James notes dryly, looking up from his notebook. "But the passing was good. Now let's see a front on attack."  
Before I get the chance to react, the other Chaser is diving towards me with tremendous speed. I leave myself no time to think, but go the only way left free for me. Which unfortunately proves to be ninety degrees skywards. Clinging on to the broom and cursing myself for ever approving to this madness, I do a clumsy backwards loop. It is at least a small solace to see my attacker – sure on being able to hit me – almost loose control over his broom, and spin madly three or four times, before regaining it.  
"Excellent" the girl Wood says with a malicious smile. "Bet you didn't count on that, eh, Boot?"  
"Haha. Very funny. She was faster than I though. But she wouldn't have had a chance, had I hit her."  
"Which is completely irrelevant, since you didn't" James sighs, shaking his head in disapproval. The protesting boy falls silent. "Now, over to goal-practice."  
I get six hits out of ten, which is quite good, without being superb. Good enough for me. They test my ability to avoid bludgers as well, and I manage to get out of it without breaking anything. Hooray!  
There are others after me, and I stay a while and watch. There are some really good ones, and I hope that James will be truly impartial. But I think he will. Being Captain is a big responsibility, one that I do not think James would want to loose.  
He's proud of it.  
Afterwards, I am ashamed to admit that I actually sneak after them to listen, after carefully hoaxing the Map into saying that I am at the bathroom. Yes, I can do that. I was sort of responsible for that part of the charming. But it doesn't happen often, at least.  
"I think your friend was just fine, cap. She sort of has 'it'..." Patil, judging by the voice.   
"What 'it'?" The girl playing Keeper teases. "Big blue eyes and loads of blond hair?" Okay, that's so not fair!  
By the sound of it, Patil smacks her. "No, you git. I was talking about the love for flying, the exhilaration, the adrenaline! You know... what quidditch is all about!"  
"Fair enough" the female beater. "And she's fast as Patil after a nice ass. A little uncomfortable with the quaffle, though."  
"Haha..." Patil mumbles sourly under his breath.  
"She was good at avoiding tackles, at least" James mumbles dryly. "And your big-brother, Wood?"  
"Useless... He has to wait another year, so that Kia gets of the Keeper-post, then you'll see some action..."  
I sneak away, not needing to hear more. Things seems to work out just fine.  
I take away the charm from the map, whistling a quiet little melody as I stroll along the pitch. The best part is that I won't be sad if I don't get the place. James probably will be more disappointed than I. So I can just do this for the fun of it. I really seem to forget that you can do things for no other reason than that sometimes. I'm glad I've got the boys there to remind me of it.

"I saw you fly."  
I jump, spinning around. "Heavens, Severus, don't do that!"  
He detangles himself from the shadows beneath a tree, half a smile curling his lips. "Jumpy little thing, aren't you?"   
"I blame it all on my unhappy childhood" I reply automatically.  
"What?"  
"Oh, just something... never mind really..."  
He quirks one eyebrow at me, but I only shrug my shoulders so he drops it.  
"You were good. You like to fly?"   
"Yeah. I think I was a bird in my previous life" I say with a crooked smile.  
"Indeed? And what kind of bird would that be?"   
"A falcon." I reply without doubt. Well, what is there to doubt?  
His smile widens a bit. "Good choice."  
"Choice? Who said anything about choice? That's just who I am."  
A nod; He understands perfectly what I mean. As always.  
"Then I was an old bat" He says with all the solemnity of someone making fun of himself. See, a guy with self-humour. Who would've thought that?   
"Nah. You were a falcon too. A black one."  
"Why a black one?"  
"To balance it up. Since I was I white one, silly." I smile at him, and he returns it.  
"A black and a white falcon. Both the same, yet worlds apart. Suitable."  
"Oh, hello there Mr I'm-so-cheerful-today!" I snap, sticking my tongue out at him.   
"You, my dear friend, have not seen the half of it." The mocking tone lays bare in his voice. He's SO a complete bastard!   
"I'm killing you." I tell him very seriously.  
"No, you're not. You like me too much."  
I blink, stare at him for two seconds, then fall over laughing. He doesn't seem to be as amused.  
"And what now?"  
I look up at him, still clutching at my ribs. "Don't DO like that, Sev! It might've killed me."   
"The suspense is breathtaking" He comments with a heavy note of irony.  
I just smile, getting up with his help.  
"You just sounded like an idiot."  
"An idiot?"  
"Yup. The biggest one."  
"Oh. Him."  
"Yes, so please don't do it again. It feels like you're conspiring against me."  
"You're insulting me."  
"Damn straight I am, and I am going to continue until you apologize."  
I can see the corners of his mouth twitching now. "Fair enough. I'm sorry. It was not intentional."  
I give him my best vampire-smile. "All the worse, Severus. All the worse."  
"And there comes the cavalry" he sighs, nodding towards James, striding up to us with a stormy look in his face.  
"Git." I sigh, smiling slightly. "But I better take care of him before he spontaneously combusts."  
Severus nods, puts on his most scathing sneer, bows slightly to me, and leaves.  
James, accusingly: "What was that all about?"  
I follow Severus with my gaze until he once more blends into the shadows, my face contorted in a perfect mask of pure disgust. A mask to hide, a mask to protect, a mask to deceive. "We were talking."   
"Talking?" He looks dumbstruck.  
"Yes, James, talking. Just because I loath the sight of him, doesn't mean we can't talk to each other."  
"So what were you talking about?"  
I grin at him. "Discussing is really the word. His opinion is that I am a silly, nonsensical little girl, and mine is that he is a complete bastard." I fake a sigh. "I am afraid we find ourselves at a bit of a deadlock."  
"Alex?"  
"Yes."  
"I am never going to understand you. Ever. Are all girls like that?"   
"No. I have developed myself after your half-empty brains. Most girls are worse. Much, much worse."  
He hits me, and we bicker peacefully, as we stroll up to the castle. I glance back. A shadow amongst the shadows of the forest, Severus watches us go.  
So well he blends in. It's like the shadows themselves were a part of him. And he a part of them. Of darkness.  
A shiver goes down my spine, and the autumn air suddenly feels much colder. Through the corner of my eye I see Severus turning away, and in the next moment he is gone. Swallowed by the shadows. It's like he never was there.  
Gone... Why this feeling of a warning? Why this inevitable, overwhelming fear of... loosing him?

As I blow out the candle at my bedside, creeping into bed for the night, I think about the feeling I got on my way from the quidditch-pitch. My heart seems to contract, and I close my eyes in pain.  
I've spent so very much time in fear of loosing the marauders... So very much time... But not once did I ponder how it would be to loose Severus. Not once.  
"Because he has no other. Because you are sure that he will always be depending on you" a nasty little voice at the back of my mind hisses.  
Is it true? Am I really that selfish? Have I grown so comfortable with this whole situation, as to shrug my shoulders and think "Oh, but Severus only has me. He can't turn away."? Am I really that awful?  
But no... I've got enough insight in myself to have to admit that this might be a part of it, but it's also very much about trust. Trust in him, trust in his friendship.  
Yet, I feel so horribly guilty. After all the times he has helped me, cared for me, supported me... Have I really shown him how full of gratitude I am? Have I ever considered how lucky I am to have such a faithful friend? Could I really blame him, should he grow tired of waiting for me all the time?  
My eyes burn, and I sob dryly into my pillow. Do I really deserve all this love that everyone bestows on me? Me; A liar, an deceiver, a... traitor? I lie all the time to the marauders, I always let Severus down, I force others to lie and keep secrets for me...  
This feeling... This feeling of a darkness waiting behind Severus's back, ready to welcome him, ready to take him away from me for ever... The same darkness that I keep in my heart, that I feed with lust for revenge, with hate, with jealousy...  
Am I wasting everything? Are they throwing away all their love on someone unworthy? Why don't I just let go? Let Severus follow the shadows, let the boys stay in the light that they love, let myself slip into my own darkness, never to return...  
But I cannot. I cannot loose the marauders, for they are the only thing that keeps me anchored to the right side of this world. The good side. I would loose myself, become a being which I now would despise.  
Yet... Without Severus, I would be lost. Forlorn. Helpless. Because without him, I would forget the importance of the darkness. And it would eat me from inside. He keeps me in balance, and if I lost him... It hurts too much to think of. Not only because of what I would become, but because of what I know that he would become. Eventually. I could not take that. He means too much to me.  
I wipe the tears off my face and try to stifle my sobs. Keep them quiet. But my heart seems to be torn in a million shreds by angry, mocking, frightening thoughts. I hate all of it, all that tries to pull me apart, that tries to take me for it's own, that won't let go. Why don't they all go away? Why can't I forget about them?  
The marauders with their light, Severus with his darkness, Emily with her damnable optimism, Lily with her strength, the wolf and its endless tormenting of Remus, Baz with her naivety, Violet with her weakness, Julie with her helplessness, my old bullies, my dad, my mother, the lessons, the magic, Mr and Mrs Potter, Cassandra fucking Black, my fear, my hate, myself and the fact that I can't stand me, these bloody thoughts that keep me awake even though I've got a test tomorrow.... Everyone and everything!  
I bite at my pillow, weeping into its soft whiteness.  
"Alex?" a oft hand is put at my shoulder, someone is shaking me slightly, as if trying to wake me from slumber. I look up, but my vision is so blurred, I can see nothing except a mild light, and something white. A soft hand dries the tears of my face. Great. I bet it is an angel coming to comfort me. Now I have one more thing to add to the list of things that claims my attention, claims a bit of me. Reason to hate this life number 457: A sudden and unwanted position as the new Virgin Mary. Except that I lost my virginity when I was ten, and that I am thus a sinful woman. Bad Alex. What have we SAID about going around being raped by your father? Shame on you!  
I am really tired.  
My vision is coming back, though.  
"Alex? Were you having a nightmare?"  
Baz, of course, carrying a candle in her hand. Now, if someone should be a new Virgin Mary, it should be her. Or why not Messiah? The holier, the better, I say. Let's make her God. I am sure that she would take care of things better that the one handling it now. Really.   
"Y-yes... A nightmare..."  
"I see" she smiles at me. "You want to talk about it?"  
"I... I don't remember it."   
"Well, then... You think it will come back?"  
I sigh, shaking my head. "I don't know. Maybe. But I think I will have some peace for now, at least."  
"Good. I think I'll sit here for a while. You try to sleep. Is that okay?" I can see her eyes shine from the will to help, and I nod smilingly.  
"Thank you."   
The last thing I see before I fall asleep, is her warm, brown eyes, looking down at me in concern. Her face seems to glow in the light of the candle, and the locks falling around her face shines.   
Actually, it feels pretty much like having an angel watching my sleep. An angel come to this earth, forgotten by all other good powers...  
And maybe it isn't so bad.  
To live, I mean.

"Severus?"   
He does not look up, but he smiles bleakly. "Yes, Alex?"  
I sit down beside him, hands folded in my lap. "I'm sorry."  
His stance immediately becomes guarded, his eyes dart from the book to my face. "Sorry for what, pray?"  
"For... for everything. For that I've never given you any proper thanks for what you do for me."  
"What I do for you?"  
"You stay. You're always there, you always listen, you never complain, and all I do is... to let you down."  
"You forget, my friend, that I have no other. Where would I go?"  
"You ain't making this easier!" I snap, leaning closer. "You know and I know that you could walk away. Go back to what you was. You know that darkness and so do I, and you could give yourself to it once more. We all have that choice. But you stay. For my sake. Please let me thank you for it."  
He shakes his head at me, smiling slightly. "And you then? That darkness you speak of... You have your chance to rid yourself of it for ever. To let go. And yet you stand there, with one foot in each world, tearing yourself apart, hating your friends and caring for your enemy. You stay. You stay for my sake. I am not doing any favours by remaining at your side. I am paying back."  
I cannot but nod. It is a bit painful, but what truth is not?  
"I'm more self-centred than Sirius."  
He laughs hollowly. "You have to give him that. That he is self-centred, I mean. Who else should you have as a centre than yourself?"  
"I thought you hated him for it."  
"No. I hate him for being a big-headed, idiotic prat."  
I steal his book from him, hitting him over the head with it. He smiles, poking his quill in my ribs, and I scream, falling to the floor. Reason and watchfulness forgotten, I jump at him, trying to push him off the couch.  
"Mr Snape? Miss Neidorsdaughter?"  
We both jump, twisting around. Just a few meters away stands professor Dumbledore. None of us heard him come.   
"I am sorry to... interrupt you in your... shall we say studies." A glimpse of humour sparkles in his eyes, but just for a short second. I have never seen him so grave and solemn since the time I told him about my father.  
"Professor?" Severus's voice is cold and distant.  
"I have to talk to you, Mr Snape. About a matter of very high importance." There is sorrow in his eyes! I can see it as clear as the day outside the windows, the dusty air that surrounds us. What on earth has happened.  
I can see that Severus is becoming more uncertain as well. His eyes stray towards me, I know he is seeking help.  
"What has happened, professor?" I inquire softly.  
Dumbledore sighs. "I cannot talk about it here. Mr Snape needs to come to my office at once."  
I am sure there are very few who could see how very unsure of himself Severus is right now. Because even though is face is cold and empty, even though his posture is relaxed, I can see in his eyes the same expression as a rabbit might wear when it raises it head to see that the harmless shadows has become the shape of a fox, closing in. He moves closer to me, seemingly without thinking about it.  
Dumbledore, mildly: "Perhaps you want Miss Neidorsdaughter to come with you?"   
He nods, eyes fixed on the old man, who seems in some way... weary and tired. Like was he staggering under some great weight.   
"Come then."  
I look at Severus, and he tries to smile, but his lips seems frozen. Then we both drive all feeling from our faces, like were we totally alien from each other. I can see in Dumbledore's eyes that he understands.  
So we start our strange procession through the corridors. People turn to watch, and in their faces I read the conviction that there has been a great fight between these two infamous arch-enemies. Curiosity, hunger for scandals, worry; it all blends together in faces that I cannot put names to, cannot place in any context. I am surrounded by strangers.  
"Alex?" I turn, and a stranger is approaching me. I regard him in some strange kind of fascination. Tall, black-haired, handsome, eyes that right now seem black as well, black with a complex mixture of feelings. "What has happened? What has he done?"  
Hateful glances at Severus. The hate is so very real, it is something I can connect to... With a jerk, I am back in the real world again.  
"I don't know what this is about, Sirius" I whisper hurriedly. "The Headmaster just wants to speak with us both. Apart from that, I understand nothing."  
He nods, and I quicken my pace to keep up with Dumbledore and Severus. This is not feeling well.  
In fact, it feels as bad as can be.

There is a man with a business–like look about him waiting in Dumbledore's office. As we enter, he stares curiously at me.  
"He wanted her to be here, Mr. Wilkins." Dumbledore tells him as an explanation. The man nods a bit disdainfully, with an expression that tells us that he, personally, keeps a very big distance from this kind of mawkishness.  
I think rather nastily to myself that I really hope this guy hasn't got any children. I really disliked him from the first moment I saw him.  
Dumbledore sits down, and bids us to do the same. I sink down in a sofa beside Severus. Mr. Wilkins remains standing.  
"Mr. Snape" he proclaims with a stately air "I am here from the ministry to inform you-"  
Here he is cut off by professor Dumbledore. "Mr. Wilkins, would you be so kind as to let me handle this?"  
The man seems about to insist, but there is an unmistakable tone of steel in the Headmaster's eyes. He nods sullenly.  
Dumbledore turns his warm, blue gaze towards Severus. "I am sorry to have to tell you, Mr. Snape" he says in a low, gentle voice "that your mother is dead."  
The words hit with the force of a sledgehammer. His head snaps up, and he stares at the old man in disbelief. I feel how my shoulders slowly sink together, as all my synapses scream in protest against the shock.  
"My... mother?" Severus's voice is barely audible.  
"She passed away yesterday as the hour struck eleven" Mr. Wilkins says without a single trace of passion in his voice. No, this man clearly has no children, thank god for that. I glare at him so viciously that his mouth snaps shut. Abominable man!  
Severus is still staring at Dumbledore, his face a horrible mask of disbelief.  
The Headmaster looks so very, very tired, so very, very sad. "Knife-wound. She managed to floo herself to St. Mungos, but by that time it was already too late, she had lost too much blood. Your father is held suspect for murdering her. Do you know anything, Mr. Snape?" His voice is still very quiet and soft. Severus closes his eyes.  
"Only that it is true."  
I slowly reach for his hand, pressing it against mine. Tears are flooding my eyes now, tears which curse an unfair world.  
"You can both stay here as long as you want to. I and Mr. Wilkins will leave you." Dumbledore gives the man from the ministry a stony look, daring him to speak a word against him.  
They both leave the room.  
Only then can Severus let his pride slip. He sags against me, and I can feel his tears against my neck. I hold him without a word, sobbing at the cruelties of this world. My eyes burn, and my throat contracts, but that does not matter, since no words can now give an solace.  
Julie, Julie, do you know how much you were loved? Even though you ended your time alone, you WERE loved. Your son loved you, I loved you, and in the back of their minds, your parents loved you too. We weep, Julie, to know that you were kept away from a world which could not but love you. We weep to know that you left us without knowing how much more you were worth than what life would give you.  
"Mother..." Severus whispers. He does not sob, not even breath any harder. His tear fall silent against my skin. There is only this single world, and in it there is pain enough to make the stars themselves weep, the people of a thousand worlds mourn for this lonely child and his mother.  
Why? Why does it have to be like this? Why do children have to cry; why do those who deserves only the best have to live out their lives in pain; why do angels have to fall when they are only trying to fly; why does love smite down with such terrible devices upon those who devote their lives to it?  
Why is there so much pain in this world?  
Why must you feel hurt?  
"Alexita..."  
"Yes?" My voice is no more than a whisper, and neither is his. There barely any force left in our lounges for speech, all seems to be drained by sorrow.   
"You will come to... to the funeral? Right? You will be there... so that she will know..."  
"Yes, Severus. I will be there."  
"Good." He sighs, the breath trembling in his lounges.  
I do not tell him that I am sorry, nor say any other word of comfort. What would be the point of that. He would not hurt the less, and nor would I. All comfort is in vain, a mockery of the sorrow that death brings.  
You angel in a yellow summer-dress, with flowers in your hair... With a smile on your lips as you greeted me, hugging me to your thin frame... Looking so forlorn and helpless with that exaggerated make-up and your shy, timid way of moving...  
I shall keep the letters you wrote, letters full of all the love and care that you needed so desperately to give. I shall keep your words and your never-ending affection as the greatest gift ever given to my heart.  
And I promise you this: I will take care of your son. I will always be his friend. I know that I am weak, but I will try in every manner not to fail him. I owe you that, just as I owe HIM that. I promise, Julie.  
Because I loved you.  
Because I love you still.


	13. Anguish

Chapter thirteen

Anguish (The funeral.)

We stay for more than an hour, crying until our eyes are dry from exhaustion and a dull, overwhelming apathy. Where there was pain is now a vast, echoing emptiness, which seems to suck us dry of tears, swallow every word.

I quietly help Severus to dry the traces of tears from his face. Even in this moment, he will not show himself weak to the world. His hours of anguish will be ours alone. Myself, I cannot care. All the world feels detached from me, far away, distant.

When he stands up, there is now only one person in this world who can see the full extent of the pain he carries. Most people would only notice him as being more sullen then otherwise, those who pay attention might see that he is in pain. But there is only one who can read the unspeakable torment that his eyes contain. We used to be two who could. Yesterday, we were two.

Two who loved him.

He says nothing, but he tries to smile at me. It ends in a futile grimace.

"Get some sleep" I gently tell him, rising up and straightening his rumpled clothes. He only nods, and I wish I really could believe it. Wish that I did not know that he will lie awake all night, trying without avail to fight off his tears. I wish I did not know that he, when he finally falls asleep, will be haunted by dreams of her.

"Let's give Dumbledore back his office." His voice sounds unnatural and strained. I helplessly pat him on the cheek, before opening the door and stepping outside. The Headmaster is resting peacefully in a large armchair outside. Mr. Wilkins is still standing, looking fretful and haughty.

"Very well, Mr. Snape." he snaps, as soon as we get outside. "We are counting on your testimony in the trial against your father."

Severus smiles coldly at him, meets his gaze with such intensity that this big, important man from the ministry must sweat and shiver before his eyes. "Oh, I will, Mr. Wilkins. Take my word for it."

I bite my lip at the blazing hate shining from his eyes. But I understand him. There is a very big part of me that regrets not having been able to witness against MY father.

"And the funeral?" Dumbledore inquires quietly, gazing steadily at Mr. Wilkins.

"We have arranged that. You will be transported there in a week, Mr. Snape."

Dumbledore nods at us. "Then I guess I shall give you both leave from your classes. Miss Neidorsdaughter?"

I nod, smiling bleakly at this wise, helpful soul. "I would be grateful."

But Mr. Wilkins is not. "Dumbledore, I see no reason why this girl..."

"She loved my mother" Severus hisses, loosing his patience with the man. "She loved her as I loved her, and has every right to participate at her funeral. Or do you think it is better that I go alone?"

And he is already sweeping down the stairs when I realise what is going on, and call after him. I make a movement as to run after him, but Dumbledore holds me back.

"Let him be alone. He needs it."

I nod, feeling the tears once more burn in my throat.

"How are you, miss?"  
I try to voice my feelings, shakily and without much success. "He had only her and me... And now it's only me... and I..."

"Don't know if you can fill the place. Don't know how you can balance the friendship to Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Pettigrew, with the friendship you have with him. Am I right?"

"Yes."

Dumbledore shakes his head. "Ah, young ones. Believe me when I say that I am lucky to have left that period of my life well behind me. All its pains and decisions... But believe an old-timer when he says that it usually works out in the end. Most things does. Even though I have to admit that you have more to fight than most people."

I nod at him, not knowing what to say. Words seem so very pointless.

Mr. Wilkins clears his throat uneasily. "Well, I should be going."  
"Best idea you had this day" I mutter under my breath, and Dumbledore has to disguise his chuckle as a cough. Being done with that, he bows curtly and very seriously to the rigid, stuffed-up man.

"A pleasure to have met you."

I draw a sigh of relief as I hear his footstep clatter down the stairs. "Awful man."

The Headmaster smiles at me. "I say you should get some sleep, my lass. You must be very tired."

"I am, professor. I will leave now."

"Good night, Miss Neidorsdaughter."

"Good night, professor Dumbledore."

I walk very tiredly down the stairs, and step out in the corridor. They are waiting for me, as I was expecting.

"Well, Alex? What was that all about?" James demands, but Remus silences him, walking up to me and putting a gentle hand at my shoulder.

"What has happened?" he softly inquires.

"Not here." I tiredly shake my head at him, and he nods in affirmation.

"Let's get to the common-room."

I can feel their worried glances, and Sirius slips up at my left side, putting his arm around my shoulders as if wanting to support me. I gratefully lean against him, letting go of the self-control which is all that keeps me upright. His strong arm encircling me feels so very comforting, and I feel safe in their company.

"Will you tell us what happened, now?" Sirius asks, as he gently puts me down at a coach in the common-room.

"And what did Snape have to do with it?" James adds.

"Snape..." I close my eyes, driving visions of him out of my skull. "Snape had nothing to do with it."

"But..."

"Look, I do not know what Dumbledore wanted to talk to him for. I waited outside. It had nothing to do with me."

"And then what was it that you...?"

I already know what to say, yet my throat contracts painfully as I force the words from my lips. "My mother is dead."

"What, that old bitch?" The sentence slips over Sirius's lips before he can stop it. He claps his hands before his mouth, looking horribly ashamed of himself.

Something inside me wants to scream 'Don't you dare speak about Julie like that!', but this, off course, I cannot. Instead, I content myself with: "She is still my mother."

"I'm so sorry, Alex" Sirius mumbles, his voice muffled behind his hands, his eyes showing how sincerely his words are meant. They seem to be almost blue right now, I notice, feeling strangely distracted.

"It's... it's okay. It's just that... I do remember when things were... different. And it feels horrible that I should hate my own mother, now that she is...is..."

It's so easy to lie, now that I've started. What I say could be real, there is really no difference except from what I feel, except...

Except that I know that I would never cry over my biological mother. Except that everything inside me is DEAD, dead with Julie. Except that my words are both truth an lie, and I really can't tell the difference anymore, and I don't know what I should do with all this anger, all this love, all this sorrow...

I let the tears come, let them all hug me, dote over me, take care of me. Golden-brown, hazel, bright blue, blue-grey with a hint of purple: Their eyes seems like the only constant point in a world that is slipping out of my grasp.

And then everything goes black...

Voices... I can hear voices nearby...

"She just fainted, Madam. We did not know..."

"Has something shocking happened to her lately?" A brisk voice follows Sirius' worried one.

"Well... uhm... she had just received some bad news."

"Aha..." A blurred shape looms over me. "Well, it seems that we are waking up. How are you, Miss?"

"Fine..." I try to sit up, but there seems to be no strength in my limbs, and Madame Pomfrey holds me down.

"Now you stay there for a while, miss. We don't want you to faint again the first thing you do when you've finally woken up, now do we?"

"I would listen to her" Remus suggests with a small smile, sitting down at my side. "There is really no use in resisting, actually."

Madam Pomfrey gives him a short nod and a smile. "Now you listen to Mr. Lupin, Miss. He has some good sense in him, this boy."

"Unlike us, you mean?" James inquires good-naturedly.

He gets a long, hard look in return. "It was you yourself who said so" is all she says, and then she bustles off into another room.

"How long have I been out cold?"  
Sirius sits down at my other side. "Just for an hour or so. God, you scared the shit out of us, just dropping out like that..."

I rub my head, which feels like it is filled with cotton. "Shocked me too. I actually never fainted before. How did I get here?"  
"I carried you. You really should eat more, Alex, you're light as a feather, and you could stab someone's eye out with those." He pokes my ribs teasingly.

I groan. "Sirius, you sound like my old PE-teacher! She always used to fuss over me. And the school nurse wouldn't stop nagging, this being one of the main reasons for me liking madam Pomfrey so much. She looks disapproving and shakes her head, because that's her job, but she neither fusses nor nags. She leaves things up to me."

Sirius presses his lips together in a manner that makes him look like and old lady. "We are only worried about you, my dear girl. Have you tried taking a sandwich before you go to sleep?"

I smile tiredly at him from my pillow. "You bastard!"

He immediately looks worried again. "Alex? Are you sure you're okay?"

"What now?"

"You did not jump up my throat for being silly! Of course I get worried."

I try feebly to hit him, but there seems to be very little strength in my arms. Now they all look anxious. Me not being able to summon strength to slap Sirius is obviously very bad. I smile disarmingly at them.

"I'm very tired, guys. I... I got a bit of a shock today. I will be fine if I just... get to rest a bit. Right?"

Sirius opens his mouth, but I put my hand over it. "Shut up, you great prat. Or are you going to take advantage of a poor orphan girl when she can't hit back?" I grin at him, and he laughs, looking relieved.

"If you can insult me, you can't be that bad. Right?"

"Right. Now get out of here and let me get some sleep."

"Intelligent gel" madam Pomfrey dryly points out, entering the room with a jar of something purple in her hand. "I'll give her something to sleep on. Now, get running!"

But not even madam Pomfrey can get them out of there before having seen that I'm safe asleep. I laugh at them for it, but in reality, I am very thankful. Sometimes, being fussed over is not that bad.

I gulp down the purple liquid, smiling over the beaker at them. Then everything rapidly goes all fuzzy, and I sink down toward my pillow. The last thing I see is James and Peter, leaning over me, smiling, the last thing I feel is Remus's hand clutching mine. And the last thing I hear is Sirius's voice, softly mumbling:

"Good night, Wing..."

"Alexita?"

I look up from my book, surprised to see Severus here.

"They've got Herbology with the Ravenclaws" he answers my unspoken question, moving to stand beside me. "Won't be done in two hours."

I've never seen his face so pale and drawn before, it is quite frightening. His hands, I notice, are trembling.

"I wanted to... that is, I heard that you were here, and..."

"I fainted" I explain, putting my battered copy of Jane Austen's "Persuasion" down at the bedside table.

"Fainted?"

"I... Madam Pomfrey said it only was from shock, really. And then... I don't feel very well. Weak. No force in my limbs."  
"I know" he says, very quietly.

I nod. "Thought so. Have you eaten at all?"  
"No" his voice is flat and empty.

"You should" I point out, reaching out my hand to touch his. He looks at me in surprise, and I give him a small smile.

"I think I need someone to fuss over. Everyone treats me like was I made of glass right now, and I am getting sick and tired of it."

"So you decided to take it all out over me? I am flattered." Even though his tone is venomous, there is a small lift to the corners of his mouth that takes the worst edge out of the words.

"Why, Severus, what a thing to suggest." I keep my voice low and even; the only thing that suggests that I am teasing him is my raised eyebrows.

The smile stays on his lips for two more seconds, before being swallowed once more of the gloom of sorrow.

"Sit down, Severus. Please."

He nods, settling down at the foot of the bed. I sigh, crawling in under the blanket and out on his end, resting my head against his shoulder.

"You are really hopeless to be so brave all the time" I mutter under my breath.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing. Really" I add, seeing his doubtful face.

Slowly, he lifts his arms and puts them around me, leaning his chin against my head. We do not talk for a very long time; we are content with this companionable silence; Balm for our sorrow-blistered souls.

Finally: "What did you tell them?" He asks roughly.

"I... I had to... I want to come to the... funeral... so..."  
"Yes?"

"I... I told them that my mother was dead."

He lets out a sigh, his head turning slightly; I imagine that he is gazing out the window at the cloudy autumn sky and its seemingly endless weeping, the treetops black and naked, clawing the cold, damp air.

"So you lied." His voice is a hoarse whisper from raw emotions, his body is tensed, as if he is awaiting the right moment to spring up from the bed, leap out of the window, and fly away with the cold raindrops erasing his face from his scull, leaving nothing but blankness and peace...

"No, Severus. No, I did not. Julie was my mother more than that horrible woman will ever be. I loved her. My mother by blood, I can only pity. I cannot even hate her, Severus, she's that pathetic and useless in my eyes. But Julie..."

He is awfully quiet for a very long time, and then he slowly relaxes, his breathing settles. "Thank you. I know that she would've been... very happy."

"I think she knew. I hope she did. She had the right to."

"Yes."

"Her parents should know."

He hisses in surprise and anger. "Why?"

"They are her parents."

"They won't care."

"They have the right to at least... I mean, whether they care or not, they should still have the right to... decide what to feel. Give them a chance to care."

"I... don't know where to write."

"I do."

"How?"

"I've met them."

He leans back, staring at me. "What did you say that you had?" he whispers sharply between tightly pulled lips. "How?"

"Birthday-party."

"What?"

"You heard me. I was invited for her sons birthday-party by Cassandra Black."

"But you're..."

"Muggle-born? And who says that she knows about that?"  
"You mean that you used the same story..."

"As I told your father? Yes."

He stares some more at me, and then his lips curl into a reluctant smile, and he chuckles silently. "Such a fine irony that is. So you were admitted? Accepted?"  
I grin nastily. "It is very easy to mistake rudeness for good breeding if you count from their standards, and as son as I had threatened her youngest son to his life, Cassandra was secure in the belief that I must come from a very pure family indeed."

"You're an awful person, Alex."

"Why, thank you."

"So... My grandparents? What were they like?"

"Not as bad as the rest of 'em. Subdued. They were actually more hurt by the fact that their daughter left them for a full-blooded maniac than that this maniac came from a disgraced family. They did love her."

"Not well enough."

"Not nearly well enough. But they still did."

He presses his lips together tightly, and looks so childishly stubborn that I have to shake my head at him. "'Condemnant qui non intelligent', Severus." I gently chide him.

"What?"

"They condemn, who do not understand."

"Very well." He snaps angrily. "I will write to them. But they probably already know..."

I smile sadly at him, absently brushing a stray wisp of hair out of his face. "Honestly, what would I do without you, Severus?"

"Run stark raving mad?"

"Worse than that. I think I would go sane."

The week passes.

We get a letter black from Julie's father. He had not been informed of his daughters death, and is obviously righteously pissed about it. The letter itself is written with cold civility, but it is signed with "Your Grandfather, Theodore Black", something that speaks of more than just gratefulness for the tragic information that he has received.

There is also a formal letter from the Ministry with the message that we are to be picked up outside the castle at ten, Tuesday the fifth of November, to take us to the church where the ceremony is to be held.

I keep watch.

I watch Severus sit with this letter in his hand for almost an hour, before throwing it into the fire. I watch him by the dinner-table, adamantly ignoring the dishes set around him. I watch the marauder's map and notice him spending hours at end in his dormitory. I watch his hex James before he even gets to call out the insult he had in mind, receiving one mighty trashing from Sirius, something that lands them both in detention. I watch him in the library when he thinks that I am not looking, staring out of the windows with an unfathomable longing written in his face.

I watch, and I am worried. And I try to keep close, but it is hard. The boys seem to think that I need surveillance, so that I won't topple over in a dead faint somewhere when they are not there to take care of me. I try to explain that I am fine, that I don't feel the least weak, that there is really no reason for them to be stalking me, but to get this into Sirius' and James' heads is like trying to jam an elephant through a mouse-hole. Remus doesn't even try, he just shakes his head with a helpless smile, and Peter keeps quiet.

As bloody usual.

It's Monday now, and my chest seems too tight to keep all my emotions. It feels harder and harder to breath for each slow heartbeat.

"Alex?"

"Yes, Lily?" I tiredly open my eyes.

"Is it Julie Snape that has died?"

I groan. "You are far too clever, you bastard. Hat should've put you in Ravenclaw. Or Slyth."

She snorts, sitting down. "Not hard to see really. For one thing, I don't think you would be this affected if it was your biological mother. For another thing, I almost mistook Severus for a ghost when I saw him in the corridor. He looks awful. Does he even eat?"

"Not that I am aware of, no. Oh, I force some apples and such on him, but..."

"I'm surprised HE hasn't fainted."

"I don't think he sleeps much, either. He is so tired that he has almost no energy to speak. Breaking apart, he is."

She sits down, taking my hand. "How do you feel?"

"I want to scream, Lily. I want to scream the heavens apart, I want to scream so loud that all the world hears me, I want to scream and scream until everyone just GETS OFF ME!"

It was not my meaning to shout, but I cannot keep it in. I bury my head in my pillow, sobbing into the roughness of the textile.

She edges close, stroking my back. "You're scared."

"I'm loosing him, Lily. He is just fading away. I cannot reach in, nothing I do makes any change. I am loosing him, and I cannot! He cannot... I am..."

She simply lifts me up of the bed, embracing me in the same way that Jenny always does. It feels good, because I know she does it purely out of sympathy and a need to help.

"He is mourning, Alex. Don't you notice that you are fading from us as well? Why do you think Sirius and James are acting such fusspots, always following you around? Why do you think Remus has told all the prefects to keep an eye on you? Why do you think Peter secretly hexed Lucius Malfoy when he was pestering you, getting him stuck in the hospital-wing for two days solid? Why do you think Emily and Baz keeps watching you at night until you fall asleep, before they turn in themselves? It is nothing out of the ordinary, really. You have to spend some time inside yourself when something like that happens. It will be fine. Severus will recover. If he was lonely, it might be different, but now he has got something to tie him to this world. Just be there for him, and everything will be fine, right?"

I stare at her in awe. "I... never noticed... Remus... Peter... Emily and Baz..."

"Subtlety. You don't handle people going out of their way for you very well, so they keep it more or less secret. Well, not James and Sirius, as you noticed, but being subtle is really not their style." She smiles, eyes dancing with silent amusement.

"No shit." I mutter sardonically, leaning back at the bed.

"Just let is blow itself out. Every storm does, sooner or later."

"But he is not EATING, Lily. He's wasting away, and there wasn't that much of him in the beginning."

She pulls my blanket up to my ears, now – rarely enough – grinning at me. "So force him. Use the power of every woman. Nag on him."

"He does not do well with nagging, really Lily."

She shrugs with a merry glint in her eyes. "Well, that's a real bugger for him, is it not?"

I chuckle sleepily. "I surrender to you, oh mighty!"

"That's a good girl. Now sleep."  
And I do. What's the point in resisting?

I wake up at nine, the dormitory silent around me. They have all left for their classes, and it feels good to know. Today, I only wish to be left alone with my sorrow.

I absent-mindedly water my Amiosa-plant, eyes resting on the flower that represents my feelings for Julie. The red streaks are more clearly distinguished now, and the centre has a faint blue tone to it, otherwise it remains the same. Thus love is touched by sorrows hand, but will never wither from it.

I pull on one of my usual black dresses, pulling my at least moderately clean hair up in a tight knot. Looking into the mirror, I see a mournful wraith staring back at me. Sighing, I turn away and leave my room.

The castle is still except muffled voices from behind the classroom-doors and the voices of some of the portraits, some of the ghosts. Somewhere I can hear a nasty, grinding noise. Probably Peeves, doing something he shouldn't.

"And what are you doing, skulking around the corridors? Don't you think I know that you are one of those... marauders?!"

I curse inwardly. Filch! That blasted old coot...

"I've been given leave from my lessons" I tell him with supreme self-control, turning around to face him.

"And why would that be?" he snarls suspiciously.

"Because of the demise of Julie Snape." I tell him calmly, still not having any thoughts about torturing him for endless, painful hours. Well, not that many, anyway. "I've got a note from Dumbledore right here."

I produce it from my pocket, holding it up for him to read. Then he grudgingly nods, but is obviously unable to let me go without one last attempt to bring me off-balance. "Can't see why the death of any old wench should give a student that is not related to her right to prowl about during daytime anyway. Why would YOU go to HER funeral?"

My self-control snaps. "Can't see why you shouldn't just mind your own business." I snarl, whipping around and rushing down the corridor.

"I will complain to Dumbledore about this!" he shouts after me.

Ha! Like I care.

Breakfast is over, but it doesn't matter. I am not hungry anyway. Severus is waiting in the Great Hall, along with a solemn-looking Dumbledore.

"Very well. There is a car waiting for you outside, so if you will just follow me..." We both nod, keeping our eyes downcast. It feels best that way.

We slip through a hidden door that I have to remember to place on the Map. Honestly, I really thought we had got them all. The password is "Qui quairit invenit", a phrase that would've been complete nonsense, soon forgotten, had not Remus given me a muggle schoolbook in Latin last Christmas. Now I smile a bit inwardly. "Those who search shall find." How very suitable.

The car is black and looks old. There are curtains in the windows, blotting out the inside from curios gazes. As soon as we close the doors, a hushed sort of gloom falls over the interior, something that I am grateful of. The sun outside felt like it was piercing my eyes. The driver does not speak, he simply presses some buttons and reaches for that customary translocation-switch, and I manage to remember to close my eyes, before...

There is that feeling of falling again, and the indistinct scattered feeling as the world re-arranges itself around me. When I open my eyes, feeling malplacé and awkward, Hogwarts had disappeared and been replaced by a small, white church.

Only now, the driver speaks. "You are early. You might want to speak to the priest. She is the woman waiting over there."

There is another car parked outside, looking very luxurious and expensive. So they decided to show up. Always a good sign...

We step outside, Severus leaning against a tree and huddling against the whistling wind.

"I'll go talk to her" I whisper, just loud enough for him it. He nods briefly, still quiet as the grave.

I understand, I really do.

I cross the yard, taking care not to slip at the wet grass. "Excuse me? Madam?"

She turns around with a good-natured smile. "Yes, my dear."

"I just..." I stare at my feet, not feeling myself enough to function properly together with strangers. "I wanted to... do a thing. Read. A poem."

No, I don't sound like a complete idiot at all, really!

Oh, damn...

"Well, of course, little one. Of course you can do that."

Little one? Look, I may be short, but...

But right now, I bet I don't look that grown-up at all.

"And perhaps you could tell me a little about your mother? It's a bit hard to write a sermon over someone that you do not know." A small, helpless laugh. First, my mind seems to have stuck. My mother? Then I get it. Slowly exhaling, I look up, and start talking. I a low voice, often very haltingly, I manage to describe Julie to this total stranger, talking about her gentleness and care for those she loved with all the true warmth that I feel. She nods, as if taking mental notes, and it sort of feels good to hand it all over to her. Let someone else, someone grownup, take responsibility for a while. I really have had very few opportunities to do so in my life.

Then she throws a quick glance at her watch, and smile at me. "'Tis best to get started, then. Take your brother with you, and I will go prepare myself, right?"

I nod. She smiles at me. "This will be just fine, I think. But you know, I got the impression that she had only one child."

I hesitate before answering. "I am... adopted."

She smiles. "I see. Well, now..." She nods, and disappears into another room.

I walk back to Severus, putting a hand at his shoulder. He gives me a questioning glance, and I nod towards the building.

"She... It's time."

He nods, once, and straightens up, starting to walk hurriedly, as if scared that he will change his mind any second. I have to run to catch up with him, and he shortens his strides a bit. I reach out, tentatively, and touch his hand with mine, an unspoken question.

He takes it, and slows his pace even more, lowering his gaze to the ground. His expression is grim and determined, his eyes carefully averted from mine to hide the full extent of his feelings.

Yes, he is proud, but I cannot blame him for it. It is the only thing that keeps him standing, I think.

We walk up the aisle, and...

...and the world goes all blurry for one moment, and I am somewhere else, I think, and there is all this unfamiliar happiness mingled with a gentle trace of melancholy and regret, and I get the feeling of Severus being both at my side and somewhere else, and I get the feeling of silk and the smell of flowers, and I stop and...

...and the world comes crashing back once more. Severus is gazing at me, perplexed, slightly annoyed.

I shake my head, mouthing "Nothing" and continuing to walk. I cannot but wonder for half a second about that strange vision, or rather feeling, but then I just shrug it of. Whatever it was, it is gone now, and anyway I cannot make anything out of it.

We sit down at the front bench at the right side. At the left sits an old couple. I do not look at them, know who they are anyway.

Severus ignores them. Well, he has no reason to like his grand-parents anyway. I look around me, and see an old lady sitting at the far back. One of those old who go to all funerals in their local church, knowing that next time it might be them.

The priest appears, and I sigh in some strange kind of relief, as she begins to talk.

"We are gathered here today..."

Gathered? Really. Four mourning, one stranger and one priest. Impressive.

Poor, poor Julie...

The sermon is quite good, made up by general remarks, the information I gave her, and some gentle talk about God, quite toned down since she does not know where Julie stood when it came to religion. Well, she is respectful, at least.

She nods for me to step forward, and I stand up, giving Severus a tremulous smile. I do not look up, as I spell out the poem from memory.

"Oh, snatch'd away in beauty's bloom!

on thee shall press no ponderous tomb;

But on thy turf shall roses rear

their leaves the earliest of the year

and the wild cypress wave in tender gloom.

And oft by yon blue gushing stream

shall Sorrow lean her drooping head

and feed deep thought with many a dream

and lingering pause and lightly tread;

Fond wretch! as if her step disturb'd the dead!

Away! we know that tears are vain

that Death nor heeds nor hears distress:

Will this unteach us to complain?

Or make one mourner weep the less?

And thou who tell'st me to forget

Thy looks are wan, thine eyes are wet."

Lord Byron, the great English bard, of course.

My tears are streaming at the end of the poem, and the priest steps up, telling that it is time for our last farewell.

Mercifully enough, it is not an open casket. I can imagine the bruises, the wound, and I am glad that I do not have to see her. Her death could not have been an easy one. Of course, there are ways of magically restoring a body after death, but I think it to be quite morbid. It is only making it harder to say goodbye, to let go. And it is difficult enough as it is.

I cry, and I can see that Severus does as well, even though he lets his hair fall forward to shield off his face. His shoulders are shaking slightly, and a tear hits the casket, shimmering like a black pearl. I sneak my way into his arms, and he clutches me tightly, as we whisper our quiet goodbyes.

Goodbye, Julie. I will always remember... Remember you, remember my promise, remember what you taught me, what you gave to me. You showed me that I'm not alone, Julie. I cannot begin to thank you for that. And I will keep my love for you, won't let that yellow flower at my windowpane wither away. Soon, Julie, the red streaks will have faded away. Soon my heart will stop weeping for you. And then we will both have found peace. Peace at last.

Sleep, Julie, sleep... Be calm and warm and safe, just like you always deserved. Your son is safe with me Julie, and I won't leave him. You won't have to worry now, you won't ever have to be afraid again. All the pain has stopped now, hasn't it, Julie? So sleep...

And slowly, the storm of tears subsides, and I am able to stroke the casket with one trembling hand. Severus follows example, and doing so, erases out his own tear from the smooth surface.

And then he slowly lifts his gaze, letting it fall at Julie's parents, waiting for their turn. And then he nods.

Slowly, they come to stand on the opposite side of the casket. Julie's mother tries a small smile, and Severus once more nods. Accepts them.

And only then does the horrible tension, like someone holding her breath, let go of the atmosphere in the church. Suddenly, I can breath easily, I can smile as I place a single, yellow rose on the casket's lid.

Sleep...


	14. After the storm

Chapter Fourteen 

After the storm (And we are still alive...)

The alien old woman waits outside the church, and on impulse I walk up to talk to her.

"You come to church often?"

"No..." She shakes her head. "On'y to them funerals. Might be some ol' friend. Good to be able to say goodbye." She squints at me. "But now I had nuthin' for it. Too young, this one. Your mum?"

I nod, meeting her open, curious gaze.

She shakes her head. "T'sad, wi' young gels like you sayin' goodbye to their mothers. Too early."

I smile tiredly. "She was in much pain. She is fine now."  
"Cor, can be a bi' o relief when it's like that. Ill, was she?"

"No. But... Our father is not... nice."

Her gaze goes a bit more alert. "Wife-beater, is he?"

I nod, and realise to my surprise that it feels good to talk about it like this, to this bird-eyed old woman who has already lived her share and is just waiting for the day when she will know that it'll be over. Who knows death every day.

She spits on the ground. "Vermin, all of 'em."

I smile a little wider. "You expressed that very accurately."

She answers my smile, patting my shoulder. "Your brother takes it hard, does he not?" she wonders, nodding in Severus' general direction.

"He is angry. So am I, but I... learnt to accept things."

"Coo, some things are li' that. Can't argue much with death, I always says."

"Yes. But some things shouldn't be accepted. It's just hard to... find the energy to do anything. He's better than me there."

She gives me a sly look. "You're not too daft, are you?"

"I try to avoid it."

She gives me a few-toothed grin. "That's the spirit. Me, I always tried to avoid getting stupid. Didn't think I'd forgive meself. But it's hard to know when you're an ol' crone, and has nune to talk to except the cats and the old portraits and me, you know."

"I can see that."

"Alex?" Severus suddenly appears at my side, eyes downcast, voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I'm coming." I turn back to the old woman, giving her a friendly nod. "I have to get home now. But it was nice to meet you. I'm Alexita Neidorsdaughter." I stick out my hand to her, and she takes it with a smile.

"A little backwards, this feels, doin' the introduction last of all. But I'm Victoria Scrapes. Vicky, you can call me. Nice to have met you, lass."

"Nice to have met you, too." And we both nod at each other one more time, before I turn to Severus, and she starts walking down the hill.

Severus, obviously not wanting to talk more than necessary, only gives me a questioning gaze.

"I... I got this impulse that I should talk to her, and... well... She was so very old. Felt right to talk to her about..."

"Death."

I take slip myself in under his arm, leaning slightly against him, and at the same time giving him a chance to lean against me. I can see thankfulness flash briefly in his eyes, and he shifts some of his weight over on me. There is not much left in him to keep him walking now.

We walk up to his grandparents, waiting in silence by their car.

His grandmother steps forward slightly. "Where do you want to go now?"

Severus looks at her earnestly. "I don't want to go anywhere. I never needed anyone to take care of me."

She nods. "The Ministry won't accept that. But you have not much time left before you're counted as an adult. We... we could act as your guardians. You'll get to live wherever you want to, and we get to know that we at least did something right. Because you'll hardly want to live with us and have Blacks running about you all day?" A hint of a smile curl her lips. Severus chuckles coldly.

"Not if I can avoid it. But I thank you for your offer. I... accept it."

They smile and look relieved.

"Very well. But only if you sell that old death-trap." They all look at me in surprise. "Will you please promise me that, Severus? Get someone to take the wards of the place, and sell it. Get yourself a new home. There is nothing more that you can possibly get from that horrible old building."

He gazes piercingly at me for several long seconds before nodding.

I smile up at him. "Thank you."

The both old ones look at us with speculative faces, and as one, we both smirk ironically at each other.

And I think: Sometimes, it feels very good to be just two about something. To be only one who truly understands what the other one is thinking.

Childish, perhaps, but very, very true.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By threatening the boys on pain of me getting really, REALLY annoyed, I manage to get them to stop follow me. I explain that I will have to be alone sometimes, to sort out my thoughts, and they all respect it. After me having glared at them for a while, granted, but let's not get petty.

And so I manage to spend more time than usual together with Severus, making sure that he is alight – well, relatively alright – and that I will not loose him to his grief. Then I am forced to interrupt my seclusion form the marauder before they will get suspicious. But at least I think I managed to bestow on Severus all the condolence I have in my power to give. I hope so. But then again, he would never tell me if he needed more. Too proud, the bloody bastard. And yes, that should come from me.

I spend the holidays at the Potter's house, and all marauders with parents are invited for a huge dinner on Christmas Eve, a highly successful event.

And so we spend our days, in a warm haze of love and happiness. But for me, there is a coldness lurking in the deepest chambers of my heart, and the joy is steadily leaking out from a hole in it. A hole where Julie should be. And every time I look at Jenny, I get a big lump in my throat, as I think: "That is what she truly deserved. That is what she had been like if she had been given the right to live a full life. And maybe Severus would be a whole and happy child like James, without having to fight every day for his right to exist. It is all so very unfair. Julie, who owned so much warmth and goodness and love, who's soul consisted of nothing so much as the longing to share this to all she met. To be so very cruelly abused and neglected... No, it is not fair.

But I cherish her memory in my heart, and try not to think of her sad, sad fate. And I do not cry myself to sleep anymore, my dreams about her are warm and peaceful. I see her standing by an old, beautiful cottage, and the air if full of the scents of summer. She waves, and far, far away I can hear her voice. "I am waiting for you, my loved, waiting for you and my dear son. You were right, Alexita, the pain has stopped now. I am happy." And then she smiles, and all the happiness and solace in this world is in that smile. "I shall wait for my parents as well. Remember that."

And then there is only light, and I know that she is safe. I know it. I write to Severus about my dream, and he the letter I receive is filled with something that is not quite like gratefulness, but comes very close.

The letter is stained with tears.

Now, watching the artificial summer morning outside my bedroom window, I am quite happily surprised by yet another letter from the infamous "Romeo".

"The fifth of January

1976

In a state of detachment.

Dear Juliet,

watching the snow embed the garden in its sleepy softness, taking a rest in cleaning out this "old death-trap" as you so accurately described it, I find myself quite lonely. I wish, my friend, that you were here. And thus, in accordance to the human inclinement to indulge in her own misery, I write to you, so that I may wallow in my painful regret that I am spending this night in company of the stillness of the winter garden and my own deluded thoughts.

Before you think me so cruel, let me assure you that I am far from wishing your conscience to be plagued by this. I know full well that our spending time together is largely rendered impossible by circumstances that you cannot help; This hindersome love that others feel for you.

I am now to beg your apology, fair Juliet. I have a very mean quill, you see, and the heart that is torn by the claws of envy tend to be unfair. I take back my censure, my scathing words, and wish you to forget them in this very moment as you read. It was naught but a dream, a slip into the world of the mind's deception; I beg you, do think no more of it, that you may not know how weak I occasionally can get. (Yet I am still going to be so insolent as to blame it all on you; It is all your fault, dear friend, this uncanny weakness of mine, and I will never forgive you for it. For shame, Juliet! For shame!)

See there; A whole letter full of absolute nonsense! An abomination, a bad jest, yes, a mockery of the art of writing! Is truly my mind – from my loneliness – so diverted, as to prevent me from expressing any clear thoughts even to you, dearest friend? What a tragicomic figure I am indeed!

I shall end this miserable attempt to kill the time which threatens to suffocate me, put down my quill, and go back to my deranged contemplations. Adieu, my friend, and forgive me for intruding so meanly.

With every wish of your well-being,

Romeo."

I sigh, leaning my head in my hands. So lonely he must be... Even the house-elves are gone now, as Dumbledore kindly gave them work in the Hogwarts gardens. And his aunt was moved to a hospital as soon as they realised what horrible state she was in. There is not much hope for her, though. Apparently, she had not been sufficiently taken care of for quite a while. Whatever happened in the old Snape manor during the last week of Julie's life, we will never know. And that is probably a good thing.

We can only assume that Severus' father, already a psychopath, by some reason was pushed over the edge into full-out madness. Probably, he managed to imagine up some reason to that Julie should be punished, and thus he sad story finally took an end.

Severus' father is being held at a isolated cell for psychopathic criminals at Azkaban, deemed guilty on all charges. Which is only what he deserved.

I guess I should feel pity; his madness was probably not his own doing. But after what he did to Julie, the way he has destroyed her life in almost every possible way, I can feel nothing but the deepest loathing towards him. She loved him. Him wasting this love and giving less than nothing back is a thing I cannot forgive.

Ever.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time seems so immaterial, it does not matter anymore.

Because no matter how many seconds that pass through our fingers, they cannot measure a person's life. It is what passes through the heart that matters, so much I have learnt.

And the numbing grief after Julie taught me love for life like I never experienced it before. And thus I try to live in every second, to love and care, even though it is hard. My heart is still covered in frost, I cannot feel for strangers, have problems caring when people are hurting. Oh, I've tasted love beyond anything, and I TRY to be just as good, to forgive and understand, I really do.

But sometimes, when I watch the folly and blindness that surrounds me, I feel nothing but contempt. It is so easy to slip into it, feels so good to be cold and distant, to look down at people. And I wonder why I should care, why I should bother to try and be nice, when there are so many of the people around me that will never try to do the same for me, because I bear the loneliness of a Stranger in my soul.

And then there is the magic. I am VERY powerful. It is hard not to notice. The teachers marvel and are scared at the same time. The times are dark, and Lord Voldemort is recruiting followers everywhere. And they see that this young, talented girl has the same hunger that made him so dangerous. Of course, I would not dream of it. Both my sides oppose themselves wildly against it. The Nice Side talks of love for her friends and unwillingness to act a monster, when I myself has lived under the heels of such people. The Not-So-Nice Side is proud, would never give herself of to the command of another, would never bend to anyone's will. But I know the hunger for power within myself, and even though I would never walk the same path as Voldemort, I am afraid that I might not turn out a very nice person at all. But I guess I will just do my choices, and see where I end up. As long as I choose for myself, I cannot regret.

Voldemort, yes... He is gaining power at a terrible rate now. No one knows who to trust anymore, and the letters with a black sign from the ministry arrives much more frequently with the owl post each morning. Oh, they are feared, these letters. Because they only communicate death. Death of a mother, a father, a sister or brother, an uncle or aunt. Of a cousin, a grandparent, a close friend.

It is horrible to see the faces of those who find these letters among their mail. Some of them starts to cry, some scream, some just stare, pale and uncomprehending. And when they – with fumbling fingers and trembling hands – finally opens the letters and read, you can read their expressions like were each feeling a word written in their foreheads. Fear, shock, anger, sorrow, hate. And then they look up, meeting the gaze of everyone in the room, staring back at them. And then there is only one overwhelming, numbing knowledge:

It's too late. For someone, somewhere, everything is now too late. And the next time it might be someone I know.

A Gryffindor girl in the boy's year lashes out in anger at me, as we all come to give her our condolences after she has lost her aunt. Her parents are still at St. Mungos, and it is not certain that they will survive. She stares at me with red-rimmed eyes, and her voice breaks from sorrow, as she vents out her endless frustration at the first target possible.

"What do you know of fear?" she spits. "You hated your parents, were glad to be rid of them, so don't stand there and look like you understand! You don't understand anything, you hear me? And that goes for you too!" She turns on Sirius, staring wildly at him. "Probably were one of your family who killed him anyway!" Hysteric, a cold, analytic voice in the back of my mind tells me. She does not know what she is saying anymore. But the harm is already done. Sirius turns and flees.

Pushing her back in her chair, where she collapses, I then look her square in the eye, making certain that she meets my gaze. "I live with the Potters. It is true that I hated my parents, and when I came to them, I was a wreck. You cannot imagine the state of emotional as well as mental decay that most parts of me were in. And they took care of me, along with my other friends; made me whole again. And they are, as well as the parent's of Remus and Peter, in the line of fire. So yes, I do understand the fear very well. And believe me when I say that I know how it is to loose someone you love. And as for Sirius, he knows more pain than you can possibly understand. Can't you see that? Can't you understand that a part of him still loves his family, no matter how big gits they are, a part that mourns because of them? A part that wants back the affection he could feel for them when he was not old enough to understand what they were. Feelings are not always black and white. You hurt him badly by saying that. I suggest you apologise, or I shall think you no better than those creeps who cheer when those letters arrive."

And I storm away, leaving the girl gasping in surprise.

My rage is white-hot as I tear the Map from my pocket, scanning it for the familiar dot with the label "Sirius Black". I guess it was wrong to get so mad at this girl, she is beside herself with grief and anger. But her words hurt me, and what is worse, she hurt my friend! I cannot feel any sympathy right now, even though I will probably regret this later on. I am not tolerating this! I am very protective when it comes to my friends, and I am loath to see them harmed.

Then I turn really nasty.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find him by the lake, angrily throwing stones into the water. The whole scene seems stolen from a romantic movie in some way. It's so typical, there is almost always a scene where the protagonist sits/stands by a beach, throwing stones into the water. And the mild spring breeze that makes his hair whip around his face is obviously doing everything to heighten the filmic quality.

"Padfoot..."

He does not turn around, just stares out over the water.

I sit down beside him, putting my hand at his shoulder in the same motion.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He quickly shakes his head. Then, after I have waited for a minute or so, he slowly nods, eyes downcast.

I know he won't talk spontaneously, so I throw a wild guess at him.

"It's mostly Regulus, is it not?"

I can see by the way he flinches that I just hit bulls-eye. "You don't want to hate him, right?"  
"I do" he snaps. And then, much quieter: "And I don't."

"He's your brother. No one can blame you for loving him."  
"I can! He is... he belongs to my mother. His mind is hers."

"But he hasn't always been like that?"  
"Yes" he sighs heavily "yes he has. But I haven't always been like this."

"Oh."

"I was more or less a...prat, actually. I mean, I was raised to look down on people, to be nonchalant and arrogant. To favour pure-bloods. And when I first came to the Hogwarts Express, I immediately picked out James, since I knew that he was of a very old family and seemed to be... nice. And on the journey there, we really became friends. And we started talking about houses, and naturally, he said that he'd rather die than get to Slytherin, and that he wanted to go to Gryffindor like his parents." He smiled crookedly at the memory. "Imagine my shock. Here was a guy that I really liked and... I guess I admired him for speaking his mind in a way that I had previously never known from anyone of our age. A child in the Black family is taught to know its place. And then he just rides all over everything I've ever heard, and the worst thing is that I really felt inclined to BELIEVE him. An then..." his eyes, so very distant, seems to try to look through the mist of all this time, and I can see in his face that he relives the memory passing before his mind's eye. "...then there was shouting out in the corridor, and we both slunk out to see what was happening. I knew Lucius Malfoy, or rather: I had met him. He usually ignored me, which was exactly as it should be, as he was older. Anyway, he was torturing a small, incredibly skinny and pale guy, stealing his things and passing them on to his friends. And I was just about to laugh and make a remark, when James stormed out into the corridor and gave the prat a right ding around the ear in pure fury. I gaped. What kind of way to react was that? And towards a person who was OLDER than he was!" He laughs bitterly. "You see how horrible I was? But James did not seem to notice, just stepped over to the skinny guy, who had tears in his eyes and was pressing himself up against the wall, as if he wanted to push himself through it. I heard them talk in low voices, and then James turned at me, who still to shocked to move. He grinned at me and gestured at the pile of stuff that Malfoy and his friends had left. 'Will you help me and Remus with his things?' he asked. As if nothing really big and earthshaking had happened. As if the universe was still ticking along in it's old tracks."

He shakes his head at the memory. "And I did. I did help. And it felt good. It felt good to stuff the things it into the trunk, felt good to see Remus looking so grateful, felt good to talk to him and see how glad he was about it. And I thought to myself that I wanted to be as brave as James, I also wanted the courage to... to make people happy, I guess. All of it was so totally new and unfamiliar, yet it all felt so... right." He smiles now, even though he looks a bit sad. "And I got into Gryffindor simply by wishing this. And when I saw that idiot McNair and Bella making the life miserable for a guy in our class a week later, I did not hesitate to push 'em away. Earned me a Howler, but it felt right, so it was worth it. And that's how we got Pete into our little group."

I nod. "Makes sense. But I guess things got unpleasant when you got home?"

He makes a face. "All hell got loose when I came home! My mother and father took turns in shouting on me. And doing things that were worse... Anyway, what was more awful than that was that my brother... He begged me to do something to change House, to apologize to people that I had "insulted", so that Mother wouldn't be upset anymore. I was furious with him, and threw him out of my room. Big mistake, I get that now. From that moment, he tried in every way to show mother that HE at least would do as she said. As a sort of compensation. And a way to give back on me for being so tough on him. And he just continued that way. But... but he is still just... just Regulus... I mean... there isn't any real difference... you understand?"

He looks at me pleadingly.

"Yes. Because he did not change. You did. But you couldn't stop loving him."

"Sort of like that. And I've tried to make him understand that he us acting a absolute arse, but he won't listen!" He flings out his arms in exasperation. I quirk an eyebrow at him.

"You didn't use EXACTLY those words, did you? Because then I can understand why he didn't."

"I'm not THAT stupid. But anyway... Since he started here, he has been constantly avoiding me. My mother's advice. She didn't want me to scare off his good, pure-blooded, stuck up arseholes of friends. And I guess that it's good in a way, since mother doesn't get to know about who you REALLY are, but..."

"But it hurts."

"...yes."

I sneak myself under his arm, hugging him. "You big, silly git! Do you think anybody thinks worse of you because of you liking your brother?"

"Does it matter? I could like him as much as I want, he would still be his mother's puppet. And besides, I don't like what he DOES."

I lean against him, and I can feel his arm around me tightening. "So what about your parents?"

"I cannot like them anymore. Too many hard words, too many punches, kicks and slaps." His voice is strained. "But it still feels like shit. Because I can remember a time when they could like me, when I could like them. And I want it back, and at the same time, I want to be what I am. I don't want to be like them anymore."

"I know what you feel there."

I looks down at me in surprise. "Do you?"

"Are you kidding me? When I was nine or ten years old, I would've given anything to get back a mother who loved me, a mother I could love. But I still hated her for shutting me out. And at weak moments, I can long back to the period when my father's love was pure and unselfish, when he really adored ME, the little girl I was. Not my body. Sometimes, it happens. But I would never go back for all the butterbeer in the world."

"You never do seize to surprise me, you know."

I grin at him. "That's a part of my charm."

"I guess I had myself to blame for that one?"

"Yes."  
He has a nasty tendency to tickle me every time he has nothing left to say. Like now.

You have to love him.


	15. For the sake of my living heart

Chapter Fifteen 

For the sake of my living heart (Why can't the SEE?!)

And to no surprise, the spring passes into early summer, with OWLs for the boys and general hysteria as we all face the final exams and some tons of schoolwork. Peter almost has a nervous breakdown, and I and Remus spend almost as much time helping him as on our own homework. He's good at curses, though. Uncommonly good, strangely enough.

And as Lady Summer tightens her grip over the world, my mood goes down. I do not like the sun very much, and there hardly seems to be a day without her jaunty, eye-piercing face adorning the skies. I do better in darkness; I do not feel so very exposed.

But I should probably get outside and move around a bit. The boys are probably there already, their OWLs in Defence Against The Dark Arts must be done by now. Uplifted by the thought, I grab a book (The Master and Margarita by Michail Bulgakov) and sweep down through the castle. Even though I don't like the sun itself, I like the life it brings to the world, the scents that fill the air and the return of the birds. I happen to like birds, since I am – as most people might've noticed by now – an egocentric, even though most of the songbirds actually are on my menu more than anything else. Oh, well...

Being done by the stairs, that require all my attention since they sometimes move around a bit, I pick up the book and start to read where I left it.

"The hour of midnight was near, so haste was of importance. Margarita looked around in the gloom. She could extinguish the candles and a luminous basin. When Margarita stood at the bottom of the basin, Hella and Natasja poured a warm, thick red liquid over her. Margarita felt the a salty flavour against her lips and understood that she was being bathed in blood..." I am totally caught up by the story when I descend the (thankfully enough) stationary stairs down to the flung-open gates facing the Hogwarts grounds. I feel the mild air ruffling my hair, and the feeling of open space around me grows strong. I wonder if I shall sit down somewhere and wait for the boys to spot me, when a stray line shouted out at my left seems to penetrate my whole being.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?!"

James. I spin around, taking in the scene, taking in all the feelings of those standing there. The determination to hurt from the bullies, the thirst for more, the grim amusement of the crowd, Peter's admiration and intimidation, Remus's uneasiness and uncertainty, and worse that all that, worse than anything, a humiliation too huge and overbearing for my heart to cope with without this piecing feeling of... pain. Pain in its deepest and most excruciating form.

And I am running across the grass, running because I know that if I wouldn't be myself, wouldn't bear with myself if I didn't.

Cheered by the crowd, James makes a sign to Sirius, and they both grin. They lift their wands...

"STOP!"

My cry rings over the ground, breaks the air into a million, sharp fragments that fall towards the earth. Through the air, through my brain, through everything that is me, tearing up long, infected wounds as they crash from one eternity of time to the next.

James and Sirius look up, staring in incomprehension. I raise my wand.

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

James's wand flies out of his grasp, he himself stumbles to his knees. But it won't be enough... not for... I can't...

I arrive at the group of people, marching through the lane opening among them. To my secret, secret friend. And to James, numbly getting to his feet. And to Sirius, still staring blankly at me as I approach.

I slap him. Straight across the face. SNAP! my hand goes, and he is so shocked that he stumbles backwards, tripping and falling. He stares at me from the ground. The spell is broken. There is a muffled sound as Severus goes crashing to the ground.

I don't even look at him, knowing as I do that that would wound him more than anything else right now. Cannot do that to him, even though my heart weeps for him. Cannot be selfish. Not now. At some point, it has to be too late to be selfish.

I look at my friends, and everything, every atom of air around me, every feathery cloud above me, every single straw of grass, but most of all two pair of eyes, staring at me... everything sits like an icicle of pain driven straight through my heart.

"How can you? How can you do this to me?"

My whisper echoes in the silence.

"How can you talk about my old bullies being prats, James, when you act the same yourself? How can you talk about the bravery of doing good, Sirius, and then torture a person out of pure SPITE?!" My voice grows louder for each trembling syllable. "How can you hold me and laugh with me and be my friends and still act like my worst enemies once did?!! And still not SEE what you are doing?!!!"

People are backing now, looking at each other uneasily. This is not some guys they barely know having a bit of fun with a Stranger. This is different. This is PERSONAL.

But I notice that they have not let Severus out of the circle. He stands there, one of the main characters in this ironic tragedy, turned away and frozen.

"I am disappointed in you. I've thought so much more of you, than it seems that you deserved. It hurts so much to hate you for this. Because I love you. But I don't know if it matters anymore."

I turn on heel, staring at the crowd. "Go away, vultures. There is no more blood for you to drink, no more hearts to devour, no more pain to nurture you. And Peter..." He backs, as I turn on him. "I wanted to help you. But you can't even help yourself."

The people in the crowd is drifting away now, looking embarrassed, flustered and angry. Severus is already on his way from here, walking in a manner that tells me that he needs every grain of self-control to keep from running.

My eyes fall upon Remus. He meets my gaze with an expression of calm self-contempt, and his lips silently form tree words.

"I am sorry."

I turn and run.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lily catches up with me on my wild flight through the corridors.

"Alex! ALEX!"

I stop, collapsing against a wall, my head lolling forward. Slowly, I slide into a sitting position. She falls to her knees beside me, putting a comforting hand at my shoulder. She is still breathing hard from running.

"I... I am sorry, Alex... I... I was there... and I tried to help him, but... he called me a... a... and I was just so angry... I... couldn't help myself...Look, I'm sorry I couldn't do more, but he had no right to..."

She looks absolutely mortified, and I can actually see her wiping a tear out of those emerald eyes. But at the same time, there is steel in her gaze. Lily is not a girl that will let herself be stepped on quietly.

"It's fine... I... understand." I try to keep my voice from trembling, but to no avail. "It was my battle to fight. They had to hear it from me, this time."

She sits down with her back against the wall. The corridor is deserted, since no one in their right mind would hang out in the dungeons on a day like this. So I guess it suits me to do just that.

"So?"

"So what?"

"So what will happen now?"

"I don't know. I'll have to apologise to Sev, I guess."

"Apologise?"

"It's horrible to be saved like that, even though the alternative is worse. I told you."

"I... I guess so. And the boys?"  
I lean my head backwards against the rough stone, feeling its coldness behind me like a strange kind of security. "I really don't know about that either. I just hope they will... understand."

"Remus will."

"Remus does" I confirm. "But James and Sirius..."

"Peter, then?"  
"He'll follow the lead of the others. Sad but true, he has no real opinion."

Her eyes narrow. "You know, I was actually thinking about that..."

"So was I."

"The same thing?"

"Emily?"

"Yes."

"Almost thought so. But... oh, I don't know anymore. It hurts so much already. I just don't think I am up for telling them the whole story. To let them know... I just can't take it. I... I'd rather take it step by step."  
"It won't be easy anyway."

"No. I know."

"So wouldn't it be best if you just got it over and done with? Is it really worth all this inner torment?"

I sigh, feeling weary and distressed. "Maybe. Maybe not. I just don't think I am strong enough. We will see, won't we?"

She looks at me earnestly. "You think you're in danger of falling in love with anyone of them?"

I choke a bit on that one. "What was that?"  
"Just a simple question. It would complicate things a bit, would it not?"

"It would. And that's why I will avoid it."

I gives me a long searching look, then nods once. "I see. Well... I just wanted you to know that I... I'm on your side, right? Whichever one that might be."

"My own, I think. That's how it usually is. I am egoistic, as I've pointed out earlier."

"Not as much as you make of it. You do this for them."

"And for myself, Lily. That's what it boils down to. I do it for them because of myself."

"I don't really know about that. But have it your way. I will keep thinking the best of you in silence."

I smile at her, and she smiles back, with all that genuine warmth that is hers. Her hand squeezes my shoulder, and I feel... guilt. And anger. And fear. And just... everything. Every suppressed feeling comes streaming back in a huge wave

And now I can cry.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't really know how much time I've spent under the blanket in my bed, when I hear quiet footfalls in the corridor outside. The door creaks.

"Alex?"  
"Go away, Peter!"

"Eh... no..."

I stick out my head, glaring at him. "How did you manage to get here anyway?"

"Eh... I nagged on Emily... she wouldn't let Pads or Prongs up, and Moony only says that we should leave you alone..."

"Clever boy. What do you want?"

"Well..." He falters, looking down at his feet. "We just wanted... that is..." he bites his lip. Then, very quietly: "Don't be angry with us, Alex."  
"Too late. I already am."

"But... but I don't understand. You hate him just as much as we do. Don't you?"  
"I doesn't matter" I snap irritably. "It doesn't matter the slightest what I think of him. What matters is that I still act like a civilized person, something that they weren't. What matters is that they were plain out BULLYING him! What matters is that they were hitting on a person that was LYING DOWN! He was defenceless, and yet they continued! And none of you said ANYTHING to stop them!"

I turn away from him, curling my body into a tight ball, biting down the threatening sob. "After all you've said, after all you did... After all that, you were still unable to show that you were an ounce better than those idiots who have been making my life miserable for four whole years."

I can feel the blanket getting a bit tauter, as he sits down at the edge of my bed. "I... I'm sorry..."

"I'm sure you are. Sorry that I saw. But I don't think you're sorry that you did that to him."

"Now I am. Please, Wing."

I sigh, trying to stay properly angry, but failing miserably. "Fine. But it does not matter. Because it won't change, and as long as it won't, I will HAVE to continue avoiding you. For the sake of what I am as well as they. You tell them that."

I can HEAR how he shudders. "In the mood that those two are in right now, I wouldn't tell them such a thing to save my soul."

"Angry?"

He laughs nervously. "Angry does not really cover it."

I give a humourless laugh. "They feel like they've been unfairly treated, do they?"

"Well... you never said anything before..."

"I thought that they would come to their minds sooner or later. Grow up. A dreadfully stupid mistake, I admit, but one could always hope, right?"

"Please... will you just talk to them? I don't think they would... listen... to me."

"Why don't you MAKE them listen?"

"What?!"

"Oh, never mind." I sigh, crawling out from under my blanket. "I guess I'll have to postpone my sulking. Take me to your leader."

"Huh?"

"Eh... forget it. Just come."

I can hear him muttering something like "Is there ANY point in trying to understand this girl?"

"What was that?"

"N...Nothing..."

Groaning inwardly, I brush past him into the corridor. Things will never change! If I only could hate...

But love always was stronger.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well?"

I sweep down the stairs, keeping my back straight, my eyes averted. I cannot meet their eyes. Not yet. Emily slips past me on her way up, her gaze fixed at the floor, hands curled into nervous fists.

I hear shuffling, as they rise up. The common-room is empty, it is probably quite late.

"Well what?" James's voice.

"I got the impression that you wanted to speak to me. So speak."  
I can hear Sirius growl in anger. James seems uneasy, as he answers. "What the bloody hell was that all about?"  
"Me preventing you from acting prats. What did it look like?"

They both hiss in rage. "It looked like you taking Snivellus' side." Sirius' voice is low, something that is ten times worse than hi shouting. I am used to him shouting when he is angry. Him not doing it must mean that he really is furious.

"When it comes to your behaviour right then: Rather him than you two."

"What?!"  
"He may be a git" – not that I think so – "but he wasn't the one who was kicking on a person who was lying down."

"He would've done the same to us if he could!"  
"But you are TWO, and he's totally alone. And do you really want to sink to his level?" I have to look at them now. Sighing, I lift my gaze.

Sirius is standing by the hearth, the dying embers of the fire casting their sullen glow over his face. His eyes are like black, merciless openings in his skull, and the sensitive lips are pulled into a disapproving line.

James is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his chest. Defensive position, I think grimly. But his face is forbidding, and his hazel eyes are flaming with barely suppressed anger.

Remus is the only one sitting down, the only one that is not prepared for fight. His face is a mask of solemnity and grave watchfulness, totally devoid of any stronger emotion. But his eyes – turned into an animal yellow in the dim light – are sad.

"We just..."  
"You just thought that you were bored, and wanted something to amuse you."

"How can you know...."

"Well, it wasn't him that started it."  
"How can you know that?"

"Can you deny that it was you who did?"  
Sirius fall quiet, staring angrily at his own feet. "Almost thought so. Look, whatever you might say about Snape..."

"Snivellus..."  
"...he is not stupid" I finish, ignoring James' contribution. "He wouldn't try to take on you both."

"No, he would wait until some of us were alone and strike us from behind."  
"Maybe so. But that's HIM being a git. That doesn't affect me in the same way, since I don't spend every day along with him." – lies, but what can I do? – "But my friends acting complete arseholes is something that I cannot ignore. That is something that has to do with ME. And it's alright that you fight with Snape, it's alright that you defend yourself from him, but when you deliberately provoke him with the sole purpose of humiliating and hurting him, then it isn't alright anymore. So I want you to stop it."

"Or else what?" Sirius demands.

I stare at him for some seconds, then turn away to hide the tears pressing against the back of my eyelids. "There is no 'Or else', Padfoot. I am your friend. That's why I am doing this, haven't you gotten that yet? I am begging you to do this for the sake of love and care and shared laugh and tears, not because I will punish you if you don't. I am asking you, as my friends, not to hurt me like this. I am asking you to do something for the sake of me, for the sake of my happiness."

He does not answer, nor does James. I am weeping silently now, and they can't see it, can't hear it.

"That's what you do for friends, isn't it?" I whisper.

"It is." Remus says. I can hear Sirius and James gasp in surprise, and I risk a peek over my shoulder. He is standing up now, but he is looking neither defiant or angry. Just very, very determined. "For friends, you risk things, you give things up. Isn't that what you said to me a certain day in the second year?"

"But... but that was only..."

"Oh, yes. I suppose lycantrophia is a cakewalk in comparison to the untameable urge to bully a fellow student" Remus dryly says. "And it must've been ten times easier to become unregistered animagi than just to stop with that nonsense."

Sirius once more growls, and James' eyes narrow. "And who's side are you on anyway, Moony?"

"Alex's side. And so should you. Or aren't you her friends anymore?"

And then, to my infinite surprise, they both cave. Dropping their gazes, their shoulders sagging, they both sit down.

"Yes. Yes we are." James mutters. "What would the marauders be worth otherwise?"

"We wouldn't BE the marauders without Alex." Sirius ads quietly.

"I knew you would see things my way" Remus says with a smile. "Now, Alex... Are we forgiven?"

"If you try to stop it."

"I won't be passive anymore, at least. But Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail will have to speak for themselves. Guys?"

And slowly, Sirius stands up to stand by my side, clutching my shoulder. James soon follows, with Peter in his heels.

"We'll really try" James sighs. "But you can't expect us to LIKE him."

"Who said anything about that? This isn't about him. This is about me not wanting bullies for best friends." Keep still my heart, do not give away my secret! Tremble not, my hands, lest they might see I am not speaking the whole truth...

But Sirius smiles. "Right. Then we'll try. For you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry."

He does not answer, but I can see his gaze harden.

"I know it was selfish. But I had to do it."

"And I guess they know nothing of the truth?"  
"No. Nothing."

"Remind me to be surprised."  
My breath catches on a lump of tears that obviously has gotten stuck in my chest, but I have to continue. "With a risk of sounding like Peter: Please don't be angry with me."

"Too late."

"And I deserve it."

"Yes."

I sit down beside him, ignoring the fact that the grass is damp from dew and a short shower of rain during the night. He sits about a meter from me, leaned against a tree, his head tilted backwards as if he is trying to outstare the uncaring sky. But there are no tears on his face as the last time I met him here. In fact, it is just as empty as the sky.

"PLEASE, Severus..."

"Did you want anything?"

The cold comment makes me shiver, literally. I feel empty.

"I'm sorry."

"So you said."

"Don't you care? Not even a little?"

He closes his eyes. "If I didn't, I wouldn't be this angry, now would I?"

"I... I guess so. I... I just wish things would not be so hard, I guess."

"Did anyone ever say that it would be easy?"

"Point... I... I think I've got them to stop, at least..."

"You know that I don't give a bloody damn, don't you?"  
"If you didn't, you wouldn't have shouted at Lily."

He opens his eyes, giving me a politely puzzled gaze, eyebrows raised.

"You keep forgetting that I've lived through that myself."

"It's quite easy, considering certain facts." he notes dryly.

"True. But as long as there is anger and pain, you will take it out on the easiest and most available target. Namely, Lily."

"She should keep out of it."

"She does not only do it for herself, you know. She really does care."

"Do you see me giving a damn?"  
I hiss. "Now you are being silly, Severus!"

His eyes suddenly flames with anger, his features contorting. "And why shouldn't I?! Why can't I be allowed to be silly and angry and selfish once in a while? It's funny that you always seem to shrug it off when it comes to... when it comes to Black, but when it comes to me...!" As words fail him, he is content with just glaring at me.

And the first thought that strikes me is: Oh, god, he is jealous!

And the second is: And why shouldn't he?

I move closer, putting a gentle hand at his cheek. "You're right. I'm sorry." I tell him as softly as I can. He bites his lip, and I can see him battling furiously against the tears. "Let them come, Severus. There is no shame in that."  
Swiftly, he suddenly reaches out towards me, pulling me up in a tight hug. "I'm sorry. Sorry for... for everything."

I lean my head against his chest, and feel warm liquid against my hair. Tears. "I don't know how I ever managed without you. Please don't give up on me" I whisper "please hang on with me. It won't be forever."

"I could wait forever."

"Don't give promises that are beneath you. I have no right to crave that of you.

"No. I know. But there you are."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And my third year at Hogwarts comes to an end. I have to say that I won't die from boredom here at least.

"What are you reading?"  
I sigh deeply. "Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë."

"Any good?"

"A classic."

"Snob."

"Shut your face."

"But Alex, then...!"

"Sirius!"

"Yes?" His eyes widen in completely fake innocence.

"Will you please bugger off?"

"No." The angelic face is replaced by a huge grin. He leans back, flopping his feet up on the table in front of him, throwing his hair backwards, all in one graceful, fluid movement. Silly, silly boy.

"You're a prat."

He continues grinning, quirking his eyebrows at me. "You are hurting me deeply."

"My ass I am."

"Tss. What you girls don't see is that all boys are really sensitive and caring beings on the inside. Even handsome ones like me."

"God, you're hopeless."

"Heartless girl."

"I am sure your last victim said something similar about you" Remus mutters without even looking up from his book.

"Victim? VICTIM?!"

"That Ravenclaw brunette. Eloise, if I am not mistaken."

"What? I just..."

"Maybe so. But she was hurt nonetheless."

"Well, she was in on it the whole time!"

"While you were halfway out the door. The whole time."

"But it wasn't serious" he defends himself, and I know that he really does not see what he has done wrong.

"Not for you. But did you ever stop to think about if it was for her?" Remus looks up, golden-brown eyes intently watching the face of his friend.

"Uhm... I just assumed..."

"Exactly." He sighs at Sirius' hurt expression. "I am not claiming that you ARE heartless, Sirius. I just wish that you would think about what you are doing before you do any permanent manage. You do realise that you might just walk all over someone who is actually in love with you?"

"Uhm..."

"Girls are not things." He ads shortly, once more gazing down into his book. Sirius stares at him, at complete loss of words. I am glad that someone finally explained these simple matters to the great Heartbreaker King. Hopeless boy, to not even notice himself how many girls that have cried themselves to sleep over him.

Letting my gaze stray to Remus, I shake my head. It is a wonder that HE is not as swarmed about by girls as Sirius is. He is just as handsome, if you take the time to notice, but in a more delicate and subtle way than Pads. On top of that, he is intelligent, sensitive, wise, honest, has a really wonderful sense of humour when he wants to, is responsible, and is generally everything a girl should want.

But he doesn't bid himself out in the same way. He does not smile at any girl showing even the slightest interest, does not flaunt himself in the same way, doesn't brag. He is shy and drawn-back, and I guess that is what makes the difference. He is not an easy target, not much for the "Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!"- thing. He's more someone that you... that you are serious about, I guess. And everybody at Hogwarts are teenagers or younger. In that age, most people are not ready to be serious about their infatuations.

And then there is the dangerous-factor. Many girls, by some odd reason, fall very easily for the bad-guy type, the one that is very likely to dump you before the week is over. Remus is more the nice-guy-type.

And that is definitely not a bad thing.

The third factor is obviously that Remus himself does not wish to get involved with anybody. He does not want to risk being dumped and hurt over his sad predicament, and then maybe having the news out over the whole school. Nor does he want to keep the secret from his partner. And on top of that, he does not wish to burden anyone with this, should the person stay. He feels it as his responsibility to keep himself at a safe distance from everything that has to do with love-affairs. He has put himself outside, and people do notice, instinctively erasing him from the list of Possibilities.

I know that I am very much outside this world as well, looking in at it without being a part of it. Kisses and cuddles... No, I do not really think I could handle it, thinking of who it was that kissed me the last time. Falling in love? Too bothersome. I don't need one more thing to drain my powers from me. I have enough as it is. And it hurts. I have seen the pain that sometimes flickers over James's face when he watches Lily. He does not shrug off her rejections as easily as it seems, understandably enough.

Yet it is lonely. At Valentine's day it just felt like I wanted to bury myself somewhere. And I was not alone. I noticed how Violet sat like an envious shadow, watching other girls giggle over cards from boyfriends or admirers. I noticed how Peter blushed and looked away at inquiries from the other boys, looking like he just wanted to bolt. I noticed Severus smile mirthlessly, turning his head away from his Housemates at breakfast, but there was a question in his eyes, the question that I could see reflected in the eyes of everyone that has gotten outside all that, that I could feel reflected in my own heart.

What does it feel like? Does your heart quicken the pace as you open one of those letters, how is it to read them, knowing people is watching? How is it to know that everyone counts you as someone's partner? How is it to have someone to smile secretively at, to kiss? To have someone that belongs to you?

Well, I guess you could point out that we are young, that it is far from being too late for any of us. But it is not easy anyway, and you feel just as excluded from the rest of the world. And there is that small fear of actually being one of those who actually never find someone. The fear of becoming like old Professor Mimosa. Who gets nearly hysterical at Valentine's day. Who yells at everyone showing even the slightest amount of non-platonic affection in her vicinity. Who everybody knows broke down and cried as one of the girls in one of her classes received a big bouquet of roses at the middle of one of her classes, and had to end it half-an-hour earlier.

I guess it's silly, but I guess that is only to be expected. Because even though we are very many, we are all alone.


	16. Induced love

Chapter Sixteen 

Induced love (The hardest thing I ever did)

"Why are you looking so smug, Padfoot?" James asks, as Sirius steps into the common-room with a big grin adorning his lips.

Peter rolls his eyes. "He has a new girl, off course."

"What? We haven't been back for three days together, and you are already...?"  
Sirius laughs nonchalantly, sitting down beside me in the couch. "Well, I've got a reputation to protect, you know..."  
I snort derisively, not even bothering to look at him. "And who is it now?"

"Ehm... someone you know..."  
"Who?"

"Umh... Baz..."  
"You hurt her, and you're dead, Sirius Black." No, it is not a threat. This is a fact.

"Hey, look, why would I hurt her? I like her!"

"...now." Peter mumbles under his breath.

"What was that, Wormtail?"  
"Nothing at all, Great One."

I look up, and I'm faced with a highly amusing scene. Sirius is staring transfixed a Peter, who is blatantly ignoring him.

"Okay, what happened to YOU?"  
"Happened to me?" His innocent face is ten times better than the one Sirius always puts on when he wants to avoid questions. But just as false.

"You're acting weird." Sirius snaps shortly. Peter sighs, closing his book carefully. But he is not as calm as he tries to make show off. Otherwise, he would be able to meet Sirius' gaze, not flit around with his eyes like was he trying to track the flight of an invisible fly. This guy has BIG problems with tackling confrontations.

"I happen to like Baz, and I know how most of your girlfriends end up."

"And how is that?"

"In shreds. So please be nice. She deserves it, Padfoot." Big puppy-dog eyes. Oh, god, it's contagious!

I notice that Emily is listening, frowning slightly. But there is also the smallest smile on her lips, as smile of... pride? I feel for whooping or something. I am SO a darned good match-maker, so help me all the penguins of hell.

"Right, I'll try not to do anything stupid. Fine enough?"

I laugh at him. "Don't promise more than you can give. Just give her a chance. For real. That's enough."

"Fine. Fine! Why is everyone angry with me?"

Remus groans, shaking his head. "No one is angry with you, Sirius. And we like to keep it that way. So play nice and be a good dog, and everything will be just fine. Okay?"

"Ha ha. Aren't those dog-jokes getting a bit thin?"  
"Not nearly enough" Remus says with a sly grin. "As long as they piss you off, they are funny."

"Damn you all!"

"Feeling the love, Pads."

"Gah!" He flings out his arms in exasperation, but there is the tiniest spark of amusement in his eyes, giving them a purplish lustre. "You're all impossible to talk to!"  
Remus takes on his best psychologist-face. "It is clear that you are just saying that because you have a trouble expressing your feelings, young man. You are trying to signal that you love us all desperately by exaggerated, misdirected gestures. But it's just fine, we all understand and are here to listen."

Sirius gives a growl, jumping onto Remus and tackling him to the floor, where he proceeds to tickle the life out of him. We watch in open amusement as Remus gives a false yawn, rolling his eyes, and quite easily throws off Sirius. You can never quite understand how strong he really is by looking at him. Granted, Sirius is about as strong, but Remus has more tactics, that is: He uses the brain that was given to him.

He rises up, looking down at his fallen comrade, and smiles friendlily.

"Beat you."

"I'm getting you one day!"

"Yeah. When you have learned how to fight."

"Not funny."

"For you, no."

And then Sirius laughs, and Remus helps him to his feet. At the same moment, Baz enters the room. Sirius gives her one of his most heart melting smiles, and she blushes crimson, fleeing up the stairs to her dormitory. Her eyes shine with badly-hidden exhilaration.

Oh, fuck.

She's in love. And I'll have to fix everything he breaks. That is, if there isn't a chance for him to fall in love with her? I really should hope so.

So why don't I?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why, why, why does everything have to get bollocksed up all the time? Everything seemed so easy just a while ago, and now I don't know in which direction to point, what to think, how to act; Nothing!

"You look cheerful."  
"Was that supposed to be funny? Because I'm not laughing, Severus."

He only quirks his eyebrows at me, smiling slightly. I fall backwards into an armchair, sighing deeply.

"Life sucks."

"I've been saying that for years."

"Shut up."

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong, or are you just here to sulk?"

"Can I choose alternative two?"

"Sure enough. I will gladly be your suppliant for a teddy bear."

"You're making fun of me.

"Why, of course I am."

I laugh reluctantly. "Am I that silly?"

"Worse. You act like a ten-year-old that has been crossed in love." I flinch, and his eyes narrow. "Struck a nerve, did I?"

Now, why is his voice so distant and cold? "Not exactly. It's about... a friend."

"A friend that has been crossed in love?" Is it only I, or did he just relax noticeably?

"Something like that, yes. It's... hard to explain." No, I REALLY do not want to talk about it with him. Not the truth. I could hardly come up with something more selfish, something that would torture him more. Honestly...

"I just... can't take having all these people around me. It's all so... complicated."

He says nothing, only nods. Well, I guess he is not to blame for not being able to understand. Really.

I fish out a book from my bag, slipping in the Map between the index and the cover, so that I will be able to check it at regular intervals. Not that I think anyone will be up at this ungodly hour, but I don't want to risk anything.

Absolved in my reading, I do not pick up the feeling of being watched until after some quarter of an hour. Surprised, since I know that we are alone in the room, I look up at Severus. His eyes immediately dart back to the pages, and the ever faintest blush creeps up on his pale cheeks.

Shrugging, if scowling slightly, I go back to my book, much more alert this time. After some minutes, I can feel his gaze once more.

"Do I have something between my teeth or something?" I ask without looking up.

I can hear him draw breath in surprise, but he recovers quickly. "No. I was just trying to make something out."

"What?"

"You" he says with a smile in his voice.

"I'm a girl. We're supposed to be enigmas. Don't spoil it."

"I'm doing my best."

"Absolutely no sympathy." I shake my head in mock reproach.

"No. I'm famous for it."

"More infamous."

"As always."

I look up, and he once more averts his gaze, even though I had felt it on me all the time during our conversation. "Is there something wrong?" I ask in a milder and more serious tone of voice.

He presses his lips together for a few seconds, but then shakes his head. "No."

"Are you sure?"

"Perfectly." He notices my doubting glance, and sighs. "Look, I am perfectly fine, alright? Nothing to worry about."

I nod, even if I still do not believe him.

And now what is this? More trouble for me to take care of? But how can I, if I do not even understand it?

If there ever was someone who claimed that life's easy, he or she must've been either stupid or sadistic or had a really warped sense of humour. Or all of the alternatives. Really.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And Sirius... tries.

He actually tries to be less of a teenage heartbreaker, and more of a boyfriend. Baz is so shocked and so happy that it cannot be described, and Sirius... He is also shocked, mostly because he actually finds his new role quite comfortable. I do not think that there have been many girls that have actually relied on him, trusted him. By all right, judging from what has happened to most of them.

And I am proud of him. And I am happy for Alezandra's sake. And I do wish them luck. And I like his behaviour towards her much better than his usual woman-eater manners. And... and why does it then hurt?

Why, to ask the simple question that it actually is, does it hurt me that Sirius is... is... is falling... falling in... in... love?

Why?

And with Baz, at that. This sweet, innocent girl in my class, that I swore to protect and take care of. I am happy! I am!

Damn it!!!

Sirius talked to me about it last night, I have memorised every word he said.

"It feels weird... Like... like when you forced me to actually care about her, I found out that I actually WANTED to care. She is so... vulnerable, if you know what I mean? She needs people. And I... I just..."

And he fell silent, looking down at his hands as if surprised that these hands by the merest touch could make a person happy. Surprised of what he actually could see now, that somebody could really CARE about him, not only... well, be together with him. That there was more to the affection of girls than he had thought of.

And I knew that what REALLY hurted was that instead of arranging things so that it was Baz who showed him this, it might've been...

Me. It might've been me.

And this hurts to know, because it is too late and most of all because...

I look up, seeing Sirius and Baz cuddling by the fire, keeping a whispered conversation. They both notice me watching, and wave, smiling broadly. They are happy.

....because I – my great, bloody idiot – is in love with Sirius Black.

No! No, it can't be! I promised myself, by all the fire in hell, I swore I would not!

Fck, fck, bloody mother of FCK!

Rising up, I start to make my way to the stairs.

"Alex? Are you going to bed NOW?" Sirius inquires after me. I do not look up, nor do I turn around.

"I need to go to the ladies-room, if you really must know."

"Oh, fine..."  
And I run madly up the stairs, wanting to get to the bathrooms before the tears start flowing, before I cannot hold things inside me anymore. I throw open the door, crash inside, twist the key, and collapse at the floor, sobbing wildly into my hands. This can't be true! Tell me it is not true! Oh, please let me out of this nightmare!

I lean my head against the wall, willing the world to disappear; just wanting to sleep, to escape, to get away, to fly away and never come back...

And yet I know that this is my place, here must I stay, and nowhere else could I be happy or safe. Yet I know that I am tied here with bonds too strong even for me to break. Yet I know that I could not leave him.

Is there no justice; no kind of quota for how much adversity that can befall a person; no mercy for people like me, dogged by ill luck?

Obviously not.

I do not hate Baz for this. I hate myself instead. I do not WANT to be in love with Sirius! He's my best friend, and I want things to stay that way. I don't want to spoil things, I want to have this pure friendship and nothing else. Is that too much to ask?

Despair clawing in my chest, I bow my head and let the tears flow silently, staining the cold stone floor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having cried my tears to an end, I fight determinedly to get to my feet. With a bit of wobbling, I manage to pull myself up using the sink. Leaning against it, I stare into the blue eyes of the girl at the other side of the mirror.

Who is she? And does she wonder the same thing, as she is looking at me? I lift my left hand, putting it against the cool surface, and she lifts her right to meet it. And even though the thin pane of glass separates us, I make belief that I can feel the warmth of her hand, her breath against my face.

The future paints itself brightly against the back of my skull.

Even if I manage to tear him from Baz, hurting her... Oh, I do think that I would be able to make him fall in love with me. And we would love each other to madness for a short time, being too happy for words to describe, and then...

Then it would, sooner or later, die away. And our beautiful friendship, that I would give anything to protect, would be forever destroyed.

I cannot let this happen! Does anyone hear me?! Oh, by whatever gods there might be listening, I CANNOT let this happen!

I know what I must do.

Carefully drying even the faintest trace of tears from my face, I straighten my back and stare into the eyes of the girl on the other side. She looks slightly worried, does not seem happy with the idea of what I am planning. "It is wrong" her eyes tell me. But I stare back, determined.

"I do what I must."

I twist the key in the lock, stepping out into the corridor and sweeping over to my room. I fall to my knees by my trunk, shuffling through its contents. And my fingers find what they search for. A smooth object, unnaturally warm.

My thoughts flit wildly through my head, as I pull out the small vial.

Eternal slavery... forcing a person to love you... mind, body and soul... Class A non-tradable goods... Induced love...

Love? Will it ever be real?

I laugh cynically. What choice do I have? I will not allow my life to crash around me, now when I have finally got it sorted out and running on the right track. And if I'll have to sacrifice some things... well, so be it.

It might be wrong. I really do not care anymore.

Slipping the love-potion into my pocket, I hastily grab a pen and scribble down a short message on a piece of parchment. Then I run out of my room, down the stairs, and out through the portrait-hole before anyone can stop me. Sweeping through the corridors towards the Owlery, I try to avoid people as much as possible. The smallest nudge might put me out of my resolve, I know that. My guilty conscience is already gnawing at me, eating me from inside.

I storm up the stairs, three steps at the time. "Peggy!" I snap, as I arrive at the top of the stairs, scanning the room. She leaves her perch with a slightly reproachful look, as if wondering if this shouting really is necessary.

I hastily tie the note to her leg, whispering his name and sending her out the window. I will stay here for a while, I do not want to bump into him, do not want him to question me about the note. I once more go through the message in my mind.

"Meet me at one o clock in the Room of Requirements. Be sure to be alone, I have to speak to you. Alexita."

Yes, it will do. It will be just fine. But I'll have to sneak down to Hogsmeade and get a bottle of Butterbeer. I have to have something to put the love-potion in so that it won't look suspicious.

Nothing must make him suspect what I am about to do.

I don't think he would ever forgive me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is past midnight when I finally get back to the castle.

I manipulated the Map to show me moving around in the Forbidden Forest. My fellow marauders are used to me going falcon at regular intervals and haunting the forest in search of time to think, of solitude, and they respect it.

Which suits my purposes perfectly.

In the dim glow of the moonlight, I uncork the bottle and pour the love-potion into it. For a moment, the potion contrasts starkly against the amber liquid, looking almost black. But, in the short span between two heartbeats, it blends into its surroundings. Nothing now betrays its treacherous contents.

The stars twinkle listlessly down at me, and my feeling of being lost, of missing something with an intensity that is almost physical, grows stronger. The air already contents the first briskness that signals the arrival of autumn, and there is the melancholy of a world giving its last before falling to sleep. Sighing deeply, I mutter the password and sneak through an opening in the castle wall.

Slipping through the castle corridors and up the stairs, I once more try to push back my doubts and fears. What if something goes wrong? What will become of me? What will become of him? Am I really...

No!

Yes.

This is what I have to do, and by all that is right, I am going to do it. And I am doing this not only for me, but for them.

Outside the door, I stop for a moment. I only require for him to be there, alone, something that the room can't control, so I guess it is enough with wishing for it to be there. I take a deep breath, firmly clutching the bottle in my hand.

And then I lift it to my mouth, taking a deep gulp, open the door, swallow it, and step inside.

Since I am a trifle late, he is already there, waiting for me, and at my entry he looks up, smiling.

I had not counted on the effect. The feeling in similar to that of receiving a heavy, blunt object at the back of your head, and at the same time, something seem literally to penetrate my chest. Through every nerve goes a million new impulses, my throat contracts, and his image seems to be burn-marked at the inside of my eyeballs. And then comes the feelings. Attraction, desire, fondness, want, need, and beyond anything: Love.

I should've understood that the reaction would be this huge. Love is nothing you play around with.

And then, like a scream of pain through my whole being, comes the feeling of something that is dying. I know what it is, yet it brings tears of pain into my eyes. Holy virgin Mary in a pink wig, it hurts!

Falling to my knees, I gasp franticly for air, trying to drive away the overwhelming wave of new impulses. It's too much, I can't cope with it, not all at once. The bottle falls out of my hand, spinning out of reach, its contents flowing all over the floor. And now, with all these new feelings inside me, I know that it is for the best. True, I was tempted to fool him to drink it, but now everything screams against it. Yet I am horribly scared. What shall I do now? How shall I act? And have I now made everything worse for me, will I now be pained even more? Oh, if I only knew...

"Alex? God, Alex, are you alright? Alex, speak to me!" His voice! It burns in my mind with the heat of a thousand volcanoes, and at the same time, I just want to hear more of it, I NEED more!

And as his hands land at my shoulders, tendrils of feeling that I DEFINITELY am not ready to cope with starts shooting through my body. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Not good. Definitely not good.

"What is wrong, Alex? What is happening?"

"I..." I gasp, as the new sensations goes like cramps through my body. "I am not feeling very well... Maybe I should get to the hospital-wing..."  
He helps me up, something that is decidedly not making things easier. On the contrary, the mere damn touch is almost making my knees buckle.

Oh, DEAR.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I... I think I can walk for myself. Really." I detangle myself from him, trying not to think of all these unfamiliar, distracting sensations, REALLY trying not to think of the feeling of his body so close to mine.

"Are you sure? You don't look well."  
"I'm sure. Things will be just fine now. Believe me, Severus. They will."

I smile at him, but I have a feeling that there is a slight tremor in this smile. My heart feels like it has been run through a meat-grinder, beater raw by the cascade of emotions that still continue to manhandle all my senses. And then there is the pain, still sitting like thorn straight through my chest...

The thing dying inside me was my love to Sirius. Oh, I still love him like a brother and best friend, but all other affection was effectively wiped out by the effects of the love-potion. And it really hurts, but I know that this was the best thing to do. This is the only way out where I can keep my relationship to Sirius intact and working and keep Severus unharmed by it all. And may not be – I AM not – sure that he is in love with me. I'll just have to hope my intuition was right.

Whoopey!

Not.

Once more, the world decides to do a pirouette, and I end up at the floor once again.

"Alexita! You're insane, you can't walk, you're not well. I'll have to take you to madam Pomfrey."

"At this hour? You're the one who's insane. Just take me back to the dorms, okay?"

He just nods, not saying anything more. I know that he is hurt, because he thinks that I mainly do this to keep this nightly escapade from the knowledge of the marauders. And even though this is partly true, it is mostly to keep from getting into trouble with the teachers. And the pain from him mistrusting me is ten times worse now.

Damn.

"Filch!" Severus suddenly hisses, pushing me up in an alcove in the wall. Great. Someone up there REALLY dislikes me. It is at times like these that I imagine that there are gods of some kind, playing some kind of sadistic board-game with us humans.

Trying very hard to control my own breathing, I see the awful man sneak past, oblivious of the rule-breaking students standing just some meter away. I'm glad the blasted cat isn't with him. Then we would really be toasted.

Not that I feel that to be my biggest problem right now, but anyway...

We manage to make our way back to the Gryffindor Tower, and I give him a very quick hug goodbye, not wanting more contact than I can handle.

I crawl in, and collapse against the wall. Fine. This is going to take a lot more out of me than I thought possible. But I won't regret it. It was my choice.

And now I know that the love truly is real. If I had tricked Severus into drinking it, the love would not be real, because I would always know what I had done, even if nobody else would. But this was something I choose for myself, because I care about him as well as my friends. This was something done out of love, and therefore this is love. Love comes out of love. Love creates love.

Wondering if I am even going to be able to sleep tonight, I walk silently up the stairs to my dorm. The potion hasn't quite settled in my blood, and is still rushing madly, stirring my emotion to a terrible, nerve-shredding hubbub.

But as I slip into my bed, sinking blissfully into the clean white sheets, I cannot but smile widely, and give the slightest sigh of happiness.

This is the most wonderful feeling I've ever felt.


	17. Feverish

Chapter Seventeen  
Feverish (A never-fading longing)

It is damn hard. Intense, unfamiliar, and altogether very awkward at times. But just as painful and unnerving as it can be at times, just as enjoyable and fantastic it gets at other times.  
My biggest problem is how to act. How am I to be able to act normally around him, as if nothing really has happened? Why would I want that anyway?   
Tssk. At least I know that I am not the only one HERE, and I am certainly not going to ramble on like a silly teenage girls in love just because I happen to be one. But there is also the question how to act otherwise. I mean, generally, around my girl friends and so on. I've observed other girls in about the same situation, at a safe distance, and I don't get it. There seems to be a lot of giggling involved. I am not the giggling type, nor can I see anything actually FUNNY about being in love. And then there is all that whispering, blushing, allusions to sex, and general nonsense. And the sighing, crying, writing silly poems and leaving anonymous letters to the object of affection.  
Not really my cup of tea, no.  
I'll just have to work this out as I go along, I guess.  
And then there is the stress-factor. Being in love openly, admitting it to yourself, is enormously stressing. I am constantly ready for fight or flight, something that plays merry hell with my schoolwork. Which is proved by me sending Emily flying through the whole classroom while practising on a simple stunning-spell.  
"Oh dear..." I dash through the classroom, falling to my knees beside him. "Emily? Are you alive?"  
Professor Egelia appears at my side, shaking her head and making tutting noises with her tongue. "Enervate!" she says quite calmly, waving her wand. Emily's eyes flutter open and she groans softly, her hand going to her head.  
"Rampaging Runespores! What happened?"  
"I... think I exaggerated a tiny bit..."  
Egelia looks worried. "You HAVE to control your magic more, miss, if you don't want to behead the next person you are trying to disarm." she looks thoughtful. "I think it would be best..."  
"Professor, can you help me?"  
She sighs, shaking her head. "Coming, miss Norton." And she bustles off.  
At the end of class, however, she waves at me as I am making my way out. "Will you stay and help me put back the pillows, miss?"  
Now, what is it that she wants, I wonder.  
Swinging her wand at a pile of pillows, she gets sends them flying into a locker at the far end of the classroom, and I follow suit.  
"Miss Neidorsdaughter... You are one of my best students, but you are also a trifle uncontrollable." She smiles slightly, brushing a gleaming tendril of blond hair out of her face. "You have a very large potential, especially when it comes to jinxes aimed towards the mind. Such as – in some aspects – the stunning-charm." She falls quiet once more, searching for words, and she looks straight at me when she once more speaks. "I want you to be terribly careful in my classes from now on. Soon we are moving onto some much more dangerous stuff, and I don't want anyone of my students to have to be transported out of here with the brain flowing out of his or her ears. I want you to promise to always keep yourself under very firm control."  
I nod, understanding very well why she is so serious. "I'm sorry for what happened today, professor. But I've been... a little distracted of late."  
Her eyes meet mine for a very long time, and now I see a merry sparkly, dancing in their blue depths.  
"May I inquire for the name of the boy?" she asks me quite bluntly, and I am definitely brought off-balance. I feel the colour rise at my cheeks, and I look down. Oh, mortification! She laughs brightly, and a pillow zooms past my head. "I see I struck a nerve there."  
I mumble something inaudible.  
"Nothing wrong with that, mind. Even you'll have to be an ordinary young girls once in a while, Alexita."  
I look up in surprise, and find her smiling shrewdly at me. "You have such an iron-hard control on yourself, my young lady. Everyone can see that. You never allow yourself to be silly, and you never really do... loosen up among people. Only with those you are really close to do you relax, and even then you are at your guard all the time. An infatuation of some kind is only normal in your age, so why be so very tense over it?"  
I sigh, getting down a pillow that has got stuck on one of the ceiling-joists. "It does go a quite a bit further than just an infatuation. And there are some fairly huge complications."  
She gives me a long gaze. "Of course, you would hear that from about every girl in your age, no matter how shallow the crush, but you are not one to let neither your emotions, nor the IDEA of emotions, run away with you. Will you tell me?"  
I stand a moment in doubt, but I know that she will not tell. So why not? I have to speak to SOMEBODY, sooner or later.   
Well, not about the love-potion. That is a secret that I will have to keep to myself, probably for ever.  
"Fair enough. Ever heard of Romeo and Juliet?"  
"My mother was a muggle" she answers with a smile.  
"Well, it is something like that."  
"He is a Slytherin?"  
"Yes."  
She shrugs. "Well, the house-rivalries go pretty deep, but..."  
"There is still more."  
"Oh."  
I smile mirthlessly at her. "Who do Sirius and James hate more than anyone?"  
Her eyes go very wide in shock. "That was... unexpected. Your antipathy towards each other is already legendary, you know."  
"All a sham. From both parts." I tell her, shrugging.  
"I see. So you are a couple?"   
"No. Just friends."  
"And that is just a trifle tricky, I suppose?"  
"Which part of it?" I wonder tiredly.  
"All, I suppose."  
"Yes. It is. My schoolwork has been a little uneven for some time now. Generally, it is not about me lagging after or getting stuck. Just about doing a little too much. like I did to poor Emily."  
"I see" her look betrays understanding and sympathy. "Well, if you'll just try a little harder when we are practising, I could let it pass if your mind wander off during regular classes. I know you can anyway." She is quiet for a while, before smiling spontaneously. "I have to say... sometimes over the last year I almost got the impression..." he voice dies away.   
"Impression of what?"  
"Well, to tell the truth, that you were in love with Sirius Black."  
I have to fight not to choke on that one. "No. It was actually quite close for a while, but then I told myself that I didn't want to, so I stopped."  
She gives me one more long, scrutinising gaze at this. "If you don't mind me saying so, miss, you are one of the most singular students I have ever come across."  
I try to spell a cushion loose from the top of a chandelier. "Yeah. I'm one of a kind." I mutter sarcastically, swinging my wand more violently. The cushion flies wildly through the room, hitting professor Egelia in the face. I apologise repeatedly, and feel very sullen when she only laughs at me.

This is the point:

I had to choose between that either Baz, Sirius or Severus (probably all of them) getting hurt, or getting hurt myself.

Does my choice come as any surprise? After all, they are my friends.

Well, after what has happened, it is a little mucked up when it comes to Severus, but you get my point anyway.

So I am content with not being able to always concentrate at lessons, and I watch the weeks pass with nothing more than a slight irritation over my tricky predicament. But eventually, Lily notices that there is something different with me. I had counted on that. After all, she is Lily.

"Alex? Is there something troubling you?" she asks quite frankly, as she enters my dormitory. I look up from my book, pretending to be puzzled.

"Troubling me? Why?"

"You are acting strange. Distracted." She sits down at my bed, eyes scrying my face for answers.

"Uhm. Yeah. That." And now why am I blushing?! Honestly...

"You're blushing?" She looks at me incredulously, then her eyes narrow in suspicion, and a sly smile curls her lips. "Alex? Is there something you should tell me?"  
"Like what?" I stare adamantly at my pillow.

"Like you being up over your ears in love with someone, for example?"

Damn her to be so... so... Gah!

"Well..."  
"Well what?"  
"Well, I... might be."

She spontaneously hugs me. "I'm so happy for you! So... may I ask...?"  
"Who it is?" I sigh deeply. "I suppose you may."

"Well? Who is it?"

I stare at my hands some seconds, before drawing a deep breath and looking up at her, meeting her gaze. "Severus."

First, she stares at me in complete shock. But then, her smile grows even wider, and she once more hugs me, much harder this time.

"Now I really am happy."

I feel the blush becoming more intent. It is one thing to talk to Egelia about this. She is a teacher, it felt much more... professional. This is Lily, my friend, and she knows much more about my relation to Severus. It becomes more... private, I guess.

"I am not very used to this." I admit very quietly. "I have never had even the slightest crush before."

"I understand. Very well, actually. I'm not so very much for boys either. I date some, true, but I keep out of it more often than not." She flashes me a quick smile, and I return it. "And besides" she says with a sigh "very many think that they are going to get stamped by James Potter if they date me."

I laugh, and she hits me with a pillow. "It is not funny!"

I grin. "He hasn't stamped anyone so far, has he?"  
"No. He just glares at them." Yet another sigh.

"I can actually understand that he is jealous. Who wouldn't?"

She look uncertain. "Does he ever... you know, talk of me?"

I shake my head. "Not often. But he looks at you a lot when he knows you won't notice. I do think he is serious, Lily. Really."

"Maybe. Maybe not." She shrugs, looking uneasy. I can understand her as well, but I still feel sorry for James. He IS seriously in love with her, you have to be blind not to notice when you spend so much time around him as I do. It is not just some fancy.

"But how far have you got?" she wonders with a twinkle in her eye, and I choose not to comment her eagerness to change subject.

"The being-really-nervous-and-not-being-able-to-do-a-shit stadium." I slowly exhale, dropping backwards on the bed. She lets out a small giggle.

"So I suppose you haven't told him."  
"Are you mad?" I groan. "I have enough trouble only to converse normally with him."

She giggles once more, teasingly. "Now my young miss, are you a woman or a mouse?"  
"I'm a bird."  
"Yes. A chicken."

"Ha bloody ha! NOT amusing."

"It was from where I am sitting."

I prop myself up with an elbow, glaring at her. But then she smiles, and I have to laugh. "Well, then let me be a coward for a while. I think my nerves need it."

And she chuckles, falling backwards so that she is laying beside me. "Okay. But the next time you get a letter signed with Romeo, I am going to join Sirius in teasing you."

I was awoken today from the boys charming me up two meters in the air and dropping me down at my bed once more. Their yearly attempts to drive me mad at my birthday mornings is a very unhealthy tradition, according to me.

Unfortunately – but not unexpectedly – they don't share my views.

But I was actually quite relieved to wake up from the uneasy dream that had plagued my all night through. The same scene kept repeating itself. It was James and Sirius, watching the Map with big scowls. Their voices seemed very far away, I could only hear snatches of their conversation.

"...up at this hour... he doing there?... duelling... help her... we..."

Though not frightening in any way, the dream gave me a distinct feeling of being trapped, of something bad about to happen...

Shrugging off the though, I stand up at a knock on the window, letting Peggy in. She carries a note from "Romeo", asking if I can meet him this night. I pull out a piece of paper of my pocket, scribbling a quick "Yes" and sending her off with it. Then I return to my place in the sofa, and sit for a long while just staring at the note, and Severus's flowing writing...

"Who is that from?" Sirius wonders, sitting down beside me. Instinctively, I crumple the note in my hand, glaring at him.

"Never your mind."

"So it's Romeo again, ain't it?" he grins gleefully. I smack him.

"I told you to keep out of it."  
"Who is he anyway? Really, Alex, we WILL find out sooner or later. Why won't you just tell us?"

"Maybe you don't want to know."  
"And why would we not want to know who the man is?"

"Maybe it's a she."

"No problem with me" he says with a shrug.

"Maybe it's a Slytherin."

"Then you really have a poor taste. But honestly, Alex. We are your friends. We wouldn't hate you, no matter who you dated."  
I shake my head in annoyance, partly because he's jumping into conclusions too easily, partly because I know that this is not true. "Who said ANYTHING about dating?"  
"Oh, come now Alex. You get secret letters from someone called Romeo, and right now, for your information, you are blushing so brightly that you could be used as a Christmas-decoration. Really, don't you think that it's quite obvious that it is your boyfriend? Or girlfriend, by all means."

Obvious! I'll give him obvious, the bastard... And besides, he is almost one hundred percent wrong. Okay, so I'm in love with Severus, but he is not my boyfriend, and our relationship has been from both sides strictly platonic until this very autumn.

I give him a withering look to express my annoyance. "He is not my boyfriend."

"Ha! So it is a boy."

"Yes Sirius. So what?"  
"Well, that eliminates half the population at Hogwarts, does it not?"

"Who said that he even goes to Hogwarts?"

He stares at me for three seconds, before groaning. "God, you're hopeless."

"I though that was you."  
"Oh, very funny Wing, I am laughing myself to death."

"I know. I'm so damn witty it's scary."

He smiles widely, shaking his head.

"Just think about it, alright? We care about you, Alex, and besides, we are also horribly curious. We won't be angry with you either. Just trust us, will you?"

"I really do trust you, Sirius. I love you all like my brothers, but I have to be able to decide when to tell for myself. I care about you, I know you. I know that I cannot tell you now. It is about me not having the... call it strength if you like it, to tell you. I'm not brave enough, I suppose. But I promise I will, right? Some day."

He tilts his head slightly, looking at my through narrowed eyes. "This really means a lot to you, does it not?"

"You might say, you might say." I give him a slight, teasing smile.

"Well, whatever it is, I wish you luck. But I'll have to get to the library. Got a test tomorrow, you know. See you!"  
"Bye, Padfoot."

"Yes, Severus?" I step into the Room of Requirements, a slight tingling going down my spine. I haven't been here since the little... incident with the love-potion. Right now, the room is quite empty, the walls made of stone and the only light being torches that burn in alcoves in them. In one of these alcoves he sits, head bent over a book. He does not look up when I speak, merely turns page, staring intently at the writing. I can feel something is wrong, there is a tension in the air.

"You wanted to speak to me."  
Still he doesn't look up, but he closes his eyes. "Why are you angry with me?"

Completely taken aback, I stare at him, open-mouthed. "Angry with you? Why by the name of all flobberworms in the western hemisphere would I be angry with you?"

He looks up, and his eyes, with their eternal, beautiful blackness, are slightly accusing. "You do not act like you used to around me. You are strained and uneasy all the time, like you don't want to be there." His hands are trembling, and he blinks repeatedly, as if trying to fight off tears, and at the same time, his there is coldness in his eyes, and his face is motionless. He is preparing himself for getting rejected, getting to hear that he is not wanted anymore.

Damn. I am obviously not a very good actor, and my efforts to push under my troublesome feelings have apparently only made me seem like I was forcing my friendship with him, not knowing how to end it.

That was not my intent, no.

Stepping gingerly over the cold stone floor, cursing myself for not putting anything on my feet, I put myself face to face with him, trying to ignore the many unbidden impulses and wild ides that shoot through my brain.

"Severus" I mumble gently, trying to bestow on him all the solace and insurance I can possibly give through our locked gazes. Any contact could prove to be more than I can take. "I am not angry with you in any way, and I am sorry if you thought so. I admit that I have been a bit... distracted...."  
Why does his eyes have to seem to look right through me like that? "There is something you're hiding, Alexita. Please don't."

I look down, not knowing what to say. He sees to much. Really.

We are quiet for what seems to be an eternity of swirling emotion and unclear intentions. Then he slowly exhales.

"I have to know, Alex... Is it... Black?"  
My brow furrows, what is he on about now? "What has Sirius got to do with it?"

"I am just... wondering... Are you... in love with him?"  
I look up in surprise and meet his gaze, full of anxiousness, feeble hope, and grim anticipation of pain. Could it be that...?

I smile tremulously. "No, Severus. I am most definitely not."

"Definitely? What do you mean?"

"I mean that I can't."

"Can't?"

"I love somebody else."

Even though he quickly looks back into his book, even though he lets his hair fall in front of his face, there is nothing that can hide the flash of burning, hopeless pain that goes through them. And my heart quivers slightly. Does this mean...? Dare I hope?

"Indeed" he says with forced calm, trying to sound like he doesn't care. But his voice breaks, and his lips are trembling. "May I ask who?" It is obvious that he does not want to know, not at all, not at all, not at all...

And it feels like music, like spring, like flying in my chest.

"Yes you may. You of all have the right to know."

"Really?" He looks up in slight surprise, trying to figure out what I mean. "Somebody I know?"

"Somebody you know very well."

Now he look nothing but confused. I can see what he thinks: "But I have no other friends than you."

An idea striking me, I smile. "I have a picture." Without looking at him, I put my hand in my pocket, pulling out the small mirror I usually carry with me, since they are often useful in pranking. (Well...)

I give him the small square item, and he looks down at it, reluctantly. Firstly, he stares, uncomprehending. The he slowly, slowly looks up, eyes shining with very badly hidden hope and unbelieving happiness.

"This is..."

"A mirror" I fill in. "I am perfectly aware of that."

"You..."

"I love you, yes."

His mouth slightly agape, he stares at me, as if trying to discern if this is some kind of a joke, a game. And now I dare to touch him. I put my hand at his cheek, leaning a little closer. "I am dead serious, Severus. I wouldn't say it otherwise. You know that. Or should know."

And slowly, he lifts his hand to put it on my cheek, leaning a little closer as well. "I know that."

And then the small distance between us disappears, I don't know how. All I know is softness and happiness and exhilaration and a rush of blood that sweeps with it all thought and leaves only love and desire.

And it is of course now that Sirius and James barges through the door.


	18. Discovered

Chapter Eighteen

Discovered (And now all hell breaks loose!)

Instinctively breaking the kiss, we both stare numbly at the intruders. For the shortest of moments, the idea of pushing Severus away, of claiming that it was HE who kissed ME, and that I had nothing to do with it, flashes through my mind. But the thought is instinctive, and I quench it immediately, ashamed of myself. I would not in my wildest dreams hurt Severus that much.

After all, I love him.

Sighing, I nod to the boys.

"James. Sirius."

They simply stare, obviously at lack for anything to say. Sirius looks like... No, it cannot be described. The closest I can get is by saying that James looks like "This can't be true!" while he looks like "Yes... Yes it can."

"So now you know who Romeo is." I say, trying to keep my voice steady.

Out of eyeshot for Sirius and James, Severus is stroking my cheek gently, and even though I do not for one second avert my eyes from my friends in the doorway, I know that he is adamantly refusing to look at them, keeping his eyes on me. He knows I am weak in this moment, doesn't want to do more harm.

"Remember what you told me today, Padfoot?"

I look pleasingly at him. But his eyes have gone to ice.

"You are never to call me that. Ever again."  
And he turns and walks away. Shoulders sagging, I watch him go. I am not going to run after him. That would only make things worse. Without me being able to help it, tears starts to flow silently down my cheeks.

"Go to him" Severus whispers, giving me a gentle jostle in James' direction. I take a few tentative steps towards him, then stop, waiting.

James instinctively takes a step towards me, then halts, staring at Severus. Hate is written in every line of his face, in the depths of his eyes.

"And now we are all dying to know" Severus says in a cold whisper, abnormally audible in the quiet room "if he is actually going to be able to swallow his own pride, to give condolence to her broken heart."

James glares daggers at him.

"Please James..." I whisper. "It has to be my ch-choice." I choke down a sob. "I am not asking you to like him, heavens know that I have not exactly forbidden him to hate you, but please don't hate ME. You are my friend."

He slowly walks up to me, stopping just a foot away, so that I have to bend my neck slightly to meet his gaze.

"I don't understand, Wing." He says quietly. "You hate him. What is happening?"  
"I... I will explain. Just... I need some time to talk to him..."

"I don't trust him."

"You have no reason to. But do you trust me?"

"I... I don't know."

I choke down yet another sob, averting my eyes. "Just... wait for me. In the common-room. I will explain... everything."

He looks angry, it is true. But more than that he looks unsure. Unsure what to think, how to act, what to feel.

"Prongs?"

And slowly, he nods. "Fine... I'll be... waiting..."

Giving Severus one last, withering look, he turns to walk away.

The door slams behind him.

And in the next second, I have rushed over the floor and thrown myself in Severus' arms. He lets me weep, and without a sound escaping them, his lips form words of comfort against my forehead. We stand so for some minutes, before I abruptly turn my head up, mending the broken kiss.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I enter the common-room, Remus and Peter are there as well. James is staring into the fire, and doesn't look up as I enter, but the other two does, obviously relieved. Remus stands up, walking over to me.

"Wing? What is happening? Sirius stormed up in the dormitory some minutes ago, refusing to talk to anyone and more angry than I have ever seem him. And James won't tell either, only said that we were going to wait here for you."

He looks concerned and quite tired, as if the tension these last minutes have drained him of all his strength.

I nod in approval, also feeling tired and weary. "He was right to do so. I will explain everything to you. Sit down."

He obeys, once more taking his seat in a big, squashy armchair. Beside him on the floor sits Peter, looking anxious and worried, his gaze flitting from me to James and back.

"To make you understand, I will have to go back to my first year here. Because that is when I spoke the first lie in a whole string of dishonesties that then followed. It was when I claimed that I had turned out of Knockturn Alley as soon as I saw what kind of place it was. Truth to be told, I went to explore it." I sigh, walking over to James' side without looking at him. "And there I met two persons that would come to mean very much to me. Julie Snape and her son, Severus."

Both Remus and Peter gasps, and I can see James' jaws clench tight.

"From the first moment I saw Severus, I knew that there was a big part of me in him and vice versa. And when I met his mother, I saw what I could've become, had I not received a letter from Hogwarts and thence met with the four boys that were to become my best friends and saviours. I saw someone living under the heel of an abuser, a rapist. Totally broken down in everything, without the least integrity left in her life. And that day, I offered Severus my friendship, just as I offered her the same thing. And they accepted; He reluctantly, she with every sign of happiness."

"All this time?" James whispers.

I ignore this, since I do not know what to say, what he wants to hear. Instead, I continue. "From that day on, I and Severus kept our relation to each other hidden, only meeting hastily and writing letters. But that summer, I got an invitation to stay with them, and this led to the second big lie. Claiming that I was going to my aunt and was going to get a lift with Julie, I visited the Snape Manor. We were happy there, until the fifth night of my stay, when Severus' father attempted to rape me."

Remus mumbles a quiet "I see" and I smile wryly at him. "But as I told you, I was saved by Severus. The next day I left, since I knew that my staying there would only mean trouble for myself and the other inhabitants."

Thinking about what to say next, I wander restlessly through the room. "And time passed away, and we were quite happy with the order of things, if sometimes wildly frustrated by not being able to meet each other properly. But then, the autumn of my third year, something terrible happened." I close my eyes, as the familiar pain wells up inside me. "Dumbledore came to fetch Severus, bringing sad news, it was obvious. Seeing that he was unsure what to do, I was allowed to follow. There I only partly lied to you. Dumbledore spoke to us both together, and the death he communicated was Julie's. But in no way was it a lie when I claimed that it was my mother that had died, for Julie was more of a mother to me than ever my biological one. I loved her dearly, and the grief was numbing, as well as the violent, painfully intense hate towards the man who had murdered her: Her husband."

Peter gives a half-whimper of sympathy, and I smile bleakly at him. "It was her funeral I attended to, together with Severus. And that was the reason of my mourning. She was worth so much more, and..." As I feel my throat contract, and tears start to press against my eyelids, I fall silent.

"Then there is the Conspiracy." Now I smile, thinking of how strange it must sound to them. "Which stands for the only people that knew of me and Severus except the two of us. And that is Emily and Lily."

I can see James twitch at her name, and I understand. "Of course, there was one more. Lucius Malfoy. He tried to tell you, even if HE had got some things wrong, but that did not work, as you must've noticed. But it was Emily and Lily who were there for me at every occasion when I felt everything to be turning against me, and I owe them more than I can ever give back."

Remus nods, he already knew them to be the only ones knowing. "Now I see everything very clearly, and I thank you once more for not telling me what your secret was. This would've been too much for me to handle."

James looks up, staring at Remus, who sighs. "I did know that there was something important that Alex was keeping from us, but I did not find out what or why, nor did I want to. She had the right to keep whatever it was secret, I though, since I know how it is to have secrets myself. But now I wonder if it had not been more right of you to tell us before" he turns to me, looking mildly reproachful.

"Yes. I should've. But when you have now seen Sirius' reaction, can you understand my fear of doing so? I did not want to loose him."

"You have still more to tell us" James tells through gritted teeth.

"Yes, I suppose so." I sit down at the edge of a chair, fumbling with the hem of my robes. "You have probably all understood that it was Severus that was the mysterious "Romeo". But our friendship was strictly platonic until this last autumn. I then realised that I had feelings that... were not those of a friend." I have to skip the whole, messed-up business with me being in love with Sirius and drinking a love-potion, obviously. "For many months, I dared not do anything, say anything, but tonight... Well, let's just put it this way: Sirius and James had the bad grace to interrupt my very first kiss."

Remus, having just put a piece of chocolate in his mouth, chokes on it, and Peter has to thwack him on the back, while they both stare at me.

I feel the blush creeping up on my cheeks, and have to avert my eyes, dropping my gaze to the carpet.

There is a long, uncomfortable silence.

James: "I'm sorry."

God, this boy IS a treasure! "It was not your fault, silly. It was my fault who never did tell you, even if I should've. And" I add with a malicious smile "I got enough kisses after that to compensate for the spoiled one."

He blushes. He BLUSHES!

"A bit too much information" Peter mumbles, also quite red.

"But it all makes sense" Remus says – mostly, it seems, to himself. "Everything falls into place."

And James, though still looking angry and defiant, finally looks at me. "I am not going to pretend that the whole idea disgusts me, and I am damn pissed with you for lying to us, not to say that I think you have a HORRIBLE taste in men, but..." He looks at me so earnestly that I almost get tears in my eyes "...if you were able to chose who you loved, I would not be hanging in the heels of a girl who detests the mere sight of me." He shrugs, and I get a big lump in my throat. "And if he has been your friend for such a long time... well, be he a slimy git or not, he is probably not going to change that now. And he DID kiss you, and from the look of it, I suppose he... cares. But if he EVER hurts you, then he is going to wish for being dead before I'm finished with him." he finishes his tirade, inhaling sharply from lack of air. For one moment, I simply stare at him, before throwing myself into his arms.

"There, there..." he mumbles, stroking my back, and I can hear that he really is sorry for all this.

"But Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Before you decide to give me even the slightest peck on the cheek, I want you to brush your teeth."

I box him, and back away with a reluctant laughter. "James Nathaniel "Prongs" Potter, you are SUCH a git!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not sleep. I cannot, nor do I want to. I'm afraid what the dreams might bring, to tell the truth. So I lie awake, regretting that everything has to be so hard, but not what has happened. It was time.

As the new morning dawns upon the world, I am not really tired, but I have slight problems with focusing my thoughts. "Good morning, Em" I mumble to Emily, who is disentangling herself from her sheets.

"Good? Who said anything about good?" Emily groans.

"And you should be the one talking" I mutter, pulling off my pyjama.

"What now then?"  
"The Conspiracy is dismissed" I say without looking up.

"What?! Oh. Oh dear."

"Exactly my point."  
"But what happened?"  
"They walked in on us kissing" I say before I get to think through what I am really saying.

Emily's eyes widen, and her mouth falls open.

"You... they... WHAT?!"

Once more, I can clearly feel the blush creeping up my cheeks, and I hasten into the bathroom, out of sight. "You heard me" I shout over the noise of the rushing water. She makes no reply, but when I come back in, she is standing by her bed, grinning expectantly at me.

"Explanation, please."

"Explanation? What for. I an Severus were kissing, and James and Sirius came in. Simple as that." I try to sound casual, but I have a feeling that I am not really succeeding.

She whoops. "Yes! Finally!"

I glower at her. "What do you mean with 'Finally'?"

"Well, honestly, I was just WAITING for it. Don't you REALISE how he looks at you?"

I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Her.

"No. I was too busy being in love with him." I snap irritably.

"Oh. For how long?"  
"Since this autumn."

She starts laughing so violently that she has to sit down on the bed. "That...was the best... thing I've heard...for ages..." She manages. "God, how... silly you... both have been..."

I glare at her for a split second, before not being able to fight down a smile. "I suppose you're right. But don't laugh at me now, please. I'm in trouble, and I find your lack of sympathy, to say the least, appalling."

She nods and goes solemn, though her eyes are still glittering. "So how are they taking it?"

"James is taking it much better than I ever could imagine, and Remus and Pete seems just fine with it, if not overjoyed."

Her eyes narrow. "And Sirius?"

My gaze falls to the floor as if the leaden weight of my despair is keeping it down. "He doesn't talk to me."

"Damn that egoistic little... toadstool!" She throws a pillow at the wall.

I sigh. "That's one way to express it. But not one I would choose."

"Of course not!" she exclaims, eyes flashing. "Because you love and respect him! And he obviously only does one thing out of those two, when it comes to you, the bastard! That's why I'm so angry!"

"Yeah..." I sit down at my bed, picking up the pillow she threw, playing listlessly with it.

She sits down beside me. "I'm sorry, Alex. I just get so damn angry."

"I know. So do I. But I'm more sad."

"Guess so. Hell, shouldn't we tell Lily?"

"Later. We're late for breakfast. And I think she'll notice."

"What do you mean?"  
"Nothing." Without saying anything more, I spring from my seat, rushing down the stairs and out the portrait-hole.

As I reach the Great Hall, I immediately head for the Slytherin table. No more skulking about, thank you very much! I am sick and tired of it, and by the gods, now everyone will know.

"Hi there, love" I mumble, embracing Severus from behind.

He jumps, but then relaxes, supremely ignoring the to say the least stunned faces from the people sitting around him. "Alexita."  
I kiss him lightly on the cheek. "I'm in trouble."  
"I know."

"He doesn't want to talk to me."

"Can't blame him. I might've reacted the same way."

I pinch him, but not very hard. "I have to go eat. My lesson starts soon."  
He nods, and I straighten up.

"Eugh!" Narcissa Black says, eyeing us with distaste.

"Depend on it, my lady" I answer icily "that I think nothing better than that about your taste in men, not to say you yourself, so don't you worry. And Severus at least possesses a brain and a heart, something the Gargoyle of Slytherin does not. Adieu."

I give Severus one last smile, before starting to make my way to the Gryffindor to the table. Rumour will have this bouncing all over Hogwarts by dinner.

Good.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius does not even look up when I arrive at the table. He just stares at his plate and continues eating in grim silence. He has obviously bullied Peter into sitting at my old place beside him. Pete looks at me with pleating eyes, begging me not to be angry with him. I force a bleak smile in return and sit down at his old chair.

"I suppose there is no use in trying to talk to you, Padfoot?"

"I told you not to call me that" he says without looking up.

James, sitting at his side, seems to be abnormally interested in his piece of toast. He doesn't want to take sides. Remus is attacking his eggs with a ferocity unheard of when it comes to eating breakfast.

"Alex?"

I look up, and meet a friendly, concerned look in a pair of familiar, emerald-green eyes.

"Yes, Lily?"

She studies my miserable look, and sighs. "So it is all out now? I almost thought so when I saw that you..."

"Yes. It is all out. They..."

"You can tell me later." She says with a distressed glance at Sirius. He smiles, a horribly false mockery of a smile.

"Tell me, Alex? Is there anyone exept us – your FRIENDS – who doesn't know about this? Lucius Malfoy obviously did, but then again, he's more trustworthy than us, isn't he?"

"Please, Sirius..."

"What?" He snaps so savagely that I almost jump. I look into his eyes to find the smallest spark of understanding, but there is nothing there but rage and disgust. Trying to swallow the lump in my throat, I lean my head in my hands.

"So you are going to be unreasonable?"  
"Wouldn't dream of it." He says coldly. "I am being very reasonable, if you take the situation under consideration."

"What situation? That I'm in love with Severus? You're going to punish me for that?"  
"I... I don't care who it is-"  
"Bullshit" I interject with a trace of bitterness, but he continues like he did not hear me.

"But you lied to us! You looked us straight in the face at several occasions and point-blank LIED to us! Deceived us! Went behind our backs! You..."

Great, now he's shouting.

Aaaaaand ACTION! Let the scene begin!  
"That is correct. I did lie. But so did you, just now. You wouldn't react like this if I had lied about dating anyone else. This has to do with what you think of Severus just as much – if not more – than what I did to you. And that is the very REASON I lied. I knew you would react like this." My tears spill over, starting to gently trickle down my cheeks.

"If you did" he retorts nastily "this should come as no big surprise. So why are you weeping, if you have already made your choice?"

"I am weeping because I have to choose! I am weeping because I am loosing my best friend, and he doesn't even try to understand!"

"Oh, I understand perfectly well! You made your choice, no matter what you say! It's him or me, do you hear me?!!!" He is standing up now.

"Dammit Sirius, you are acting a jerk!"

We both turn to stare, as a new voice breaks in. So does all the spectators that our argument has gained.

And Peter seems to be trying to stare at his own mouth in surprise.

Remus, finally giving up his attempts of pretending to be eating, also stands up, folding his arms over his chest. "You are being rather childish, Pads" he points out evenly, although I can see his hands – almost hidden in the folds of his robe – trembling.

Sirius's eyes narrow. "I see. Very well. Come, Prongs."

But James stays, with every sign of discomfort and open sorrow. "Please, Sirius... She's Wing. Our friend. A marauder. We can't just desert her like this."  
Sirius stares at him in shock, confusion and rage. And I can see how much he hurts, how much he aches to see all his allies disappearing. Oh, can't he see that it is he who is backing away, not us turning from him?

But with eyes like narrow slits of paralysing frost, with a face seemingly carved from marble – perfect, cold, distant, dead – he speaks.

"It is she who is deserting."

And he is running, running as if all the evil in this world is pursuing him. And before he storms out the door, I catch a glimpse of the tears glittering on his cheeks.

Bugger, bugger, bugger!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have some epic shouting-matches, but we are still at a deadlock as the month draws to an end. And Remus is getting nervous.

"Look" he says very seriously to us, as we sit huddled by the fire one afternoon. "I am only saying this once, but I want you to do as I say. On no condition will you accompany me the Shack tomorrow night."

"What?!" James blurts out. "You can't be serious!"

"Take my word for it, I am." Remus replies firmly. "Sirius is not going to come, and you cannot control me alone, James. I will not risk biting anyone. You WILL NOT COME." He speaks quietly, but there is an authority in his voice that he rarely uses.

We all nod dully. Of course we obey. When Remus for once orders us to do something, we don't debate or ask. We just do.

And as I look over my shoulder, I see Sirius standing in the shadow of the stairway. He has heard. There is something in his eyes...

But no, I cannot seize it, it is too far away, too liquid and flitting for my searching gaze. Whatever it is it is probably nothing.

The night after I spend in the form of a falcon, flying far away from Hogwarts. I am starting to know its surroundings very well, and birds have an excellent sense of direction. In animagus form, far from the ground and the worries of a human, I can relax, seize to think about what is to come and what has passed and just BE in the present.

But time rushes by far more quickly than I want to, and as the moon disappears at the horizon, it is time for me to head back. With a mental sigh, I take aim on the far-away black dot that is Hogwarts castle, catching on an rising air current so that I can glide all the way back.

I land in an open window at the third floor, switch back after checking that no one is watching and head for the tower. As I approach, I hear muffled shouting, and as I crawl through the portrait-hole, I am suddenly facing a scene I never thought I would see.

James is yelling at Sirius. He looks angrier than I ever though possible.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF?! HAVE YOU TOTALLY LOST YOUR MIND?! IS THAT YOUR IDEA OF FUN, OR WHAT?!"

They don't even notice me. Sirius is staring at complete and utter shock at his friend, who is doing his best to wake the whole castle up, it seems. Peter sits silently in a corner, staring at the battle with big, frightened eyes.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!! JUST THINK OF WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED!!"

Behind me, the portrait swings open, and in strides Remus. If James looks angry, he is raving with fury. His eyes are yellow, and his teeth, bared in a feral growl, are slightly pointed.

Sirius backs away, eyes widening in vague panic.

Remus punches him. A right-hand blow straight at the nose, that sends him flying two meters backwards, collapsing in a heap. But when Remus speaks, it is in a soft, dangerous purr.

"Did you even stop to think about me? What would happen to me if I killed him? If I bit him? It is entirely possible that they would've put me out, you know. They do that to werewolves that are deemed dangerous to the public. And I would've been glad to die, would've welcomed it, for I could never live with the knowledge. But you never thought of that did you? Nor did you think of how it would break Alex's heart. You never thought of anything except your petty wounded pride, never even considered what you might've made me responsible for. You egoistic, thoughtless, selfish, ruthless, spoiled brat!"

His quietly murmured words are ten times more scary than James's shouting. Peter covers his eyes with a whimper, and Sirius looks up miserably, trying to stem the blood gushing from his broken nose with his hand.

"Moony..."

"Oh, so now it fits to be my friend, does it?" Remus is literally shaking with rage, and it is evident that he is loosing control over his voice. "Now it fits to forgive everyone, just to sneak your way out of it all! When I just attacked a person because some lame-brained plot of yours, when Snape is lying at the hospital-wing BECAUSE OF ME!!" The last words come in some sort of cross of a shout and a whimper. He falls trembling to his knees, and he is sobbing wildly into his hands, has body shaking from the force of his weeping.

"Severus?" I whisper in the silence that follows.

And everybody stares at me, angst written in their eyes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What has happened?"

My voice seems so very thin.

Sirius turns his face to the floor, his eyes shut. Peter seems to want to say something, but he cannot find the words. Remus is still crying quietly.

James, his voice cold and flat: "Obviously, Sirius knew that we were not going to be with Moony this night, so he decided on a little joke. You know that Snape has been trying to find out what Moony's secret is? Well, our dear Padfoot told him the way to the Shack, and told him that he could find out by following Remus there. If he dared, that is. Of course, Snape took the bait."  
Yes, of course he did. Pride. Bloody pride.

Remus, half-choked by tears: "Had he not... told James about it, Snape would be dead by now. Prongs sent Peter for help immediately, and then ran after on his own. He managed to stun me by using both his own and Peter's wand at the same time, and drag Snape out of there. Madam Pomfrey told me that everything would be alright, but if James had come just a few seconds later..." He draws a shuddering breath, and I can see him looking down at his own hands in disgust.

What kind of monster am I? his eyes ask. Why should I live?

Peter silently leaves his corner and sits down beside Remus, helplessly stroking his back in an attempt to comfort, to show that everything is fine, that we don't hate him.

"...he would have become what I am." There is so much self-contempt, so much futile anger and sorrow in his voice. Oh, Remus...

Sirius sobs.

Yes, now tears are falling gently from his eyes, and his hands are trembling. There is nothing of his usual composure, nothing of pride or determination in the crouched figure sitting forlornly on the red velvet carpet.

And I know why. Sirius loves his friends more than anything. Loves us. That was why he did what he did. He felt that he was loosing us, and in his anger blamed everything on Severus, like so many times already. On him, he has projected all his problems and battles before, and so he has done this time as well. And now he suddenly realises how close he was to mortally wound both me and Remus, two of his best friends, and he hates himself for it.

Oh, I am furious with him; disappointed with him being so selfish; out of my mind with worry for Severus; hurt that he would not think of what this would do to us. But I do understand, even if I am not fully ready to forgive.

I know the reason, even if it is no excuse.

I know that James understands. I can see him biting his lip, looking questioningly at me. I nod, and he heaves a sigh of relief, falling to his knees by his friend's side.

"Curaris" he mumbles, and the blood stops streaming down Sirius's face.

"I'm... sorry." he mumbles, defeated and powerless.

"I know." James gives his friend a hug. "But why, Sirius?"  
He turns his head away, hiding it behind his arms. Not because he does not know why, but because he is ashamed of it. I sigh. He does regret. Maybe not what would have happened to Severus, but what effects that might've brought, the harm that might've done to us. And I guess that is the second best thing, and really all we could wish for.

Remus' anger has abated, I can see nothing but sadness when he looks at Sirius. Peter looks only apprehensive and distressed, not knowing how to act or feel.

I walk over to Sirius, offering him my hand. He grabs it slowly, pulling himself to his feet, his gaze locked with mine.

"What kind of friend would I be" I wonder mildly, but with slight reproach in my voice "if I could not forgive the faults of those I love?"

And then I turn may back at him, leaving the room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Please madam Pomfrey, I have to see him..."

"Miss, he is in no condition to see anyone, least of all a slightly hysteric female" she replies, lips slightly pressed together in disapproval.

My patience snaps. "My boyfriend is in there, and you're standing in the way. Now you move, or I'll make you wish you weren't." I pull put my wand.

"Don't be silly miss" she says tartly. "You haven't got a chance against me."

"Not in a duel, no. But when I am holding your wand in my hand, I do."

She gasps as she sees the slender piece of wood resting in my hand. I took the liberty to acquire it while she tried to stop me from entering.

"You are threatening me!"

"Why, yes, no that you mention it..."

"I could get you expelled..."

"Only if I let you keep your sanity intact. Look, madam, all I want is to see Severus, and then I'll give you your wand back, right?"  
She gives one last, feeble attempt. "There is so much blood... It might shock you..."

"Cooee? Remember me? I'm the girl who was raped by her father. You think I would be shocked by a little blood?"

With the air of a martyr, she stands aside. But strangely enough, I can see a reluctant smile tugging at the corners of her lips, as I march past her.

There is a lot of blood, it is true, but I can see he isn't bleeding anymore at least. Heaving a small sigh at how vulnerable he looks, I sit down at a chair beside the bed, gently stroking him over the closed eyes.

"Severus? Are you awake?"

His eyes flutter open, and he slowly turns his head towards me, looking mildly surprised. He has obviously got something for the pain, as his gaze is quite distant and slightly unfocused. "Alexita? I didn't think you would be here yet."

"I woke up" I lie glibly. "It was very hard NOT hearing James yell at Sirius."

He closes his eyes, but not before I manage to see hate glimmer in their sleepy depths. "It is fine. I understand. But James has done nothing wrong, if that's what you're thinking. That he just got cold feet and backed out. He knows when things have gone too far. Unfortunately, Sirius doesn't."

He turns his head away. "What do you want me to believe?"  
"It would be nice if you would believe the truth. But I suppose I cannot blame you if you don't. James has not given you many reasons to trust his good intentions, I suppose. But HE was the one who accepted our relationship, not Sirius."

"So he claims."

I sigh, knowing that it is impossible. "You are hopelessly pig-headed, you know that?" I comment mildly.

"I prefer strong-minded" he mumbles with a sudden small smile. Then he lies quiet for a while, before finally asking, very softly: "Lupin wasn't in on it, was he? I mean, he couldn't be THAT stupid. He would've risked death."

"Worse than that, Severus. He would've asked being for all time damned as a monster, seeing a murderer everytime he looked into the mirror for the rest of his life... as long as it now would last. No, he wasn't in on it. On the contrary he gave Sirius a right ding over the nose as soon as he was able to."

"I'll have to thank him for that" he muses, and I have to laugh.

"But he is devastated over what has happened, he really is. And he is going to ask your apology. Please give it to him. He had no control over himself."

Severus once more rests in silence for a while, and then nods. "I have no love for Lupin. But I have for you, and that is enough motivation to treat him fairly."'

"Thank you." I bend forward, giving him a light kiss on the forehead. "And... Severus?"

"Yes?"  
"I have to forgive Sirius. I know it is hard for you to understand, but what he did was more directed towards himself than anyone else. It's difficult to explain..."

I can clearly see pain twisting his features, pain and anger, and with a small sigh, I rise up from the chair and crawl under the blankets covering him, snuggling close. "Don't be angry with me. Please."

And there is the slightest hint of humour, mixed with definite seriousness, in his voice, as he answers. "I can't. That's the worst part of it." And he slips his arms around me, pulling me closer. "Mine" he says in the same semi-serious tone.

"Yes" I agree sleepily, putting madam Pomfrey's wand at the bedside-table for her to pick up. "I am all yours."


	19. When the sun comes down

Chapter Nineteen  
And when the sun goes down... (Darkness.)

"Bye Alex! We'll pick you up at Monday." Remus smiles down at me, even though he still has the haunted look in his eyes that has been there ever since the... accident.  
Sirius doesn't say anything, but I suppose that is better than him blurting out something eternally stupid or mean. I hug him, and at least he hugs me back, which must be a good sign, right?  
James keeps pointedly ignoring Severus, standing some meters away, leaned against a wall, and I suppose that is good as well. Peter seems highly interested in his feet, as if trying very hard not to look like he is avoiding to stare.  
I see Lily watching us a from where she stands, together with her parents, and she nods in approval. Behaving better than expected, really.   
"Oh, there you are!" Mrs. Potter exclaims, walking up to us.   
"Oh, mum..." James begins, but then falters.  
"I won't come with you now, Jenny" I tell her, and get a quizzical gaze in return.  
"Indeed?"  
"That is, I will be with you in a week..."  
"Oh? Your aunt again, dear?"  
I hear Severus trying very hard to suppress his laughter, and shoot him a menacing glare. Jenny follows my gaze, and a smile spread slowly over her face, making her eyes sparkle. "Oh. I SEE."  
To my mortification, I feel myself blushing, and Severus smirks at me. I am killing him, I really am.  
"Well then, I suppose it is all fine with us. Come along, James."  
Her son, also blushing slightly at the frankness of his mother, follows her. There is one brief moment of silence, and I shuffle my feet uncomfortably.  
"Well... I have to get going... Bye..."  
They all nod at me, muttering their last goodbyes, and I am very aware of them staring in fascination and – in Sirius's case – slight disgust, as I take Severus' hand and start to walk away from them.  
"That was awkward" I mumble, squeezing his hand slightly.  
"Awkward for YOU? I have never been so pointedly NOT glared at in all my life."   
"What, you prefer the glaring?"  
"When it is obvious that they would want to glare, but can't, yes."  
I hit him over the arm, but only get a pair of raised eyebrows in return.   
"Bastard."  
"Love you too."  
"Gah!"  
I lean my head heavily against his shoulder, feigning a nervous breakdown. "You... are... hopeless..."  
"Hey, Alex!"  
I turn around, and see Emily, waving enthusiastically to me from amidst a big group of red-headed people. "Have a nice summer!" she yells, winking and grinning. I stick my tongue out at her, before waving back.  
"Same good to you, dull-wit!" I shout back, earning only a fit of laughter.  
"I don't think I know anybody intelligent" I moan, acting a martyr.  
"I am deeply hurt" Severus drawls caustically. I notice a familiar face amongst the crowd, and let out an evil giggle.  
"Oi, Malfoy!"  
Lucius spins around in surprise, and we both wave, sporting – I would guess – quite identical smirks. "Have a WONDERFUL summer!" I yell. "Or, nah, wait... Have a godawful summer, darling!"  
And then we both leave him to splutter, laughing evilly. Really, I love myself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It's a quite small house at the edge of a vast forest, two stories high and with timber walls. The windows gleam golden in the light of the setting sun, and there is an unmistakably empty quality about the building. But the small, beautiful garden seems to be inhabited by a family of robins, something that takes away the desolate quality about the place.  
"How far is it to the nearest neighbour?" I ask, quietly, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness resting over the place.  
"Some miles" he shrugs. "Suits me fine. I don't want anybody snooping about. I'd much rather be alone."  
I nod, thinking that this house must still be echoingly empty, especially around Christmas. Robins are nice, but not much company, and even they take off as winter draws near.  
We walk down the hill, following the path leading to the door, in silence, listening to the chirping of the occasional bird around us. The sun hides behind the horizon, and a bluecasted gloom settles over the world. The scent of lilacs is strong in the air, and the grass is cool and soft against my bare feet, and I am only freezing very slightly, just enough to give me goosebumps.  
"It is beautiful here."  
"Yes. Yes it is."  
We reach the door, and he produces a key from one of his pockets. It is glowing slightly, looking transparent.   
"Protecting spell" he explains. "So no one except me can touch it."  
I nod, wondering why in all the world that should be necessary. But then again, there is nothing wrong with being cautious.  
The air inside is dry and smells stagnant. It is slightly colder than the air outside, as if a faint breath of winter has been caught there.  
It must be so very lonely. I can HEAR the silence of this place, it is overwhelming and omnipresent, even as we speak.  
"What do you do here?" I whisper, looking around as I enter the kitchen.  
Once again, he shrugs. "I've got my books. And I've only explored a very small part of the forest so far."   
I look out the window at the dark woods framing the garden, quiet and solemn like a summer-scented cathedral. It would be wonderful to fly here. But I don't think Sirius would be all that overjoyed if I told Severus about us being animagi, about what the marauders really mean.  
Suddenly, Severus catches me quite brutally by the shoulder, pulls me closer, giving me a long, hard kiss, as if wanting to memorise the feel of it, forever keeping it.  
I gasp as he pulls back, and he smiles at me.  
"I've wanted to do that for a very long time."  
I laugh. "Shame that you didn't do it in front of Sirius."  
"Yeah." He says gravely. "It might've given him a heart-attack. A real pity, actually…"  
"Severus!" I slap him, and he smirks, looking so pleased with himself.  
Damn him.  
But then I cannot help smiling, and, drawing him closer, I whisper: "Well, we are not going to spend this week only reading. Depend on it."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am warm and safe and happy. The morning sunlight turns the room around me to gold, seems to make the world glow, as I watch it through half-closed eyes. Soft... the world is soft and shiny and perfect, and the past week...  
There is a loud noise, and I am pulled slightly out of my slumber.  
"Uhm... Alex? Where are you?"  
Voices? Here? James and the others? Wait a second.. 'The passed week'? That would mean that today...  
Bloody hell, we overslept!  
"Alex?!" His voice is just outside the door. I hastily roll out of bed, looking around wildly for my clothes. "James? I am NOT decent!" I yell, hoping that he will take the point and not open the door. My underwear? There. My pants? On the floor. My jumper? Nowhere to be seen. I spin around, and finally manage to locate it, hanging from the lamp. Do I want to know how it got there?  
After having wrestled myself into my clothes – my bra seems to be trying to eat me – I walk over and punch Severus out of his sleep. "Love? They're here!"  
He opens his eyes, looking at me in surprise. "Why the panic?"  
"Well, do YOU want to be starkers when I open the door, then be my guest, but I really think you don't."  
Well, he does get dressed quite quickly after that, probably because he has only robes, and doesn't have to bother about bras with cannibalistic tendencies.  
He then sits down at the bed, looking down at his hands, plucking with his pillow. An action of defence as well as his way to help me. Trying to become invisible, to blend away into nothingness.  
I open the door, and it comes as no surprise that they are all standing outside. James looks at me with a slight nauseated expression, while all the while blushing furiously. Peter follows suit when it comes to the blushing, but he is staring at his shoes, fidgeting nervously. Sirius is – surprise! – staring out the window, refusing to look at me or anything else. Remus, on the other hand, looks amused.  
And he shall die for it, mumbles a small part of me nastily.  
"Are you ready to go?" he asks, quirking an eyebrow at me.  
"As a matter of fact, yes I am!" I snap irritably. "I packed yesterday."  
He looks like he is dying to say 'Obviously not the only thing you did yesterday' but he thankfully holds his tongue. That would probably only make things worse. Instead, he beckons at us to go back to the dining room, where the fireplace is to be found. I fall back one step, gesturing for Severus to follow. He hesitates, but then gives in, rising up and taking his place at my side.  
As Sirius looks back to see where I went, I can see him twitching at the sight of Severus, and his gaze becomes stony. He turns away. James keeps staring ahead, but I know that he has noticed. His lips are pulled in such a tight line that they almost disappear.  
I also notice Severus' eyes narrowing into narrow slits of purest loathing, his hands curling into fists.  
Well, nothing else was to expect. It is obvious that they hate each other with an intensity bordering to fanaticism, but as long as they don't put that hate into actions, I have nothing to complain about. I'll just have to endure it.  
Remus quite easily starts a fire while only using matches, something that seems to fascinate James and Peter, even though none of them speaks. What Sirius thinks of anything is hard to determine. Severus, shooting him and James a really nasty glare indeed, lifts my chin and gives me a gentle kiss goodbye, before backing away into the doorway.  
Sirius seems to be on the verge of jumping up his throat, but then grabs a pinch of floopowder from Remus and disappears in the green flames, shouting "The Potter's apartment!" James, working some kind of fabulous self-control over himself, follows him without as much as a glance back, and Peter quickly steps after, obviously relieved to be gone. Remus takes some powder for himself, and throws me the rest, winking at me before he is sucked out of sight.  
I wave at Severus, calling one last, soft "Goodbye!" before I step into the hearth an let the green flames sweep me away.  
And following me through the spinning, fractured whirlwind, comes three barely audible words.   
"I love you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You are being absolutely ridiculous, Padfoot!"  
"All I am saying is that it was a trifle embarrassing!"  
"You don't act like 'a trifle'! You act like you walked in on us in the middle of an orgy!"  
He blushes. "Well, I much rather have stayed at home if I knew you were doing... unspeakable things..."  
"UNSPEAKABLE?! What are you on about? We were SLEEPING!"  
"You were naked!"   
"Well, we weren't doing anything right THEN! And what we did the night before is really none of your business."  
He blushes some more, now averting his gaze. "Yuk!"  
"I'm not asking YOU to shag him."  
"Alex!" he exclaims, now the same colour as a beetroot, staring at me in shock. I draw a deep breath.   
"Sirius, you honestly should not be the one talking. I've walked in on you under MUCH more embarrassing circumstances."   
"Well, that's not really the point..."  
"No. The point is that you don't like him, and therefore I am not allowed to have sex with my boyfriend! Don't you hear how selfish you are being?"   
"I just..." he sighs. "It was horrible to be there. Fine? I mean, try to understand... And besides... Alex, I just think... aren't you a bit too young?"  
"Too young for what?" I ask patiently.  
"Well... loose your virginity..."  
I laugh at him. Honestly, he deserves it. "Sirius, you great git, I lost my virginity when I was TEN, remember?"  
If that is even possible, he blushes some more. "Well... you get what I meant..."  
"Well, my answer is no. And I do hope that you realise that I would never do that if I didn't know I was absolutely ready. I don't want to scare myself half to death. I did once, and I won't do that mistake again."  
"You did?"  
I shrug uneasily. "I was at a party when I was only eleven, don't ask me why, and this guy that was about fifteen started kissing me and claimed that he really liked me and was really sorry that everyone was so mean to me. And... I was starved when it came to human contact, I more or less craved it. So I fell for it, my great big idiot. All he wanted was of course an easy prey, someone who would provide him with cheap amusement. The bloody bastard. I was ELEVEN. But when he started getting intimate... It was too much, everything seized up inside me, I couldn't breath, and I just kept seeing my father's face before my eyes. So I bolted. Luckily, he was so drunk that he didn't remember it the day after. And I decided that if I was ever to come close to anybody like that again, it would be someone I really, really loved and trusted." I glare at him, while folding my arms over my chest. He stares back, numbly, as if just realising something.  
"So you really do... You really love him..."  
I feel like I'm about to have an apoplectic fit. "Sirius... If you hadn't figured that out so far, you're an idiot." I tell him patiently. Well at least moderately patiently.  
Which means that I at least am not shouting or/and banging my head against a wall.  
"I'm not! I mean, I had. I just never really... took it in."  
"Then you're still an idiot. Yes, I love him. With all my heart. Honestly, Sirius."  
And he once more sighs, deeply. "Well, fine. Just... try to warn me before something like that happens again..."  
"And you will stop acting like an over-protecting big brother?"  
"No. I just won't do it as loudly" he says, a big grin parting his lips.   
"Gah! Damn you for being such a loveable little prat!"   
"Yeah. People keep telling me."  
I wonder if I should hex him, but then decide against it. Instead, I resolutely give him a big hug. "Thank you."  
He then lifts me, swinging me around some turns with me wailing in protest. "Always my pleasure to make you happy, Wing!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Night. Summer. Darkness.  
I was never afraid of the dark. It was the light I feared at night when I was small, because light meant an open door and what would come through it.  
I was never afraid of the dark.  
Nor am I now, but now there seems to be a loneliness in the darkness outside my window that wasn't there before. I have a feeling that someone, somewhere is weeping. There is always someone weeping, every second a tear rolls down someone's cheek. But this feels... bigger. Like the night itself was weeping.  
I lean against my windowsill, head in my hands, and stare out over the star-sprinkled sky. The newspapers speak of death, more and more for each day passed. People disappear all the time. And there is not many that can help being scared. I know I am. Both for my own sake as well as the sake of those I love...  
The Dark Mark is a brilliant plan, though. Send it up every time you kill. Teach them to fear your symbol, and you teach them to fear you. Fear breeds lack of clarity of thought, fear is a very powerful weapon.  
Against the back of my mind burns the image of a Mark, much more clear and vivid than the pictures in the newspapers. It's like I see it through the eyes of someone else, someone I know... I feel that someone's presence moving around in here with me, feel the petrifying fear of the person. This is real. This is real. I know it is real. In some way I see something that is happening in someone else's head. I concentrate harder, but that makes the picture grow more dim. Instead, I force myself to relax, to let my thoughts drift and infiltrate this mind even more, to reach further in. But this is strange... There are actually two presence's. One that is thoughts as I know them, one that is a mixture of instinct and thoughts that move after a wildly different pattern. Who do I know that could have a mind like thi-  
"REMUS!"  
My chair goes flying as I abruptly stand up, almost falling over as all blood leaves my head. Stumbling a bit, I reach the door, flinging it open and crashing out in the corridor, tearing James's door open.  
He is asleep. Hardly surprising, if you take into consideration that it is over midnight. Not even halting for a second, I run over to his bed, shaking him awake. "James! James for all that is holy, you have to..."  
"Wha-what? Alex? What are you doing? What is happening?"  
"Remus is in danger, James! I saw it, it was right there, in my mind..."  
He stares at me as if I am mad. "Alex, listen to me, you must've been dreaming..."  
"I haven't been sleeping, James. I don't know what happened, but I was... I was right inside Remus's mind. I could feel his thoughts, I could even feel the thoughts of the wolf! And I could see through his eyes, James!"  
Seeing that I am serious and that I have calmed down a bit, even though I am still fretting, he seems more inclined to believe me. "What did you see?"  
"The Dark Mark."  
He is out of bed in two seconds, and in five he has grabbed a pinch of floo-powder from a private stash. I do the same, and we both run into the dining-room. No time to stop and talk to his parents, no time for anything. We both throw our powder at the same time, step in at the same time and shout "Cottage Lupin!" in unison. We land in a dark, deserted house. From the windows a green, vicious light is sifting though the curtains, confirming what I saw. James immediately starts to climb the stairs to the upper floor, to the bedrooms, and I don't have enough breath to waste it on calling him back. Instead, I run out through the open front door. Remus was outside.  
I find him some meters from the house, sitting very still, curled up in a ball, rocking back and fourth. He seems paralysed, overcome with shock and fear.  
"Remus? Remus, answer me!" I fall to my knees beside him.  
He looks up sharply, staring at me like were I some kind of a ghost. "Alex?" he whispers hoarsely. "What are you doing here?"  
"I saw... I saw this. Through your eyes. We came here."  
"We?"  
"Me and James. Remus, where... where are your parents?" it seems cold-hearted to force him to answer, but I have to know.  
"Dad... dad is in France."  
"And your mother..."  
Pain contorts his features, and suddenly, he throws his head back, howling. I stare, thunderstruck, as his wail of all his agony grows louder and louder, until it finally ends in a whimper.  
"Was she in there?" I whisper.  
He nods.  
"Have you been... inside?"  
He shakes his head, and I understand all too well why. He already knows it is too late.  
Send it up every time you kill. Teach them to fear your symbol, and you teach them to fear you.  
They wouldn't send it up if they had not killed, if they had not succeeded.  
I fly to my feet. "Oh my god, James is still in there!"  
"No, I'm not." He walks slowly down the path towards us, his head bent low, his face shining unnaturally white. "I'm sorry" he whispers as he reaches us. Remus closes his eyes. Then he slowly stands up, starts walking towards the cottage. James grabs him from behind. "No, Remus! You shouldn't go in there."  
He snarls, actually baring his teeth. James hastily lets go. His face is very, very sad. "Remember, Remus... It's not your fault..." he says.   
But Remus doesn't seem to hear. And I slowly follow him and James inside, afraid of what I might see, already guessing the truth.   
'...not your fault...'  
Night. Summer. Darkness.  
And now I'm afraid of it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh no.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.....  
She is sprawled on the bed, unclad, her scattered limbs splayed like those of a marionette with its strings cut of. But the worst thing isn't that, nor her wide-open, empty eyes, nor her horrified expression.  
They have charmed her naked body, twisted it into a cruel cross between a human and a wolf. Her eyes are a feral yellow, fur covers her legs and arms, her ears have been drawn higher up on her skull, made pointy, her barely visible teeth are those of a carnivore, and her skeleton has been halfway formed to that of a wolf.  
In glowing green letters, scribbled in her forehead, is the message "BITCH".   
James doesn't even look at it, he stares sadly at his feet, knew that this was waiting. There are tears rolling down his cheeks, just as hot liquid starts to fill mine up.  
Remus's face is blank. He simply stares at the horrible apparition in front of him, his thoughts hidden behind the dead mask that is his face.  
"I found this on her" James says quietly, handing him a piece of paper, also glowing green from the writing on it. Remus takes it in one hand, stares at it for a long time, before he slowly, almost gently, falls trembling to his knees, hiding his face in his hands, rocking back and forth as he weeps.  
I pull the note out from between his finger.  
"It's your turn next time, half-breed!"   
I look up at James, helpless, and he draws a deep breath, before kneeling at Remus's side, pulling him gently but firmly to his feet.  
"Come now, Remus. We'll get some help."  
"Mother..."   
"We can't take her with us. We'll get some help. They'll come after her." Now once again is there the James that I cannot help admire, the adult, responsible James that takes care of people, that knows what to do.  
I slip in on Remus's other side, and we lead him down the stairs. Luckily enough, there are still some embers burning in the fire-place. I go first, alone, so that James can follow with Remus.  
As soon as I enter the apartment, I run to James' parent's room, shaking Mr. Potter awake. "Wake up!"   
"Alexita? What is it."  
In a few short whispers I explain, hearing James and Remus arrive. His face goes very, very white.  
"You went there alone!" he whispers, half-choked.  
"There was no time" I tell him apologetically. "We had to get him out of there."  
"But the death-eaters..."  
"Where long gone. They wouldn't have sent up the Mark if they weren't on their way from there."  
He sits up, looking quite furious. "I will have to speak to you both about this, I believe."  
"Please!" I put a hand at his shoulder, gazing at him pleadingly. "Remus... We have to get him to bed... He... He needs help.... And his mother..."   
He sighs. "You're right. Is there any hope for her?"  
"No. She is dead."  
"Her husband?"  
"In France. Someone will have to inform him as well."  
He nods, looking grim and sad. "Very well. Go help my son, and I'll wake my wife up..."   
Without saying anything more, I slip out into the hall, where James is slowly leading Remus towards his bedroom. I nod at him, gesturing silently at the door to his parent's room, before taking my place at Remus's other side, gently propping him up.  
Together we manage to get Remus to bed. Still he hasn't uttered a single word, still his eyes are staring fixedly out into space. But as he leans his head back against the pillow, she draws one deep, shuddering breath, and falls asleep between one heartbeat and the next.  
"How are we going to do with beds?" James wonders silently.  
"We both stay in here" I answer him, taking up Remus's hand and stroking it. "He mustn't be alone."  
"You're right. Lucky I've got a hell of a big bed." He walks around it to the other side, sitting down at the edge. "I can sit awake for a while. Sleep, Wing, you are tired. I'll talk to my parents when they come."  
I smile bleakly. "Thank you. My mind-reading tricks have tired me beyond what is endurable, it seems." I slide down under the blanket, leaning my head against Remus's shoulder. The last thing I see, before a wave of warm sleepiness carries me away, is James sitting very still in the moonlight, watching us with warm affection in his eyes. Tears are once more rolling down his cheeks, but he doesn't even seem to notice.  
I do not dream.


	20. And we rise stronger than before

Comment from the all-mighty Author:

Well, since I don't know if you saw this, Odette: If I speak another language? Yes, I do. I am in fact Swedish, even though my father is from Scotland, so I've grown up with English as my second language. I have studied French for some years, but I am really not that good. Just good enough to handle most every-day situations situations...

And by the bye, thank you so much your encouragement and support, all of you. You are really so sweet. bows

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Chapter Twenty

And we rise stronger than before (The phoenix)

Mr. Lupin flies back from France as soon as he receives the message. We sit outside the room while he meets his son, all silent, the mood gloomy and our hearts heavy with sorrow. There is nothing we can tell each other to make it better, there is no way of looking at things like these to make them seem milder, less pointless and devastating.   
When the door-bell chimes, it comes almost as a relief. I rise up, still without a word, and leave the room, heading for the door.   
Outside stands Sirius, a grim look over his features, a bag slung over his shoulder. His hair is tousled, his clothes is disarray. A big bruise is blooming all over his face, like ugly mockeries of flowers, and a small trickle of blood runs from his mouth.  
"I'm moving from home now" he says before I get the chance to open my mouth to form the question. "I need somewhere to sleep until I find a place."  
He walks inside, disposing of his bag on a chair and then leaning heavily against the wall. "How's Moony?" he asks in low tones.  
"Bad. Blames himself. You know how he is. And it can't be helped: If it wasn't for him, this probably wouldn't have happened."  
"Doesn't mean it's his fault."  
"I know. It's not anyone's fault except those blasted Death-eaters." I clench my fists, once more cursing silently, cursing vainly at people like them, lacking in respect for life itself. "But he doesn't see it that way. He's beside himself with grief; he's not thinking rationally, the only thing he knows is that if he hadn't been her son, she would still be alive." I sigh, pausing for a moment before changing subject, not bearing to speak about this tragedy anymore. "But Sirius... why are you moving so suddenly? I know you have threatened to do it for a long time, but..."  
His face becomes stony, his eyes chips of dark diamonds, glittering in the feeble light. "If you heard them back home talking over... over what has happened, you wouldn't want to stay one second either. And besides, I will have almost no chance of getting out otherwise, since they all know who you are after... after all that happened at Hogwarts."  
I nod, understanding. "What do they say?"  
He grimaces. "I don't want to take their words into my mouth. But the general drift is that she deserved it. Deserved it for loving her son indiscriminately, even though he is cursed with an illness that he cannot help!" In a sudden burst of anger, he drives his fist into the wall, does not even flinch from the pain.  
"And they have beaten you."  
"Yes" he says with a grim, horrible smile. "Yes, they have."  
"What happened?"  
"I beat up my brother."  
"You did what?!"  
"You should've heard him" he answers my shocked exclamation. "You would understand then. The anger... I couldn't take it. He actually said he WISHED that he had been there, to... to 'watch the bitch squirm'... It doesn't matter if he meant it or not, he had absolutely no right... He..." Tears form in his eyes now, his breathing is erratic and laboured, as he buries his face in his hands.  
"Sirius..." I mumble, stepping up to him, gently touching his cheek.  
"So they tied me to a wall in the cellars and punished me" he continues, his voice raw from emotion and choked-back tears. "Beat me with a stick, punched my face, and used the Cruciatus-curse." His hand goes to his ribs and he grimaces slightly. "I think I've broken something. Or rather: They've broken something on me. They did not let me go until the next morning. I escaped from my bedroom window."  
"Gits" James points out from the door. His head is drooping from weariness, he has not slept much at all since I woke him for help, and that is two days ago. He is pale with lack of sleep, pale with sorrow over Mrs. Lupin, and now also with worry over Sirius. "But I am sure you can stay here for as long as you want to until you can get yourself an apartment of your own I'll get mother, she can fix you up." He disappears into his parent's room.  
Sirius smiles thankfully after him, eyes lighting up. "Great. I suppose him and I will have to bunk together, since I would most certainly be murdered as soon as I got back to Hogwarts if I tried to sneak into your bed." He grins wryly, but stops with a grimace of pain over his split lip.  
"Yes you would" I say with a small chuckle. "You definitely would."   
Jenny appears in the doorway, followed by James. She lets out a small, horrified exclamation at the sight of Sirius' pitiable state, immediately ordering him to sit down. With a flick of her wand, all the bruises go away and his lip mends itself. With another flick, his shirt disappears.  
I suck in a sharp breath, not being fully prepared for the sight. All over his body are horrible bruises and wounds, obviously from repeated blows with a blunt object, handled by someone who knew what he or she was doing. A big inner bleeding is visible through the skin where two of his ribs have snapped. James swears loudly over Sirius' parents, Jenny's eyes narrow in anger and determination, and my thoughts stray to some REALLY interesting curses that Severus taught me. How DARE they?!   
Sirius' eyes are closed. It's a wonder he does not drop in a dead faint from the pain, it's a wonder he managed to climb out his window at the second floor, it's a wonder he managed to get here.   
"I'm NEVER going back there" he mumbles, his voice breaking. "Never!"  
No, he isn't.  
Never ever again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The funeral of Tara Lupin follows just some days later, and I am mildly shocked by the fact that it takes place in the same church as Julie's. The mere air of the place is already scented with the heavy tinge of what I felt the last time, and together with all the emotions I carry in my heart right now; it does nothing to ease my mood.  
"Here again, little one?" the priest asks with a mild smile, as we wait outside the building for everyone to arrive.  
I nod with a small sigh. "My friend's mother this time."  
She shakes her head and gives mine a light pat, before nodding to all of us and disappearing inside.  
"What was that?" Peter asks me in hushed tones.  
"Julie's buried here." I tell him with a deep sigh, throwing my arms around myself to drive away the chill.   
"Julie?"  
"Severus' mother." I shake my head, running my fingers over the rough white wall of the building. "Why does those have to die that deserves it the least have to die, Peter? Why does it have to be like that?"  
He shakes his head, has no answers. "What... what was she like?"  
"Julie?" I smile in remembrance. "The kindest soul you could possibly imagine. So full of love that she wanted to give to the entire world, but was never able to. So... broken. If it wasn't for her husband..." my voice trails of, and I bite my lip. "If it wasn't for her husband, a lot of things would've been different" I finish.  
Peter nods, looking sympathetic, and puts a hand at my shoulder. At that moment, the doors to the church open slowly, and we step inside. I notice that some of the invited Lupins are not present. They were never counted on to be. They are the ones who have already turned their backs on Remus' family, not admitting being related to a werewolf.   
We sit down, listening quietly to the priest, trying to make the most of the scarce information on Mrs. Lupin that she's got. She speaks of peace. Of acceptance. She does not speak of forgiveness, for who can possibly find it in their heart to forgive a crime like this one?  
Remus cries, and so does his father, leaning against each other. We all keep our gazes averted, not wanting to intrude on their sorrow. I let my tears fall gently upon the bouquet of white lilies that I hold clutched in my hands, and Sirius strokes my back gently, his face haunted with anger and grief.  
Some of Remus' mother's relatives have flooed here from France, and there are still some Lupins that accept Remus' disease. So we are quite a few. I remember Julie's funeral. Five people present, six if you include the priest.  
I sigh, casting a glance over my shoulder. Old Victoria Scrapes isn't here. Dead, probably. Leaving a life fully lived. Death doesn't always strike the young and unprepared, at least. But that doesn't make it any easier.  
Some people make speeches, and Tara's sister reads out a poem in French. Then it is time for the last farewells. We wait patiently for our turn, and then I, Sirius, James and Peter, and the parents of the two latter steps up, leaving our flowers and whispering quiet last words to the dead.   
"You did the right thing" I mouth, leaving my lilies at the casket's lid.  
Then we turn and walk back to our seats, determinedly wiping tears from our faces.  
When we later walk out of the church, I pull at Jenny's sleeve. "Could you get me some more flowers, Jenny? Please?"  
"What for, dear?" she asks, her voice tired as she smiles bleakly at me.  
"I... that is, a very good friend to me is buried here. S...my boyfriend's mother, you see?"  
"Oh. What happened to her?"  
"His father killed her" I answer, my voice flat. "He... he was the same kind of person as my father."  
"Oh. Oh I see." Her gaze gets a steely quality. "Well, run along then, but try to make it quick, dear. Orchidéus!"  
A bouquet of flowers springs from her wand, and she hands them over to me. I thank her, and run up the aisle going to the graveyard.  
I find her grave in the shadow of a weeping willow, some of its limbs actually touching the tombstone itself, as if trying to embrace it. There is a bird in flight, a dove, carved over her name, and the words "A heart whose love is innocent" are carved underneath. Byron again. Thank you, Severus.   
I kneel down, fitting the flowers in a vase that is placed in front of the stone, bending my head and resting my hand at the grass.   
"Wherever you are, Julie" I mumble "would you please do a thing for me? There will soon arrive a woman named Tara Lupin at that place. She will be lost, lonely and sad. Take care of her, will you? Like you took care of me."  
There is a whisper of wind in the branches of the willow, and I smile gently. "Thank you, Julie. Thank you."  
"Alex?"  
The boys are standing a bit away, looking doubtful if they should approach or not. Sirius is lending Remus a shoulder, as he is obviously not quite able to stand up straight.  
I rise up, smoothing my dress with my fingers. "I had to say hello to a dear friend" I tell them seriously. "And ask her a favour."  
I can see Remus mouthing the words at the stone, and he looks slightly surprised, as do James and Sirius. Peter, since I've already told him, disappears for a short second, then comes back with a quickly gathered bouquet of wild flowers, that he places beside mine. I give him a thankful hug.  
"What kind of favour?" Remus whispers.  
"Julie is very good at taking care of people" I tell him, looking deep into his eyes. "She knows how to make people feel safe. She knows how to give solace and comfort. I bade her to take care of your mother, wherever she is."  
He stares at me for some seconds, before slowly freeing himself from Sirius and walking over to me, pulling me up in a tight hug. I can feel his wet cheek against mine. "Thank you, Wing. That was very, very kind of you."  
I pull back slightly, giving him a warm smile. Then, at a sudden idea, I nip the bud of a rose from a bush, running along the tombstones until I find the right one. "Vicky Scrapes" it says. Vicky, not Victoria. Figures.  
I place the rose at her grave.   
"Take care o' them young gels" I tell her, mimicking her accent. "Jus' to make sure they're fine. They've bin through a lot o' roughness, those two."  
I give the stone a last, friendly nod, before running back to the boys.  
"Let's leave" I tell them, taking Remus' hand and starting to walk back to the cars.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Professor Dumbledore is waiting at our doorstep. We all stop in shock, staring. He gives us all a friendly nod, even though he seems to be shearing our heavy mood.  
"I would want to speak to you" he says, nodding to the adults. On his shoulder rests a bird, a phoenix. It looks at us with eyes like black pearls, blinking.  
Then they lock themselves up in the dining-room, much to our great annoyance. Something of importance is happening, and we want to share it.  
"I am of age" Sirius mutters, glaring at the door "and so is Remus. How can they cut us out?"  
"Because you would immediately tell the rest of us" I answer with a small sigh. "Including me. And I am most definitely NOT of age."  
"But you... I mean you..."   
"Could handle it, yes. But what they did not think of is that I am the only one of us that can eavesdrop on them."  
"But... the silencing-charm..." Peter protests, looking up from the book he was trying in vain to concentrate on.  
I sit down, gesturing for them all to come closer. "Think of what I did with Remus. I looked out of his eyes. And I was always better with spells directed at the mind. And I sometimes know what a person is thinking. What does that tell you of me?"  
Remus catches on. "I don't know... it's supposed to be very hard. And when you've done it, it has come by itself, hasn't it?"  
"I have to try, Moony. You want to know what they are saying as well, don't you?"  
He hesitates, and then nods slowly. "Go on then. Give it a shot."  
"What are you on about?" James demands, but I gesture for him to keep silent.   
"But you can't use your wand" Remus says worriedly. "It's controlled, you know that! You'll get in trouble."  
"I can't use MY wand" I reply with a sly smile. "But I can use Sirius' or yours. As you pointed out, YOU are of age."  
Without a word, Remus hands me his. It feels slightly uncomfortable, I am used to my own one, but it's not that vastly different.  
"Legilimens" I mutter under my breath, focusing all my thoughts on the people in the dining-room. Nothing.  
First, I despair, but then I remember how it was to look inside Remus' mind. The harder I concentrated, the dimmer the image grew. I have to relax, have to be focused without really concentrating. Just like levitation. Emily actually managed to teach me some, and her voice comes to me now, as if she was speaking to me through layers of time and space.  
"Try not to concentrate. That's the secret. It becomes much easier if you just let go…"  
Just like that dream I had. The dream that was so real without actually being so.  
"Legilimens" I say, loudly and clearly this time, letting my mind float, letting it part into a million tiny particles, sifting through the wall into the dining-room, feeling the minds of the people in there. Picking Dumbledore would be vastly stupid; he would notice. And besides, what I need to do is to borrow an ear or two. You cannot read thoughts, only pick up impulses. So that would be pointless.  
The next mind I touch is muddled, shadowed, in disarray. The mind of a mourning person. Mr. Lupin, no doubt. No, I cannot use this one.  
The next one is also tinged with sorrow, but sharp and determined, yet with a definite warmth to it. I get the feeling of it being familiar. Pleased, I merge myself with Jenny's mind.  
There is a sudden omnium-gatherum of loose images and nonsensical pictures in an overwhelming, confusing wave. The stray thoughts of the ever-wandering human mind. I search through it, wanting to find the present in the hubbub of influences. There! A voice to latch my mind onto...  
"...and therefore, I have concluded that something needs to be done. Now. We can no longer wait for the Ministry of Magic. Indeed the aurors are already working on it, but the Ministry in whole is a heavy machine, and it will take time for it to gain the speed which is needed. And that is where the Order of the Phoenix comes in..."  
I listen intently to the information given to me without Dumbledore's knowledge, something that is not very hard, since Jenny is doing the same. And what he says appeals to me. As he draws to his conclusion, I simply pull out of Jenny's mind, and go back to myself.  
Drawing a deep breath, I open my eyes.  
There is the feeling you get when you rise up too quickly, and at the next second, I am located at the floor, panting as if I had just ran ten times around the block. They all fall to their knees around me, peering worriedly down at me.  
"Alex? Alex, I can't believe you just did that, you..."  
"Shut up, Prongs, and get back in you seat! All of you, we can't let the suspect anything, not anything at all!" I wave my hand at them, gesturing for them to move away from me. "I will tell you when we are alone, so scram!"   
They reluctantly back off, sitting down, and I drag myself up in a chair, feeling horribly weary and worn-out. Just in time, it appears, for in the next moment the door to the dining-room is opened, and the adults appear.  
Peter, obviously thinking faster than the rest of the lot, looks up with a faked look of annoyance painted on his face. "Now, what was all that about?" he demands, sending Sirius a meaningful glance out of the corner of his eye.   
"Yeah, and why can't you tell us?" Sirius says while rising up, obviously getting the drift.  
"Mum, dad, please!" James hooks on. Remus says nothing, which is good, because he is EXPECTED to keep silent. He just stares at his father, a simple question written in his gaze. Mr. Lupin shakes his head, Mr. And Mrs. Pettigrew waved off all protests and tells us we are far too young, and Mr. And Mrs. Potter keep silent as rocks. Nothing we say or do can pry even one word from either of their lips.  
Dumbledore's gaze never leaves mine, and his eyes twinkle merrily behind his half-moon spectacles. For the shortest of seconds, I feel another mind touch mine, almost as if it was patting my head.  
Bastard.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"No bloody shit!" bursts out Sirius when I am finished telling them what I heard.  
"It had to happen!" James exclaims excitedly. "Dumbledore wasn't just going to stand around and roll his thumbs!"  
"The Order of the Phoenix" Remus says, very silently.  
"And what can we do?" Peter demands.  
"Keep our eyes open at school" I respond evenly. "Dumbledore is a threat towards Voldemort" – everyone flinches except Remus – "and it would be ideal for him to have at least one student under his sway, probably a Slytherin, but it is not sure. So we just keep watch, and if we find something, we report."  
"But they don't know that we do" Sirius points out.  
I sigh. "Dumbledore does. He's a Legilimens. He could feel my mind intruding, I am sure of it from the way he was looking at me."  
"So you mean the old man knew all the time?" James inquires. "And he only kept up the act to keep our parents from knowing?"  
"No, I do not think he knew HOW we were going to try to overhear it, but he knew that we were going to do it somehow, and he wasn't going to stop us from it. Probably thought we deserved a chance."  
Sirius laughs with a look of approval. "I like him for that. So now, basically, we are unofficial members of the Order of the Phoenix?"  
"Well, since Dumbledore let us hear, I can only suppose that we are." I say with a grin.  
Peter lifts his butterbeer into the air. "For the Order!" he says shyly.  
"For the Order!" we all reply loudly, Sirius waving his bottle around so much that he almost knocks Remus over.  
"Children?" Mr. Potter sticks his head inside the door.  
"What, father?" James asks trying to sound nonchalant and ignore that the rest of us is barely fighting down our laughter.   
"I just wondered what all the ruckus was about..."  
"Oh, nothing really, father."  
"You mean 'nothing really' that I have to know, since it is probably going to end with some kind of mischief?"  
"Right on, father. You saw right through us." James grins, and his father laughs good-naturedly.  
"As long as not TOO many things will explode, I suppose I will have to do with that." And with a wink, he is gone.  
Then Mr. Lupin calls to Remus that it is time to go, and he reluctantly stands up, looking like he is loath to leave.  
"Where are you going?" Sirius asks in a subdued voice.  
"To some kind of hotel, I think" Remus replies quietly, eyes glued to the ground. "We dare not go back... home. We... do not want to either."  
Sirius nods in understanding, giving Remus a rough hug and a low 'Goodbye'. The procedure is repeated with Peter and James, and then it is my turn. I stand on tiptoe, pulling him down so that I can give his forehead a light kiss. I do not say anything, merely smooth his hair a bit and opens the door for him. With a last, lingering glance at all of us, Remus follows his father into the dining-room. Seconds later, there is the 'Fwooosh!" of floopowder thrown into a fire, and a shout of 'Orion Hotel!'.  
I sit down at the bed, sighing deeply. Sirius sits down beside me, putting a comforting arm around my shoulders. "At least we all have each other, right, Wing?"  
I look at him in surprise. That is really not a Sirius thing to say. He grins slightly at me, patting my left shoulder.  
"We will always have each other, Sirius" I answer after some seconds. "There will always be a part of us that... remembers."  
"Remembers?"   
"The marauders."  
He gives me a teasing shove. "A right little ray of sunshine, you are! It's not like anyone of us is likely to die in a hurry."  
I return the shove. "But if you continue like you already have, we will only see you at visiting-hours in Azkaban."  
Then he laughs at me, and it feels like a relief. "I promise you Wing, I will try to avoid getting stuck there. After all, I'm a Black."  
"Meaning what?"   
"We never get caught."


	21. Backlash

Dear... This place seems to be swarming with Swedes... Oh, well... know I am a little late with this one, but I've got some kind of a virus at my computer (Merdre!), so...

/Alex, still all-mighty, still the author.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Chapter Twenty-one  
Backlash (Things that are broken…)

And so starts the year which shall be my last together with the rest of the marauders. As I sit on the train, staring out the window, the two years that I will have to spend alone at Hogwarts seems to me unending. Two years without laughing and teasing with James. Two years without fighting and bickering with Sirius. Two years without enjoying the silence of the library together with Remus. Two years without talking to Peter while helping him with his homework.  
And two years without being able to kiss Severus.  
Oh, of course there will be the vacations, but the corridors of Hogwarts will grow restlessly quiet without the laughing voices of my friends and the constant explosions that usually are the reason for the laughter. And there will be an empty spot in the more shadowy regions of the library, where I always used to find Severus.  
I lean my head against the smooth window-glass, feeling the motion of the train like a faint buzzing in my skull, and I feel like trying to keep water clutched in my hand, slowly dripping away and leaving me without… anything.  
So what if I make this bigger than it really is?! I have grown used to always having them there, they are my safety and my support in this world, and now they won't be there anymore. And that is hard to take.  
One year left… One year left of knowing they are around.  
"What is it, Wing?" Peter asks, obviously noticing the dip in my mood.  
"One year" I answer, a gloomy echo on my own thoughts.  
"Oh" he says, looking unsure on what to say. "Oh, you…"  
"Yes." I say simply, letting my hair fall forward to brush over my hands, spilling down at the seat – I should cut it – and hide my face.   
"Hey, Al, it's still a whole bloody year" Sirius points out, but the gentleness in his voice contradicts the briskness of the words.  
"And two after that. Two empty ones."  
James leans forward and gives my shoulder a light squeeze, putting his other hand under my chin and lifting it. "I know it's pathetic, but we will at least write to you."  
I smile bleakly at him. "You're right."  
"About which part."  
My smile turns wry. "That it IS pathetic."  
"You'll have Emily" points out Peter, slowly.  
"…And Baz" ads Sirius, smiling.  
"And Violet too." Remus points out. "She, in facts, needs you as well."  
I nod. "I know that. It's not really that I will be lonely, it's just… You guys saved my bloody life." I hold up my hand. "Shut up, I don't want any protests. You don't know… When the letter arrived at my house, I was just about to cut up my wrists, put myself out of my misery. I had spent a whole of three moths cutting my arms up when I was alone, just to… to feel the pain, and I was prepared to… But then I got a small glimmer of hope, and I… Jumped on it. I escaped as soon as I had everything ready, after I had stolen enough money… And I was going to give this new school a chance, but I was sure I was going to fail. I was so very set on failing that that is just what I would have done. I would have spent the whole trip not talking to anyone, out of pure fear, the hat would've put me in Slytherin, and I would spend all my time trying to shut the world away and study. Thanks to you, and only you, I found another way. Nobody else could've done it."  
"So you mean to say that…" begins James silently.  
"That I have you to thank for being a Gryffindor. I have you to thank for being able to talk to my classmates. I have you to than for four absolutely wonderful years. I have you to thank for the courage to tell about my family, for being able to leave my home forever. I have you thank for the revenge I finally got on my father. I have you to thank for not waking up screaming every night anymore. I even" I flash Sirius and James a teasing grin "have you to thank for Severus. Without the courage you gave me…" my voice trails off, and I smile at them grimacing.   
"Oh, THAT stung" James says. "And the worst thing is that there is no way out of it. Because I know that if I had another chance…" he smiles broadly at me. "I wouldn't change anything."  
"No. The absolutely worst thing is that I am actually happy for you having the git." Sirius says, looking slightly disgusted at such a disgrace, and at the same time smiling. "But about not changing anything…I know I would." I stare at him in horror, and he realises how what he just said sounded. "Oh, blast, I didn't mean it like that. I would still want to become your friend and all that, I would just… make sure you didn't have to suffer because of us all these years."  
I stare at him, as he leans back, looking a little embarrassed and uneasy.  
"So would I" says James, very quietly.  
"I would've stood up and said something" says Remus, his face clearly speaking of how angry he still is with himself.  
"And I wouldn't have encouraged it" Peter whispers, looking guilty.  
I look at them, all looking back at me seriously. I stare into a world where the tumbling, brown roots of age-old trees stretch into the clear blue water under a velvet grey sky, a golden dawning lacing the horizon.  
"You know what?" I wonder, whispering the words softly, softly, almost reverently.   
They shake their heads without ever breaking eye contact.  
"I love you." I say simply. "You are my best friends. And you will always be."  
And they smile.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is nice to see my old classmates again, even if Violet still is lacking a bit in definition, and Baz is a bit jumpy around me. She had a really hard time when Sirius was the most upset with me, a hard time deciding what to think and believe. She wants to think good of everybody, but naturally, she is partial towards Sirius. At the same time, she is a romantic, and could never understand why my love to Severus was so detestable in her boyfriend's eyes.  
When we finally made up, she didn't know what to think, since SHE never got to know anything about the Whomping-Willow incident. So she settled for her usual sunny style, but she is still unsure what to make of me. I, after all, lied. She is such a honest person herself that she cannot possibly imagine doing the same, and thus she cannot understand. It doesn't make her a bad person. Only human.  
Alice seems now to be joined at the hip with Frank Longbottom. They almost NEVER go anywhere without each other unless they have to sleep. It is nice to see that some people can be in love without violating the Laws Of How It Is Supposed To Be, create havoc over the whole school, commit some kind of obscure crime by doing so, and generally create trouble for them selves and anyone in a mile's radius. It gives me a feeling that this world might be on the right way, after all.  
Amos Diggory, on the other hand, is in really BIG trouble. Basics: His two years older girlfriend, happening to be a catholic, is pregnant. Oops. So she wants to keep the baby. Which means that dear Amos will be a father at the age of sixteen.  
Marvellous.  
But by some reason, some nasty part of me exclaims something very much alike 'serves him right' before being muffled by my better side. The point is this: The perfectionist extraordinaire just realised that he himself has – just as any other person – some imperfections. He's humbled, and a much nicer company nowadays. Maybe because he doesn't open his mouth that often, I will let that go unsaid.  
Hermes, on his hand, takes it with grace. Only looks at his brother with one painted eyebrow raised sometimes. And as Lucius Malfoy said something highly inappropriate and generally menacing about Amos, Hermes actually slapped him. A real, stinging bitch-slap with the full of his palm.   
He is reputed to have said only one thing to Malfoy after this:   
"Now look what you did! I broke a nail!"  
Hermes, on the whole, is coming out of his cocoon of thoughts and distance that he was wrapped up in before, to show a quite eccentric, vain, provoking, witty and warm person that we never even knew to be part of our class. He has laid down most of his numerous projects to concentrate wholly on writing and acting.  
Yes, I am very impressed by him. I am not saying that I think myself stupid, but the creativity and intellect of this guy is almost intimidating. In school, on the other hand, he does not really concentrate. He does what he likes, and does it good, and those things he doesn't like, he mostly ignores.   
Alexander Brown hasn't really changed at all. If possible, he got even quieter when Anna left. It is hard to deal with this guy, because you never know if he enjoys this silence and that you are intruding, or if he is simply shy and WANTS your company. And since I am still quite a quiet person myself, it is even harder. But the boys seem to include him in their group quite naturally, even if he spends most of his time around them staring out into space without uttering a word.  
Emily of course, is still the bouncy, energetic optimist she has always been, still just as shrewd and unpredictable. We two and Baz have taken it upon us to form some kind of protective wall between Violet and the rest of the world, or at least those parts of it that would abuse her meekness and constant indecision. We include her, give her space to speak and think, and even though it is tough going, we DO see some results. It's like bringing up a child in one way, because when it came to her relations to other people, that is what Violet was.  
I am the one for the so called "Education", which means I try to guide her into thinking for herself instead of trying to follow the lead of others. Emily handles the "Inspiration" part, which means that she tries to give Violet a stronger self-confidence. And Baz, naturally, takes the "Support" part, making sure that Violet feels safe.  
It seems that all this indeed should keep me preoccupied enough when I only have my classmates, but from where should I get my strength, my resolve? I NEED the marauders for that.  
Sighing irritably to myself, I turn around in my bed, shoving my face into my pillow. These thoughts avail in absolutely nothing. I should stop returning to them. I should think of something else. I should SLEEP, heavens.  
Bugger.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There! The sound of someone sneaking down the crossing corridor... Filch?  
I wait until the noise of softly padding feet is so faint that I can barely hear it, before risking a peek. There, a thin frame, slipping softly over the floor on bare feet. Quite tall, shiny black hair, a face that looks familiar without being so... Of course. Regulus.  
He is quite far away in the corridor, looking around himself time and time again, as if scared of being followed. That is not just the watchfulness of a student up after hours, it is the nervousness of someone who knows he is doing something wrong and is trying to blame his uneasiness on fear of being caught.  
Intrigued, I follow him. Unfortunately, with my attention directed fully at him, I do not notice the shadow hiding in an alcove until...  
"Ouff..." I am pulled in by a firm hand, another settling over my mouth. I struggle, but then hear a familiar voice whispering in my ear.  
"Don't fret, Alex."   
The hand slides slowly from my mouth, and I turn to stare up at him. His eyes glitter in the moonlight, and a teasing smile plays on his lips. He lifts his hand, placing a finger over them with a small hushing noise.  
"Severus? What are you doing here?"  
"I might ask you the same thing."  
I do not answer that, merely glare at him. He sighs. "Easy, love. I was up late tonight, and I saw the younger Black sneaking out. I followed him to see what he was up to. And you?"  
"Just sneaking off to get some time alone to think. I am not too spoiled when it comes to that. And I heard Regulus sneaking about, so..."  
I thing of The Order. Was Regulus...? And how in the world will I be able to tell Sirius, if that is the case?  
Severus smiles, playing with a lock of my hair. "He was just meeting some girl in the astronomy-tower" he says in a soothing voice. "Nothing else. I should've known. He hasn't got spine enough for anything worse."  
Why does he always seem to read my mind?  
"I don't know what he's about now, but I bet it is just as harmless" he continues, nimble fingers exploring the lines of my face. His gaze is sincere, but there is something guarded about it...  
Nah, I am probably just imagining...  
I start slightly, as I suddenly feel his lips brush against mine, but then I smile, leaning into the embrace. "Why were you up?" I wonder.  
"What was it that you needed to think about so much?" Severus counters, looking down at me with raised eyebrows.  
I stick out my tongue at him. "I asked first."  
"Yes." He agrees. And then he is silent.  
"Well?" I demand impatiently after a while.  
"Well what?" he asks carelessly.  
"Answer me!"  
"Only if you answer me first."  
"That is not fair!"  
"Life rarely is."  
I hit him. "Well, if you really want to know, I... well, I couldn't sleep because... Because this is the last year that..."  
I feel the tips of his finger, cool and smooth, sneaking their way under my robe to run up the length of my arm, and down again. "I see."  
"I just... needed some time to STOP thinking about it, to tell the truth. It feels like I am stuck in those thoughts, and I don't want to, I just want to be able to be happy as long as I still have all of you around..." I lean my head against his chest, feeling his slow, even breathing like soothing, wavelike movements and warm air flowing against my forehead. Once more, his hand wanders up my arm, and I shiver slightly.  
"I understand" he answers, and it feels good.  
"So why were you up?"  
I can feel him chuckle softly, and his hand suddenly rests at my chin, lifting it. "The same reason" he mumbles before kissing me gently, and my knees almost give in.  
Bastard.  
"I must go now" he mumbles against my lips. "I have a test in Transfiguration tomorrow, and I have to get some sleep." I nod, and give him a final, small kiss, before he slips out the alcove and walks down the corridor. I start walking in the opposite direction, but after just some seconds, I freeze. Looking back over my shoulder, I can just see Severus disappearing around up the stairs to the West tower.  
Up the stairs.  
Up.  
The wrong direction, if he was indeed on his way to his dormitory. And when I come to think of it... the boys have Transfiguration with Slytherin. They haven't said a word about a test, and you actually tend to notice, since Peter always almost goes into hysterics. So why lie to me?  
He was walking in the same direction that Regulus disappeared...  
Why was he lying? Why was he covering up for Regulus?  
It would be easy to follow. Easy to find out. But a shiver, travelling like a river of ice down my spine, tells me very clearly that I really do not want to know.  
Turning back, I start walking hastily down the corridor. I do not want to think.  
Why?  
I do NOT want to think!  
Why?  
I start to run.

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The next day when I go down for breakfast, my eyes immediately jump to the Slytherin table. Severus sits with his head bent, staring at a spot of empty table, apparently totally lost in his thoughts. I notice that he is absently rubbing his right arm vigorously, as if it is itching really badly. Strange.

I frown, sitting down beside Sirius, who is currently having some kind of spell-battle with James, in witch some bread, a glass of juice, a tube of mayonnaise and a lot of laughter configures. Emily and Hermes are acting as cheerleaders, making up silly rhymes and songs and waving around a baguette each. They hardly even notice as I take my place, starting to absently butter a piece of bread.

But Remus and Peter are both looking at me with looks of concern, having noticed my worried face.

"Something wrong, Wing?" Peter asks, and Remus tilts his head gently in an indication of that he already knows the answer, but wonders what I am going to let on.

No, don't ask me, please! I don't want to think about it, I really don't. I don't want to know, I am scared of what I will find, just leave it alone... It feels bad. It's like a wound. The more you poke around in it, the more it hurts, and the worse you might make it, but leaving it alone could be dangerous...

The Order of the Phoenix...

What I owe them, owe them for the sake of friendship...

But my love...

"N...nothing..." Even though I deny it, I try to ask them forgiveness with a pleading gaze. I'm sorry I am lying, but I cannot...

They see that I am not telling the truth, naturally. I am actually not trying to hide it, I don't want to deceive them anymore. But they have to accept that I do not want, cannot tell them what is disturbing me. Remus looks worried now; Peter surprised. He opens his mouth to say something, but...

Wham!

He is hit over the head with a flying baguette.

"Oh my god Peter, I am so sorry!"

"No... I'm fine..."

"I'm so clumsy..."

"Really, Emily, I'm fine" he picks up the baguette and hands it back to her. She receives it with a slightly sheepish smile.

"Thanks."

"It's broken" he points out unnecessarily.

Hermes gives out a loud "Naaaaaaw! Cutesie!" and they both glare at him. Sirius laughs, James smirks, and Remus shakes his head.

"Pass the bread, please" says Baz, who hasn't even noticed the commotion, and Emily instinctively hands over the halfway-broken-in-two baguette, earning a really odd look from her friend.

Attention is effectively directed away from me. For two moments, Emily catches my eye, and I am ALMOST positive that she winked at me. Then she continues to apologize to the blushing Peter, as if nothing at all had happened, and I am not sure that what I saw was real. Just almost.

Emily wouldn't ask. She would just help, hoping I knew what I was doing. She cares, but she doesn't stick her nose where it is not wanted.

So maybe it really was intentional, maybe she threw a bloody baguette at Peter to save me from interrogation. I will probably never get to know.

I watch her tease Peter about his flushed cheeks, smiling, and I think to myself: "At least, I don't think my obvious discomfort was not the ONLY reason."

Heh.

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I notice some more people with itchy arms over the week, all of them Slytherins except one Ravenclaw. Finally, I can no longer take not knowing what it means, except my horrible suspicions about why whatever it is was done.

So I hide in an empty chamber in the dungeons until Regulus walks past. The blackout-spell puts him out immediately. No trace, nothing. When he wakes up in the corridor, I will be far away, and he will not even notice anything different. I pull him into the room, securing the door behind me.

Then I grab the sleeve on his right arm, giving it a sharp jerk. The white skin on his arm is revealed, and on it... A Dark Mark, tattooed on the skin, which look sore and inflamed, as if wanting to reject the black ink.

I gasp, letting go of him with shaking hands. A Mark. Isn't that what they say that they found on the arms of the so-far captured Death Eaters?

Oh, Severus...

I imagine the flawless, white skin on his arms, imagine it smudged, marred by this death-marking, and I feel about to be sick. No, it cannot be! It's wrong, it's not how it's supposed to be, I...

But nothing can change it. I know now why he lied. We're suddenly both standing on one side of this mark, looking over at one another, unable to do anything... Why? Why did you have to do this?

I stare at the boy, lying motion-less before me. In the dim light, it might as well be Sirius, staring blankly up at me. A fourteen-year-old Sirius.

God! Fourteen years old! He's just a child, for heavens sake. He's not supposed to be branded with the mark of murderers. He's supposed to be curious about girls, not killing-curses. He's supposed to sneak out after curfew with his friends to steal food from the kitchens, not go to secret Death Eater-meetings and receive a Mark.

In this moment, I feel an unparalleled hatred towards his parents. Theirs are the fault that he is doing this. Their twisted views on life, their race to play out Sirius against his brother, them putting all their expectations into this easily-led boy when his big-brother has 'failed' them, them manipulating the soul of a child to one similar to theirs...

He never even got the chance to live for himself. He walks with his father's legs, his arms are his mother's, his thoughts are planted in his mind by his parents, his words have been spoke by them before reaching his mouth.

Damn them!

Damn all that lead their own children into this.

But...

But Severus choose for himself. I know that, yet I do not want to think about it. Do not want to know that he turned away from the path that I am bound to walk on his own accord. Will he leave me behind, when he realises that I will never join his side? Will I be able to take that pain? Or would it be better if I left now...?

No. That is something I cannot do. Cannot walk away, no matter what it will cost me in tears and agony later. I will milk the time I've got with him of all its happiness, and try to forget that it is to be snatched from me. Maybe the memories will be able to soothe my heart, afterwards. Maybe I will recover in time.

People don't die from broken hearts. Love cannot kill a person. Romeo and Juliet were WRONG!

Whimpering, I bend down, stoking the black hair out of the forehead of the boy lying before me, as if wanting to brush away the darkness lodged in his mind.

"Poor little lamb,

creep close to mum,

the lightning and thunder can't hurt you..."

I think: How, oh how will I be able to tell Sirius about THIS? Without letting on that Severus is a part of it?

Does it matter if I do or don't?

Or is everything too late?


	22. Everything comes to those who wait

Not a very long chapter, I know, but my computer has kept f-ckin up for a while, so I haven't been able to write that much...

/Alex

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Chapter Twenty-two

Everything comes to those who wait (And not a moment too soon...)

It's just in the end of November, when I find Lily in the owlery, staring transfixed at a small note in her hand.

"What is it?" I wonder, walking up to her side.

"Oh, nothing" she says, but her voice sounds so strange. Strangled. Her eyes avoid mine. She crumples the note in her hand and throws it out a window. It drifts through the air and ends up at the roof of one of the smaller towers. "Just... nothing" she repeats, trying to smile, but there is something lost in that smile. Like a part of her was missing.

After just some moments of awkward silence, she excuses herself, exiting the room and quickly clattering down the stairs.

I climb out the window, and drop down at a ledge jutting out from the tower-wall, where four stone gargoyles are perched, each in every corner of the tower.

One of them turns to look at me with an unpleasant grin. "Aren't you afraid of heights, lassie?"

"No" I answer, before throwing myself of the ledge. I swift effortlessly into falcon-form, being quite used to it by now, and then soar lazily towards the small tower, where I can see Lily's note shining white against the black roof. I thank my lucky star for that it is not a very windy day, both because the note hasn't been blown away, and because a mid-air shift would've been much more complicated if I would've had to cope with winds, and being smashed into the tower wall in this frail bird's body is not something I would've particularly enjoyed.

Using the keen eye-sight and the ability of hitting targets very far below me that comes with being a bird of prey, I manage to easily snatch the crumpled piece of paper from its place, before pulling in my wings in a soft dive, landing in a tree in the Forest, well out of eye-shot for any prying eyes.

I turn back, almost tumbling out of the tree before once more finding my bearings and being able to climb down. There I smooth out the note, and immediately recognize the careless scrawl that fills it. I hesitate for a moment. Is this really right? I mean, it's a private note, after all. But then my curiosity takes overhand, and I start to read.

"Dear Lily,

Please, be kind not to worry. This is NOT a letter begging you to go out with me, I can assure you. I am actually truly sorry for being such a pest towards you, and that is why I am writing now.

I understand that you are tired of my constant attempts to force you into... shall we say 'take me into consideration? I hope we can. It doesn't sound as humiliating as the other things I know you could say.

I will stop now. I am not really giving you up, something I hope you will forgive me for, but if you allow me to be so insufferably romantic, I do not think that I will ever stop loving you. But I promise I won't be of any more trouble. I once again apologize for earlier awkwardness I might've caused you.

Yours truly,

James Potter."

Oho... Now I know why she looked so nonplussed. Poor James, I do not think he realises how much she actually likes him. But now, no matter what he writes, she will think that he has given her up. And I really do not think she wants that.

But what she doesn't see, what only can be noticed with the eyes of a close friend, is the slight wobbling in his usually even hand, as if his hand was trembling, and the unmistakable stain of a tear down in the left corner. This guy is not giving up. He is just tired of being constantly rejected.

I carefully fold up the note, sticking it into my pocket. I will have to talk to them both, I think. I won't mention the letter. Just have a little chat in general, friend to friend. Because I cannot allow them both to walk around being hurt. I love them both too much for that, and there is really no reason to why they should suffer. If they weren't so caught up in it all themselves, they would probably realise what a perfect couple they really would make. All they need is a little nudge in the right direction...

Tremble, you mortals, for Alex the Matchmaker is out hunting!

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James doesn't look as resolved as the letter sounds. When I find him, he is gloomily occupied with throwing fire-crackers into the hearth, watching them explode with heartfelt depressed sighs.

I sit down beside him, putting a light hand at his shoulder. "Uhm, Prongs... It's about Lily, isn't it?"

He starts. "What is?" he asks aggressively, immediately taking a defensive position.

I sigh deeply. "Listen, James, I am not stupid, nor am I to get scared away that easily. Don't you think I notice?"  
His eyes narrow in sudden suspicion. "Alex? How can you know? Has Lily..."

"Lily hasn't done anything" I assure him. "I just recognize the signs. I know a heartbroken friend when I see one."

"Indeed?" He looks doubtful.

I grin at him. "If you realised what horrible mood-swings Severus suffers from, you wouldn't only refrain from doubting me, but fall to your knees in awe my endless patience. Besides... Well, the time when his mother and father were still around..." I shake my head sadly. "Let's just say it turned me into a big bundle of emotion-sensors."

He pulls a face at the same time as he smiles, something that results in a quite interesting grimace. "Whatever you say. But are you SURE that you don't know... something? Because I'm not."

"I'm not lying to you."

"I HAS happened before."

Argh. Touché. Retreat...

"Because I was scared of losing you, yes" I say, managing to sound hurt. "Do you really think I would risk hurting you by lying now? When I already have so badly, being forced to it? Do you think it was easy to..."

He holds up a hand. "No, I don't. I'm sorry. It's just..."

"That it's sensitive, I know. Whatever has happened, it must be bad, though. Because of Lily's reaction, I mean."

"What?" he says sharply, staring at me.

"Well, she is drooping like a flower without water."

Then he just shakes his head, looking away. "It probably has nothing to do with it. She is probably happy over... what happened."

"What makes you think that?" I wonder blandly, rather than asking him what he means. He wouldn't tell me anyway.

"She hates me" he answers hollowly, staring at his hands.

"No, see, that's where your wrong" I point out.

"What? What are you on about?" He looks suspicious, despairing and hopeful, all at the same time.

"She hates the guy that shows off in front of everybody, that picks on other students, and that cannot even keep a normal conversation with her without trying to shine. That is not you. That is the person you turn into every time she gets near, because you've gotten the deranged idea into your head that that is what a girl is impressed by."

"Well, isn't it?" he says dumbly, and I have to take use of all my self-control not to burst out laughing at him.

"No, James. You taking your responsibilities as a Head Boy, you talking to her without altering your voice and brushing your hand through your hair every tenth second, and instead being sincere with her, you HELPING people, that is what impresses on an intelligent girl like Lily."

"How do you know these things, Alex?"

I hit him. "The last time I - or rather Severus, but that's completely out of the point - checked, I hadn't grown a penis yet, so I really have to be counted as a girl, and I AM intelligent, actually."

He shudders. "I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear all of that. But what's wrong with how I'm acting around her now?"

I roll my eyes in exasperation. "Continue like you do now, and all you'll ever get is Anna Mignon-copies that starts fanclubs to you and that has got about as many braincells on three of them as a Hydrogen atom has protons in its nucleus."

"And how many is that?"

"One."

"Oh." He looks scared at the thought. "Okay, that is disgusting. But what's the point? I've already blown all my chances anyway."

"No, James, you haven't. Because she has seen you when you're hanging around with us, when you act like James instead of that other person, and she likes you. She likes the person who stayed with me even though his best friend was hating me at the moment, for example. Because you did what was right. She likes the real James. If you would just let him out and stop being such a prick, then maybe..."

He stares at me, surprised. "You really do think that I... that I've got a chance?"

I smile gently at him. "If you ask her in a sincere manner, so that she feels sure that you're serious about her; if you ask her without lots of people around, so she knows it is for HER; if you ask her without showing off, so that she doesn't feel like a prize you are trying to win... Then I am actually positive that she will go out with you. But this takes a lot of courage, because it is YOU that is asking her out, not some fictionary character that you are trying to be. So take your time, alright?"

"But..."

"But what?"

"I sent her a letter" he blurts out. "Telling her I would stop asking."

I look at him a really long time, before grinning widely. "Then I suggest that you ask her apology, before your asking."

"For breaking my promise you mean?"

"No. For being such an idiot as to send the letter in the first place."

Then I run, before he manages to catch me and tickle me into oblivion.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lily is lying in her bed, bouncing a ball against the wall; throwing it, catching it, throwing it, catching it again...

She seems to be talking to the poor ball in question, so I stop to listen.

"I-" ...bounce... "-hate-" ...bounce... "-you-" ...bounce... "-I-" ...bounce... "-don't-" ...bounce... "-care-" ...bounce... "-about-" ...bounce... "-you!"... and now she throws the ball with such force that it ricochets off the wall with enormous speed, flying over her head and past me out into the stairwell.

"Damnit!" She snaps, but then stares at me in shock, her mind finally catching up with what her eyes are registering. "Alex?" she says, suddenly blushing.

"Lily" I tell her with a small, exasperated smile. "If you indeed didn't care about him, then why in all the world are you so upset that you actually seriously are having a conversation with a ball? A very one-sided conversation, I might add, or at any rate very boring, since the only thing your partner had to say was "pop". And that was because you were banging it against the wall."

She glares at me, while turning even redder. "I don't care the least about James and... and how do you know what I was talking about anyway?"

"I didn't. I just assumed that it had to be some boy, and you just provided me with his name. So what has he done now?" I sit down next to her.

"Nothing" she replies sulkily. "He's just... he's just an idiot!"

"Lily, YOU are an idiot if you hadn't noticed THAT by now."

She sticks out her tongue at me, crossing her arms over her chest. "He's just so... hopeless! I mean... just so... silly..."

"Yes, Lilt, he is silly at times. But he's also very brave at times."

She presses her lips together, and now I can see her quickly blinking away a tear. "Maybe... I don't care. He's never anything but... but stupid every time he's around me anyway, and he's really just a boy with a swollen head and I don't..."

"Handkerchief, Lily?"

"Shut up!" she sobs, rubbing her tears away with the back of her hand. "I don't care about him! I don't want him around anyway! Maybe I'll finally be able to get a real date! I am GLAD he sent that blasted letter..."

"So that letter was from him?" I inquire, once more offering her the handkerchief. This time, averting her gaze from me, she takes it.

"Yes" she says awkwardly, dabbing her eyes. "He sent it to tell me... to tell me that he will stop asking me out... following me all the time... He... I guess he's just... just grown tired of me..."

Then I actually laugh, but it's a short laugh, a laugh that has nothing to do with me thinking this to be fun. "How long has he been in love with you, Lily?"

She looks away. "Since... since our first year, I suppose..."

"That's right. I happen to know that. 'Since the first time she emptied her inkwell all over me', or that's at least what he said. And now, all of a sudden, he has simply grown tired of you?"

"Well, yes!" she says aggressively. "It could happen. It was just like... like a childhood crush..."

"So he did actually state in the letter that he has grown bored of you?"

"Well, no..." she mumbles. "More like the opposite. But he probably is just afraid of telling the truth..."

"Shut the bloody feck up, Lily" I snap coldly. She stares at me in complete shock, and I give her a long, stern gaze. "James is my friend, Lily, and I love him like a brother. And right now, you were horribly unfair towards him. I know - and you should too - that James would never DREAM of lying to anyone, just because he's scared of telling the truth." - No, that's my appartment... - "He's too good for that, and if you can't see that, then by god, he's too good for you too!" She looks down, ashamed and mortified. My voice turning softer, I continue: "But right now, James is sitting up in his room, sad and defeated and forceless. That is what it's all about, Lily. He just hasn't got the power to take one more rejection. He's already certain that it will fail anyway, so why even try? You haven't exactly given him much to hope for. He's got a heart, Lily, and it hurts him every time you turn him down, can't you understand that? He might look like he's just shrugging it off, but after all the time I and Sirius and Remus and Peter have had to take care of him afterwards, I can tell you that that isn't the case. He even cries over you sometimes, did you know that?"

"No... no I didn't" she mumbles, and now there is something new in her eyes. Something... softer. "Why haven't you told me?"

I smile, brushing a hand down her cheek. "You didn't ask, Lily."

"I understand."

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"James?"

My head snaps up, and I have to smile at James' stunned face. Lily looks determined. Thanks god, for stopping all this silly nonsense!

"Uhm... yes, Ev- I mean Lily?"

Ha! He's so surprised that he hasn't got a chance to screw this up!

"You sent me a letter" she points out.

"Uhm, yeah..."

I hope he can't see everyone watching. After all, we're in the Great Hall. Tss. Lily is a secret drama queen. She should start a club with Sirius.

"You made a promise" she continues.

"Uh, well Lily, about that..."

"I am sorry."

James looks down, absolutely sure the game is over before even beginning. Lily then! Torturing the poor boy.

I cackle evilly, leaning against the wall.

"I am sorry" Lily continues with a beatific smile "because I am going to have to ask you to break that promise."

James looks up, a look of unbelieving spreading across his features. "Will... please... say... again?"

"I am asking you to break your promise."

Their gazes lock, and for a second long as eternity, they stare silently at each other. Then James suddenly grins, a grin full of self-irony and genuine humour. "Hey, Evans, you want to go out with me?" he drawls, brushing a hand through his hair.

Lily stares at him for a few seconds, open-mouthed with surprise. But then she catches the glimmer of fun in his eye, and smacks him over his head while laughing helplessly. "James Potter, you complete and utter insufferable, incurable prat!" Her smile becomes soft and warm. "I'd love to."

And the whole Great Hall seems to hold its breath, as James tentatively stretches out his hand, and she smilingly takes it.

"Pinch me" James mutters, loud enough for everyone to hear it. I shake my head. He asked for it, really.

Three... two... one!

"OUCH! Sirius, what in the world was that good for!"

"But I thought you WANTED to be pinched!" His friend answers, eyes wide with innocence that couldn't be more faked.

And the Hall erupts in applauds and laughter.

"I had actually accounted Evans for a little more intelligence than that" points out a dry voice behind me. "Oh, for the bitter fruits of disappointment."

"Oh, shut up, Severus!" I smile as his arms slip around me from behind. I lean into his embrace, the feeling of security and rightness of this warming me. "You know what they say. Love is blind."

"Obviously. You are a living proof of that."

I shoot him a sharp glance over my shoulder. "Stop that, Severus. I will not have it. Your constant self-criticism is ridiculous, and it's getting on my nerves."

"Ridiculous perhaps, but nonetheless true. And in front of you I am a lousy liar, so I cannot but speak the truth." He gives me a small smile.

_You are lying now_, says a small voice in my head, but I immediately quench it. I will not think of it.

Not now. Later maybe, but not now.

"Rubbish. You are beautiful."

He shakes his head. "Obviously, it is not only love that needs glasses."

"You ARE hopeless, you know that?" I snap with a sigh, watching Lily sitting down beside James. She says something, but he doesn't seem to be aware of it, staring at her with a stupid, blissful smile on her face. She rolls her eyes, turning to Sirius and asking something, and he answers with a grin. Even from this distance, I can distinguish every word from the movements of his lips.

"As you wish, fair lady."

The moment after, he has poured out his glass of juice over his friend's head. James jumps up, shouting something at Sirius, who is far to occupied with his fit of convulsive laughter to pay the least heed to his friend. Remus shakes his head, disappearing behind The Daily Prophet, and Peter is totally failing at trying not to laugh. I notice that Emily winks at him a bit further up the table, and he blushes.

"You don't have to tell me those things, Alex" Severus continues, a trace of bitterness in his voice. "I gave up my vanity a long time ago."

I give him a tired smile, turning my gaze away from James, trying to throttle Sirius, and Lily, laughing heartily at the whole spectacle. I think of all the things I hear people whisper behind his back, remember what Rebecca I'm-so-pretty-don't-you-dare-thinking-you-ARE-someone used to call me.

Slimeball.

Stinker.

Greasehead.

Skeleton.

Disgusting.

Repulsive.

_Ugly._

And what do they know? What do humans really know of beauty? Why do we never learn? Why is it so hard to find what is really important?

I draw a deep breath, hoping I can explain. "There is beauty in everyone. It's just that with some, you have to really see the person, before you can find it. And when it comes to some, you have to really see the person, to find that the beauty isn't so shiny as you first thought. Bellatrix Black, for example, is at first glance one of the most beautiful creatures walking this world. But if you look her in the eye, and see what is hidden behind her face, the beauty fades away. And remember my first words to you. I was looking at you, but I didn't SEE. Not right then. But now I do."

"Romantic."

"Cynic."

"You're naïve."

"You're a jerk."

"Love you."

"I love you too. Bastard."


	23. Facing the past

Chapter Twenty-three

Facing the past. (_But not alone..._)

It started with an idea that Peter came up with. This year, the pranking has been on an even higher level than normal, since the boys want to end their time at Hogwarts with a bang. Over the years, I have participated in these activities quite actively, even though I kept out of the more extreme ones. The thing is that they usually attack those who deserve it, even though there has been some exceptions. Well, Peter pointed out that there were some people that REALLY deserved being taught a lesson...

At first, I refused. The plan would involve that I would have to return to my old streets, enter my old school again, and I am unreasonably afraid of the mere thought of that building and what it once represented. But the more I thought about it, the more I pondered the nightmares that constantly haunt me and the memories that won't leave me alone, the thought of facing my past started to seem like a relief. To face it all, look it in the eye and say "I'm through with this. I've moved on."

My old school has both primary and secondary school included inside its walls, and usually, the classes are kept intact if a big part of the students choose to continue into the upper classes without changing school. And I know that all my classmates - with one exception, a girl who was supposed to move to Canada - did NOT intend to switch to any other school. So they are still all there. Time is frozen behind me, and I could still be a part of that living hell, had not that nondescript letter fallen through my window one day...

Face it. Be brave. Break all bonds. Get free.

And so I agreed.

We were in luck, and the end-of-term falls just one day after we all leave Hogwarts, and it is thankfully NOT the day after a full-moon. And so, I am now standing at the school-yard, looking up at the old grey building while shivers race up and down my spine, as were they also aching to leave.

I hear footsteps behind me, and with a slight wave of panic, I recognize who it is approaching. A quarry learns to recognize the hunter after a while.

I turn around.

At least, Rebecca's expression of complete and utter shock is worth the horror of facing her. Amanda, Charles and Jonathan look just as blank. Of all things, they didn't expect me ever to return here. This is their ground. They feel safe here.

"I thought I would return and look up on my old _friends_" I say amiably, putting all the sarcasm I can muster into the last word.

Amanda regains her posture first. "So you dare to show yourself here?"

"I dare a lot."

"You ran away, didn't you?" Charles falls in.

"I wasn't running from you" I answer calmly, even though this is partly a lie. I don't want them to in any way sense that they've got an upper hand on me, that I am in fact terrified of them.

"You must be stupid to come here all alone. Without your little friends..." Jonathan cracks his knuckles.

"Who are you calling little?" James demands amiably from behind his back. They all jump and spin. Rebecca still seems to be unable to speak, something that is obviously not helped by the fact that the male section of the marauders are all smiling widely at them when they turn around. Remus' eyes are yellow, and they are _glowing_.

Quite frankly, he looks capable of eating them.

James is still looking politely interested, standing with his fingertips resting against each other in front of his chest. Sirius is doing what he is best at. That is, looking gorgeous. He is wearing his most dazzlingly charming grin, leaning against the fence circling the flagpole. Peter is looking cheerful, smiling broadly at them, as if it was his highest pleasure in life to reunite with the persons who - the last time he saw them - almost split his head open.

They have to be loved.

Of course, I notice the small things that gives away their charade. I see that Remus is exercising a very strong self-control to keep the wolf from gaining more power than he is now granting it, I see the dangerous sparkle in Sirius' eye, I see how James' fingertips go white from the pressure, as he tries to refrain from punching the hell out of the quartet before him, I see Peter fiddle nervously with his fingers, see the uncertainty flicker in those clear-blue eyes.

Rebecca also notices this small breach in their defences, something we had expected. "How nice, Alex" she says silkily, her makeup staring maliciously at Peter. "I see you brought your boyfriend."

Peter swallows, but keeps his gaze locked with hers.

"I'm not her boyfriend" he says, lifting his hand to point behind her back. "He is."

Rebecca turns, and finds herself face-to-chest with Severus, smiling his most sinister smile down at her.

"A pleasure" he whispers coldly, as she jumps backwards with a small gasp.

I pick forth my best, most scathing sneer. "I never got to introduce my little friends, if I remember things right." I say casually. "Amanda, Rebecca, Charles, Jonathan, these are my friends: Sirius, Remus, James and Peter. And this is Severus, my - as Peter so correctly pointed out - boyfriend."

Rebecca lets her gaze wander from person to person, obviously starting to feel a bit cornered. Finally, she opens her mouth.

"Men" she tells me, suddenly sounding as if she was talking to a close friend, but there is falseness in her voice. "So easy to manipulate, are they not? They will accept anyone, where a woman would refuse to having anything to do with the person." She smiles menacingly. I notice that neither Charles or Jonathan seems to react on hearing such things, when both the marauders and Severus look as if they have never heard anything as laughable, and I myself most of all want to throttle her. Like stupidity and credulousness has anything to do with the sex. What a load of dingo's kidneys.

I am just abut to open my mouth, when my final troop decides to take their place on the battle-field. "You say so?" Lily asks friendlily, advancing at them with Emily, Baz, Alice and Lavender in tow. "That's an interesting theory. What's the foundations of it, if I may be so bold as to ask?"

All retreats are now effectively cut off for Rebecca and her devoted followers. But our intention is not of fighting. Merely of seeing them sweat a bit.

I slowly introduce them, enunciating each word carefully, as if loading bullets into a gun. Around us, people are starting to gather. I recognize several faces, remember all the names as well as if no time has passed.

And that is where the school-bell chimes. "Well" I say calmly "it seems to be time to go in. Or?"

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They've got a new form mistress, naturally. She looks surprised at seeing the large group of strangers, and one can hardly blame her.

I gesture for my friends to wait, stepping up to her. "Hello there" I tell her smilingly. "I'm an old student here, and this is my old class. I just wanted to stop by and say hello when I was in the neighbourhood."

Since she is a teacher, and as such, must react in a certain way on such occurrences as these, she is naturally positively delighted to meet me, and bids me and my friends to step in. "What is your name, dear?" she inquires.

"Alexita Neidorsdaughter."

The smile evaporates from her face, and she looks vaguely panicked. "Professor?" I say politely, wondering what in all the world this is about.

"Oh, yes of course..." the quite young woman says in a much lower voice. "Of course, us teachers all got to hear from the police about... your case... It was all horrible that no one even had noticed, they said."

Oho. So they know.

"My old teacher?" I ask.

"Fired" she answers, and she doesn't seem to be that upset about it. And why should she? My old teacher was perfectly horrid. Not that she in any way ever did anything directly to me. She did what was worse. She shut her eyes and ears to what the other students were doing to me, pretending that nothing was wrong. Not once did she either ask about the fact that I barely could walk some days when I arrived at school, nothing did she apparently think about me manically washing my hands, nothing was said my total change of behaviour when It first stared happening at home, nothing about me barely eating at all, nothing about the long scars covering my arms, nothing about the facial bruises I sometimes sported. Nothing. Nothing was allowed to destroy her picture of a perfect little world.

"I wanted to say some things to my old class" I tell her, keeping my voice smooth and seemingly calm. She nods, and claps her hands to silence the whispering students, all staring at me.

"Attention! Alexita here wanted to say a word or two to you!" Her voice is trembling slightly, she doesn't know how to handle this.

I wait until they are completely quiet, before I begin. "I would like to say that it is nice to see you all again. Unfortunately, I can't. My years with you were nothing but torture. Even though most of you never did participate in bullying me, many of you were silent spectators to it all. Whether you were afraid to speak up, or didn't want to, I shall remain to be unsaid, it doesn't matter the slightest. Very few of you actually tried to help me. Those who did, do not have to take what I am saying personally. I think you know who you are. I hope those who didn't try to help at least are honest enough to confess this to themselves. Forgive me for not exactly brightening your day, but I have to tell you the truth, and this is it: I was bullied for four years in this class. I lived through a daily hell. And I have never, ever longed back here after I left. I am happy with my new school, and I've got real friends there. People who care about me. People who probably would've noticed what no-one of you seemed to spot: That I was horribly maltreated at home during my time with you." I fall silent for a moment, meeting the stunned gazes of my former classmates, before speaking up again. "I don't think I've got anything else to say" I conclude, starting to walk out of the classroom. But I stop in mid-step, meeting Rebecca's gaze.

"Oh, and one more thing. I am not afraid of you anymore."

I can see Severus smile, and I take his hand as we all walk out of the classroom, leaving stunned silence behind.

Now there is not much left to do...

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My more forward revenge is planned to be a matter of a lot of mud, a few well-placed and utterly discreet spells, a wire, some water-balloons, the invisibility-cloak and a broomstick. Hopefully, after my appearance at school having taught her a lesson, this will give Rebecca the right scare of her life. Sirius has promised me to take pictures of it, showing them to me later. Because I am not going to be present. I have another unfinished affair to sort out.

The last step out of my past.

Severus follows me, but stays by the stairs, out of eye-shot from the door, as I slowly push the bell. I can hear it buzz angrily, and a few moments later, the footsteps of someone hustling down the corridor.

There is a muffled click, and the door swings open.

The woman standing before me is short, if not as short as me, with natural blond hair that curls around her ears, lank and lifeless now as a sign of neglect. Her blue eyes squint at me, blood-shot, the eyelids swollen and circled by dark rings; obviously she has been suffering from lack of sleep for a long time. The face is thin and sharply angled - _and oh god, the feeling of looking into some kind of twisted mirror... _- heavily wrinkled and marked with lines of bitterness. This is the face of a broken person, a human that has failed. This is the face of someone who has lost something and is never going to get it back.

And as she finally understands who the young woman facing her is, the shock and utter horror is painfully evident in her eyes, in her face, in the way she pulls back from me, as if I was infected with some kind of loathsome disease.

"Hello there, mother" I whisper, for suddenly I feel as if my breath has been stolen from my lounges.

She leans heavily against the doorpost, and I can feel the scent of liquor wafting against me. I swallow, waiting for her move.

Finally, her mouth opens, and a small noise escapes from her lips. "Alexia?"

Yes, mother always used to call me that. My strange name was something my father came up with, a way of marking how special I was. But mother never, ever called me that, but instead used the name of her mother, the woman I am named after. She called it a nickname, but I always felt it to be some kind of link between me and my dead grandmother, that my mother tried in every way to establish. Did she always want me to lead the life of someone else, or was it a tribute to me or her mother or both? I don't think I will ever find out. As a matter of fact, I don't think my mother knows surely for herself.

These thoughts pass through my head on nothing more than a split second, before my mother starts crying. She lifts her hand to hide her eyes, deep sobs erupting from somewhere deep inside her to tear at her helplessly shaking body.

Once upon a time, I can remember my mother being like a more beautiful copy of me. Now this is all that is left of her. And I cannot but pity her, no matter what she used to put me through.

"They took you away" she says after some seconds.

"Yes, mother. They took me to a new home."

"Are... are they nice to you?"

"Wonderful. I love them." Her face twists from raw emotion, and she turns away from me. But I continue, because she needs to hear this. "They've got a son. I've got a brother. His name is James. He's one of my best friends. I've got other friends as well."

"And... and you mean to say that you didn't have friends here?" There is something like anger in her voice.

"No. I was bullied here, and I suspect you know it. You just never cared."

"I did. I did!"

"No, mother. You never cared about me. And maybe you have wondered what happened to me after I got away, maybe you regretted, I really don't know that, but I know that you didn't care when it was happening. And that is what really matters."

She is silent for a while. "I didn't know... your father..."

"You didn't listen. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen to me. Every time I tried to mention him, you punished me. And you heard me crying late at night, but you never asked me why. Not once. You just let me cry."

She is rocking back and forth now, arms wrapped around her head. "Don't you... remember... when we were still... a family?" she asks in agonized tones.

"Yes" I answer, and my voice is cold, for I cannot allow myself to feel, cannot allow myself to weaken now. "Yes, I do. And I remember what came after."

"I loved you, I always did!"

"You didn't show it. You made me hate you. You made me hate my own mother." She whimpers, and I sigh. "But I don't hate you anymore. I don't have to. I have a wonderful life now. I have parents that loves me, I have friends that care, I have a boyfriend that understands me. I don't need to hate anymore."

She turns around, staring at me with eyes that are aching with hollowness. "So you do not feel anything?"

"Nothing but pity" I answer.

"Why did you come here? To gloat?" She is almost screaming now.

"No. To forgive."

She stares at me for some seconds, before falling slowly to her knees, burying her face in her hands. She cries loudly and helplessly like a child, and I let her. And when she is finally all cried out, she collapses tiredly sideways. Curled up in a ball at the doormat she lies, her face pale, her eyes closed. I take down a coat from it hanger, spreading it over her like a blanket, before I close the door with a quiet goodbye.

For more than half an hour I then stand silent outside the house, leaning against Severus, before being able to take the first step down the street leading away from there.

But that step, he lets me take alone. Just that step. Then he's there again, supporting me. Everybody has to make their choices on their own, a friend is merely someone who supports you on your way.

Wherever it may lead.

As Severus wraps his arm around me, his sleeve slides up a bit, revealing the dark edge of the Mark. I close my eyes and turn my head away, close my heart over the pain.

_Wherever it may lead..._

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Into a newly bought photo-album I now glue the picture of my bullies, mud-covered and fleeing from an airborne, invisible James, hurling water-balloons. I feel absolutely no sympathy for them. That was simply revenge.

Together with this picture, I fit some other pictures of special events, pictures that I hold particularly dear. On the blood-red leather cover, I charm the word "Nostalgia" in large gold letters.

James laughs when he sees it. "You're silly."

"Even I have to. Some times." I pause for a moment. "Not often, though."  
I lean back against my pillows looking about the room. I am currently under the - self inflicted - influence of a love-potion, one of my best friends is a werewolf, my boyfriend is a follower of a homicidal lunatic...

The walls are blue. James' father painted them for me when I was at school. And this is no longer counted as their guest-room, hasn't been for a very long time now. It's my own room, in my own home...

Home...

I smile, stretching happily.

"What do you look so happy about?"

I grin at James, who is occupying a chair by the window, leaning his head against the cool glass.

"Everything."

He shakes his head with a smile. "Whatever you say."

"Besides, you've got a letter" I point out, waving it in his general direction.

"I do? Where did you find that?"

I roll my eyes. "By the mail-box, Einstein."

"Oh. Who is it from?"

I smirk at him. "Oh, WHO is it you know that would feel inclined to use muggle mail? Could she perhaps be muggle-born, redheaded, green-eyed, and according to you the prettiest girl in the entire-"

"Lily!" he exclaims, lunging out of his chair and onto my bed, trying to snap the letter out of my hands.

"No, she's not Lily, she's Alex, and if you keep confusing the two of them, Snape is going to kill you." Sirius grins at us from the door, his hair unruly and wet from the shower, his eyes twinkling teasingly at us.

I could kill him.

James, on the other hand, magnificently ignores his friend, tearing the letter open and leaning back to read it with a blissful smile.

I roll my eyes. "Give me strength to endure gushy love couples."

Sirius snorts, sitting down. "And YOU should be the one talking!"

I stick my tongue out at him. "Shut up!"

"Never in my life."

James lets out a happy sigh, collapsing sideways with a wide smile. "I'm in love" he tells the ceiling very seriously.

"Now that's some news" I quip sarcastically.

"Like you don't act the same when you get letters from your dear Romeo" Sirius drawls, treating me with a small smirk.

"And you mean to tell me that you don't act like that when you get letters from Baz?" James points out.

"Oh yes I do. But I don't deny it like Juliet here."

"You're a jerk, Sirius."

"Yep. But a charming, handsome Jerk Extraordinaire."

James snorts, and Sirius wallops him over the head with a pillow. I shake my head at the both of them. "You know what? Living here is like having two unruly, annoying big-brothers doing everything to get on my nerves twenty-four seven."

"Ah, well, you know, we love you too Alex" James says with a grin. "But if you don't mind, I was in the middle of a case of serious euphoria." He closes his eyes.

"Oi, you and your sexual fantasies should get a room" Sirius hollers with a disgusted face. James opens one eye, glaring murderously at him.

"I am going to pretend I didn't hear that for the good sake of several years of brotherhood. But don't test your luck, mate."

I lean back with a contented sigh. "Things could be worse. Things could defiantly be much worse."


	24. Loss

Chapter Twenty-four

Loss (End of all illusions.)

And today, it's the last day at school before the school vocations. It seems unbelievable. I managed to get through the OWL:s with splendour, except from a tiny little incident concerning a memory-charm when I overdid it a bit and made the poor man forget the whole of the week passed instead of just the last five minutes.

Now the boys spend the last hours of their time at Hogwarts down by the lake, and I am about to go down to keep them company.

As I approach, I notice that Sirius and Severus are having one of their usual rows. Some things NEVER change, do they?

"Stop!" I shout, holding up my hands. Then I pass between the both of them, staring dumbly at me. When I have gained some distance between them and me, I turn around. "Well, go on! It's a free country. I am not going to prevent you both from expressing your feelings towards each other as long as I don't have to hear it." I sit down, shoving my fingers into my ears and giving the both of them a long, steady glare.

Sirius looks like I've just hit him over the head with something. Severus crosses his arms over his chest, looking displeased.

"Well?"

The two boys glance at each other, and then at me, and then back. And then, something happens that I don't quite understand. Sirius' eyebrows goes up, and Severus grimaces slightly, before he nods.

It's as if they agree on something.

That is my last though before the two of them lift me up, carry me down to the lake and throw me into the water.

"Bastards" I gasp as soon as I am able to speak again. Sirius backs off, holding up his hands in defence and grinning widely. Severus is already walking backwards at a quite high pace, smirking at me.

Wise move. But not enough. He should've ran.

"_Petrifucus Totalus_!" The first one hits Sirius over the chest, sending him flying backwards. That is when Severus finally realises the full danger of a wet and pissed off me, and starts running. Too late.

"_Impedimenta_!" It hits him in the small of his back, and he falls forward. While Baz runs up to help Sirius, sending me a look of mixed reproach and amusement, I attack Severus - who is trying to regain his ability of movement - from behind.

"I am going to kill you for that!"

"What?" He pants, still wearing that infuriating smirk. "I thought you WANTED us to agree with each other?"

"Well, not working AGAINST me!" I snap, managing to pin him against the ground.

"Oops. My wrong." And he STILL won't stop smirking!

Well, at least I won't see if he is smirking while kissing him, even if I have a feeling that he still is.

"_Please_ get a room!" James groans.

We don't even look up, but still we simultaneously lift our wands.

"_Stupify!_"

"Alex then!" Lily exclaims, but she is laughing as she kneels down beside her passed-out boyfriend.

Peter and Emily are sitting a good way from each other. They are trying to look like they are not avoiding to look at each other, I notice, before Severus kisses me again and the world starts doing cartwheels.

I hear Remus chuckling. "Spare me" he mutters.

"Spare you from what?" Emily chirps.

"All these lovebirds."

"Shut up and get yourself a girlfriend as well, Moony" James quips good-naturedly, as Lily obviously has managed to wake him up.

Remus giver him a haunted gaze that speaks volumes, and I feel quite sorry for him.

Sirius "Oblivious" Black: "Yeah, why don't you get girl yourself, Moony, and stop harassing us? It's not like there aren't girls that would cut off themselves their right arm to get a piece f you."  
Severus rolls his eyes, and I shake my head at him. Sirius would hardly listen anyway. But it is entirely possible that he would punch Severus.

Remus looks a little trapped, looking down at his own hands. "I... just don't feel for it. Really, Sirius..."

I try a new trick with my mind-penetrating abilities, trying to project a thought of mine in Sirius' mind.

_Drop it!_

He twitches, his eyes searching for me. I nod curtly, before turning towards Remus and pretending that nothing has happened. And Sirius, who normally would've continued pestering Remus, shuts up, snuggling closer to Baz.

But Remus stands up, walking down to the water-line and wrapping his arms around himself with a small, shuddering sigh. I know his dark mood is not only caused by Sirius' slightly ignorant words. He is worried about the future. There is hardly a place for a werewolf in modern wizard society, even though history tells us it has been much worse. But it is unsure if he is even going to find somewhere to work.

I see Lily's eyes narrow, and she stands up. James gives her a questioning glance, but she only shakes her head, walking over to Remus. She doesn't say anything, but puts a gentle hand at his shoulder.

"She's a bloody diamond" James mumbles when Remus smiles warmly, his worry-lines disappearing.

Emily nods, looking thoughtful as well.

Obviously, Remus' secret is not going to be quite as much a secret in a while.

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And thus we are now standing at King's Cross. The boys are looking jittery and nervous, I only feel horrible because I can't be as happy for them as I should be.

As their parents arrive - well, not Mr. and Mrs. Black, thankfully - there is a lot of laughing and hugging and kissing, and everyone looks so happy, that I subconsciously back away, not wanting to intrude.

"I need to speak to you."

I nod without turning around. "I'll come, Severus. I just need to speak to them first."

He doesn't say anything else, but I feel him touching my neck gently with two fingers before he walks away.

"Hey, Alex!" I look up with a smile, as Sirius bounds over, looking happy and exited. "Abraham Potter found me a flat! Want to come and check it out? James is going over to the Evans', and Remus and Peter are going home first. They'll come over later tonight."

I nod. "Sure. You give me the address and go ahead of me. I'll have to stay and talk." I cast a glance over my shoulder at Severus, leaning against a wall and looking... nervous? That's strange...

Sirius nods. "Sure enough." He scribbles down the address on a small note and hands it to me, before bouncing away once more.

Severus appears at my side. "Can we go somewhere private?"

"I think there's a room at the library nearby where you usually can be alone."

He nods, and we walk there in silence. I don't feel very good about this. I really don't. I've got this crawling, prickling feeling that signals that something is amiss.

The room is as usual empty. As a matter of fact, the whole library is pretty deserted. Only to be expected on a brilliant day like this one, I suppose.

"Alexita..." Uh-huh. Not good. He only uses my full name when he is really serious.

"Yes?" I sit down, instinctively taking defensive position.

He seems to be trying to look anywhere but at me. "I... There is something I haven't told you."

Someone seems to have dropped a one-ton weight at the pit of my stomach. Not good. Definitely not good at all.

My next words surprise myself more than him, it seems.

"I know."

He nods quite calmly, even if I can see that his hands are trembling. "I almost thought so. For how long?"

"Not long" I lie.

He nods. "You've seen the Mark?"

I swallow, as the word seems to have stuck. Finally, I manage to croak a faint "Yes".

He walks over to me, lifting my chin and meeting my gaze. "Listen to me, Alexita. I've seen the power of that man. It's vast. The only one I know of with powers rivalling his is Dumbledore. And moreover, he's a tactical genius. He has very many powerful followers, and the Dementors at Azkaban seems willing to ally themselves with him, just as the giants. There is no defeating him." He swallows, and he looks unnaturally pale, even to be him, and that is saying a lot. "I don't want to be anyone's servant, but rather alive and serving than dead and free."

I silently shake my head, and his expression turns agonized. "This might be your only chance, Alexita! You are currently associating with some of the Dark Lord's future primary targets, don't you understand that?"

"Yes I do. That's exactly why I couldn't possibly... switch side."

"Please, love, I can't see you hurt, you know I can't. And I know I am going to loose you. I can't meet you anymore, that would be risking your life, and I will have to count you as my enemy. Please, I cannot handle that."

"I don't want that either. But you have the right to choose whatever side you want, just as I have the right to do the same, and you have to respect my choice as I do yours. Don't you think it has hurt me to know that you follow a lunatic who would smile if he saw me murdered?"

"But there is no choice" he hisses desperately, grabbing my wrist. "Otherwise, you will either end up his slave or dead! There is no choice what so ever!"

"There is always a choice, Severus. And personally, I would rather act upon my hearts desire to do what is right, than any instinct to keep myself alive which might suggest that I should bow before a man such as him to save my own hide. I am much too proud for that, and I will have admit that I thought you to feel the same. Evidentially, I was wrong, and I am most sorry that is the case."

He lets out an infuriated noise, turning away. "Don't be so childishly naïve, Alex! What have those Gryffindors taught you? That life is all flowers and sunshine all along? That everything works out if you just close your eyes and wish really hard? Don't you understand at all? The heart's desire has nothing to do with this. There is death and destruction out there Alex, and unless you want to be the next victim to that..."

Okay, that is enough!

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child, Severus Snape! Don't you dare act like I know nothing about the terror of that man. I saw Tara Lupin after the Death Eaters had... dealt with her. I saw her manhandled and deformed body and I know very well what they are capable of, thank you very much." I grab his shoulder, forcing him to turn and look at me." But I moreover saw Remus' face right then, I saw the grief of a child who had lost his mother. I saw very clearly what these people are in the mirror of his agony, and I would never be able to do a thing like that to anybody, nor follow a man who orders people to perform such an act of violence. Do you hear me? They are nothing but simple murderers, they are nothing short of being the scum of this earth, and they are made of exactly the same stuff as our fathers! I don't want to see you among them, but there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only tell you this: I will NEVER go over to that side. That's not going to happen. Those people kill muggleborns for fun, Severus. People like me!"

He looks hurt and disappointed and angry, and I know that he is on the verge of tears. And then I can see the walls of ice, those that I never thought he would rise against me, materialize in his gaze, his face turning to stone and his eyes into crisp and bitter frost. "So once again you choose them over me."

"It's not about you or them!" I shout, and there is nothing I can do to keep from crying. "It's about that I don't want to be one of those! I don't want to follow a man that can kill for the mere pleasure of it! I cannot be the pawn of another! Then I will rather die, do you hear me! I will even loose you, if I have to!"

He flinches away from me, as if I had slapped him, and there is such an endless sadness in his eyes that I have to turn away my gaze. I think dizzily that I am thankful the library's so empty, so nobody hears us; I look down at my own hands through the mist of tears and I can see that they are so tightly clenched that the knuckles have turned all white.

"If that is your choice" is all he says, before he leaves. I stand perfectly still, trying to relax my hands and let my arms hang loosely at my sides, trying to focus my mind on this and nothing else. As I do so, there is a muffled clang as something hits the floor. Numbly, I bend over and pick it up.

In my hand is a circlet of white gold with a quite large, beautiful opal imbedded in it. On the cool, smooth surface, spidery letters are engraved, forming words in a long ago dead language.

"_Verae amicitiae sempiternae sunt"_

Only when one of us fail...

But who failed who?

Maybe we both failed each other...

And that is when the full impact of what has passed gets to me: He is gone. Severus is gone. Forever. He has left me behind.

And I start running...

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I run as if chased through the streets of London. At some part of the way I must've taken up Sirius' note and read it, and I think I can recall asking people for the direction, for when I finally look up at the sign, blinking the tears away for a moment, and it says "Harley Street", I feel a wave of relief so great that I almost fall to my knees in pure gratitude. I find the right door, punch in the code and take the elevator as far as it goes. I then knock on the wall between the doors saying "Andersen" and "Telù" - all following instructions given on the note - to gain access to the extra floor that the wizards have added. A staircase appears, and I take it two steps at the time. All this is done almost without me thinking about it, without me really thinking about anything at all. I try to focus my gaze at the ground some meter before me, focus my mind at putting one foot before the other, stumbling helplessly as I can barely see for all the tears. But as the door with a brand new sign reading "S. Black" swings open, and Sirius comes into view, everything crashes.

I throw myself in his arms, weeping uncontrollably. I can feel him start from shock, and I want to explain to him, but I cannot form any words. I can only cry.

He helps me into what I suppose to be his combined bedroom and living-room, sitting me down on the sofa. I cling desperately to him, hiding my face against the textile of his T-shirt, wanting more than anything to scream out all the pain that threatens to drown me, but not managing more than silent, pathetic sobs.

"Alex? Please Alex, talk to me will you? Can you tell me what has happened? Come on, girl, what's wrong?"

But I shake my head, refusing to look up. I cannot tell him, everything has seized up inside me in front of this painful fact: _He's gone. For ever._

I don't know how long we sit there, but when my storm of tears has subsided a bit, he wraps a blanket around my shoulders, and with a promise to be right back, disappears hastily into the kitchen.

I can hear him start a fire, and then the slightly muffled words as he obviously confers to someone over the floo.

"Hello Mr. Evans. Is James still there? Oh, would I please be able to speak to him? Thank you." There is a short pause, in which Lily's father fetches James. "James? Please, you must come over now. It's Alex..."

The rest is all mumbles, and just a few seconds later, there is a roar of flames, and I can hear James stumbling out of the fire-place. Then I hear Sirius speak once more, this time with Remus, and then once again with Peter.

They enter together, all wearing looks of concern and worry. I nod to them as a way of greeting, wrapping my arms around my knees.

Remus falls to his knees beside the sofa. "Will you please tell us what has happened, Alex? Will you tell us what is wrong?"

I sigh, bending my neck to avoid their gazes. "There is no point in this, is there? I just wish... not to think of it, I suppose. Maybe I don't want you to know." I cast Sirius a glance. "I know that you will... think the worst of it all, and I know that you are fully entitled to it."

And that is when Sirius manage to surprise me with a maturity I would never have credited him for. "Whatever he has done, I promise you I only want to hear it for your sake, Alex. I see no point in gloating."

I try to smile, and I suspect that I am failing quite miserably. "I... I just... He is a Death Eater."

They all gasp, and I do not blame them. On the contrary. Sirius of course swears loudly, I had expected that much.

Remus: "How long have you known?"

WHY does he have to be so intelligent?

"Since last autumn" I answer tiredly, wiping tears off my face. To no avail, since they just keep coming. "I just didn't want to confront him. I suppose I was afraid to. And it was selfish of me, I suppose, but I could not help it."

"Selfish?" James wonders.

"He isn't the only one." I reply heavily. "There are others. And your brother is one of them, Sirius."

He sits down very quickly.

"I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry."

"Regulus..." he leans his head in his hands. "I shouldn't be surprised. But I thought... He is so _young_..."

"I know. It's not really his fault. It's all... bad company."

Sirius nods, and his hands clench into fists. "God, the little git is so... easily lead. I don't want him... to... to..."

"You don't want him to get hurt, you don't want him to be one of them, you don't want him to take this final step." I lie down, hiding my face against the cushions, pounding angrily at them with my left fist. "I know that. I... I've been fearing for him. And I... I feel... Oh, bollocks!"

At loss of words, I grab one of the cushions and fling it across the room.

James sadly shakes his head. "We... Well, I suppose I cannot say that it is a surprise."

I give a bitter laugh. "Why would you? I know I am not surprised. I doesn't make it any less painful, and I've had some time to get used to the thought."

"So what happened" asks Peter, sitting down on the floor and nervously fingering the cushion I threw.

"He told me. He wanted me to join.", Remus and Peter look grim and both Sirius and James curse loudly. I raise my voice to drown them out. "He is concerned about me, that's all! He is sure that I will get killed if I don't change side. And he... he doesn't want to have me as his enemy."

"He still choose for himself, Alex" Remus gently points out.

"I know! Don't you think I know that? But he's afraid. He wants to live, and I actually cannot blame his for that. He cannot see me anymore without endangering my life and I suppose... I suppose he just wanted to... show that he cares." I bite my lip, turning my head away from them. I have not the energy nor the will to see anymore of their faces in which their eyes burn in suppressed anger.

"He left" points out Sirius, and his voice is strained with the effort of refraining himself from more direct display of his rage.

"Yes" I answer, my voice barely intact enough to speak. "He left. He left me."

Sirius realizes his wrongdoing, and once again puts his arms around me to repair the damage. "I'm so sorry Alex. I'm... At least he did it because he wanted you to be safe."

"But I don't want to be safe" I sob, digging my fingernails into his back and squeezing my eyes tightly shut. "I just want to be with him, I don't care if I die I just want him to come back! I don't care about Voldemort, I don't care about the Death Eaters, I don't care what they would do if they found out, I don't care about anything at all! I just... want him... to be with me... again..."

"We know, Alex" says James softly. "And I think he knows that too. Maybe he just needs a bit of time. Please Alex, I may be far from being his biggest fan, but if there is something that not even I, or Sirius for that matter, can take from him, then it is that he really, truly and unselfishly does love you."

I do not answer, it all hurts too much. I just cling even harder onto Sirius, weeping over a loss that seems to have taken over my whole being, filling me up with its desolate emptiness. I am breaking, and I don't think I want to anything about it.

I just want to... sleep...


	25. Depression

Chapter Twenty-five

Depression (And why would anyone want to have a heart?)

I don't know for how long I've been in this bed now. Obviously, Sirius had a bedroom, for when I woke up I was there, wrapped in heavy blankets. On a tray they had left some food, and the curtains were open to a rainy, grey morning.

I pulled them shut.

I wonder how long time has passed since I awoke to find myself here. I wonder, for ever since that morning, the room has rested in a perpetual gloom, as if suspended in the space between one heavy, painful heartbeat, and the next. That suits me fine, for I don't want time to interfere with my sorrow. I simply wonder, but would not ask.

I know I am not the first to suffer from a broken, and maybe some would say that I am overreacting. I don't care. My grief is my own, and nobody else has any right to touch it or belittle it.

Every time I hear someone entering, I close my eyes, and I do not open them until the person disturbing the peace in the room leaves. They act very differently when they come in here. Remus usually talks to me, in a low, soothing voice. Jenny sings, and Abraham tries to coax me into acknowledging that they are there. Peter sits by the side of the bed, very, very silent, and James walks about the room, straightening my sheets and changing the flowers in the vase at the bedside table. Sirius only stands very still by the window, apparently staring at the curtains, for I know he does not open them. Maybe he can see a sliver of the world between them, and maybe he wonders if I come to stand here sometimes when I am all alone in the room.

I don't. I can't.

I just sit here, propped up by some cushions, and stare at the wall opposite my bed. I walk across the room sometimes, to fetch a book from the bookshelves by the door. But I keep my gaze averted from the window all the time.

I hear them outside the door, like echoes of a life abandoned. They are all talking in low voices, and they never laugh. It brings back memories of my grandmother's house when I was five. The house where someone is dying. I don't know why they act like that.

I don't like my thoughts. They are like a constant babbling at the back of my mind, disturbing my sleep and the pretence of peace and acceptation of my fate that I try to keep up as much as possible. I don't like all those voices that cry out with pain inside me, those that speak of regret and anger and a horrible, heartrending feeling of having been used and then thrown away.

It is not true. I know he loved me.

But then he left anyway, did he not? 

Someone knocks softly at the door, and I close my eyes again. Maybe I'm a coward, but I really do not care. The pain would become unbearable to handle if I saw it confirmed in their eyes.

"Hi there Alex" Remus murmurs, and I hear soft steps padding against the carped. Two pairs of feet. "It's me and Sirius." Ah. "We're just here to take the food-tray out and keep you a little company. How's that?"

I do not move, nor do I speak, nor in any other way signal that I have heard. I hear Remus walking over and lifting the food-tray, while Sirius takes his usual spot by the window. "Alex?" Remus sits down on the left side of my bed, sounding genuinely worried. "Please Alex, have you eaten anything at all?"

I try to think back. Have I? I don't know. Maybe a little. What does it matter anyway? It's not like I'm starving. I would be feeling that, wouldn't I?

"You are so very thin, Alex, and so very pale. And you've been here for two weeks now. We are scared, can't you see that? You are withering away in front of our eyes, and you won't tell us how to help you." Remus' voice almost cracks, and I stir restlessly. Please leave me alone... I can't handle...

Good god, such a coward I am, always running from my struggles and pains... such a horrible coward...

I once more hear soft steps approaching, and I feel Sirius sitting down on my right. He catches my right hand hand, in which I am still hugging the bracelet tightly, in his. He turns it over, gently prying my fingers loose. "I has cut into the flesh" he says softly, his fingers gently trailing over my hand. I stretch out my fingers towards him, a prayer for him to give the bracelet back. "I'll put it here, on the bedside-table" he answers my unspoken words. "He won't come back more if you get yourself an infection, you know." I feel something wet brushing against the inside of my hand, and it stings horribly. "_Curaris. _There you go. Now it'll heal just fine." He lets his hand rest against my palm.

Lonely, lonely... Why do I feel so lonely if they are here? Why can't I be grateful? Why isn't this enough? I want to show them how much it means to me that they are here, but to open my eyes seems impossible, and there are no words that I can speak to force out the tight knot of feelings that is stuck in my chest.

Softly, I squeeze Sirius' hand with my fingers. I hear him breathing deeply from relief. "So you do hear us, Alex? We were worried you didn't even do that. We are scared for your sake, can't you see that?"

I squeeze once more, a silent apology.

I can feel fingers against my face, brushing some wayward strands of hair away. "It will work out, Alex" Remus mumbles. "In some way, everything will work out just fine."

"I know it is hard" Sirius says. "But you're a marauder. You'll work your way through this. You'll survive. You'll find your way."

"You told me once not to make everything you've done for me be for nothing, Alex. Now I tell you the same thing. Don't you dare give up, Alexita Neidorsdaughter. Nothing good will come out of you giving up." Remus' voice trembles from emotion, just as the hand still resting against my cheek.

Sirius gently closes my hand, giving it one last caress. Then I can hear how they both stand up, leaving the room with two softly whispered goodbyes.

X

I think two more days passes, before I wake up by something I can hardly remember the feeling of. Sunlight, warming my face.

"There!" says a brisk voice. "That's much better. A little sunlight really _can_ do wonders, can't it?"

Emily. What on earth is she doing?

"Now, this won't do." I almost jump, as her voice suddenly resounds right beside me. "What good do you think this will come to, Alex? Hiding from the world like this?" She actually giggles. "You look like a cocoon, you know. Sleeping the winter away." Her voice turns serious. "But this winter won't go away unless you make it so."

She tears away my blanket. I turn my head away, burying it in the pillow. "Troublesome, am I?" she asks grimly. "Well, I'm not nearly as much trouble to everyone as you, my young lady. I suppose what has happened is awful, but it will be no better if you kill yourself and hurt everyone that loves and cares for you. Oh, I am sure that Severus would be devastated if he got to know that you'd died for his sake, and that would be some revenge, wouldn't it? But I don't think revenge is what you want."

I tense uncomfortably.

"What do you mean, not dying?" she wonders, as if I had spoken my thought out loud. "You are not eating, you are barely moving, and you are sleeping rather badly as well. You are killing yourself, Alex, whether or not you are aware of it."

I stare angrily into the darkness of my pillow. What is she talking about? I am perfectly fine!

"And while you might think you are fine" she continues, now apparently flinging the window open "you are hurting your friends. Sirius is a nervous wreck by now. He hardly can eat himself, and you can barely talk to him. He doesn't react until you shout right in his ear, and then he jumps and looks so badly frightened that you almost fear he is going to have an heart-attack. James has lost his will to do anything, Jenny and Abraham are out of their minds with worry and Lily is crying all the time. Remus' last transformation was disastrous, or so James tells me." What! She knows? "The wolf obviously couldn't understand why one of its playmates was gone, and was rather upset about it." She sits down beside me at the bed, talking in a low, determined voice. "They are all suffering from this, and if I've got to hear Peter lying sleepless one more night, I swear that I will run mad. Maybe I already have. Whether or not this is true, I am getting you out of here if I am so going to drag you by your toes. Do you hear me?"

She sighs, and her voice turns softer. "It does not do to just cry over something lost. You have to stand up and fight. I know I cannot possibly imagine what you have gone through and what you are feeling now, but..." She falls silent for a moment, stirring restlessly. "I didn't actually know Julie. But I know that you swore to her to take care of her son for her. And hard as it may be, now is when he needs you the most. At the end of it all, it will be his choice, not yours, that matters, but what you can do is to fight, to show that you have not given up. Do this for me, and for your friends, and for Severus. But most of all, do it for yourself." Once more, she falls silent, and I feel her putting her hand on my shoulder. "The Alex I have come to know and love would not give up like this. And I do not believe that that person is dead. Only lost. Show to me that she has power enough to find her way back, and courage enough to walk that way, even if it is painful."

She gives me a shove, turning me over on my back, and I do not close my eyes now. Gently, she wipes the tears from my face. "There you are. That's a good girl." She lifts me up in sitting position, smiling warmly at me. "Up you go. Let's show the others that you are alive again, shall we? They will all be so happy. Think you can do that?"

I nod, and she helps me to my feet. I realize that I am weaker than I thought. I can stand on my feet very well, since I've been up during nights, getting to the bathroom and such, but my head is spinning. When did I drink something the last time? Must be about a whole day ago, at least. Emily sees that I am having trouble, but she does not suggest that I shall lie down again. I am glad she doesn't. It makes it easier to go on.

The door swings open easily, not making any sound. My friends sits listlessly on the floor, and none of them look up as we enter. Remus and Peter are playing chess, even though none of them actually seems aware of what they're doing. One of Remus' eyes are swollen shut, since a horrible cut runs straight over it, and he has his arm in a sling. Peter has got dark circles under his eyes, and he is looking rather pale.

"You are trying to place your knight on top of your own rook, Rem."

"Oh? I didn't see that. Here. Check."

"Mhm."

"A tower can't do like that, Peter."

"What? Oh, that wasn't what I was supposed to do. There."

"You're still in check."

"I know that." Peter falls backwards, hands over his face. "I give up. I can't concentrate anyway."

James is reading a book. Upside-down.

Lily is resting her head in his lap, levitating a deck of Exploding Snap cards in front of her, making them collide with each other so that they emit small bangs.

Sirius is staring blankly into space, his lips moving silently.

I hear noise from the kitchen, supposedly Jenny and Abraham.

And I can't talk. What am I supposed to say?

"Giving up, Pete?" Emily murmurs reproachfully.

"Shove off, Em."

"So, you won't even look at me?"

He gives a long-suffering sigh, rolling over on his stomach. "There, happy no-" His mouth falls open. I look away.

"Alex?"

I can actually feel them all turning around to stare in surprise at me, and there is a soft noise as the Exploding Snap deck floats to the ground, followed by a series of explosions. "Hi" I mumble.

In the next second, I feel my feet leaving the ground, as strong arms wrap around me and I am lifted into a tight embrace that smells like far too much cologne to be healthy. "God, Sirius, what _are_ you trying to hide with all those poisonous fumes?"

"Glad you're back, Wing" he whispers, hugging me even closer.

"Padfoot?"

"Yes?"

"You're breaking my ribs."

"Oh. Sorry."

He puts me back down, leaning over me so that I feel even shorter than usual and smiling widely. "Nope. Nothing has changed."

I yank him forward by using his hair, grabbing him around the neck and propelling him forward onto the couch. He gives one surprised yelp, managing to break his fall a bit by throwing his arms forward. "As I thought. Nothing HAS changed. I can still beat the crap out of you."

"I was unprepared" he growls. "I'll take you next time."

"Not until young miss here has gotten something to eat" says Jenny sternly, watching us from the kitchen door with a small smile playing on her lips.

"At least one sensible human" Lily mumbles.

"You know, I am actually quite hungry."

James groans, before he also lifts me up in a tight hug. "Sweet god, you ARE hopeless, aren't you?" Then Remus and Peter follows suit when it comes to the hugging, even if Peter at least doesn't lift me up. Why don't I associate with more short guys? Okay, so he is still about ten centimeters taller than me, that's out of the point.

"So how are you feeling?" Remus asks kindly.

"Not good, Moony. But Em is right. No point in giving up just like that."

"Now that's the spirit, Al!"

"Shove it, Pads."

X

"Okay Alexita, spill it!"

"Que?" I look up from my jigsaw-puzzle, to find Remus glaring at me.

"A broken heart is an awful thing, but it doesn't explain why you couldn't even feel that you were starving yourself. What has happened to you? There is some magic involved, am I not right?"

I swallow, turning my gaze away. "It's nothing. Just nothing."

"Mhm. And I am a completely normal human."

"Please Remus..."

He sighs, tilting his head gently as he regards me. "I won't give up until you tell me, you know that. Don't make this any harder."

I sigh, throwing my hands into the air. "I don't want to make ANYTHING harder. That's why I don't want to tell you. It's a secret I would like very much to keep to myself."

"Nothing good comes from keeping secrets" Remus answers darkly. "You of all should know that."

I laugh reluctantly. "This is different. It... there is nothing anyone can do about it anyway, and it would only be harmful if it came out."

Now he doesn't say anything. He just waits, patiently as time itself.

"Oh, Jesus Christ bananas..." I mumble, leaning my head in my hands. "Fair enough. Yes, there is most certainly some magic involved."

Remus still doesn't say anything, listening so intently that one could almost hear it.

"The magic in question" I continue heavily "is a love-potion."

Remus exhales very, very slowly, eyes never for an instance leaving my face. "Am I to understand" he mumbles "that Snape..."

"If you do, you are understanding it wrong" I snap impatiently. "Severus doesn't even know that I am under the influence of it."

"So who did it to you?"

I give a disgusted face. "You are not thinking, Remus. If someone had given me a love-potion, why would the person in question tell me about it?"

"You mean that..."

"Yes, Moony. I did it to myself. I had to."

"_Had to!_" he exclaims, staring at me in horror. "What in the world is _that _supposed to mean?"

"I had to, if I wanted to save... something I hold very dear."

"Like what?"

I am just about to say that this is no business of his, but then I see the expression he's wearing, and think better of it. No point in _asking_ for trouble. "Like my friendship with Sirius."

He laughs, but he doesn't exactly sound amused. "Oh, _now_ you are making sense. Of _course_ you made yourself fall in love with Severus Snape to save your friendship with Padfoot. Why didn't I think of that before?" he asks, sarcasm dripping from each word.

I sigh. "Don't be nasty, Remus. You didn't give me any chance to explain." I inhale deeply before I continue. "The reason I did what I did instead of letting nature take its own course is that I was falling in love wi-with Sirius. I couldn't let it happen, so I... killed my love for him. It proved to be the right thing to do. Severus had loved me for quite some time then, and I never wanted that kind of relationship with Sirius anyway."

He stares at me for some very long moments. And then he gently takes my face between his hands looking down at it with serious eyes. "This cannot have been easy."

I swallow, trying not to start crying again. "It was the hardest thing I ever did. But also the one thing that I can truly say that I've never regretted in my life."

And then he gathers me up in his arms, rocking me back and forth like a small child, and I can allow myself to cry one last time over Severus. The tears are soft and quiet, soothing and healing the long, raw gashes of grief that his departure tore up in my heart. I won't forget him, and I don't think I would want to stop loving him, even if I could, but at least the wounds aren't open anymore.

"You were very brave, Wing" Remus tells me, a smile in his voice. "Very, very stupid. But also very, very brave."

"I'm a Gryffindor" I answer him a bit poisonously, and he laughs.

"Don't think I don't understand why you did it. I don't think that it could've worked out very well between the both of you. You are like sister and brother to each other. I would just be... wrong. And I know what it is to know better, to have to... kill love. Believe me when I say that I know what it's like, and how utterly painful it is."

I don't ask him who it is that he has had to kill his affections for. I do not think he wants even to think about it. It must be ten times more painful without a love-potion, since it would take so much time, and you would be fighting yourself for every step of the way.

"It's just... I cannot stop loving him now. It's in my blood, Moony. Burning, searing, eating, controlling... _there._ It's a part of me."

"I think I know what you mean" he says, and he subconsciously looks down at his shoulder, where I know the scar after the infected bite-mark is hidden beneath the clothes.

"But the thing is that I _want_ it to be there. I chose it for myself. And because of that, the difference from what you might call "real" love is hardly there. There is the physical pain of not having him here with me, a pain like had my blood turned into acid, but I almost can't feel it now. And there is the fact that it won't go over. But otherwise, I cannot see any difference. I really do love him." I swallow down the burning sensation in my throat, looking him into the eyes and seeing understanding shine back at me.

"Of course you do" he says, and he smiles ever so slightly. "We all know you do. We have seen it. It even smells real" he ads, winking. "Wolves notice those things. Sirius does too. He calls it disgusting, but maybe that's because he can't argue with the scent."

I sigh, leaning back to stare avidly at the ceiling. "It won't ever go away, and I don't want it to. But right now it is... difficult."

"We know that, Alex. We know."


	26. Unknown ground

Chapter Twenty-Six

Unknown Ground (Brave?)

_I know this is a dream._

I look around myself, trying to find out where I am, but the room around me seems to be avoiding my gaze. I can see it out of the corner of my eye, but as soon as I try to look directly at it I can only see darkness. It is as if something tries to tell me that it is unimportant, that this isn't what I am supposed to see.

But there is voices, somewhere. I turn around, try to find the disturbance in the otherwise quiet darkness. There...

It is Severus. He is much, much older. Must be closing on forty. I can't see who he is talking to, and I cannot hear what he says, all syllables seem to be thrown around into a nonsensical hubbub, a meaningless babble. I step closer, passing through whoever he is talking to and feeling a short and confusing wave of guilt and happiness.

"_I kept my window open. For four years, even during the winter. But then I closed it. Didn't know why I did it in the first place. But it got colder as I closed it."_

Huh? What was that?

But no explanation comes, his words turn incomprehensible once more. I turn around, and stare at someone that might be me, some twenty years from now or so. But only if I spent several of these years on the bottom of a grave, from the looks of it. I really look quite hard done by.

And the me that is sitting there, right in front of me, looks up. And her eyes flicker, as if she was trying to find something she knows must be there, before she shrugs, and looks away. And once more, I can't see her. Everything turns dark around me, dark and both cold and warm at the same time, and I am floating...

And I am floating...

And I am...

...opening my eyes, staring into the night.

The dream lingers for a moment as an unidentifiable ache, before I shake my head. Nonsense, all of it. Just nothing.

I sit up, looking around. Around me at the floor they are still camped, they did not want me to move from here just yet, were worried about me, my great undeserving git. And so they all stayed.

James and Lily are lying huddled together on one mattress. Lily's lips are resting against James' forehead, and his hand is resting on her neck.

Sometime during the night, Emily has also abandoned her bed to snuggle down beside Peter. What is happening between the both of them is so very quiet and tremulous, but nonetheless beautiful. They deserve each other.

Remus looks lonely. He has kicked his blanket away, and the way he is clutching his pillow is in some way both reminding of a child dreaming nightmares and a grownup longing for... I don't know. Reassurance, maybe. Someone that sleeps beside him. I lean my head against my knees, sighing.

The lock to the door clicks, and the handle is pushed down. Sirius quietly slips down beside me, looking both haggard and angry.

"Good night."

I lift my eyebrows a bit. "Good? You don't look that way, I don't mind telling you."

He grimaces. "Can I join the 'Dumped losers'-club, please?" he wonders with a small smile that signals more than anything that he is hurting.

"What happened?"

"She is moving to Russia again..." his voice is barely audible. "She said she had to. Because of her family. She needed her family, she said. It was important..."

"Oh, god, I can see where this is heading from miles away..." I mumble.

"Do you blame me?" he buries his head in his hands with a tired sigh. "Of course I lost my temper, of course I couldn't understand! She expected me to understand, and I couldn't! She had no right to ask that of me! Her family... I don't know what family is." His voice is bitter, eternally bitter. "I couldn't see what she meant, and I became angry, and she just looked sad and I yelled at her and she ran away, and she threw the engagement-ring at me..."

"The what!"

"The engagement-ring. It was just a silly thing... I though... But never mind that. It is not bloody important anymore."

He looks up, looking so very tired. "I have actually never been dumped before. I never thought it could be so... humiliating. I have a lot of people to apologize to, I think..."

"That would be making it worse for both you and them, Padfoot" I say, leaning my head against his shoulder. "They have probably mended, and there is no use in tearing up old wounds again. As long as you have learnt now..."

He smiles, even if it is very bleakly. "I suppose so. People do mend, don't they?"

I smile back. "Most people do, yes."

"And those who don't?" he wonders, tilting his head and watching me seriously.

"We learn to smile anyway" I answer.

"So you don't think you will ever...?"

"No, Sirius. I really don't."

"I don't either, right now. But I know how I work. And when daylight comes, I will think of it differently. You know me..."

"Yes Sirius. I think I can say I do." And suddenly, our gazes are locked in each other, our thoughts evaporating.

Of course we kiss. It was quite unavoidable. And of course it is absolutely wonderful in every possible way. Only that it is slightly, in some way that I can't understand, in some way that there is not words made for describing...

...wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

We stare at each other for some seconds, and I am quietly panicking. What does he think right now? Does he want this? What am I going to do if he does?

"It could've worked, couldn't it?" he asks a bit wistfully after a few seconds, and I almost cry from relief. "If things had been different, I mean?"

I smile, letting him put his arms around me and leaning my head against his chest. "Yes, Sirius. I think perhaps it could've. Once I thought different, but I know better now."

"But it's too late, isn't it?"

"Yes. It is far too late."

"I really hope it is for the best. What a horrible waste, otherwise."

"I have to hope so, Sirius. You know I love you, don't you?"

"Yes. But not in that way."

"No. Are you happy?"

"Yes. Couldn't be happier, except that I am still just as dumped."

And then we both laugh, we cannot help it. We are friends. And we are more than friends, we are something that nothing - no word in any language, no gesture, no song, no action - can describe, and this doesn't matter. We don't need to explain it. As long as we know what we are, we're fine.

I lie down, bidding him a quiet goodnight, and he stands up. As he passes, he throws a blanket over Remus, winking at me as he tucks his friend in like a child and then gets to his feet once more. With a final, playful wave, he disappears into his room.

And I suppose I really can learn to smile. Anyway and after all.

X

"Welcome back, sunshine!"  
"Don't disturb. I am meditating."

"What are you meditating, doc?"  
"The purpose of life and Gwendolyn Ferrywater ."

""And...?"

I open my eyes, pulling a tired face. "I managed to find a lot of purposes of life, even if they were a bit dubious."

"And Gwen?"  
"Nope. No purpose whatsoever."

Emily rolls her eyes, sitting down. "What has she done now?"

I fling out my arms in exasperation. "She invited Violet over this summer, didn't she? No doubt trying to undo as much as possible of what we have tried t accomplish. Violet is avoiding us. Or maybe it is just me. You should try."

Emily nods. "Whatever you say, cap'n. And what about the Order business?"

"We'll just keep our eyes open, as usual. Try to be of help where we can."

The door to the compartment opens a crack and a dark-blue eye becomes visible. "Aha! We have found ourselves some girls!" Amos swings the door fully open. Behind him stands Hermes, Frank and Alice.

"You know, we already had two" points out Frank, and then dodges as Hermes tries to slap him.

"Anyone knows where Baz is?" Alice wonders with a wide smile, sitting down beside me.

"Moved back to Russia" I answer. "With her family."

"Oh!" she claps her hand over her mouth. "Oh, the poor boy!"

I need not ask who she means. I shrug. "He'll get over it. Its amazing what that bastard can live through."

"And what about your man, Alexita?" Hermes inquires with a coquettish gesture, sitting down beside Emily, and my stomach promptly dissolves into a pit of sulphurous acid. I send a glance to Emily that is equivalent to a panicked bellow for help.

"They... broke up" she says. I had hoped that she would just change the subject, and I suspect she knows it, but she doesn't like beating around the bush like that.

"What!" the exclamation comes from everyone present in the room.

"But..." Frank falters.

"Impossible..." Amos claims.

"He..." says Hermes.

"You..." mumbles Alice.

"He's a Death-Eater!" I scream. Silence immediately falls. "He... he follows Lord Voldemort" I continue bitterly, ignoring how everybody except Hermes flinches. "We... It wouldn't... work." I look down at my hands, seeing how they tremble and praying that they will understand that I _do_ _not want to speak about it._

I have a feeling that they all stare at me for a moment, before they all murmur a quiet "Sorry..." each. Then there is a horribly awkward silence, before Emily finally gets her wits together and asks Amos how his son is. Safe ground. Glowing with pride, my classmate starts to tell us about his amazing son Cederic, who by his - probably greatly exaggerated - accounts is a veritable genius.

And I push every thought of Severus very far away from me, locking them up somewhere deep inside me to make sure they won't interfere with my life. But there is some little treacherous part of me that silently weeps, whispers those three hateful, painful words over and over again...

'_I love you...'_

But no. I will have to continue living. After all, the only option is - on the whole - not very tempting.

So I listen to the idle talk of my classmates, and try to ignore the pensive, wondering looks they send at me when they think I do not notice. Hermes has been offered a role in a play during the winter holidays. Alice and Frank are just as much in love as ever. Well, of course I do envy them. Who wouldn't?

All in all, they all seem happy and optimistic. Just ordinary people...

Hey, did I just think that?

I look from Amos, who has matured immensely since he got Cederic, and now speaks like a grownup at sixteen year's age... To Hermes, with the blood-red hair falling in cascades around his face, a face in which a pair of eyes glitter from such a dazzling intelligence that it makes my head spin... To Alice; round-faced, motherly Alice who nobody at first glance would call pretty, but who shines from such general good-will that everybody that meets her falls a little bit in love with her... To Frank, who DOES things instead of just sitting around and discussing it, who always has a friendly word for everyone... To Emily, who never gives up, who keeps a smile and an unbendingly optimistic attitude even at the worst of times... And I want to kick myself real hard. Too much time spent around Sirius and James, too much self-pride does this! These people are far from being ordinary! They are so very, very special. Sometimes, you are just too lazy or too arrogant to notice, but if you look - and I really mean LOOK - at people around you, then you start to notice that they really are quite extraordinary. Special. You'll just have to open your eyes and unwrap yourself from your own ego a bit, something that I all too often forget to do, it seems...

And I will probably survive here, really. It... won't be the same as with the marauders, but it won't be horrible either. So stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself, Alex, and shake the worries away a bit. You've got time. Loads of time. And every possibility to fill it with whatever you please.

Could anyone ask for more?

X

"Hey there, Allydallydoo! (Ahahahaha! You can't kill me for that! This is going to be so much fun!)

Am I not a good boy? I am actually writing you after just a week. Be impressed! That's an order.

Anyway, Auror school is great. Me and James are getting on splendid. Well, the teachers have already learnt to fear us quite a bit, but hey, we would be disappointed otherwise. And yes, I am getting along fine without... her. I mean, sure, I miss her, but...

Ah, I don't know. I won't get myself any girlfriends in a while, anyway.

At least not any serious ones...

Don't you worry. I am not going to take up my career as heartbreaker again. But who says that I am not entitled to a few good shags anyway?

I have a feeling that I am so going to get it for that comment when we meet again... Oh, well. You can't make everybody happy.

Oh, well... So how is my favourite little cynic doing? I do hope your classmates are being nice to you, or I might just smack their sorry arses around a bit. But they have seemed fine so far. Not near being as charming as yours truly, but who is?

But otherwise, are you sure you are fine? And don't point out to me that I am fussing, because I already know I am. I think we've all sort of grown to be almost like big-brothers to you, Alex, and as such we are naturally worried about how you are when we can't see you about every day. You have to forgive us.

Ah, now James wants to write, and anyway, I have to go with that adorable Swedish exchange-student that I can't remember the name of (Mally? Mali? Argh... I'll get it some day...) to a newly opened restaurant. I don't want any comments on that, thank you. Let's just say I am keeping busy. Alright, I am handing over the quill now.

With a lot of love,

Sirius

Greetings, fair lady!

Has Padfoot managed to tick you off sufficiently now? I suspect he has. But I have a feeling you have learnt to cope with the state of barely-suppressed rage that must be your lot around him by now... Did he mention the fact that he is going to disembowel that poor girl Malin? Lovely girl, by all means, and she seemed sharp enough, but she doesn't know what she is heading for. I TRIED, as a good gentleman, to head her off, tell her the sad truth about the mental health of our mutual friend, but she just laughed at me.

I am contemplating my defeat in silence.

Oh, and... uhm... Me and Lily are getting married. See, I managed to exercise enough self-control not to write a lot of exclamation-marks or to write it the first thing I did in the letter. So...

Oh, to hell with the self-control!

I AM GETTING MARRIED TO THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS! I AM THE HAPPIEST MAN ON EARTH AND I AM SOOOOO GOING TO TORTURE YOU WITH WHAT SIRIUS CALLED MY "SPONTANEOUS OUTBURST OF NAUSEATING, IF MOTIVATED, JOY"!

There. Call me a bastard, but it was worth it. I am so happy that I don't know what to do. I can't keep still for a moment and Lily said that if I call her one more time today she is going to strangle me - in a very loving manner, though - and Remus and Peter are already sick of me, so now I am torturing you. Sorry.

I just don't know where to direct all this happiness. There seems to be so much inside me that I am almost exploding from the pressure. This also means that I am quite probably a complete nuisance to everyone that isn't this happy, so I hope that you are in a good mood, or you just might kill me. I can't help it, really. She said yes. It's still unbelievable. I am going to go stare out the window and look disgustingly in love now, I think.

Hope you are well. I am sorry for being so self-centred at the moment. I will get better.

Big hugs,

James."

X

And that's... pretty much how time passes. It feels strange at first to spend so much time with my classmates, but I get used to it after a while. And I am quite fine with them around.

There was a new girl to fill in Alezandra's place, but she was sorted into Ravenclaw, so... I don't know. I am happy as I am. I get even closer to Emily, and we form some kind of defensive wall between Violet and... well, pretty much the rest of the world. She still associates with Gwendolyn, and the annoying woman keeps tearing down what we try to build up, but we keep trying. There is really nothing more you can do, is there?

And that goes for a lot of things.

And I almost get to feel like a normal girl, with giggle-friends (even if I don't real giggle that much myself) and talk about everything from politics to boys. Then we usually sit together on one our beds in our dormitory, preferably with easy access to far too much candy and a bottle or two of butterbeer.

"Okay" Alice proclaims. "Now the ultimate question is going to be asked. Who in this room has had sex with a boy or a girl?"

This immediately sends Emily into a fit of giggles, and Violet looks shocked at her classmate being so very brazen. I smile, can't really help doing so. Then I stick my hand into the air. "Very, very guilty" I say, trying not to remember the feeling of Severus' skin against mine, his lips whispering loving words against my neck.

Alice also puts up a hand, smiling widely, and after a moment of eternally unsure silence, so does Violet. Emily rolls her eyes.

"Picture me suggesting anything like that. Then picture me closing my eyes for a moment. The next thing I would see when I opened my eyes would be Peter's back, vary far away from me and moving further away still. I have to take it VERY slowly, unless I want to scare him away."

We all laugh, even if Emily throws some pillows on the rest of us for the show of it. "Okay, so how old were you the first time" Alice says, and I am not really angry with her for it, because I know that she didn't really think before she asked.

"Ten" I say as readily as I can. "If you count sex as actual penetration."

They all look terribly uncomfortable, and Alice naturally starts excusing herself. "I'm so sorry Ally, I didn't..."

I throw up both hands. "Promise me that you will never call me Ally again, and I am totally fine with it" I say with a small grin. "I had actually thought I would get rid of that along with the boys. But I can say that the first time I had sex because I wanted to I was fifteen. A much more pleasant experience, I might add."

Alice looks relieved. "Then we are two. About having been fifteen, I mean."

Violet looks trapped. "I... I was..."  
"You don't have to tell" Emily assures her. Violet swallows.

"I was twelve." When we all stare at her in shock, she miserably mumbles: "I wasn't raped, really. It just... wasn't very nice."

"Who was it?" Alice wonders gently. Violet sends a veritably TERRIFIED look in my direction.

"I... don't remember."

My ass she doesn't. I sigh. "I have two questions: How drunk were you? And how drunk was Sirius?"

Violet looks down at her hands, her cheeks colouring. "Very. Both of us. And... I didn't say no, so he did nothing wrong. I just didn't really..."

"Dare to refuse?" I sigh. "I understand. Believe me, I do. I almost fell into that trap myself, when I was eleven. But to have someone male that I didn't really know so close gave me the panics, and I ran away. Thankfully." I keep quiet for a moment, before I lie a gentle hand on her shoulder, careful not to scare her into the protective shell she has built to cut herself off from the world with when she can't handle the situation at hand. "It must've been awful. Even if it by law isn't raping, and I am fairly sure that Sirius never intended to do anything like that, it still must've felt that way."

"I don't know" she mumbles, still averting her gaze. "I just know it... hurt..."

"It does" I agree darkly.

"But it doesn't always, does it? I mean, with all boys? When you... want to?" she wonders meekly, a faint trace of hope in her voice. "It's supposed to be nice. I always thought there was something wrong with me..."

Alice protests wildly, and after a moment of doubt - I don't really go well with contact, unless it comes to someone that I am really close to - I give her a hesitant hug. "There isn't anything wrong with you. It hurts if you don't want to, it's a pure physical thing."

"But... it doesn't destroy anything if you found someone that you... want it with, does it?" Now she meets my gaze, begging me to say something that can comfort and help.

I smile. "No. I can say this out of personal experience: It doesn't destroy anything, unless you think it will. These things are mostly in your own head. You have every chance of having a really good time, just as any other girl. I promise."

She looks relieved, if still a bit unsure. At least she trusts me. But there is still something burdening her...

"Anna..." she hesitates. "Anna always said that it was wonderful if the guy liked you. That as what made it good, she said."

I snort, and she recoils. Eep. Wrong tactic. I draw a deep breath. "If I am any judge of character at all" I tell her as gently as I can "I would say that Anna also had been in a situation like that. When she hasn't been able to say stop. And like you, she probably blamed it on herself when it... hurt. But Anna is not the kind of person to admit a thing like that to anyone. So she probably said that to sound like she never did anything wrong, to convince herself of that she couldn't have done anything different. You understand?"

Violet nods a bit hesitantly. "Anna always said that she told me everything..."

"Just as you said that you told her everything. But did you?"

She looks miserable, and shakes her head.

"Then what makes you so sure that she did?"  
"I... I just..." she falls silent, suddenly looking as if the ground had been pulled away from under her feet. Bereft, she throws at me the only defence she has available, in reality a message from Anna, even though she has been gone for so long: "You always hated Anna. You were jealous."

I sigh. "Violet, I had absolutely no reason to be jealous of Anna. I admit that she was a very pretty and social girl, but I never wanted to be like her. I didn't have to. But I was best friend with her biggest crush of all. Don't you think that maybe she was a bit jealous of me?"

And the words come streaming... "She always talked about how perfect he was and that she was going to get him as a boyfriend and that you only hung around him because you thought that he was actually interested in you and then she laughed and that night he was suddenly kissing me and I couldn't say no because Anna said that that's what any girl should want to and when it hurt so much I couldn't tell her about it because that meant that he didn't like me and she would get angry at me..."

"I don't pretend to understand how it is" I say after a moment of silence "but I understand what you mean. She would get jealous of YOU, wouldn't she? And she would probably not be very nice, people rarely are when they are jealous. She would tell you it was your fault it went so bad, and you didn't want to hear it." She nods, looking horribly ashamed of herself, and I smile. "I am not trying to turn you towards her, I really had no issues with her except for the fact that she was stalking one of my best friends. I didn't care if she didn't like me. And as for me hanging with Sirius because I wanted him as my boyfriend..." I draw a deep breath (before the plunge) "Well, I think you can say that me getting together with Severus proved her wrong."

She gives me a watery smile. "I... I suppose... But she would say that you had given up and was going for scraps instead of perfection."

"Scraps instead of perfection? Ha! Sirius is far from being perfect. He is silly and vain, he is just as self-absolved as any other teenage boy, he is highly childish sometimes, and he never lets go of an old grudge." I grin widely. "But he is also one of my best friends. I never wanted to become his girlfriend, Violet. I am perfectly content with matters as they are now. There are several kinds of ways that you can love a person, you know."

"I believe you" she says quietly. "I just... I didn't want to think that Anna lied to me..."

I take pity of her. "I don't think Anna ever really lied to you" I lie. Ironic, eh? "Truth to be told, I think that the only person she was lying to was herself. That's nothing bad, and it doesn't mean she was stupid. It just means she wanted to believe some things about herself very badly."

This, of course, is rubbish. I bloody well think that she blatantly lied Violet straight to her face several times. But why would anything get better if I told Violet this? I would only lose her trust and destroy things for her. And it undoubtedly feels better to lie for the sake of protecting someone else, rather than myself. I suppose that is something you have to learn to do.

For your friends.


	27. Earth keeps spinning

Author's note: I've brushed up the first chapter a bit and added the prologue (finally!) so if you feel like it, you can always throw an eye or two in that direction…

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Earth keeps spinning (But why do I never learn?)

"Pads!" I throw myself into his arms, and he laughs and lifts me up, spinning me around until I have to shout for him to stop before I throw up all over him. After so much time without him, being hugged like this feels quite odd. And was he always this tall? And strong? And how did I manage to miss that he somehow has grown from a boy into a man during the time we have known each other? Have I really been so wrapped up in myself that I failed to notice?

My train of thought is brought off-track by James emerging from the crowd, mimicking Sirius by lifting me up and spinning rapidly until we almost crash into a stand of papers outside a shop.

"Hello there, Alex" he says with a grin, and I once more give myself a mental kick. My boys have grown up, and I didn't even notice.

Oh, hell, I am acting just like their mother. But why not? They are my everything, and I've always taken care of them, in a way, just as they have taken care of me. I suddenly get a lump in my throat, seeing them looking so mature, and remembering the thirteen-year-old boys that I once met at King's Cross.

Damn…

"Hi James" I manage quite thickly, smiling up at him. "How does it feel to soon be a married man?"

"Brilliant" he exclaims enthusiastically, and I catch a glimpse of the boy he once was somewhere in his face.

"Why are you asking him?" Sirius asks in a tone of feigned suffering. "I am the one losing my best friend!"

"Stop your whining, Sirius Black. It doesn't suit you." Another voice breaks into the conversation, and I turn around to smile at Lily, standing some distance away with her arms crossed, trying – and failing dismally – to look stern.

"You just don't understand me" Sirius says with a smirk, and she laughs.

"You utter, utter prat" she tells him sweetly, before James pulls her up in a hug and a chaste kiss. "Hello there, love" she says in a definitely different tone of voice, and James answers by burying his face in his hair.

"You are revolting" Peter tells them cheerfully, emerging from the crowd.

"Really? And I suppose you don't want to kiss me then." murmurs Emily, standing up from where she has been sitting on the floor. Peter blushes, but after she has pressed a small kiss on his lips, he smiles a bit meanly.

"It's revolting when THEY do it" he explains, giving her a hug.

James merely snorts at him, and Lily lets out another laugh. I give Peter a hug, and grin over his shoulder at Emily, nodding in approval.

"I suppose everybody is waiting for me?"

I turn around, and get myself a mild shock. Remus really looks… what's the word? Peaky? Pale, with a drawn face and faint circles under his eyes. And his clothes seems to have grown much larger, and much, much more threadbare. Sweet god, he is almost as skinny as I am! That is so not healthy…

I am at least not the only one to notice. "God, Moony, you look awful!"

Remus smiles wryly. "Why, thank you, Sirius. Nice to see you too."

"Seriously – and no pun intended, thank you very much! - you really look horrible! Haven't you eaten at all, say, this last month or so?"

Remus snorts. "Unlike some people I could mention, I have no inherited money to live of while I study, so I have to get some kind of work, and…" he falls silent, biting his lip. But now I get it…

"And you get really lousy pay because of your… condition, right?"

He shrugs. "It's hard to find work to someone that disappears once a month… and people are scared…"

"Dickheads" James mutters amiably, giving Remus a long, scrutinising gaze.

"But why didn't you TELL!" Sirius explodes. "I mean, I will hardly be able to spend all the money I've got in a life time, even if I TRY!"

"You could've lived with one of us" Peter adds. "I mean, you aren't really that expensive to keep going."

Remus lifts his chin, his eyes glowing, and suddenly seems to become several centimetres taller. "I decided the first thing when I started hogwarts that I was going to make it on my own in this world, no matter what they threw at me. To show them that I could. I am not going to… give up!" he spits the last two words out.

Sirius gently bashes his head against a wall. "There is nothing wrong with accepting a bit of help, Moony. You are working against ten times as much shit as the rest of us. It is only fair that you should be able to have a little help."

James nods. "I mean, I would ask for help if I had troubles. Why shouldn't you?"

"You are acting like me, Remus" I point out, smiling at him. "And that's just stupid! I mean, the smartest thing I ever did was to accept help from you, unpleasant as the truth is."

Remus throws out his arms. "Fine, fine, I get what you mean. Can we go now?"

Sirius opens his mouth, probably to point out that he is not being very convincing, but I kick him in the shins and mouth "Not now!". This will have to take some time.

Sirius nods, and sighs, and Peter swiftly starts to talk about something else. Remus seems relieved. But this isn't over.

He'll see.

XxXxX

"Nervous?"

Lily sends me a the Glare o' Death. "Whatever gave you that idea?" she asks with a heavy sarcastic note to her voice that is really quite unlike her. I smile, leaning back to watch her fidget around the room.

"Just a hunch, really."

"Very funny, Alexita."

"I know. Don't you just love me?"

She answers with a frosty silence, hurrying over to a mirror. "Is my hair really okay?" she ask for about the millionth time.

I sigh. "Lily Evans, you look absolutely splendid. You would look absolutely splendid whatever you were wearing and whatever possible state your hair was in, because you're beautiful. Your hair" I finish, while with yet a sigh pulling on a tuft of my own blond haystack "is perfect."

"I am being a nightmare, am I not?" she asks with a resigned smile.

"You are acting just as anyone would." I grin at her. "Does it make you feel better if I tell you that James is even more nervous?"

She thinks about it for a minute, before smiling brightly. "You know, it does."

"I almost thought so. And I have to say that I am a LOT more understanding than Sirius is. He spends most of the time laughing at poor James."

"THAT made me feel a LOT better."

"You're an evil woman, Lily" I tell her admiringly.

"I know." She laughs, leaning against a wall. "Good god, do I sound horribly klichéed if I say that this is the happiest day of my life?"

"Yes. But you're excused. You're in love."

The next moment, the room is swarmed with squealing and laughing young women in long dresses. The rest of the bridesmaids have arrived. Lily is bombarded with a hundred questions, whereof half of them seems to be "Oh, god, aren't you nervous?". You have to admire her. Me, I would've screamed, or hit them, or hexed them, or something. She just laughs and throws up her hands.

I should do something about my temper, really.

Petunia stands by the door, pale arms crossed over her chest and with an expression of mild distaste over her face. I feel sorry for her, I actually do, even though I also think she is being a git. Just because you're acting stupid doesn't mean that you aren't hurting.

"You know, getting out and getting ready would really be a good idea at the moment" Remus points out, sticking a head in through the crack in the door. At this male intrusion, most of the girls do stay cool, but some of them follow the unwritten rules of How To Keep Women Looked At As A Species Inferior To Men, and scream.

"Don't worry" I point out dryly. "He's not really a man at all. Not in heart and soul."

"Alex" says Remus in a mildly reproachful tone. "I thought you said you were going to keep my little secret."

Well, he knows how to play along at any rate. I hit him, he hits me back, Lily laughs at us, and the rest of the girls look at us like we are mad.

How utterly unsurprising.

Well, at least we finally manage to gather ourselves up and get moving. I throw myself a quick glance in the mirror, and notice with satisfaction that I don't really look ALL that much like a scarecrow, before Lily grabs my arm and hisses in my ear that I shall hurry up or she'll never forgive me.

Yes, the ceremony is beautiful. Maybe I don't really listen to all that the priest says, and maybe I am not crying my eyes out. But I see the hastily wiped away tears of joy in James' eyes, and I see Lily's radiant smile as he puts the ring on her finger, and I see Sirius grin almost proudly as they kiss. And these things together is one the most beautiful things I've seen.

"Look over here!" We do so, and we are temporarily blinded by a flash. As we regain our vision, we find Peter grinning at us from behind a camera, waving. "That's a very good picture, folks. Thank you." Sirius curses smilingly at him, earning a good-natured "Hrumphf" from the priest and a stern shake on the head.

The rest of the evening is spent on celebrating, and Sirius earns many laughs by, instead of holding a speech to James and Lily, reading up every possible rejection the bride has ever thrown on her groom during their years at school together.

And as James an Lily leave the room, hand in hand and both blushing bashfully, then it feels like something falls into place inside me. I don't know what it is, I don't even know if I am imagining it. The only thing I know is a feeling of rightness that goes right to my bones and my blood and my spine.

Something is finally truly whole now.

XxXxX

And then… time passes. Days, weeks, months. I learn to live with what I am and what I've got, and I learn to forget, bury inside myself, all that pain that shaped the person that is me, all those things I miss. Earth ticks on in the tracks it has been wearing down for millions and millions of years before there ever was a pale little girl named Alexita hiding in the corners of her schoolyard and wishing herself far away. Long before there ever was a young slip of a girl standing forlornly on King's Cross station, wanting very much to escape, but not knowing where. Long before the teenager she later become ran over the grass of early summer, towards the five people that had come to mean the most to her, through the hungry mob that the stronger hitting the weaker always would attract among humans. Long before she made a choice, killed her first young love with magic and a determination to do what she hoped was the right thing. Long before she got her first kiss, sealing a final deal of love and respect with another soul.

Long before that deal was broken…

Long before that, earth had been a solid reality, spinning through space like an ancient and never-failing mechanism, and so it continued to do, even though this pale girl right then thought that the world was coming to its end around her. Seconds continued to pass endlessly through the lives of everything living – each a precious gift, though sadly enough much unappreciated by many. And this girl – older than the one hiding from her bullies, and perhaps a little bit wiser, but definitely happier – learned to cope. Learned to survive, even though someone had punched a hole through her heart and called it love. (It might have been me. I am really not sure what to believe anymore.)

Tick, tick…

A year passes easily if you are busy trying to bury all those seconds in life itself. Yes, since those seconds ARE life itself, it is perhaps in vain I have fought. But I didn't have to cope with those small, painful amounts of time if I keep busy and think about other things. I just call it hours, days, weeks. Large amounts of time passing. I pretend that seconds and minutes don't apply to me. It's easier that way.

Lily becomes pregnant. James becomes delirious with happiness. The rest of the marauders laugh and shake their heads. Simple. And yet it fits perfectly into my life and heart and soul. It was a part of it before it even happened.

I become some sort of errand's girl for the Order. I run with messages from one member to another, I spy on the students to see who has joined. Of course, I already knew about Regulus, but I just don't know. I did tell Dumbledore about it, of course, but I asked him not to do anything just yet. I have no idea why, not really. But the headmaster agreed that should be protected at the moment, when he's here at Hogwarts. And, said Dumbledore, he's hardly more than a child, after all.

As I pointed out that he allowed me to know about the Order when I was in his age, he just gave me a pointed look from those twinkling blue eyes and asked with his patented mixture of quiet humour and grave seriousness if I had ever really been a child since I was ten. I realised he had a point, and kept quiet.

Anyway, it is now months since we had that particular conversation, and I am heading from my class in Advanced Transfiguration, when professor McGonagall taps me gently on the shoulder, handing me a roll of parchment, sealed with red wax stamped with The Phoenix. "Will you hand this to Albus?" she asks in hushed tones, as the classroom is emptied of people. "You can go later if you want to" she adds after a short silence, something I have to admit is rather odd. However, I just nod, pocketing the scroll.

"Sure, professor" I say in – hopefully – the perfect imitation of the everyday student getting told to run an everyday errand. She smiles curtly at me, and I leave.

I have nothing against running up the Headmaster's office directly with the letter. I mean, I have an hour's lunch now before having to get down to the dungeons for Advanced Potions. Loads of time. I tell Hermes and Emily that I have to go to the bathroom, and slip away. However, when I whisper the password and step onto the moving staircase, something inside me moves. As if warning me.

And as always nowadays when something is worrying me, I step right into it. I think I might've picked up some of Sirius' and James' recklessness finally.

So after barely knocking, I fling the door open almost aggressively.

And stop dead, as my whole – almost normal – world goes crashing down around my ears.

XxXxX

"Ah, Miss Neidorsdaughter. Come in."

Numbly, I close the door behind myself. I cannot feel my feet as I walk up to Dumbledore's desk and drop the message on it, but I do not even look at the headmaster.

"Will you please sit down?"

I do not, but I do fall backwards into a chair. I feel a stinging pain in my lower lip, and realise that I've just bitten right through it. A small trickle of blood finds its way down my chin, and I slowly lift a hand to dry it away.

"Do sit down you too, Mr. Snape."

Severus only shakes his head curtly, his chin lifted in defiance and his eyes glued on a spot straight ahead. But when I entered the room, he did meet my gaze for half a second, before turning away. And it is still the look in those black eyes – how many nightmares that has been hunted by them I do not know – that is etched in my mind, as I stare fixedly at him without being able to produce even one coherent thought.

"Oh, but I do insist" now there is steel in the headmaster's voice, and his there is something in his gaze that clearly enough communicates that he refuses to be contradicted. But Severus stares right back at him, and I realise that he has changed. He is standing much straighter, no more of that cramped, crouched posture. And the way he faces down Dumbledore without flinching for a good ten seconds speaks for itself. However, he has at least not lost his good sense, and finally he sneers sarcastically and sits down rigidly. But still with just as much poise.

God, I hate him for it. It is not bloody fair that he should be able to go through this and stay so bloody calm, whilst I have already managed to pierce myself single-handily, and have to fight with all the self-control I have to keep from bursting into tears.

"You were saying, Mr. Snape?"

Without changing his slightly disdainful expression, Severus pulls away the sleeve from his right arm, revealing the Dark Mark. "You already know that I am a death-eater. I am giving myself over willingly. You could throw me into Azkaban. But then you would miss the opportunity of gaining a useful spy."

Did he just say that!

"A spy, Mr. Snape? That would require a very high amount of trust. You have to forgive me if I ask you why we should put that trust in you?"

Severus smiles mirthlessly. "I can only give you my word for it."

Dumbledore gives him a long, scrutinising gaze. "Why, Mr. Snape? Why do you give yourself over?"

Suddenly, something changes in his perfect façade. It's not really a crack, but it definitely a ripple.

"I was… out on a mission. And I was told that if I came across… some people, I was supposed to kill them. I had the perfect chance. But I… couldn't."

"Why?" the headmaster once more inquires, steepling his fingers. Severus draws a deep, shuddering breath, visibly trembling, and now he is so clearly avoiding to look at me that it is right out painful.

"Because I couldn't kill the woman I love."

I cannot help it. I lose whatever control I have over myself, and tears start spilling down my cheeks. I try to muffle a sob with my hand, but quite in vain.

"I was lucky, and I wasn't discovered. But I started… thinking. I knew that there were going to be other situations when I wouldn't be alone, when I would not be able to get away unnoticed. And… I realised that… that I had been wrong."

Dumbledore sighs, leaning back tiredly. "Voldemort has destroyed a great deal of beautiful things" he says, and he sounds older than usually. "Sometimes, there is nothing we can do about it, and we mourn those losses. But sometimes, the answer is all in our own heads. Sometimes, it is all about if you are going to let things get destroyed. And it is much more painful when we sometime let things happen, without meaning it." He stands up, picking up the letter from the table. He does not look at us, as he opens the door to his own living-quarters. "I am going to leave you now. Remember that heroes are born under the most unexpected circumstances."

And with a twinkle of blue eyes, he is gone.

XxXxX

He walks over to the window, stands there like a pillar of darkness defying the light. He looks so frail as the sun illuminates his pale face, looks so vulnerable. Like was he made of glass, ready to break at the merest sound.

Yet he speaks, and the impression of frailness is accompanied by one of great strength, of hidden steel that glints under his sallow skin and in his silky voice.

"You were having a picnic" he says, and for a short second I wonder what on earth he is on about. "As the greatest war of our time was raging around you, you were having a picnic by the beach. It's so typical of you Gryffindors. Always trying to pretend the darkness isn't there, or perhaps that you are safe just because you happened to find a box of matches. I had been sent on a mission by the Dark Lord, and from Regulus" his mouth twists into a mirthless smirk "who had been spying on his brother, he had found out that all of you might be present at the location at the time. He knows about you, Alex. Oh, he does. He knows that you saved an eight-year-old child at the age of thirteen, carried him about a hundred meters with one leviosa-spell. He knows that it was you that found out about Lupin's mother, he has contacts among the aurors, you see. Ergo, he knows about you having talents as a Legilimens. And don't ask me how, but he knows that you are very powerful when it comes to curses and spells directed at the mind, it sounds like he has kept track on you in classes. Probably there is some teacher here working for him. But he also knew about that you refusing to join him, since I was in such a bad state when I got there after meeting you that he easily picked it right out of my mind. I lost control. I don't think I have ever regretted something more than that. Not even this." His hand strays to his right arm for the shortest of seconds, before he lets it fall again.

"He feels threatened by you, Alex. You are very strong, even if you don't come near his power. Just like me. But you… you are a danger that he wants out of the way. So naturally, he told me to keep an eye out for all of you. I was to kill you, as many as I could. But especially you." He grimaces bitterly, and I think it is supposed to be a smile. "He looked like he was rewarding me. I had given him the impression that I hated you, it was my only option. He cannot ever be allowed to know…" His voice does not break, it just falters gently, swaying into silence.

"So there you were. So typical. Having your little picnic. Lupin was reading, as always. I noticed that Evans and Potter are married now" his voice is mildly disgusted, but there is also something else in there, something that sounds almost like regret, but that can't be it. "And Weasly had the really bad taste to be snogging Pettigrew. And Black was chatting with another stupid girl. How revolting, I thought. It felt strange, though. I hadn't seen them since I quitted school. And now they couldn't hurt me anymore. I was the one in control." He clenches his fists, and his eyes are staring at something that nobody except him can see.

"And there was this girl. The same short, skinny, pale girl that had shouted her defiance straight to my face the last time we met. She was talking to Black and that girl, and she was laughing. And she looked so… innocent. Like a baby bird that has fallen out of its nest, frail between your fingers, its little heart ticking its life away. And it was as if no time had passed since she had been that silly, stupid girl that had gone exploring Knockturn Alley just because _she wanted to know_, standing before me and declaring that she did whatever pleased her, and sod the rest of the world if it had a problem with that. That broken little girl that immediately knew what was wrong with my mother, but who didn't judge her because of it. Because she has lived though the same hell on earth herself. The girl that treated my wreck of a mother with respect, and thus earned mine, however selfish and stubborn as she may have been. She – the girl on the grass before me – was the same Alexita I had come to know. She was the same silly girl who would always be in the way and always say what she felt and always know exactly what I was thinking. She was the one that over and over again was selfish and hurt me in every possible way, but the one I could not hate simply because she KNEW what she had done wrong. She was the one that could love both me and my enemies at the same time, and who would tear herself apart in her vain battle to balance it all up. She was the girl that I fell in love with, simply because she was this pig-headed girl who would never leave me alone, who would make me cry only to in the next second be there to dry my tears away, soothing and tender. She was the girl that picked up a mirror and handed it to me to show me the man she loved when she could not find words for it herself. She was the one fighting for our love like a vixen over her young, _against her own friends._ Who came padding through the darkness to her idiot of a boyfriend when he had almost managed to get himself killed, and dragged one of her friends with him in the process. She was Alexita, the girl who dared to face her own mother, even though there was only one thing she feared more in this whole world. The girl that kept quiet over the fact that I was Marked even though it broke her heart. She was Alexita. And I was going to kill her."

He only whispers the last words, and his face is so full of calm, raw self-contempt that it makes me sick, but I do not quite understand why.

"I couldn't. I thought of the girl that had made love to me even though she had been raped as a child, and don't you dare lie to me Alex, I know you were scared to death the whole time, even though you pretended to be fine..." He sends me a darkly amused glare. "I thought about this girl, I thought about you, and I couldn't do it."

He sighs, shrugging slightly. "Of course, there was also the very tempting alternative of killing everybody else. Black and Potter I hate, the werewolf I do not give much for, Pettigrew is just pathetic, the girl – whoever she was – was stupid enough to be shagging Black. I might let Evans and Weasly go. Might. Believe me, I was sorely tempted. There was nothing that could stop me, but one thing."

"And that was…?" I wonder faintly, struggling to get to grips with the situation. He smiles sarcastically at my pitiful attempt, clearly sees it for what it is.

"I didn't want to lose you. And you could not handle one more loss, Alex. If I killed them, I would take myself irreversibly away from you in a much more definite manner than just leaving you. And if you lost them, you would break. You could not possibly live through that, my shattered little baby bird. If you lost Black, most particularly, you would lose yourself. And the pain-in-the-arse that I remembered from our years together, the girl that would give up again and again, true, but would stand up and start fighting again, would be gone. You would no longer be Alexita. You would be something I had to despise. And I would rather die before I killed you so utterly, that not even our love could linger as a painful memory. And besides" he smiled, a bit too carelessly for it to be convincing "It would be odd if only the person I was specifically ordered to kill would be the only one to survive."

I try to dry away my tears, still falling without anything to stop them, but there seems to be an endless supply of them. And I know what they are. They are all those tears that I have refused to cry during all those nights when I haven't been able to sleep, and the moon shines brightly though surrounded by the dark, cold, empty cosmos, a mockery of the void bleeding nothingness into my soul. "But…" I finally manage. "You… you giving yourself over… you will still be a spy, you will still be _there_… What if you will get into the same situation again? And you are not alone?"

He meets my gaze steadily. "Then at least my last thought will be that I died for a cause, not some weakness of my own."

Stupid, hopeless Severus, always turning away from his own feelings like were they some kind of horrible disease…

And I finally give in to the impulse that is now beating on every nerve of mine like some kind of extra pulse. In a matter of seconds, I have crossed the floor and thrown myself into his arms.

_And into his quick pulse, drumming loudly enough to make my head spin, as I lean against his ribcage._

_And into his breath, touching my neck like the caress of something I though I had lost._

_And into the memories that flood my mind as I breathe in_

_his scent_

_and the way that the air is much warmer around his body._

_And into all the tears that I can finally let fall without being ashamed of myself._

_And into the love that I kept under lock and key somewhere deep beneath all the layers of carelessness and acceptance that I _had_ to keep up if I wasn't to finally run mad from the loss of him._

_And into the way everything is supposed to be._

And as I cry myself out against the rough textile of his robe, one of his arms tentatively sneak its way up my back, circling me in a protective manner. And just a few seconds later, I can feel the fingers of his other hand starting to trace their way through my hair, carefully sorting out the tangles.

"Why do you forgive me so easily?" he whispers, and his voice is now trembling, very, very slightly.

"There are some things that are more important than pride" I mumble wretchedly, my words muffled by the textile of his robe getting into my mouth.

"Romantic" he whispers, so softly and gently that it is almost unbearable.

"Hateful bastard of a cynic" I sob back at him. "You true and incurable prat."

I can hear the sarcastic smirk in his voice, even if I do not see it. "I have always been, Alexita."

I nod, looking up at him through the blur of tears. "I think that is why I love you" I tell him, trying to smile, even if it ends in a quite hopeless grimace.

I feel his lips brush slightly over my, and shiver.

"I wish I could say that I didn't love you too" he mumbles gently, before finally kissing me properly.


	28. You win, you lose

Yeah, yeah, don't hate me for the somewhat makeshift Latin in the spells and curses. I don't know that much of that noble language, I am only stealing the words from old quotes. "Delictus", for example, is from the quote "In flagrante delicto" which means "Caught in the act". And "Mendacem" is hopefully supposed mean "Liar". Oh, yeah, and "Dolores" DOES mean "Painful" or "In pain".

MWMWM

Chapter 28

You win, you lose (Doors that open and windows that close)

"Hi. Sorry I'm late."

Emily looks up, and drops her fork. "Alex? You're SMILING!"

Oh, thanks for that! I do smile. All the time, as a matter of fact. "What's such big news about that?" I ask, a bit miffed, and sit down.

"Well… Oh, and don't get me wrong, but you hardly ever smile – and I mean really smile – at all since…" she falls silent, looking embarrassed.

"Since your boyfriend dumped you."

"Hermes!"

"What?" he asks checking his nails and looking as unconcerned as can be. "It happens to us all. You'll just have to live with it."

That boy is a complete riddle. It's impossible to know what he is going to say or do next, and I have a feeling that he positively delights in being as unpredictable as possible.

I shrug. "It's alright. I'm fine with it."

But now, Hermes looks up faster than a snake striking. "Gotcha!" he exclaims happily, actually clapping his hands.

"Huh?"

"Oh, Alex, you are an intelligent girl most of the time, but admit yourself defeated. Now, who is he?"

And now I do get it. It was a trap. He wanted to see how I reacted on his statement, and from that decide if my sudden joy had any romantic reasons. And I fell right into it, bloody stupid from happiness as I am. As soon as I confirmed that I wasn't going to break down over hearing about Severus, he knew that something had happened… Shit…

"I cannot talk to you about it here." I send them a pleading glance. Hermes resolutely grabs Emily in one hand and Violet in the other, and almost lifts them of their seats.

"Fair enough. Then we go somewhere else. And talk. Because now I want to know."

Violet makes a small noise of protest, mutters something about that that they shall wait until I want to tell, but Hermes just laughs. "Yeah, right. Like we will ever get an opportunity like this one! Alex usually wouldn't have fallen into that obvious trap, but now her brain seems to be muddled by what I suspect was a really good snog, and now is the perfect time to interrogate her about the object of that snog." He grabs some bread from a stand and levitates some meatballs, a piece of cucumber and a plate before him. "Here. You'll eat this while you tell us. Let's go."

And what can I do? I follow him, wondering how on earth I managed to get friends like these. I mean, what have I done wrong? Is it the godly punishment for something I've done, or just something in my character that attracts people like this?

We end up in one of the numerous unused rooms in the dungeons, which seems to have been previously used as a torture-chamber. "Now, this should be a really suitable place, don't you think?" he asks cheerfully, throwing a quick glance at the chains still hanging from the moist, dripping stone walls.

Emily is grinning, and she has her arms crossed over her chest. Violet is – in addition to her constant indecisive and meek expression – wearing one of slight disgust as she with a shiver pulls her cloak tighter around her body. Hermes arranges the food on the plate and hands it to me, crossing his thin, tanned arms over his chest.

"Well?"

"Before I say anything, all three of you are going to agree on one thing."

"And what is that?" Violet asks nervously.

"I want you to agree to that I now will cast a _delictus_-curse, and I want it to be under my conditions."

"But they're illegal" Emily points out levelly.

I glance in her direction. "A charm that causes the person you cast it upon to experience excruciating pain if a special statement by that person is proved to be a lie? I do think you are right, it IS illegal, is it not?" I drawl sarcastically.

Emily snorts in disgust. "I don't know why you weren't placed in Slytherin, and I don't think I ever will."

"I can tell you. I refused. I asked the hat to put me someplace else, and I wanted to be with my friends. But will you agree?"

"Fine for me. If you tell me who in all the world taught you to do that spell."

"Severus Snape taught how to perform a _delictus_-curse. Hermes? Violet?"

"What is it we are going not to lie about?" Violet asks after a short moment of silence.

"You are going to say: 'I will never tell soul, living or dead, that is not present at the moment, about what Alexita Neidorsdaughter is about to tell us in this room, this day, unless she allows me to'. Because of that, I will not say a word further to you until we are all out of this room. Do you understand? Good. So, do you agree?"

Hermes only smiles and shrugs. Violet bites her lip, staring at her feet. I am quite convinced she is going to decline, but she surprises me by finally nodding quickly. Without saying anything further, I raise my wand.

"_Mendacem delictus_" I whisper, drawing a complicated pattern in the air with the tip of my wand. It starts glowing with an eerie yellow light. I touch each of their foreheads with it, and they all whisper their Truth.

"_Finite incantem_" I then mumble, and the light goes out with the sound of someone letting out a deep breath. For a short second, my friends' foreheads glow in the same manner as my wand did, before the light fades away.

I close my eyes, before I start to speak. "Severus Snape has given himself up as a Death Eater to an organisation working against Voldemort, called the Order of the Phoenix. But he will not leave the Death Eaters, he will remain among them as a spy." I open my eyes, nod at them and gesture for them to follow me. I hear their steps behind me as I leave the room, entering another small chamber.

"There you go" I tell them, keeping my voice flat and empty. "Severus returned. Because of the circumstances that convinced him to leave them, I forgave him. He is, as Hermes so delicately put it 'the object of the snog'."

"Circumstances?" Emily asks quietly, her eyes wide from lingering shock.

I sigh. "He was basically ordered to kill me. He was on his own on the mission, and therefore managed to find his way out of it. But it got him to… sort out his priorities a bit, you might say."

Hermes laughs. "Look at that. The least romantic person I've ever come across did the most romantic thing anybody could ever think of. Isn't it ironic?"

I have to smile. "And he keeps calling me a romantic."

Violet is also smiling, shyly, but with actual warmth. "It's like in an old romantic drama, or a love-story of some kind" she says. "Like something Austen or the Brontë sisters could've written."

I shake my head at her, grinning. "Me and Severus, the heroine and hero of a great epic love-story?"  
"Well, aren't you?" Emily wonders slyly. "Aren't you Juliet, who has just gotten her Romeo back?"

I silently contemplate if I am going to kill Severus for EVER coming up with the "Romeo and Juliet"-ploy.

"So, what are you going to tell your friends?" Hermes wonders.

"I just told you, did I not?" I mutter, looking away.

"Oh, stop pretending to be stupid, Alex. What are you going to tell Sirius and the rest of the gang?"

"Nothing. Not a single thing. The less that knows of that Severus has gone over to our side, the better. And they would never understand. They just wouldn't. I don't want to have this fight at the moment. When the war is over, then I will tell them, then I will take care of that. But not before."

"We don't know when that is, Alex. Sooner or later, we do not know."

"No. But I'll be damned if I am not to make sure that it'll be sooner rather than later."

"I am of age. Will I be able to join?" Emily looks at me steadily.

"Join?"

"The Order."

"Yes. Yes, you will be able to join. Of course you will. I and the boys have been an unofficial a part of it since Tara Lupin died."

"Good." Her eyes are glinting like steel behind their clear-blue surface.

"Why, Emily? I just want to know."

She looks away, her face set. "Because if the man I love will be in the middle of it, then _I_'ll be damned if I won't be there by his side."

I nod. "That is a very good reason."

XxXxX

And there is a change in Emily. She had already decided to get a Healer's education. But now there is a much clearer goal in everything she does. She knows WHY she is doing it more definitely than ever before.

So we both go through our NEWTs like were we driven by some invisible force, and we help Violet as much as we can. She has improved enormously since the day I told her, Emily and Hermes the truth about Severus. Maybe it made her feel more important. I hope it did. She deserves it after having been that blank spot in the corner of your eye for so long.

I have to say I admire Alice Norton, though. It became very obvious after a while that it wasn't only Lily that was expecting. But she and Frank took it with ease, only shrugging and laughing and saying that well, there are worse things than being really young parents, and as long as Alice will not go into labour while they are still at school, it won't really be such a problem.

AND they are both planning to continue with auror-school.

As I've finished the last of the exams and leave the castle to get myself some fresh air, the boys are waiting for me. They are standing together and grinning widely as I hurry towards them.

"Well, Alex?" James asks, hoisting me into the air. "How many O's are we going to put you up for, hmm?"

"Hopefully all" I answer, squirming until he lets me down with a laugh. In the next second, Sirius – damn him – has lifted me up from behind.

"And what are you planning to do, Ally-me-dove?" he laughs, spinning me around like was I only a child.

"Kill you, if you don't put me down" I shout, closing my eyes so that I won't have to see the world swirling past. I feel another pair of arms, and somebody lifts me away from Sirius' grasp and places me firmly at the ground.

"There you go" Remus tells me, a slight amused tone to his voice. I open my eyes and glare a bit unsteadily at him.

"And AFTER I have brutally murdered Padfoot – preferably with a blunt object – I will go to auror-school just like the two of you." I nod at James and Sirius, who winks and dances out of the way of a hex sent from me.

"We are not surprised" Peter tells me, giving me a quick hug and a smile. I really should appreciate short boys more than I do.

"So where's Lily?" I ask James, and he grimaces.

"She… uhm… threw me out yesterday. One of her mood-swings again. She wanted to spend some time alone with her friends, so I had to go. I'm sleeping over at Sirius' place. Speaking of which, where are you going to go after school?"

I shrug, as we all start to drift towards the tree by the lake where we have spent so many wonderful afternoons before.

"Well, your parents said I could sleep over there – I mean, legally, they are MY parents as well – and then the school provides living-quarters when I am studying there, and for the holidays I'll just rent some small place, somewhere."

They all nod, and Sirius laughs softly. "At the moment, I have to tell you, my place is getting a bit crowded, so I'm actually quite relieved that you are staying with the Potter's."

"Indeed?" I ask, as we all sit down at the base of the tree.

"I am staying there too" Remus tells me, and he keeps his eyes averted from us.

"The bastards he was working for fired him" Sirius growls. "They blamed him for stealing. _Stealing_! Like his… condition actually made people dishonest!"

"It was just an excuse" Remus mumbles wretchedly. "They didn't want me there, so they made it up. I couldn't pay the rent without an income, so…"

"Homo homine lupus" I mumble.

"What?" James asks, raising his eyebrows.

Remus laughs dryly. "'Man towards man is a wolf'. It's Latin."

"And damn right it is" Sirius says, putting a hand on Remus' shoulder. "Good god, do you know how much I wish that I could punch their faces in?"

"I can guess. Which is exactly why I didn't tell you where I work. I didn't want you to end up in Azkaban, Pads." He smirks. "We need every cell there for the Death Eaters. We can't have you taking up place there."

Sirius makes an ugly face at him. "I am touched by your concern, Moony."

"You have cause to" Remus answers loftily, and then quickly dodges a slap.

"I actually thought you were going to grow up" I mutter despairingly, rolling my eyes. Peter laughs and gives me a light shove.

"We're men, Alex. This is as grownup as we get. Now if you excuse me, I think I'll go find Emily." He rises up, and starts strolling towards the castle. And I think happily to myself that it isn't only Violet that has improved since I first met her.

"Ah, young love" says James with a grin, and we all look at each other and smile.

"It's a strong thing" I mumble, quietly, so that they do not hear me. But Remus

sends me an odd glance, and I realise that it wasn't quietly enough. I shake my head at him, mouthing 'It's nothing'. He nods, but his gaze doesn't leave me for a while anyway.

I smile and pretend that didn't actually mean anything with it. This time, I won't let him find out. I've learnt how to play the game of silence.

XxXxX

And I leave Hogwarts, never again to return as a student.

As I stand at King's Cross, at exactly the same place as I stood when I first met with Sirius and Remus, it feels as thought no time has actually passed. And yet, when I examine myself for regret, I find none. And I am a different person from that frightened eleven-year-old I once was. I have grown stronger. Yes, as Severus pointed out, I am still selfish and a bit cowardly at times, but I've learnt how to be a friend, and I've learnt what it means to love. My father is now nothing but a bad dream about a past that I have for ever left behind me. My mother is a broken woman in the shattered mirror of myself that is the only window I have left into that world. My fear of them has been reduced to forceless nightmares.

On my wrist I am once more wearing the bracelet with its hopeful message about the unbending force of the love that is friendship. And the on the Amiosa-where the orchid representing Severus had been fading into a dull grey streaked with light-red is once more deepening into a glossy black, but still with a blood-red tinge to it. The flowers have also rearranged themselves, so that the flowers representing Lily and James are entwined with each other, just like the flowers representing Emily and Peter. And Peter's flower, once upon a time nothing but a shy, nondescript bud, has opened into a frail but brilliantly blue flower. And there is a small purple violet that represents – well, what a surprise – Violet. A violet violet for Violet. Who's to blame for me having such a twisted sense of humour, I am just asking. And of course, there is a flower shading bout in blue, purple, red and bright yellow for Hermes. A colourful flower for a colourful personality.

"Well, Alex. Are you ready to go?" Sirius asks from behind me, and I jump at the sudden intrusion into my thoughts.

…_A young buffalo at my left suddenly gives a holler that almost sends me sprawling all over the floor…_

I smile at him, giving him a quick hug. "Yes. Now I am ready."

His eyes are glittering, and he is grinning warmly down at me. "I am happy, Al. You know why? Because you seem so peaceful now. It's like all your grief and sorrows have been swept away. What's happened?"

Laughing, I think of how they were there for me all the time when I had almost given up living, I think of my classmates, people that accepted me among them as an equal, I think of that I actually by law have a pair of parents that care, and I think of Severus, coming back to me. "I just found out how bloody stupid it is to give up, I guess" I tell him, winking. "I've found my way back to life. And I am safe now. I don't have to lie, I don't have to hide, I don't have to fight, and I am…whole."

Without explaining this further to him, I lift my trunk from the ground and gesture for him to come. He grabs the other handle, and together we carry it to the parking-ground. Lily and James and their parents, Peter and his parents, Remus and his father, they are all waiting. I hear a shout behind me, signalling that Emily has caught up, and a redheaded comet that passes me to throw herself in Peter's arms confirms this.

"Oh, snogparty!" Sirius says with a grin. Emily solemnly turns around, tells him to go do something really interesting with himself, and then turns her attention back to her boyfriend, who smiles helplessly, shaking his head.

There is a small, small part of me, ruled wholly by cynicism, that points out that this all has to me too good to be true. But I determinably shake the feeling away. Instead, I give Lily a hug, pointing out to her smilingly that she is ROUND. She grimaces, and James tells her that she is absolutely adorable, something that earns him a slap over the head. "I hate this" she tells me, with a not-quite-convincing look of utter suffering. "It gets in the way all the time, and my back is killing me."

I just laugh at her. "Oh, Lily, admit that you love it, and have it done with. You're not fooling anyone."

And then she smiles a smile that lights her whole face up, and she nods silently, one hand resting on her stomach, the other circling her husband's neck. "It's the best thing that has ever happened to me."

I believe her.

XxXxX

And now the real work with the Order begins. We spend most of our time at the Headquarters, and we are constantly sent out on missions, such as sending messages to members outside London, both in and out of Great Britain, and protecting people deemed to be especially in danger. I thank Severus for the hours we spent together, painstakingly learning all sorts of clever curses, as they come in quite handy from time to time.

I am also very often sent to pick up information from Severus, something that gives us some very precious time together. We have all this time spent away from each other to make up for, and though we are mostly both in a hurry, manage to steal time enough to satiate our thirst for love.

But something is bound to go wrong on such risky operations, sooner or later.

It is when we are out bringing a young woman – just thirteen – who has been threatened to the Headquarters, that we are ambushed by Death Eaters.

The first curse goes whistling right over James' head. There is a flutter of white robes among the trees, and somebody shouts out an order. Without further ado, Remus lifts the girl up, and Sirius moves in to cover his back. The rest of us spread out in a loose circle, trying to find the attackers as fast as possible. We move in small parties of three each. I go with Emily and James up ahead of the group. The forest around us is pitch black, and I hear Marlene McKinnon shout out an order somewhere to the left.

"_Vento_!" shouts an oddly familiar voice from the darkness.There is a sudden, brutal rush of wind, and we are all swept off our feet, tumbling down the slope we had been walking by the edge of. I hear Emily cry out, and as soon as I reach firm ground, I try to turn to look at her, while scrambling franticly for my wand.

"Do not move." I look up to see a terribly tall man glaring at us with flaming black eyes from the slits in his hood. He has a wand in his hand, firmly pointed at us. I hear James scrambling to his feet, and then Emily struggling to stand up, hissing in pain.

There is a noise, like of someone running down the slope beside me, and a small whiteclad shape emerges from the darkness. A strangely small person to be Death Eater, as a matter of fact…

"Excellent, Regulus" says the tall man, and I have to bite back a gasp of surprise. Regulus! Out here!

"Emily has broken her leg" James mumbles monotonously in. "I cannot heal it. And I've dropped my wand, and so has she. Besides, I think she is in too much pain to concentrate on a spell anyway. I don't know-"

"Shut up!" roars the man, waving his wand impatiently. He steps closer, tearing off his hood, revealing a mane of red hair and tanned shin. He smiles a twisted smile, raising his heavily arched eyebrows. "You'll never get away. You're trapped."

My wand is a meter away, on the ground…

"_Lumos!_" The tip of the Death Eater's wand lights up. He lets out a pleased noise. "Well, well… What have we here. Obviously a Weasly. And Potter. I'm sure my Lord wants to have a word with you. And this must be the mudblood Neidorsdaughter, the young wonder-witch. Doesn't look much to me. But then again, Snape could hardly afford anyone good-looking. Did you know your ex-boyfriend was sent to kill you? He failed, granted, but that was all due to misinformation…" He glares over his shoulder, and Regulus sinks away.

He is going to kill me if I move. And even if we manage to create a diversion, it will take for ever to get Emily away from here. She is leaning heavily against me, drawing breath in a shallow, rapid fashion that speaks of excruciating pain. We will never get her away from here, and we cannot go alone.

"Quite a dilemma, isn't it?" Emily mumbles. Her eyes are closed, and tears are streaming down her cheeks, so pale under the freckles. "I'm a burden to you, whatever you do. There is no way for me to get out of here. I am doomed, and I am dragging you with me."

"Emily…" James begins, but she silences him with a shake on her head. Drawing a deep, shuddering breath, she opens her eyes. In the moonlight, they glitter pale and clear, like sapphires. Her lips, which I have never before seen far from a smile, are now set in a grim, determined line, and her hands are tightly balled into fists.

"Take me away from here afterwards. And tell Peter that I am so very sorry. Tell him… tell him that I love him."

And she throws herself forward, right on the Death Eater.

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

There is a flash of blinding green light, and but I can only see it out of the corner of my eye. I have already thrown myself desperately after my wand. As soon as I can feel the smooth wood resting in my hand, I scramble to my back, pointing it on the Death Eater, who hasn't yet recovered from casting the killing-curse.

"_Impedimenta!_ _Vingardium Leviosa!_"

His momentarily immobile body is sent high up in the air, like an eerie, solid ghost in the cascades of white light from the gibbous moon.

"Kill them! Kill them, Regulus!" he roars.

I turn to the young man, staring frightfully at Emily's lifeless body.

"You don't want to be a murderer, Regulus Black." I whisper, drying tears from my face. "You might be much, but a murderer you are not. Leave them while you can. This is all they are. Simple murderers. Your brother would've told you that, had you listened to him. Flee, Regulus. Flee while you still can."

And as he turns on heel and runs, the Death Eater roars in fury. Turning back towards him, I cast a silencing-charm at him, rendering him voiceless. "I may not look like much…" I whisper to him, a cold calmness rising up from the darkest depths of my soul to take control over everything that is me. "…but pissing me off was the greatest mistake you ever did in your sorry life. _Crucio._"

Opening his mouth in a scream of pain that will not come, his back arches as the agony takes control over him. His face twists into a gruesome mask, only slightly resembling that of a human now.

"_Capite Dolores!"_ He starts clutching desperately at his own head, as if it is going to explode any second.

"_Dolorosa Odius!_" I let all my hate for him and his kind flow out of me with the force of magic. One of his hands strays away from his head. It opens and closes, like in cramp, and he holds it against his chest, clawing at the skin as if he wants to tear his very heart out of his body.

"Alex! ALEX! Stop it! What do you think you are doing! Alex, you're insane, you must STOP IT! He'll go mad! You'll get into Azkaban!"

I turn towards James, watching him coldly, as every feeling has frozen to ice inside me. "No, James. He won't go mad yet. For that, I need about an hour more, and sadly enough, I have not got an hour. And he will not remember this. I will not let him."

"For god's sake, Alex…" He is staring wildly at me, blinking tears out of his eyes. There is fear glimmering in their depths. And for the shortest of seconds, I feel deep loathing stirring in the depths of my soul.

I sneer, pocketing my wand. "Fine then." I stride forwards to the trembling heap that is Emily's murderer. As I approach, he opens his mouth in terror, trying to scramble away from me, but his limbs, still twitching after the torture, won't obey.

"_Oblivate specifi_" I whisper, concentrating on the torture, wiping it out from his memory. "_Stupify._" His eyes go crossed, and he slumps back on the ground. "_Mobilicorpus._" His body slowly floats into upright position, hanging in the air like on invisible hinges, looking all the world like some grotesque kind of scarecrow.

I turn around, catching James' eye. He is still staring fixedly at me like something close to terror.

"Take care of him." James nods, lifting his wand and muttering the spell. I lower my own, still meeting his gaze. "Good. Now… You will never tell anyone about this, James. Do you understand me? This man deserved what he got. Not a word will cross your lips about what you have seen me do tonight. Not a word."

He nods, looking rather ill. "How? You know hexes and curses that nobody your age, hell, nobody at all should know. How!"

"Me and Severus did far more than talk and have sex" I reply quite nastily, turning my head away. It hurts to see him looking at me like that. I walk silently over to Emily's side. She looks so peaceful, like was she only sleeping. But her skin is deadly pale, and she is cold as ice when I touch her hand.

She is smiling. She died as she lived.

"_Mobilicorpus._"

I use the spell to make her lighter, enabling me to lift her up. Her head lolls backwards, her neck boneless like that of a doll.

"What are we going to tell Peter?" James whispers, sounding lost and forlorn.

"Exactly what she said" I answer heavily. "That she was sorry. And that she loved him. That is all we can say."

XxXxX

We stumble through the woods for a long time. At one time, a stupefied Death Eater crashes out of a tree right before our feet. James stares in shock, but my eyes stray to the thick vegetation at the base of the tree. I see a glimpse of white textile and a pale hand lifted in a short greeting, and then there's only shadows. I thank everything that is good for Severus, wondering if he knows what has happened.

As we reach the Headquarters, we are sore after keeping so many spells running at the same time, tired after the battle, and weary to the bone from mere grief. Lily opens the door, and she gives a cry of sorrow as she lays eyes upon the lifeless shape in my arms. "No…" she whispers, letting her husband – now close to unconsciousness – lean against her shoulder. "It cannot be…"

I just stumble over the threshold, into one of the vacant bedrooms for guests. I put Emily down on the clean, white sheets, and then walk quietly out of the room, into the kitchen. As soon as I enter, Peter, Remus and Sirius all stand up from where they have been eating breakfast, looking relieved. But when they see the look on my face, the expression evaporates to show a vague kind of dread instead.

"Alex? What's happened?" Sirius asks in low tones.

I do not answer, only step forward to take Peter's hand, leading him towards the door, out into the corridor. He is crying before we reach the room, already understands what has happened, but when he sees Emily's body, so obviously bereft of life, everything seems to collapse for him. He gives a strangled sob, rushing into the room and throwing himself down by her side. Clutching her slight body in his arms, he buries his face in her hair and weeps.

"Good god" whispers Remus brokenly, putting a trembling hand on my shoulder. "I… never did I think…"

"Those fucking bastards" Sirius adds weakly. "Those fucking bastards… God, I want to kill them…"

"I gave back" I tell him tonelessly.

"Gave back?"

"Let's just say that Alex knows far more than she should" James mutters, staggering closer with Lily's help.

They both look confused at that, but do not ask any questions.

"We heard…" James hesitates for a moment, but then continues. "The Death Eater told us that… that Snape had been ordered to kill Alex. He failed because of misinformation, or something like that. He seemed to think it was your brother's fault, Sirius."

"My brother!" Sirius' head spins around quicker than it ought to be possible.

"He was there, together with that piece of slime" I nod in the direction of the Death Eater, that Emmeline Vance is directing into a room. "He was the one that pushed us down the slope, rendering us wandless."

"His boss over there ordered him to kill us when Emily had… sacrificed herself." James mumbles. "Alex talked to him, told him that he really didn't want to do it… and he just ran away."

Sirius looks very, very pale, but he nods. "If we are lucky… well, maybe he'll turn himself over now that he… knows."

"But why was Snape supposed to kill Alex?" Remus demands to know.

"Voldemort knows of me. He knows who I am and he wants me dead."

Sirius swears under his breath over Severus. Well, it is quite understandable that he thinks that it is from him Voldemort got the information. Who wouldn't?

"How can you know that, Alex?" Remus asks slowly.

I shake my head. "I cannot tell. But Dumbledore's got eyes and ears where you would least expect it."

Silence falls, only to be broken by Peter's voice. "What happened?"

"Peter…" I begin, hesitant to let him know, to talk about it, to tear into the fresh wounds with clawlike words. I feel bad about this already.

"I want to know what happened. Tell me." He does not look at us. His gaze is fixed on Emily's smiling, cold face.

And slowly, haltingly, James and I describe the event that led to Emily's death. Every time one of us cannot continue, when our words are blocked out by tears, the other one picks up where the other left off, and even though it's painful, we try to find words for something we do not want to remember.

Peter just sits there, quiet and still, clutching the limp body that once was the woman he loved in his arms. I force myself to walk over to his side, to put a hand on his shoulder. I can feel how he tenses up, like a rodent hiding from a bird of prey, ready to flee.

I don't like that simile. Where did I get that from?

Yeah, yeah, but apart from the OBVIOUS?

"She…" I cannot say it! I'm not good at these things. But as he looks at me, his eyes are so desperate, begging me for a reason to even live on. He needs to know.

"She said… The last thing she said was that… she wanted us to tell you that… that she was sorry. And that she loved you."

And right then and there, something dies. Something just flickers feebly one last time in his gaze, and then dies away. Suddenly, there is nothing reaching out to me from in there anymore. Peter is still there, but it is like the person looking out is totally… uninterested in what is on the outside. Like had the pain of loss numbed him too much for him to feel anything else.

And it scares the shit out of me.

I am serious. There are very few things in my life that have scared me more than this brutal apathy, filling the gaze of one of my best friends. I feel like someone had poured melted lead down my throat, and cold metal claws are flaking up the skin on my back. My grief is shunted away to leave way from pure, icy fear.

A shadow draws closer.


	29. The final act

Chapter Twenty-nine

The final act (Before the curtain falls)

Arthur Weasly, crying openly, picks up Emily's body the next day.

Three weeks after that, at the 31 of July, 1980 , Harry Potter is born. A small bundle, glaring at me with a new-born infants dark-blue eyes, he is nothing but one of the thousands of babies born that day. But he is Harry. Not only James' and Lily's Harry. He is OUR Harry. A child of the Marauders. We love him, like was he the son of all of us. And it only takes the sight of Sirius bending over the cradle, the same kind of joyous tears in his eyes as in James', to give me back some peace, to let me sleep for a whole night after Emily died.

Peter is still haunted by it. Sometimes, we find him sitting drop still somewhere, just staring blankly into space. And even though we try not to see it, even though we in fact want to do nothing as much as NOT see it, we cannot fail to notice how his lips forms her name, again and again.

But he at least wakes up a bit when he is around Harry. He has not said a word to the infant, but he often holds him in his eyes, his gaze glued on the small, pink face, some kind of unnamed battle going on in his eyes.

After a week or so, it is obvious that the boy is going to take after his mother when it comes to the eyes, even though he has already followed James' example when it comes to the hair. Sadly enough for him, as both I, Sirius and Remus have pointed out, something that made Lily laugh mercilessly at her husband, who refused to talk to us for an hour or so.

Children in Harry's age are very rarely beautiful to anyone but the father and mother, but we are six people ready to beat anybody to a bloody pulp – or preferably hex the living daylight out of that anybody – if the unlucky bastard would say anything else.

The poor child will probably be horribly spoiled. Six fussy parents… I ask you. And if anybody would point out that I am one of these, I am going to pretend to have become temporarily deaf.

And then comes the second strike against the image of a life lived undisturbed by war and death that we try to create.

It's Severus that tells me. I'm the first non-Death Eater that gets to know. It's late night, and we are meeting on a shaded spot in Hyde Park. He looks apprehensive, and I can see him constantly checking if he has been followed. He does not see me yet, I came in falcon-form. I stop to watch him, standing frozen in a movement as the meagre light of the waning moon pours down over him. Only his eyes are moving, darting over the lilac-bushes that halfway hides in the shadows.

I change into human form, and the faint noise of it makes him spin around, wand drawn. As he notices that it is only me, he relaxes, but only a bit.

"Where did you come from?" he asks, looking faintly surprised.

I shrug. "Apparated."

"That didn't sound like an apparation" he mumbles suspiciously. I only smile mysteriously at him.

"I'm a Marauder" is all the answer that he gets. "So? What news?"

"Bad news" he answers darkly, pulling his cloak around him.

"What kind of bad news?" I don't really want to know, but what can I say?

"Regulus Black… is dead." He smiles bitterly. "The boy was an idiot. Thought he could lie to the Dark Lord. Thought he could hide from him that he was going to leave. I never got a chance to talk to him, never got a chance to explain what I was and help him to get away. He probably had some kind of a plan, and the Dark Lord picked it right out of his head. He just nodded at Bellatrix Black and said 'The boy is a traitor'. And in the next second, he was dead. His own cousin took his life. He didn't even have time to scream. He barely had time to understand that he was going to die." He grits his teeth over the words, and I know what he is thinking. It might as well have been him. His life hangs on his ability to hide his thoughts from the Dark Lord. And that's not very encouraging, even if he happens to be a very skilled at Occlumency.

"I've got his body here" he continues, and I suddenly understand very well why he looks so nervous. "I thought…" He sneers, but I can see something different under it, something that looks like pity. "I thought his brother might want to…"

He actually did that for Sirius' sake? Risked his own life? As he can see my look of utter surprise, he averts his gaze from me, his face stony. "I know how it is to lose someone you love to the hands of a family-member" he mutters curtly.

And I understand.

XxXxX

"Sirius?" I stop hesitantly in the doorway. How am I supposed to tell him? How will I find the words?

"Yes? Back already?" he asks with raised eyebrows. "What kind of mission was that?"  
"Don't try. I cannot tell you, you already know that. But I've got… news."

"News? Alex, what is wrong? What is it you don't want to tell me?"

I hate him for knowing me so well.

"Regulus…" I begin, but my throat contracts as a dull kind of panic begins to rise in my chest. I don't want to do this.

"What about him?" Sirius asks, too quickly, too desperately. I have to look away.

"He… he is dead."

"What?" his voice breaks, and he stands up so abruptly that the chair he was resting in is sent flying. He is over by my side in seconds. "What did you say?"

"He is dead, Sirius" I tell him once more, trying not to meet his gaze.

"How do you know that?" he spits out, grabbing my shoulders roughly.

"Someone told me. A spy. Sirius, you're hurting me!"

He loosens his grip, but he does not let go. "A spy? Among the Death Eaters?"

I nod.

"And how do you know that you can trust someone like that?"

Poor thing. He does not want to believe it, that much is obvious. He clings to whatever false hope he can.

"I've got his body here" I answer. "I'm so sorry, Sirius."

"And how do you know it is not… the spy that killed him?"

"What has that got to do with anything, Sirius? It wouldn't change anything if it was. But Dumbledore trusts him, and so do I. Bellatrix took your brother's life."

"Bellatrix? That's it. I am going to kill her." His face is a mask of fury. But then, he suddenly realises the mistake I made, the one that almost made me bite my tongue off. "Wait a minute, Alex…" he says slowly, dangerously. "'Dumbledore trusts HIM…' That's what you said, wasn't it?"

I sigh. "Yes Sirius, that is what I said. It is a man."

He stares at me through narrowed eyes. Even Sirius isn't oblivious enough to not put two and two together. "And YOU are the only one communicating with this spy. And all of a sudden, you become all happiness and resolve again. You were semi-depressed the whole time after Snape left, and then, at about the same time this spy enters the picture, you suddenly are completely cured of this depression. Just like that."

I look up at him, meeting his angry gaze as calmly as I can. "Yes, you are completely right. Severus is the spy."

"And you trust him?" he asks furiously, his grip once more tightening around my shoulders. "After what he did to you? He was bloody sent to kill you! He only failed because of that Regulus came with the wrong information, for god's sake!"

"But he didn't!" I explode, backing and pushing his arms away. "Regulus' information was correct! Severus was supposed to kill us when we had that picnic. You know, the one when your Swedish friend was with us. He was ordered to kill me, but he couldn't! That's the REASON to why he changed side."

Sirius turns away, and the look of disappointment in his face is enough to almost make me cry.

"I can't believe this. After all that happened… I bet you just rushed straight into his arms as soon as he turned up with that story, didn't you?"

"Yes" I answer bitterly. "And do you know why? What he did was wrong, yes. Terribly wrong. And he knows that. He is sorry for what he did. And I love him. You _forgive_ the ones you love, Sirius. You give them a second chance. You forgave me after I had lied about me and Severus, remember?" As I see his mouth tightening into a grim line, I cannot stop the hurtful words that spill over my lips. "Or did you, Sirius? Did you really? Or was it just something you said so that we wouldn't be angry with you anymore?"

He turns around, and he is furious, just as furious as he was when he almost got Remus to kill Severus. "Yeah, you're right" he says. "I only said it because I am a cowardly shit, and I didn't want Remus and you and James and Peter to hate me. That's why. Of course I didn't do it because I was your friend, because I love all of you. How could you even think something like that?"

"Stop being so _stupid_ then, Sirius" I shout, more hurt than angry. "I HAD to forgive him, can't you get that! Because I love him, because I care about him, because I cannot see him so defeated and sad as he really was! I had the same reasons to forgive him as you had to forgive me, can't you see that? I need him! And you are not even angry about that, you are just taking it out on me that your brother is dead, and that is not MY fault! And Severus wanted to save him! He risked his life to bring Regulus body away from there, so that you would get to bury your own brother. Because he understands what it is like when someone you love dies, no matter what he might personally think about you. And this is the man that you are blaming for his death, just because I happen to love and trust him."

He stares at me for a few seconds, shocked over the fact that I actually yelled at him. And then he turns his face away, shoulders shaking gently in silent sobs. "He… he was only seventeen" he mumbles hoarsely. "He was just a child."

"It doesn't matter to Voldemort" I tell him gently. "Regulus was doomed as soon as he lied to his Lord. He just looked right into the poor boy's mind. He didn't have a chance."

"If that is so, then how come Snape can be a spy?"

"Because he, like me, is talented at Occlumency and Legilimency. Regulus wasn't. He couldn't hide his thoughts."

"Bellatrix…"

"That woman is a monster. We knew that already. And we will get her into Azkaban for it. Just wait and see." I tentatively step closer, lifting a hand to dry away the tears that stain his face. "I'm so sorry, Sirius. Regulus wasn't really a bad person. He just wasn't as strong as you are. He didn't deserve to die."

He doesn't answer, just closes his eyes in pain, and I know that he can see his brother's face painted at the inside of his eyelids. Haunting him. Like an accusation. And I really wish I could say anything that would make it better, but I find nothing. I will just have to let him grieve.

"Sirius…"

"Yes?" he answers hollowly.

"You… You have to promise not to say a word about Severus to anyone. Not a single soul. He is in grave danger as it is, and the more that knows about what he does, the more danger he is in. Please?"

"I will not tell anybody." He sighs, lifting his hands to hide his face. "Can you please leave, Wing? I want to be alone…"

"Sure, Padfoot. Whatever you say."

After I have closed the door quietly behind me, I lean heavily against it for a while, before starting to walk down the quiet corridor.

I wish I was better at things like this. I wish I could get used to it. But how would that even be possible?

How can you get used to death?

XxXxX

My abilities to work for the Order are somewhat crippled by the fact that I begin school again. I mostly receive reports from Severus, deliver messages, spy on people and baby-sit.

Yes, baby-sit. Usually, it's Arthur's kids that need surveillance, mainly since the lovely little two-and-a-half-year-olds Fred and George already seem to have developed an ability to create mayhem that should pride a Marauder. But Bill and Charlie are far from being easily managed either.

Marlene McKinnon and her family are killed during the summer, and Edgar Bones and his family are attacked in September. No survivors. In the beginning of October, Peter is caught by the Death Eaters during a mission, and is kept imprisoned for a week before he manages to escape in rat-form. In December, Benjy Fenwick is blasted to pieces. Caradoc Dearborn disappears without a trace as February draws towards an end. Gideon and Fabian Prewett – brothers of Arthur's wife, Molly – both meets a hero's fate. That is, they die young. They die fighting, yes, but they still die, both in their twenties. That is in June. And on Harry's birthday, Dorcas Meadowes has the questionable honour of being killed by Voldemort in person.

The day after, we once more have one of these urgent meetings, where we try to decide what on earth to do about those who have been marked for death. Lily and James, for example. And poor Harry is in the line of fire too, considering the prophecy made about him or Alice's son before they were born, the prophecy that we do not know much about, but that obviously could make Voldemort decide that little Harry is a potential threat.

It is then and there it is decided that a Fidelius-charm is to be cast over James' and Lily's home in Godric's Hollow. Fidelius, the Latin word for faithfulness. Of course, Sirius immediately volunteers. He is the obvious choice. A little too obvious, to my mind. Dumbledore, too, seems doubtful about the whole business, and offers to be the secret-keeper himself. But Sirius won't have it, something that comes as no surprise.

And it is all decided on, and the collecting of ingredients necessary for the spell and general preparations.

I spend the rest of the evening in my small apartment, thinking, brooding. I don't like this whole business with a prophecy. I don't like the idea of every human being walking into a future that is already made up for us. I like to be in control. I want to have a choice of my own, always. Anything else makes me feel trapped.

Dumbledore has been very vague about the full contents of the prophecy, as well, something that makes me feel even more uneasy about this. Whatever it is that poor little Harry is meant to do, it has to be something difficult and probably dangerous.

A small white, star-shaped flower with a green centre has appeared on my amiosa-plant. White, the colour of innocence, should suit such a small child, I suppose, and the green centre it is obvious where I got it from. I also notice with a considerable amount of distress that Peter's flower is still clinging in a now almost desperate manner to Emily's. It makes me feel uneasy, like something is wrong in some subtle, slight manner that I cannot really put my foot down on, but that is lurking just on the edge of my attention. It's like hearing a melody played by a whole orchestra, and knowing that SOMEONE of them is playing off-tune, but not being able to tell who.

I moodily kick an empty soda-can that I by some unknown reason have left on the floor. I hate walking around with this feeling of something being WRONG, but being unable to do something about it. I hate this constant feeling of being watched by something that I know wouldn't scare me this much if I just could see it for what it was. Maybe it would anger me, maybe it would hurt me, but I wouldn't be scared.

It's the waiting. That's the worst part of it.

Waiting in impotent silence.

XxXxX

And the spell is finally cast. In the end of October.

None of us but the people involved even get to know when it happens. Sirius just arrives at my home on the evening of October the 31:th, telling me with a relived sigh that it is finally over. He seems relaxed and happy, as if relieved of a great burden.

James, Lily and Harry Potter are safe. At last.

He gives me a note with the address, that I have to memorise and then burn. The writing on the note has been strongly addled by magic to make sure nobody could tell who the secret-keeper is. But the slightly guilty expression in Sirius' eyes when he hands it over to me makes me wonder.

He is keeping something from me.

And I remember Severus telling me for the first time about how you cannot lie to the Dark Lord. What if I could…? But I am really not that good yet. It was Emily that taught me the secret without knowing it, the secret of letting go of your own thought, and most importantly of your own feeling, to gain entrance to the mind of another. But I am far from being good at it. But then again, it's worth a try.

I sneak my hand into my pocket, and gently touch my wand with the tip of my finger, whispering the incantation under my breath, while letting my consciousness flow softly out of my own body. The moment when I touch Sirius' mind with mine, I know what he was keeping from me. It was right on top of it, a thought heavy with guilt and burning questions about if he's doing the right thing not telling me and… Remus? Remus doesn't know? I can understand that he was worried that I would tell Severus, since he still doesn't trust him, but Remus being a spy is right out ridiculous. There is nobody I know that hate the Death Eaters more than he does.

"I don't think I like it" I mutter.

"Like what?" Sirius asks, looking confused.

"The fact that you switched with Peter. And that you have actually kept it from Remus, of all people. After what happened with his mother, you ought to know that he can be trusted, Sirius."  
He gapes at me, before his eyes flash in sudden anger. "You read my mind?"

"'Read' is a highly inappropriate word. I touched it, yes. I saw that you were hiding something from me and I wanted to know what it was. Wouldn't you have done the same, had you been in my situation?"

"No. I wouldn't. I would have asked."

I shrug. "Very well then. Take it as my inner Slytherin being in charge for a moment. I still don't like it."

He looks away. "Well… Remus and you… You are both very clever. And you are in contact with Snape, who I don't trust. A man who can be a spy, I cannot trust. And Remus has Moony. You know that the wolf sometimes takes control over him…"

"Yes, but you NOTICE when it is in charge. Remus might be clever in a human way, but Moony is an animal. Plans and plots like that are beyond him."

"Well… I still thought it was best. And why wouldn't you like me switching with Peter? It's not like HE could be the spy, could he?" He laughs, as if it was a joke, and for a moment I feel desperately like strangling him.

"Peter isn't stabile enough to handle this" I answer curtly turning to take my boiling tea-kettle off the stove.

"Stabile? Alex, it was one year ago Emily died."

"Yes!" I snap, rounding on him so quickly that I spray the whole floor with boiling-hot water. "That's what bothers me! It has been MORE than a year, and still he hasn't been able to let it go! He still clings to the memory of her, it's like they were… like two trees grown together, entwined, and when one of them falls, it drags the other with it in the fall, slowly killing it. Mentally, if not physically. It's not healthy, Sirius. It's not normal. I DO NOT TRUST PETER!"

I clap a hand over my mouth as the words that have been burning quietly like embers in the deepest pits of my soul for the last half year finally are admitted, finally are allowed to take flame, fuelled by the gravity of the situation.

Sirius stares at me. "You think Peter is the spy?" he wonders incredulously.

"No I bloody do not" I mumble, brushing a hand over my eyes. "I don't think he would or could do such a thing. But I do think that Peter is slowly running mad, and should not be further burdened down with such a responsibility."

"Alex…" Sirius says in a soothing voice, placing his hands over my tense shoulders in a calming manner "Peter seemed just fine when I just saw him. He... well, he seemed quite stressed and jumpy, I admit that, but he'll manage just fine. He is very good at surviving, our Peter."

And that is when I am struck by lightning. At least that is the way it feels. Slowly, as if it was pictures and noise tuned in on an old TV, it reaches me.

I see a patch of roof and shadows playing over a wall. The mind I share this vision with is undeveloped, there are not many words or coherent thoughts. It's a bit like the animal side of Remus, and yet not. There is something more of an awareness in this mind, like was it more… awake.

The mind of a very small child.

An upset small child. Because someone is screaming, someone that this child knows, and he does not like it.

"Please, not Harry! He is only a child, only a baby, please don't! Let him be! Take me instead of him! Not Harry!"

There is a flash of green light, and I am back on my own kitchen floor, panting wildly. It only lasted a couple of seconds, but still it completely demolished my whole world.

I pass out.

XxXxX

"Sirius! Lily and James… Good god, they are…" I fight to get up from the floor.

He bends over me, holding me down. "Alex? You're awake? Well, finally. You've been out for about an hour."

"An hour!" I sit up, immediately causing the whole world to reel. "I have to get to Lily and James, Sirius! I… I saw…" Bloody tears, get back! I cannot cry NOW, dammit.

He frowns, looking concerned. "Did you see out of their eyes? Like with Remus?"

I shake my head, numbly. "No… not them… Harry…"

"You saw out of Harry's eyes?"

"Yes…" Fighting a strong urge to get violently sick, I stand up shakily. "We have to get there, Sirius. Now. As soon as possible. It… might… already be too late."

"Too late? What do you mean?"

I swallow. "The Dark Lord. He was there. I heard Lily screaming. I saw… I saw a flash of green light. It was an Avada-curse. I know it. We have to get there!"

Sirius goes so pale that I am afraid _he_ is going to pass out. "You… you saw that? An hour ago?"

I nod. "I… couldn't tell you before I fainted. Sirius, we're wasting time…"

Without a word further, he drags me with him out the door and down the stairs. His face has now taken on an unhealthy ash-grey tone that remind me of the skin-colour of most corpses I've seen.

His motorcycle is parked outside. And even though I told him I would never get near it when he first bought the idiotic thing, I now sit up behind him without a second of doubt. No time for quarrels, no time for security, no time at all.

No time at all.

As we roar through the first dark hours of the first November day, I huddle closer to his body to protect myself from the cold.

"If this is true" Sirius mumbles, his voice cracking "I am going to kill Peter. I am going to kill him. And I will make him suffer before I do it."

I do not answer. But I think: If this is true, I cannot find a reason to why I should live. If this is a world where friends can betray friends, where people like Lily and James can be murdered, where there are people that want to kill innocent children like that, with cold blood… Then I can't see any reason to why anyone should want to live.

It has to be… I don't know. Something. Just anything that makes it untrue.

We land before their house.

And stare.

The windows have been blown out. Glass litter the lawn in front of the gaping holes into the dark interior. Some of the walls have cracked, too.

And there is not a sound coming from the inside.

Sirius is already running towards the wide-open door, disappearing through it, and I shake the numbing shock away, running to catch up. But before I reach the threshold, I already know it's too late. A howl of raw, horrifying pain rises from inside. It's Sirius' voice, ragged from helpless sorrow. Slowly, not wanting to see, I step inside.

James.

White-faced.

With wide-open eyes.

Hanging limp in Sirius' arms.

Dead.

I scream. And scream. And I run through the rooms. Still screaming. And over the debris littering the floor. Still screaming. I can't stop it. I enter Harry's bedroom, with the blue walls adorned with golden, moving snitches. Still screaming.

Lily.

Sprawled on the floor.

Her mouth opened in a quiet scream.

Tears slowly drying on the cold cheeks.

Dead.

And I am still screaming. It's like the scream is as permanent and dark and cold like the chasm of pain opening in my heart. But there is something else. Something that doesn't really belong to this picture of black despair. Something that isn't my breathless scream or Sirius' howls of grief.

It's a child crying. The helpless little voice of a one-year-old scared to death by something it cannot understand. A child that wants its mum or dad. But mum is lying dead on the bedchamber floor, she gave her life in a desperate attempt to save him, and dad was murdered just some seconds before, he is now resting lifeless in the arms of his best friend.

I step over to the cradle, now quiet, not believing this miracle. Harry cannot be alive. It's not possible, it cannot be.

But the crying intensifies as soon as I come into sight, the small face scrunches up in anger. A thin scar, shaped like a lightning-bolt, brands his forehead. He waves his arms towards me, kicks his little legs. "Alli!" he demands between the sobs. Trembling so much that I am almost sure I am going to drop him, I pick the small bundle up. "There, there…" I mumble, rocking him like I've seen Lily do. The words come to me instinctively:

"Poor little lamb,

creep close to mum,

the lightning and thunder can't hurt you.

Poor little dear,

trembling with fear,

I won't let the blackwolf get you..."

My voice is broken and thin, but I continue singing the song over and over again until the crying subsides and Harry falls silent with a small hiccup. I put him back in the cradle, stroking him over the forehead. The child watches me with alert, solemn eyes, sure that I will make everything alright now.

"I… I have to go to Pads now. You remember Pads? He needs me now. I'll soon be back, don't you worry… It'll be just fine. You'll see. Everything is going to be… fine…" I force the lie over my lips, not sure if even Harry understands the meaning of it. And then I turn on heel, rushing back through the house. I manage to contact the Aurors and the Order, before I return to Sirius, whose sobs can be heard through the whole house.

The scene that meets me is heart-breaking. Sirius is still sitting huddled on the floor, his arms around the dead body that once was his best friend. His eyes are red from crying, his cheeks wet, and he is rocking slowly back and forth.

"Sirius…?" He does not react. I kneel down beside him, trying to not think about the fact that James was one of my best friends too. "Harry is alive, Sirius."

He looks up, and this is much worse than the thing that died in Peter's eyes, the thing that I now wonder if it wasn't his very humanity. It's his will, the thing that drives him on, the thing that makes him Sirius, that has been shattered. I want so desperately to let the tears take over, but Harry… Harry needs us now. He needs protection and help and adults to take care of him. I cling to that thought, blinking the tears away even if they are only being replaced by more of the same burning liquid.

"Harry…?" Sirius whispers. "How… how is that possible?"

I swallow. "It… it must have something to do with the prophecy. I remember… Dumbledore said something about 'marking as an equal'. And Harry… he has a scar on the forehead. It seems it… it must've been him it was all about, after all."

Sirius nods, grimacing bitterly. "Prophecy…" he mumbles, looking down at James' eyes, staring hollowly into nothing. The solemn earnesty that always shone there is gone. It has flickered away into nothingness for ever. JAMES has flickered away into nothingness, and left a gaping void behind.

Nononononononono…

No!

"I… contacted the aurors" I continue, my voice dead and flat. "They… they are on their way here..."

"…But there is nothing they can do" Sirius continues my unspoken thought. "It's all too late. Everything is too late."

No time… No time at all.

Their time slipped away from them, and we could do nothing.

We wait silently for about an hour, unable to move, unable to do anything, until the aurors finally arrive. They are quiet and solemn, and they do not look straight at us. They have already seen too much of this. We are not the first. But how is that supposed to help, to take away the pain?

"There is a baby in there" a friendly voice tells me. I do not look up.

"Leave him be. He will be taken care of." I can hear that she hesitates, and with tremendous effort manage to turn my head to face her. "Please. Trust me."

She nods, bustling off to her colleagues. They speak in low tones, looking over at us with pity in their eyes. Then someone knocks at the door, and someone bustles over to open. A shadow fills the doorway, and I see the familiar shape of Rubeus Hagrid making his way inside with some difficulty. He walks silently for a man that big, looking down at the two of us with sad black eyes.

"I…" he begins, but then swallows and falls silent. "Harry…" he continues. I nod, standing up and walking past the aurors, looking curious and a bit suspicious out of the room. I return with Harry in my arms, the child resting silent and motionless, the large, green eyes watching me in rapt attention.

I hand the child over to Hagrid, who just looks down at the small bundle with tears trickling down the black beard. "I… I have ter borrow the… fire-place…"

Sirius speaks up again, his voice hoarse, trembling slightly. "Take my motorbike, Hagrid. It's just out there on the street. I won't need it anymore." The last sentence is spoken with such despairing bitterness that Hagrid turns his head away, unable to stand the sorrow of this young man that obviously has lost his very will to live. He just nods, turning around to walk away without a word. There is nothing to say.

And then, with a nod, Sirius stands up. He looks down at me, and quickly bends over to kiss my forehead. "I'm so sorry, Wing" he whispers.

And apparates.

And I know it. He is going to try to kill Peter.

Swearing loudly, I stand up, running to the door. I don't even check if someone is watching before I turn falcon.

I have to find him.

XxXxX

I find him.

But once again, I am too late.

There is a big hole in the middle of the street, and a lot of muggles are screaming and running around. Sirius is standing on the edge of the hole. Laughing manically.

I am just on my way to fly down to him, when the aurors arrive. They run over to his side, shouting incantations, Stunning him. He does not even fight them.

And I see Remus, standing on the edge of crowd, his delicate features contorted in hate. And I understand what everybody thinks. They think that Sirius is the traitor. They think that he is a Death Eater. And even though I know that he is not, it does not matter.

Because NOBODY will believe me. Nobody. They've only got my and his word against the fact that he blew Peter into smithereens and dust. There is no way in hell that Sirius is going free for this.

Lily and James are dead.

Harry will most likely go to his aunt and uncle.

Sirius will go to Azkaban.

And Remus believes him to be guilty, no matter what I tell him.

No.

I cannot.

Not anymore.

I was raped, but I kept going.

I was humiliated and hit, but I kept going.

I had to lie to my own friends, but I kept going.

I lost Julie, but I kept going.

My best friend hated me because of the person I loved, but I kept going.

Severus left me, but I kept going.

I lost Emily, but I kept going.

But not this time. Not anymore. There is nothing left in my heart, nothing that can keep me going this time. My life has been thorn to pieces in a matter of hours. Everything is gone. I have no will or energy left.

In a few hours, I've collected the few things that show that I exist in this world. I have also gathered all five Marauder's Maps, wiping my name on it with a nifty hiding-spell. I do the same to my picture on all photographs ever taken on me, even though I don't have to collect all of them to do that. I hide the Maps at various places at Hogwarts, for future mischief-makers to find. In memory of what the Marauders once was. I do all of this without thinking, just as I broke into the Ministry and stole all the official records of me that existed. And then I pack all my personal artefacts into a backpack, slinging it onto my shoulder.

Looking down at Hogwarts one last time, I fish my wand out of my pocket. I will do this. I have no other choice.

"_Otium Memoria_."

The spell is far harder to perform than anything I've ever tried before. Every person with even the slightest memory of me I have to reach out to with my mind, putting every trace of my existence to sleep. It's like trying to keep millions and millions of glass pearls – thoughts and images created and kept in a hundred minds – in my hands. And I cannot afford to drop a single one.

But I have studied every possible aspect of the Memory Sleep-spell, my magic was always the strongest while directed towards the mind, and the mere necessity of the situation gives me powers enough to go on.

When I am finally done, I am exhausted. The memories are all asleep, and will so be until I decide to awaken them again. Nobody knows who I am, or that I ever existed now. I feel a twinge of guilt at leaving Remus all alone, and Severus' image keeps haunting me. I am abandoning now, betraying in a manner almost as cruel as Peter's. I know this is not the brave thing to do, but it is the one that will grant my soul some peace. And if I only will live a half life among them, what good will my presence do?

No. It is best as it is.

And to myself I promise this: I will return. One day.

When the time is right.


	30. Epilogue

Chapter Thirty

Epilogue

Harry was doing his homework, copying down notes he had taken and rearranging them to what with a little good will could be called an essay, when Hermione came rushing in, her cheeks flushed in excitement. She had that shine in her eye that usually was a sign that she was up to something that had to do with the SPEW. He was just going to open his mouth to point out that whatever it was, he was too busy to bother at the moment, when she pulled a piece of parchment out of her pocket and waved it in his face.

"Harry! Look!"

Harry did as he was told, but didn't feel much wiser. "So? It's a scrap of parchment?"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, but you're not LOOKING. Not really. Here!" She spread the parchment over Harry's essay, tapping it with her wand. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" she proclaimed.

Harry stared.

"You haven't… that isn't…"

"It's not your map, no. Look, the letters of the names. On your map, they are black. But here, they are green."

Harry frowned. "Where did you get this?"

She gave him a brilliant smile, sitting down. "Behind old Cadogan's portrait, if you believe it. He yelled at me a lot when I lifted him away, of course, but I just had to know what was poking out from behind it. Harry, don't you get it? There must've been one map for each marauder, mustn't it?"

"If there was" said Harry slowly "then how come Lupin never said anything?" He didn't say anything about Sirius. He rarely ever did nowadays. The wound after his godfather was too deep to have healed.

She shrugged. "I guess that he didn't want us to go looking around for them. I suppose he though you get into trouble enough as it is."

At the same moment, Ron came tripping through the portrait-hole. They waved him over, explaining what they had found out. Ron looked delighted. "Well, that's great, isn't it? If we can just find another one, we will have one each."

Hermione looked like she was about to protest, but seeing the determined faces of the boys, she closed her mouth with a small sigh. "Alright. Fine then."

"So…" said Ron, looking down at the map before him. "Who do you think this map belonged to."

"Easy" said Hermione with a small smile. "The letters are the same colour as Harry's eyes. So it must've belonged to James."

Harry grinned, thinking that that was exactly something his father would have done, for all he had seen. Charming the letters to the colour of his mother's eyes.

"And who's is Harry's map, then?" Ron continued.

"Well…" Hermione looked hesitant. "The letters are black, after all, and it would be a bit of a joke if…"

"Yeah" said Harry hastily, wanting to get away from the subject as far as possible. He got to his feet, wiping the map before him clean. "Okay. So hopefully, we'll get our hands on Lupin's map. Because who wants to have Wormtail's?" He nodded to them to follow him, as he went towards the portrait-hole. "Come on. We'll do it now."

Hermione didn't even try to point out to him that he wasn't finished with his essay. Not when he was in this mood. So she just followed Ron, sighing to herself.

XxXxX

They had split up to be able to search through the different floors more effectively. They had also agreed on that they were going to meet some four hours later by the base of the Astronomy-tower. And so they did, all three of them looking very smug. After a short moment of silence, all three of them burst out, excitedly:

"I've found it!"

And then there was a long silence.

"What colour" said Harry in a voice that he barely recognised as his own "are the letters?"

"Red" said Ron.

"Indigo" said Hermione.

"Purple" finished Harry.

"Five?" said Ron after yet an eternity of silence. "But… that can't be it, can it? There were only four marauders!"

They all looked at each other, none of them able to find a solution to this riddle. Finally, Harry looked away. His mouth was set in a thin, grim line. Ron and Hermione looked at each other, both meeting the same worried expression in the other one's eyes.

"There is something" said their friend "that Lupin hasn't told us."

The End

XxXxXxX

A/N: Yes, here the story ends. But keep your eyes open. There _will_ be a sequel.


	31. NOTE!

I have made some changes in the first two chapters. If anyone is interested, they could re-read them and see what I mean. I was really unhappy with the last version, so I am glad to have the mistake corrected.

There will be small changes in some of the latter chapters as well – correcting the most obvious errors and so on - but not at the moment. I don't have the time, nor the energy for it.

Cheers!

/Alex


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